Think Grumpy Old Men meets the Godfather…
Okay, maybe it’s me, but after spending three and a half hours choking down what I was led to believe was the next big mob movie, The Irishman, I can report that I was the only one of a party of four who didn’t fall dead asleep by the movie’s end. And two of those four were 20-somethings.
“I’m curious to see how they make all the actors look so much younger,” said one prior to the movie’s start.
How, indeed…
The main stars – Robert De Niro, age 76; Al Pacino, age 79; and Joe Pesci, age 76 – are just a hop, skip and a jump from being octogenarians.
Spoiler alert: The answer to the above question about how they could be made to look younger is, the movie begins with the three amigos playing their actual ages, then flashing back to the days when they were young, up-and-coming gangsters.
Which for the most part, unfortunately, comprises most of the film.
The problem:
Even with a ton of makeup and soft focus cameras, there’s no escaping that these dudes are way over the hill.
Example: at one point De Niro dismantles a dude by tossing him into the street and stomping the living daylights out of him. Trouble is, De Niro’s body is so old and brittle, he looks like a senior citizen beating up on another senior in the cafeteria line..very unconvincing.
And one thing you will not see in this movie, is anything approaching sex or romance with a hot-looking woman. No way any of these over-the-hillsters could pull that one off halfway convincingly without creeping out the entire audience. Instead, we get matronly mom types cast as bit players that no red-blooded American movie dude would gaze at with horn dog eyes.
Am I being picky?
Of course, I am.
But unless I miss my guess, you will be too – and whatever you do – do not have a couple beers or cocktails before you wade into this sleeper. I suggest a large latte from Starbucks and a really good night’s sleep.
Once upon a time in Hollywood, long ago
Longtime column readers may recall that I used to poke fun at local Beatles cover band LiverPool for dressing up in authentic-looking Sgt. Peppers outfits and wigs while laying down seriously good Fab Four musical chops.
The problem being, instead of the 20-something lads from ’60’s Liverpool, these dudes looked like senior citizens if you ever get close enough, which pretty much ruins the ruse.
I digress…
Look, Man Jack told me this was the best Hollywood mob movie since Casino.
Which for the record came out in 1995 – nearly a quarter century ago – and starred De Niro and Pesci, alongside a still sexy Sharon Stone. With De Niro and Pesci barely 50 and Stone 36, it made for a dramatically different cast. And while I can’t remember any quote/unquote sex scenes in that flick, I’ll wager there was something.
Definitely not here.
So look, take my advice and wade into this movie wide awake and forewarned about how ridiculously old these mobsters are.
The real Hoffa
For crying out loud, Jimmy Hoffa – the lead Pacino plays, was only 58 when he dropped out of sight in 1975 – that’s 21 years younger thanPacino – and I seriously doubt he got knocked off by some dude from John Knox Village.
You get the picture.
Stepping back a bit, KC-based AMC Theatres was the movie theater exhibitor that negotiated for a major theatrical release, but would not agree to the window Netflix wanted before releasing it to its subscribers.
My take is, this would have been a mainstream movie theater disaster.
Twice as long as most movies and the word of mouth would have been awful – would have killed it dead – kinda like Hoffa.
When Henry Fonda and Kathryn Hepburn were in their 80s… They played people in their 80s.
Rock solid assessment. They built a movie around three actors for selling power. It was like a documentary of the Teamsters, not a movie. And then they alluded and teased into RFK, JFK, Cuba, gun running…. Could not follow if they were in Philly, Detroit, New York, Jersey, Miami. It was all over the place. I guess when you are as accomplished as these guys you get a pass. But the movie was a flop.
I’m with you, ‘bow…
About the only thing I got out oof the movie that halfway mattered was when they cremated Hoffa.
Ah, so that’s why nobody ever found his body…genius stroke!
Dead on the money Jack.
The problem with this movie, which reminded me of of when I decided that I would NEVER go to another High School Reunion, was the casting. Imagine saying that about a movie, with these actors.
We all get caught up in our “Formulas”. Scorsese’s bailiwick, is, in general, movies based on historical facts, conjured up with great Cinemetography, a healthy dose of blood and gore, sprinkled in with some sex in a bouillabaisse of what we all (From watching so many “Mob” Movies) think is Mafia Culture.
In this case, the movie, was flat out, poorly cast. I doubt Lenny Dawson could take a snap and get the ball 10 yards down the field at this point and no one wants to see him try. These once “Made” guys are now “Maude” guys in a flick that should have been called “Golden Guys Get Grumpy” (and want their fuckin pudding NOW!!!).
Gramps as Goombah would actually have worked here, if DeNiro, Pacino and Pesci had supporting roles and Bobby Canavale, who is truly, truly a menacing, psychotic presence on screen (See “Boardwalk Empire” he killed it in that role.) as an Italian mobster.
Obviously, the casting, was determined during some meal, over what I hope, was some really fine spaghetti with “gravy” and meatballs with the 4 horsemen (Sorsese, DeNiro, Pesci and Pacino.) responsible for this Italian Apocalypse of a movie.
The thousands of critics, who elevated this flick into the realm of apotheosis, are as deceitful as your run of the mill Deep State FBI Agent in pursuit of a FISA Warrant for “Patriotic” purposes which include a “Higher Loyalty”. They lied.
Agree. except there’s nothing even close to sex in this 31/2 hour cinematic ordeal…
As for critics who loved it, Jack went to a screening and did not get up to take a bathroom break, get a drink, strech his legs – whatever – for fear of missing even a few precious moments.
Not sure I saw the same movie
But then again who would want to see these oldesters in the rack?
Scorsese did us all a favor by skipping the sex part.
Only thing actor wise that could be more poorly cast would be if Clint Eastwood were cast as Dennis Mitchell age 16.
Good point, Super…
But that was kinda obvious, even though he failed to take note of the equally obvious fact that these dudes were too damn old to be playing guys in their 30s and 40s (20s?)
As for Eastwood,I’m having a hard time choking down his most recent works, but at least they’re age-appropriate.
I remember Pacino and DeNiro in their older movies.
I loved “Paris in the Spring” where they starred with Anna
Delova. Classic movie that let Pacino really show his talent.
Then there was Joe Pesci as the judge in MY COUSIN VINNY.
And deniro in the movie “HOTEL” where he played alongside
dicapria. A young budding star and an older distringuished
actor…now that’s how to cast a movie!
But the best one was GOODFELLOWS where Sharon Stone stole the show with her portrayal of joe pescis wife.
All were great once…but they still have a great work portfolio to have them mentioned as some of the best in the movie industry.
No argument…
Then again, lots of people were amazing in their prime. As for today – 20,30 years after the fact?
Do you want to see there Clint Eastwood of today trying to replicate Dirty Harry?
Hearne: Do you read any of
your comments on this blog?
You said “no argument” to my
array of comments.
But anyone with any sense of
information would see that my
comments were filled with innaccuracies.
Obviously you don’t take the time to read
comments before you make ridiculous
incorrect comments or you’re just not
saavy enough or intelligent enough to
see the mistakes that many of your commentators make in their little writings on this blog. In other words Hearne…you were punked!!!!!
OK, dude, here comes your 15 seconds of minor league fame…
Do you honestly think that reading your self aggrandizing blather about movies, over-the-hill actors and the like is something I’m supposed to care about and/or edit and fact check?
So punk away…yes, I let you run your mouth about movie star trivia I could care less about without bothering to fact check and bust you…punk away, dawg. Knock yourself out.
e, I’ll be crawling into the deepest hole I can find, wrapped in my newly anointed shame that some anonymous comments dude got himself off by getting his meaningless comment approved.
So yeah, enjoy!
Was thinking some about the original Godfather and…
Marlon Brando played the role of the aging godfather in that classic film and he was lonely like 46 or 47 at the time. That’s 32 years younger than Pacino who played Hoffa – who was 2q1 years younger than Pacino in this movie at the time Hoffa disappeared.
Something’s wrong with this picture, but I keep reading snippets from rave reviews from many of the media heavy hitters nationwide.
Oh, well
They both look like they’ve been ‘done-up’ by a bad funeral home makeup person.
Or sadly, a “good” funeral home makeup person
Chuck’s review the most description of this movie I’ve read anywhere.
It’s a pretty simple plot that if you’re over 450 you maybe already knew…
Teamster’s boss Jimmy Hoffa disappears, never to be seen or heard from again, and everybody assumes it was a mob hit and keeps wondering where he’s buried.
Most accurate
I thought the movie was pretty good. It wasn’t Goodfellas or Casino, but pretty good. I thought Pesci was brilliant. (As usual). DeNiro was ordinary, and Pacino was grossly miscast as Jimmy Hoffa. Stephen Graham (who played Tony Provenzano), should’ve been cast as Hoffa. Graham is an excellent actor who first caught my eye in “Gangs of New York” and then was simply spectacular as Al Capone in “Boardwalk Empire”. Heck, I though Bobby Cannavale, should’ve also been given a bigger part. Sebastian Maniscalco did a damn fine job in the small part he had as Crazy Joe Gallo. In my humble opinion, it was the younger actors in this movie who stole the show.
Glad to have your thoughtful take….I guess “pretty good” is a decent take…
More to the pointy though, you note that the younger actors kinda stole the show. I think putting a bunch of waaaaaay over the hill actors in roles they outgrew a quarter century ago, really ruined the effect.
And zero sex?
No way that would have been the case if the actors were in their 30s, 450s or maybe 50s tops.
Can you imagine Pacino or De Niro disrobing and getting it on with…who?
Anybody? Anybody? Bueller?
The only thing missing from the cast in this movie was Bernie Sanders, Joe Bidden and Clint Eastwood.
Even a mere makeup session would have been creepy with this cast.
Can’t get past it, sorry.