Hearne: High Rollers Wanted; Pitch Begs Readers for Big Bucks

Nothing really new here…

The Pitch has been mooching money from readers for years.

However, the former alt weekly – now a monthly freebie under new owners – is upping the ante.

Like never before.

It’s one thing to sit on a sidewalk on the Plaza, rattle a cup and beg for cheeseburgers. Or to race up to cars at traffic signals, smear soapy substances on some their windshield ,then charge them to make things right

Very conventional.

But that’s chump change, given the kind of red ink the Pitch is hemorrhaging these days.

You don’t treat a chainsaw wound with a band-aid.

Noop, times are tough and the Pitch is swinging for the fences.

Loyal readers:can now become “a member” for 50 bucks a year.

For which they get a monthly newsletter from one of the Pitch’s new publishers and a sneak peek at each monthly issue prior to it hitting the street.

Ah, but for a mere hondo ($100), you get all that plus discounts on “select” Pitch events -should they ever come to pass, post pandemic – and, “access” to giveaways like concert tickets and flood coupons – again – should concerts ever return post pandemic.

Got $200 that’s not working?

Now you can achieve what they’re calling a “feature” – and get a limited edition T-shirt and your name in an annual print ad slated to appear in the print Pitch.

But you ain’t seen nuthin’ yet…

It only costs $2,500 to have dinner with these guys?

Because for $500 a year, you get all of the above, plus, “inclusion in monthly member sweepstakes with rewards such as breakfast with our Editor-in-Chief, a chat with a musician featured in The Pitch, gift cards, and more.”

And for a mere grand ($1,000), you become a “cover” and get a free digital ad for you or the business of your choice and two VIP tickets for the Pitch event of your choice –  when and if there ever is one.

Pretty cool, huh?

But forget about all that, cuz you ain’t seen nothing yet.

Choke out $2,5oo – you read that right, 2500 buckos – you get to sleep with anyone on the Pitch staff at the no-tell motel of your choosing.

Hold i, I lied, or let’s just say, exaggerated a bit.

For $2,500 a year you get what the’re calling  “the whole damn issue” which includes  dinner with the entire Pitch staff (and presumably you don’t have to pay, except for the fact that – face it – of course you’re paying).

Oh yeah, plus their eternal gratitude…

Eternal is a pretty long time and at this stage of there game, it’s hard to imagine the Pitch being around for anything approaching forever.

Wonder which tier Westport spark plug Bill Nigro is gonna opt for?

“Which one are you gonna do?” Nigro quips. ”

Kidding aside, it’s pretty sad, but truth be told the Pitch was a dead man walking when it’s former owners passed to baton with tbheyr last dying breaths two years back.

It’s even more of a shame because its new editor Brock Wilbur  seems like a really talented nice guy. “I’m going to buy none, zero, zippo.”

As for the sort would choke out $2,500 for a t-shirt and dinner with the Pitch staff?

“Some dumbs,” Nigro says. “I’d be really surprised if anybody did, but maybe somebody fabulously wealthy that didn’t have anything else to do.”