Leftridge: The Internet is a Vapid Wasteland

While it’s not exactly “breaking news,” Holy Christesticles is the internet one big pile of useless, diarrhea covered garbage.

Submitted for your approval, a recent “article” I stumbled across that appeared as clickbait nonsense on the front page of Yahoo!. (Which is itself a worthless black hole of irrelevant fuckery. I’m fairly certain their whole enterprise is now completely controlled by teenagers with learning disabilities and Nigerian scammers.)

Anyway, the “article” was called “13 Fast Food Items You Should Never Order According To The Employees” and, tucked in between the endless auto-play videos and imbedded ads for boner pills was a slideshow with some REALLY AMAZING REVELATIONS. (From “the employees,” no less!) You know, like this juicy tidbit about KFC Barbecue Sandwiches (which are a thing, apparently):

“One long-time Kentucky Fried Chicken worker warns against ordering the chain’s barbeque sandwiches. Apparently, the chicken used in them is so stale that it couldn’t even be given to homeless shelters. Instead of throwing it out, workers soak it in barbeque sauce and leave it in the heater for a month.”

Really? REALLY? A goddamned MONTH? You don’t say! Thank God this “source”—aka “one long-time Kentucky Fried Chicken worker”—was there to blow the fucking whistle! WE COULD ALL BE DEAD RIGHT NOW.

Or how about this one concerning “Baseball Stadium Hot Dogs”?

“Hot dogs and baseball just go together, but unfortunately this meaty treat is not always best prepared at concession stands. Employees say that they are kept hydrated in warming water and the unused portion gets refrigerated and recycled for the next event. That’s right, you could be munching on a month-old hot dog.”

The next “event?” This shit was written by a deranged foreigner who has no concept of what baseball actually is, right? You know, because now games are sometimes a month apart.

The next one pertains to my favorite fast food item, “restaurant lemons”:

“If the waiter/waitress puts a slice of lemon on each cup of water that is routinely brought to the table, then you might want to think twice about drinking it. There are a lot of reports about the fact that lemons are not handled up to code in restaurants. It could turn your water into a bacterial cocktail.”

Everyone KNOWS about restaurant lemons, I think, but it’s nice to finally see it substantiated by statistics and studies such as “a lot of reports.”

And finally, be on the lookout for Sonic’s Chicken Sandwich.

“What’s right with Sonic’s chicken. It isn’t true chicken, it comes frozen, and it sits in the fridge for a while since it is not a very popular item.”

That barely qualifies as English. What’s right with it? What the fuck does that even mean? Bonus points for venturing into potentially libelous territory by claiming “it isn’t true chicken.”

In conclusion, it’s awesome how some 12 year-old in India wrote a blog post citing “an employee told me” as a source and it ended up as one of Yahoo’s! top stories.

Fuck you internet, you are worthless.