Three nights at a posh hotel and a plane ticket for just 400 bucks. Yep, one of those last minute travel deals online. Well, they meant well, I guess. Hey, it was Vegas, last minute, the Mandalay Bay Hotel, a nice spot right near the airport near everything.
That’s where it all went wrong.
First off Las Vegas used to be a nonstop trip on several airlines. Southwest, U.S. Air, Frontier, United and others left almost every hour all day and into the evening. The flights lasted just under three hours, and on the way back with a tailwind, maybe 2 hours 15 minutes.
Now only Southwest goes nonstop and last minute or anytime it’s pricey. I had to fly to Phoenix – which took nearly 3 hours – followed by a two hour layover. Great. Then another two hours to Vegas.
There was major turbulence on the way to Vegas – we hit a storm which made things bumpy and kinda scary – in the black clouds with all the rain.
Next I had to wait about an hour for my bags at the airport. Nice. So by the time I got there I felt like I’d flown to Hawaii. All day and half the night in the air or at an airport bar, walkway or worse.
Everybody looks like the Walking Dead – beat up, bad moods. Strange. I used to think, “Hey, I’d better look my best. That way if I sit by a hot chick or meet one of those crazy, smoking hot stews.
The seats nowadays are like one inch apart and the lady next to you is probably a 250-pounder who farts, and is always wanting to crawl over you to go to the restroom.
The stewardesses are all over 50, hateful and act like prison guards half the time.
Notice how all the chairs and benches in airports are hard and uncomfortable – it wears you out as you wait. That’s how prisons are built, all hard, no soft landings.
No movies. Well, United has the back of the seat in front of you screens for midgets. If they even work. Then it costs like 9 million dollars to rent an old movie or one you hate. Which I guess is better than reading the thin airline magazines with all ads for buying some goofy workout gym for your home.
You can bring your laptop on board if you dare. And don’t forget going through security to get on board – and 25-50 bucks a suitcase, only two now – and carry-ons have to be measured for size.
If your bag weighs over 50 pounds it costs extra dough or you have to empty the extras!
Remember, ALL FLIGHTS ARE FULL. That’s right ALL.
They need to measure and weigh everything…soon even YOU. Take off your shoes, belt, jacket, put all your carry-ons in a plastic basket with your wallet, jewelry, money, well everything. Stand by for the X-ray and body search after you hit the metal detector.
Oh yes, the couple behind you has a two year old. The child behind my seat cried all the way to Arizona. Cute kid.
The airport in Las Vegas screams out, “Do Not make jokes about 911, the plane, the staff, violence, lewd comments, or say much of anything or you will be arrested.”
They arrested comedian Kevin Meaney because his daughter stepped over the yellow line and he went and grabbed her without permission.
Nobody told me United had a 45 minute rule for your bags to be on board. In KC it was 30 minutes for US Air. I killed some extra time in Vegas with some friends at lunch. God forbid.
My flight home was at 3:25 and I got my suitcase to outside bag man at 2:40. NO GOOD.
He said, “Ah, you are a couple minutes late, run them inside.” I did and they said, “No way, Jose.”
So they didn’t let me fly. After two hours waiting in line for an answer.
“We have two choices, Mister Glazer. Due to Christmas, the bad weather back east and all, we have just one flight you can buy. It’s on another airline, Southwest, costs $845 and leaves tomorrow night. We just have one seat, do you want it?”
I ended up on standby at 1:45 AM that morning to Houston. Then on a small jet – a very small jet – that leaves Houston at 7 AM and lands in KC at 9 AM.
And don’t get me started on the Houston airport. I walked four miles to the gate, underground, in a bomb shelter. Damn. It was 30 degrees outside and we walked outside to board the plane. Nice. And yes, it was sold out too. And since I was stand by, I was the last person to get on.
God love the Kansas City airport.
It’s quiet, there’s nobody there, not even a cab. At our airport you have to call a cab, yes at the airport. The Yellow Cab got there in about an hour. It had just snowed the day before in KC and was a bit slick out.
We went about a mile before he hit a snow patch and crashed the cab into the ditch off the ramp. I hit the dash. Cool. He did say he was sorry. He asked me to help try and push the cab out of the ditch in my new $130 tennis shoes. Dumb me, I did, ruined shoes in the dirty snow.
And it didn’t work anyway, so he called another cab for me.
Hey, I was home in bed by noon. Hadn’t slept a wink.