Glazer: Scribe Suffers Christmas Vacation from Hell

la-fotoOh, it all sounded great…

Three nights at a posh hotel and a plane ticket for just 400 bucks. Yep, one of those last minute travel deals online. Well, they meant well, I guess. Hey, it was Vegas, last minute, the Mandalay Bay Hotel, a nice spot right near the airport near everything.

That’s where it all went wrong.

First off Las Vegas used to be a nonstop trip on several airlines. Southwest, U.S. Air, Frontier, United and others left almost every hour all day and into the evening. The flights lasted just under three hours, and on the way back with a tailwind, maybe 2 hours 15 minutes.

Now only Southwest goes nonstop and last minute or anytime it’s pricey. I had to fly to Phoenix – which took nearly 3 hours – followed by a two hour layover. Great. Then another two hours to Vegas.

There was major turbulence on the way to Vegas – we hit a storm which made things bumpy and kinda scary – in the black clouds with all the rain.

Next I had to wait about an hour for my bags at the airport. Nice. So by the time I got there I felt like I’d flown to Hawaii. All day and half the night in the air or at an airport bar, walkway or worse.

walking-dead-seed7And ever notice how nobody dresses well anymore when traveling?

Everybody looks like the Walking Dead – beat up, bad moods. Strange. I used to think, “Hey, I’d better look my best. That way if I sit by a hot chick or meet one of those crazy, smoking hot stews.

Yeah right.

The seats nowadays are like one inch apart and the lady next to you is probably a 250-pounder who farts, and is always wanting to crawl over you to go to the restroom.

The stewardesses are all over 50, hateful and act like prison guards half the time.

Notice how all the chairs and benches in airports are hard and uncomfortable – it wears you out as you wait. That’s how prisons are built, all hard, no soft landings.

northwest-airlines-stewardessAnd there’s zero food on planes anymore. Not even peanuts, sorry. Unless you buy the bag of chips or some soft drinks. And don’t hit the button for sweet and low or you could be shot.

No movies. Well, United has the back of the seat in front of you screens for midgets. If they even work. Then it costs like 9 million dollars to rent an old movie or one you hate. Which I guess is better than reading the thin airline magazines with all ads for buying some goofy workout gym for your home.

You can bring your laptop on board if you dare. And don’t forget going through security to get on board – and 25-50 bucks a suitcase, only two now – and carry-ons have to be measured for size.

If your bag weighs over 50 pounds it costs extra dough or you have to empty the extras!

Remember, ALL FLIGHTS ARE FULL. That’s right ALL.

They need to measure and weigh everything…soon even YOU. Take off your shoes, belt, jacket, put all your carry-ons in a plastic basket with your wallet, jewelry, money, well everything. Stand by for the X-ray and body search after you hit the metal detector.

Oh yes, the couple behind you has a two year old. The child behind my seat cried all the way to Arizona. Cute kid.

The airport in Las Vegas screams out, “Do Not make jokes about 911, the plane, the staff, violence, lewd comments, or say much of anything or you will be arrested.”

kevinmeaneyDo not question TSA for God’s sake.

They arrested comedian Kevin Meaney because his daughter stepped over the yellow line and he went and grabbed her without permission.

Nobody told me United had a 45 minute rule for your bags to be on board. In KC it was 30 minutes for US Air. I killed some extra time in Vegas with some friends at lunch. God forbid.

My flight home was at 3:25 and I got my suitcase to outside bag man at 2:40. NO GOOD.

He said, “Ah, you are a couple minutes late, run them inside.” I did and they said, “No way, Jose.”

1995-leaving-las-vegas-poster4“Can’t I fly and send my bags later?” Oh, hell no – 911 Dog!!!!!

So they didn’t let me fly. After two hours waiting in line for an answer.

“We have two choices, Mister Glazer. Due to Christmas, the bad weather back east and all, we have just one flight you can buy. It’s on another airline, Southwest, costs $845 and leaves tomorrow night. We just have one seat, do you want it?”

I ended up on standby at 1:45 AM that morning to Houston. Then on a small jet – a very small jet – that leaves Houston at 7 AM and lands in KC at 9 AM.


And don’t get me started on the Houston airport. I walked four miles to the gate, underground, in a bomb shelter. Damn. It was 30 degrees outside and we walked outside to board the plane. Nice. And yes, it was sold out too. And since I was stand by, I was the last person to get on.

God love the Kansas City airport.

It’s quiet, there’s nobody there, not even a cab. At our airport you have to call a cab, yes at the airport. The Yellow Cab got there in about an hour. It had just snowed the day before in KC and was a bit slick out.

monobrow6ikNot too bad, except for the highways in Missouri. The driver told me people in Kansas City didn’t know how to drive in the snow, he was from the Middle East. Shocker.

We went about a mile before he hit a snow patch and crashed the cab into the ditch off the ramp. I hit the dash. Cool. He did say he was sorry. He asked me to help try and push the cab out of the ditch in my new $130 tennis shoes. Dumb me, I did, ruined shoes in the dirty snow.

And it didn’t work anyway, so he called another cab for me.

Hey, I was home in bed by noon. Hadn’t slept a wink.

Merry Christmas!

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21 Responses to Glazer: Scribe Suffers Christmas Vacation from Hell

  1. Ron says:

    Sounds like everything you’ve complained about was brought on my you. Some people are smart travelers. You aren’t one of them.

  2. the dude says:

    Eh, what does getting home for christmas mean to you, be thankful you are jewish.
    That’s why I avoid flying these days like the damn plague, it is not worth the hassle.

    Hehe, an arab complaining about kc people not being able to drive in the snow and then driving striaght into a ditch.

    That’s classic Glaze. 😉
    Happy Hanukkah!

  3. Orphan of the Road says:

    Unfortunately, your ordeal was common rather than atypical. All you needed was the facial recognition software to start beeping. Would you remember enough Yiddish from your Bar Mitzvah to convince them you weren’t an Eye-ranian?

    Remember when the airlines were crying, just deregulate us and things will be so much better. How did that work out for the consumer?

    I’d take the train in spite of the time except it costs as much as flying.

    cue Brewer & Shipley, Fly, Fly, Fly (and this song was from the era of taking a plane trip was luxurious)

  4. harley says:

    i annoit you the worlds worst traveler…every trip is a nightmare with you…if its
    not some corny hottie accusing you of murder…its some lady trying to take your
    money. You need harley on your next trip to show you how to travel.
    #1: never mess with security…they’re you’re friend…be nice…they take enough
    crap from people all day…imagine having to feel some 400 pound unkpet womans
    thighs for a ak 47? you’d be pissed off too.
    #2: mandalay bay…next time in vegas contact me at
    and i’ll get you taken care of. My best friend runs the hotel…and unless you
    know someone there its a tough joint to work.
    #3: flying….i always take a few hits before taking off (nice pun)…calms you down.
    because flying is no piece of cake anymore. We always pre board the planes
    and chart out our seating arrangement and secure the best seats for the flight.
    Most of the time we get front row second section….its easier to relax when noone
    is in your face. Keep the carryon to a minimum…but on american or delta
    use carryon because your bags usually end up 500 miles the wrong direction.
    Tip skycap!!!!!! they can roll your bags in on time…$10 assures your bag gets
    on the plane.
    Be prepared and be cool…calm…make friends with the girls at the gates..
    they control the whole plane…if they know you…if they recognize you…
    if you pre board with the seniors and babies…get to know your attendants…
    smile….be happy….its just 2 hour flight…and dreamabout all the parties you’re
    going to be at.
    Now…howcan a flight to vegas not be fun. Everyone’s drinking…laughing…
    theres a thrill in the cabins air….people thinking of winning millions…never
    had a bad flight to vegas…EVER~!!!!!!
    also…the airport in vegas…ripoff city. Slots don’t pay out at all…worst payouts
    of any slots in the world!!!! I know!!!!!
    Dressing for travel….heres my advice…dress loose and cool….chances are your
    plane gets stuck on the tarmac in phoenix or vegas or the desert (john wayne
    …oh god…someone please close that place down…ontario ca…now thats a great
    airport…but nothing as easy as kc.
    Yes…people used to get dressed up to fly…sportcoats…dresses…thats when they
    served great food…it was a affair to fly….NOW YOU’VE GOT EVERY HOBO
    so nexttime consult with harley…harley knows how to travel….
    and send me an email next time headed to vegas andi’ll set you up with
    the very lovely and fun Tiffany.
    SHOES. didn’t you know famous footware has all the seniors buying rockports
    for $39.95…save a few buck glaze….then next time for god’s sake…GO FIRST CLASS!

    • Craig Glazer says:

      Harley it wasn’t my first or 100th rodeo bro..I do tip and well, didn’t matter, baggage gate was closed…as one guy wrote “all my fualt” somewhat on the return, I do fly often…so maybe that’s why all this got to me…it happens too much…not the stand by, but all the rest, hassle, hassle, hassle, no fun…often all we remember about a trip is the flying, airports, and headaches…didn’t used to be that way…hey maybe its me!!! Trust me I will fly again and soon.

      • Craig Glazer says:

        Harley still very funny though…I used to fly first class and often, especially with air miles, but man its about the same as coach now, no frills…still full, but yeah a bit better..just a bit…I buy those kinda shoes cause they look KOOL, the others make you look like gramps, I’m not…still hot that 40 something going on, for real, I’ll play til they drag me off the field bro…just sayin…ok, next time I go to Vegas I’ll hit you up see what you can do…

      • Super Dave says:

        Nope flying is screwed why I no long care to fly. If going somewhere is suppose to be fun and relaxing then skip the flying because you will be pissed to no end as a rule before you get close to a plane.

      • harley says:

        YES glaze flying is very tense…especially with connecting
        my advice…never connect thru chicago…weather throws
        the whole nation off schedule…or thru atlanta in the afternoon…
        (storms come late and you get stuck in the airport)…
        hey bro…i’m with ya on 60 being the new 40!!!!!!!!!1
        live life…never give up…
        now up to 2.5 hour workouts 4 times a week….man come
        see the machine do it at lifetime!~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  5. expat says:

    You forgot to mention the dignity of the electronic strip search! Nothing like having a faceless stranger (making minimum wage) inspecting your nether regions through the wonder of technology. Don’t worry they are professionals – the government swears so. When it was just me flying I didn’t care but with my wife and daughter… I’ve pretty much sworn off flying to the US because of the ridiculous security measures.

    But that’s ok because I live in Asia where you don’t have to take off your shoes to fly and you can take a six pack of glass beer bottles on the plane. In the amount of time/cash it took you to get to Vegas from KC I could fly to Macao with pretty stewardesses, good food and only a small fraction of the hassle.

    • Craig Glazer says:

      Wow for real!! Tell me more!!! Damn!! One of my pals owns property in Far East, is this you Warren? Man that sounds so great!! Damn, I’m in!!

  6. Glenn says:

    That’s why I only fly private jets out of Lee’s Summit.

  7. Glenn says:

    Fly private jets out of Lee’s Summit – it’s worth the extra dough to be away from the riff-raff

  8. Glenn says:

    One time on a commercial flight to Vegas I had the misfortune of having Flava Flav, the ‘rapper’ as a flightmate. Commercial flights to Vegas are full of….let’s say….idiots….and FF was not the exception. He constantly demanded attention from the flight staff, who were tolerant of his inibreated rants. On the intercom, starts rapping! It’s all I could do not to clock his clock -the little worm.

  9. Rick Nichols says:

    My advice: next time just go to Hawaii like the President did – at least you’ll get leid.

  10. Craig Glazer says:

    great advice guys really and agreed!!!! By the way it wasn’t all bad, I know a guy who had Colts -6 and one half and the under, 42.5…hmmm…nice…scary game though…came down to the last play by Colts or it was field goal time and a 16 to 13 Colt win instead of the 20 to 13…half point, the bookies know. Huh.

  11. Guy Who Says What Others Think says:

    There are ways to fly even on the coach level and lessen the bad vibes. Just get there early, and travel as light as possible. But sometimes, shit just happens because some people are just total morons when they fly. Back in November, we were sitting on the tarmac getting ready to depart Albany NY for Detroit. The jetway had been pulled back and the plane door was closed and locked. Suddenly, this jerkoff behind me decides to recline his seat like an asshole. The stewardess tells him to put his seat up, and he gets pissed off. He brings the seat up but then slams his back into it and snaps the back of the seat off so it won’t lock in it’s upright position. Result? The plane has to pull back into the terminal, and everyone get off so maintenence can come in and remove the seat. Someone has to take a bump because there is one less seat on a full flight. Do you think the jackoff who broke the seat volunteers? Oh hell no. Then the airline is in full scramble mode to figure out what passengers are going to miss their connecting flights because of this mongoloid. The entire plane was ready to murder this guy. Just my opinion, but that schmuck should be banned from flying ever again and be forced to take a bus.

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