2013 was a year of tragedy, triumphant and tribulation in the sports world. Blah, blah, blah. Okay, it was mostly like any other year, really, which always seems to include equal measures of sorrow and agony as well as jubilation and joy. Because, you know, sports.
The Royals were OK, which is to say that it was the best year they’d had in decades, and the Chiefs were really, really great through 9 games (against mediocre-to-awful competition) and then they were just shitty.
And so it goes.
So what can sports fans expect in 2014? Lots of sports, probably. You know, with some good moments and some bad. Kind of like any other year.
If you’re interested in hearing some more (crackpot/insane/ill-informed/ridiculous) SPECIFIC predictions, though, read on. Because I’ve done just that.
You know, the one that’s less than a month away. It fills me with riotous vomit to type it out, to commit this bowel-rattling thought to paper, but I don’t think that there’s a team in the league who can beat Manning and his cohorts. They are a juggernaut of meticulous efficiency, and sadly, I don’t think ANYONE will be able to dethrone them until Manning decides to call it quits. Look, I don’t like it anymore than you do, but facts are facts: Peyton Manning was constructed by Football Scientists working at a football-cyborg factory in a desolate stretch of the Appalachians, and until he is decommissioned, he will do whatever he wants, forever.
The Chiefs Will Win Their First Playoff Game in Over 20 Years
Okay, so this one will technically happen in 2015, but you get it—it’ll be the result of the 2014 season. No, they won’t have a nine-game winning streak, and no, they won’t finish 11-5, but they will make the playoffs as a Wild Card, and they will defeat someone (Cincinnati or Pittsburgh) in the first round. Everyone in Kansas City will overturn Ford Festivas and make babies and then the Chiefs will lose the following week. Probably to the Colts.
The Royals Will NOT Make the Playoffs, Still
It pains me to say it, but there will likely be a regression. Ervin Santana is gone, Justin or Jason Vargas was added as his “replacement” in the rotation, and the team’s fourth or fifth starter (or maybe fourth AND fifth) will be Wade Fucking Davis and/or Luke Hochevar. A few decent upgrades on offense (Aoki and Infante) won’t be enough to overcome a rotation that figures to take a big step backwards. Sadly.
And then James Shields will be gone and “hello, sweet embrace of eternal misery.” Just kill me now, please.
The Miami Heat Will Win the NBA Championship
Yeah, I don’t know. I honestly don’t know anything about the NBA, but this seems like a lock, right? Maybe? They’ve still got LeBron James, don’t they?
Mostly because it’s happening in Russia, and Russia ranks behind only Florida, Germany, Ohio and the Middle East on the list of “Places Where Insane Shit Happens, but it’s Not Surprising Because it’s in Florida, Germany, Ohio, the Middle East or Russia.”
There Will be a Brief Period in Late August Where Americans Will be Wildly Interested in Tennis
I haven’t figured this one out yet, but trust me. Maybe it turns out a popular lady tennis player has a penis, or maybe someone bludgeons someone else with a racket during an event. We’ll see.
An NFL Player Will SHOCK THE WORLD by Coming Out as Gay
Kidding. It’ll be a backup left guard for like, the Jacksonville Jaguars who played parts of three seasons in the early 2000’s. Nobody will give a shit, but it’ll ignite a whole new slew or HOT SPORTS TAKES and thoughtful op-ed pieces about the culture of professional sports and its relationship with homosexuality.
Brent Musberger Will do Something On-Air That Will Usher in His “Retirement”
He’ll probably use the n-word or start talking about his weird, old-man boner. It’s always an adventure with Musberger!
And will I buy my first ever wrestling pay-per-view? Absolutely. McMahon has proven himself time and time again to be a shrewd, forward-thinking, business genius. After recently introducing his $10-a-month, unlimited content, WWE specific media outlet (television channel?), he’ll one-up himself by bringing Andre back from the dead to fight the Undertaker at this year’s biggest WWE event. You crazy for this one, Vince!
A Famous Boxer Who Almost Everyone Knows Will Die
It could be George Foreman or Larry Holmes, but the smart money—sadly—is on Ali. This will then initiate no less than eight posts from The Scribe about the time he met The Champ for 15 minutes while working on the Heroes Forever video series.
So get ready for that.
JK, Craig. We love you, buddy.
I’m Pretty Sure That the Dodgers Will Beat the Red Sox in the World Series
But not confident enough to make it one of my Accu-Lock 100% Predictions. So don’t hold me to it.
…okay, or any of these, really. But wouldn’t it be awesome if I got them all totally right? I’d never shut up about it.
Happy sports-watching in 2014, sports fans!