Can you believe it’s been a year already? It seems like only yesterday we were all going to the cemetery and paying respect to our fine nation’s departed service people. Well, those of us who actually (*cough*) know what the holiday is about, that is.
To the rest of everyone, it’s merely nothing more than a three-day weekend filled with grilled meat products, social gatherings, gallons of booze and perhaps a trip to a local lake or piss-filled community pool. I’m not saying this is okay, necessarily, but it would be inappropriate to mislead the readers into believing we’re a nation who generally gives a shit about much of anything.
So while you’re busy screaming at lake babes to show their tits, I’ll be sitting somberly in a graveyard thinking about the single dead veteran I know.
But if you’re hell-bent on hedonism, it’s not my business to hold you back. In fact, I’m of a mind to help you. One needn’t break the bank procuring party supplies that will likely be left-behind in a scary, critter-infested Ozark wilderness. Craigslist has a lot of shit for cheap. (If you don’t mind venturing into a dimly lit corner of Belton to buy a dented charcoal grill, that is.)
Let’s see what we can find to get this party started right.
Like new, great for apartments who do not allow gas grills 95.00 or best offer
Well, nothing says, “I’m a fanatic for the Jetsons” like whatever the fuck this is. Have you ever wanted to pretend to grill in the future from the comfort of your space-apartment? Then THIS is the grill for you! Okay, seriously… don’t buy this grill. This was just a test to see who’s following along.
Weber Mini Grill – $10 (Western Shawnee)
Selling this mini Weber grill. Great for camping or small grilling experience. This grill is the small version and the grill surface measures 14″ across. This grill is in excellent condition. $10. Call show (redacted). No Texts
Look, I have absolutely no goddamned idea what a “small grilling experience” is, but I guarantee that phrase comes from somewhere on the box. Because when you’re dealing with a grill that will cook approximately two-and-a-half bratwursts at once, you’ve GOTTA sell that shit hard. You know, by suggesting that it provides a great “small grilling experience.”
Weber charcoal grill – $45 (Kansas City, KS)
Used Weber grill for sale! Great for bbq or anything else you want to burn. Diameter 18.5″. I’m moving otherwise I’d be keeping this. I’ll probably give you all my leftover charcoal too. I won’t give you the dog, though she is the best taste tester.
Okay, this might be the best craigslist ad I’ve ever seen. Legitimately. Lets take a look at it, piece-by-piece.
“Used Weber grill for sale!” –Something about that exclamation point really fucking tickles me. Let’s! Sell! This! Grill!
“Great for bbq or anything else you want to burn.” So clearly this guy has used the grill to burn things other than food, which is absolutely delightful/terrifying. (Body parts? Classified documents? We’ll probably never know!)
“I’m moving otherwise I’d be keeping this.” Fact: You CANNOT move with a grill. It’s just… not allowed. Crazy, I know.
“I’ll probably give you all my leftover charcoal too.” I love the “probably” here. He “might.” He “hasn’t decided.” But seriously, what in the hell will he do with it if he doesn’t give it to you? That’s MY question.
I really hope someone buys this guy’s grill. He worked hard on this ad, injected a bit of personality, and he’s clearly fleeing the state after burning up non-food related things on his grill.
Okay, so you’ve got your grill, and now you need your meat.
Meat Rabbits – $1520 (S. KC,MO)
I have several very nice meat rabbits as breeding stock.
NZW’s are $20 each….. have does and bucks available
CA/NZW cross $15 each – does and bucks available
Our rabbitry is hormone and anti-biotic free and we have breeding stock in 7 states.
Butchered rabbit is sold at $7.99 lb.
Monthly and yearly farm shares available. Please inquire.
I seriously don’t… I can’t even. I don’t know what is happening here. It can’t ACTUALLY be legal to sell meat on craigslist, right? WTF? MEAT RABBITS? I just… okay. This was frightening and I’m never searching craigslist for “meat” again. (Just kidding, I did it, and HOLY SHIT. Goats… lambs… more rabbits.) Just buy your meat from that Mexican dude with the truck that comes to your house like the rest of us do. Moving on.
So now you’ve got the grill and your meat rabbits, and so you need some shit to do at the pool or lake, right? Let’s see what we can find for water-recreation purposes.
Contact me through this listing if interested and with any questions. Cash Only. $5 total for everything. Willing to meet somewhere close to I-35 and 75th Street. Floating Basketball Net for the pool with inflatable basketball. Pool Foam Fun Basketball, Soccer Ball, and Football. 2 Splash Bombers Pool Foam Fun Frisbee’s. Count of (4) Torpedo Deep Diver Game Pool Toys.
Okay, at first glance, this seems reasonable, and possibly even a good deal. $5.00 for all of this stuff? That appears to be in decent condition? Then you realize that he says he’ll meet you somewhere—he’ll meet you somewhere, to unload FIVE DOLLARS worth of pool toys—and you realize that this man is going to murder you. Do not contact this man about pool toys. It is a ploy to get your skin or something.
Women’s Inflatable Rocking Float – $20 (N. Kansas City)
Adult 37 inch ROCKING FLOAT. Pink with cup and /or Beer Holder. New in Box. Never been opened. Text me if interested. Will trade!!
I almost breezed right past this until I saw the magic phrase: WILL TRADE!! (The double exclamation points really let me know they were serious about fucking trading, too.) This opens up a whole world of possibilities in my quest to own this in-the-box inflatable lady thing. HOW MANY MEAT RABBITS WOULD YOU TAKE FOR THIS, SIR?
HERE IS A NEW NEVER USED CI CHI’S ADVERTISING INFLATABLE RUBBER RAFT. THIS UNIT HAS NEVER BEEN USED, IT COMES WITH PUMP AND OARS. I AM SELLING IT FOR $50.00. IT WILL BE A LOT OF FUN THIS SUMMER. PLEASE CONTACT ROGER AT (redacted) IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS.
A) I’m not sure what in the hell this is, tbh.
B) Is it Chi-Chi’s, the failed Mexican restaurant? I mean, he says “Ci-Chi’s,” but he also types in all caps throughout, so it’s a little hard to know if he’s just stupid or if he’s crazy. The logo seems familiar, but it’s been a while since I’ve seen a real live “Tits Mexican Restaurant.”
C) I normally wouldn’t condone driving all the way to Columbia for something so puzzling, but like the poster says, “IT WILL BE A LOT OF FUN THIS SUMMER.” Damn straight it will.
Speedo mens swim trunks – $5 (Platte City)
Swimsuit in perfect shape! Size medium. Black & red in color. No signs of wear. I can easily meet near Zona Rosa or Legends.
And it doesn’t get any weirder than this, folks. For the low price of $5.00, you can go meet a man—he’s flexible on location—and buy his used Speedos. As he likes to say, “swimsuit in perfect shape,” whatever that means.
Happy Memorial Day, everyone!