Once, before I was sucked into the suburbs and my subsequent slow-crawl to death, I lived downtown in a magnificent loft with impossibly high ceilings, tastefully polished concrete floors and exposed brick…
And for this beautiful loft, I purchased an equally stunning couch.
It was irrationally large and seafoam green and spacious, its vast, pleasant fabric stretching for as far as the eye could see. It was a sectional, actually, massive enough to sit 6-7 grown adults, or probably an entire Korean baseball team. The chaise lounge was bigger than some beds, and from it sprung a ridiculously long couch, and from that, parallel to the chaise, an average-sized couch.
It was a object to behold, a thing of unparalleled beauty, a piece of furniture capable of drawing strong men to their knees after witnessing the magnitude of its beauty.
And then, like a fucking idiot, I bought a small, old house in Johnson County.
After our offer had been accepted and we’d signed the paperwork, my wife said, “you know, I don’t think that couch will fit in our front room.” Panicked, I emailed the seller’s realtor and begged for room dimensions; his reply confirmed my worst fears: people of modest means in the 1950s didn’t enjoy grand, open living rooms, apparently.
So we sold the couch to my in-laws (it mocks me every time we visit) and ended up with two dumpy pieces of furniture instead: an uninspired, uncomfortable and ugly couch and its matching loveseat counterpart.
I hate them both like ISIS hates your ham sandwich.
So I want a new couch. It’s been on my mind for a long time, but I’ve only recently decided to pull the trigger. And I need your help.
I do not want a denim couch.
See, The Couch and the recent shit-stacks were all from everyone’s favorite furniture overlord, Nebraska Furniture Mart. The sectional was custom-designed, while the two most recent mishaps were floor models.
So basically, when it comes to the almighty NFM, I’m batting .500.
The thing is, I HATE going to Nebraska Furniture Mart.
I’ve never been on a trip that took less than four hours and never left with anything approaching less-than-total mental and emotional numbness. It’s huge and busy and after a while, everything seems to become some surreal nightmare of perpetuity. I will sit on the same couch ten times without fully realizing it; I will begin to see the salespeople as walking, talking insects wearing lanyards that proclaim “Hi! My name is TONYA.”
And while I enjoy IKEA’s aesthetics when it comes to design—I prefer a contemporary look—I’m not keen on growing old wandering around in a giant factory in Merriam, nor do I wish to spend two months assembling a piece of furniture.
So where does that leave me, KCC readers? I’ve never been to Amini, but I do enjoy the jingle. And while I’m willing to spend a reasonable amount of money, fuck you, $10,000 couches from Crate & Barrel.
Anyone know of any hidden gems I’m overlooking? Any of you folks furniture salesmen who can get me some kind of sweet deal?
My only real caveats are avoiding leather, brass upholstery rivets and getting disoriented, lost, and abandoned in a furniture football stadium hidden deep in a haunted Kansas wheat field.
Little help?
What about the Crowley Furniture folks, they are LOCAL, since you seem to only think furniture comes from big box stores with Tonya the dim witted sales slut, maybe looking around at LOCAL stores and while you are at it check out my favorite
http://www.fatdaddysfurniture.com/ right here in KC just up the street from a Quik Trip on SW BLVD.
Oh, I’m all about local suggestions. That’s what I was hoping to get out of the post.
I feel your pain, lefty. i’ve had the exact same experiences at nfm…three times I think. they are the devil in disguise.
you might consider crowly. not too expensive, not real cheap, and you have suffer a trip to 135th and metcalf. can’t say for sure what they in contemporary furniture tho.
good luck!
Hadn’t considered Crowley’s even though they are responsible for every other commercial on KMBC. Seems like it might be worth a look.
Father-daughter Crowley (Furniture) seem nice. And they have their just-refurbished-after-the-fire store in Liberty; also a store in OP. I always kind of like the idea of a family-run business.
I swear, the big deal’s post was not up when I wrote mine, despite what the post times say.
wasn’t up when I posted either.
Orman’s … House of Denmark …
Hmmm. Googling now. Thanks!
https://kansascity.craigslist.org/fuo/4955211339.html
Cheap and close by!
Where are the arms, Paul?
Arms! http://kansascity.craigslist.org/for/4908177930.html
EXCELLENT.
disregard the Big Deals recommendation for Fat Daddys, Im pretty sure nobody comes out of there alive. The interior of that place looks like the shady warehouse De Niro tries to send Lorraine Bracco in to get murdered in Goodfellas. Im serious. It’s a shithole and the sofas are stuffed with the hair of dead chinamen. Also stay clear of Big Bobs, our sofa came from there and it seems to be stiffer than when we got it. Petrified almost. Chances are whatever you get and wherever you get it, you’ll hate it inside of a year. Good Luck!
Haha. Thanks, Mark.
Is that…no…can’t be…but…LOOKS like it…shag carpeting beneath that massive green couch?
For shame, sir, for shame!
It absolutely was. Well, I don’t know if it was a traditional shag. What it was was a SUPER plush rug that felt like walking on clouds. It was also: cream colored, and quickly lost all plushness. I really loved that rug for about three months.
; ‘ )
Berkshired liberal. Thank you.
No clue.
What I can tell you, is that my friends that work at Nebraska are amazed at the profitability of that company. They are selling video products at 30% profit and Gawd only knows what they make on that cheap azz furniture.
Why don’t you just make your own couch?
Check this out.
http://www.brit.co/repurposed-couches/
I like number 7. The chick made a couch out of sod.
I’d TOTALLY make my own couch. It’d be a hilarious disaster, but still.
Cragslist and freecycle are the ONLY way to go!!
I don’t know that I’m that brave when it comes to furniture, Dude. What if someone fucked the sofa first?
Enroll the sofa in SFA (Sofa Fuckers Anonymous) or Dianetics Jr. reeducation.
You made so many mistakes …
1. moving to Johnson County
2. thinking about buying something at Nebraska Furniture Mart
3. living in Johnson County
Did you get a free abatement on your taxes when you moved to the dark side? Every business does — why not you?
Trust me, I know.
Yes, because living in a city with a public education system that is NOT ACCREDITED with a busted infrastructure system is soooo much better.
Lefty knows the score hence the move.
Yeah, it was really about raising a kid. Could have gone to Lee’s Summit or Liberty, but they’re both pretty far away from work. Commute from OP/PV was much more convenient.
Got a question for your Brandon!!!
Shoot.