Leftridge: Totally Solid 2014 Sports Predictions

Nostradamus12013 was a year of tragedy, triumphant and tribulation in the sports world. Blah, blah, blah. Okay, it was mostly like any other year, really, which always seems to include equal measures of sorrow and agony as well as jubilation and joy. Because, you know, sports.

The Royals were OK, which is to say that it was the best year they’d had in decades, and the Chiefs were really, really great through 9 games (against mediocre-to-awful competition) and then they were just shitty.

And so it goes.

So what can sports fans expect in 2014? Lots of sports, probably. You know, with some good moments and some bad. Kind of like any other year.

If you’re interested in hearing some more (crackpot/insane/ill-informed/ridiculous) SPECIFIC predictions, though, read on. Because I’ve done just that.

 

broncobotThe Denver Broncos Will Win the Super Bowl

You know, the one that’s less than a month away. It fills me with riotous vomit to type it out, to commit this bowel-rattling thought to paper, but I don’t think that there’s a team in the league who can beat Manning and his cohorts. They are a juggernaut of meticulous efficiency, and sadly, I don’t think ANYONE will be able to dethrone them until Manning decides to call it quits. Look, I don’t like it anymore than you do, but facts are facts: Peyton Manning was constructed by Football Scientists working at a football-cyborg factory in a desolate stretch of the Appalachians, and until he is decommissioned, he will do whatever he wants, forever.

 

The Chiefs Will Win Their First Playoff Game in Over 20 Years

Okay, so this one will technically happen in 2015, but you get it—it’ll be the result of the 2014 season. No, they won’t have a nine-game winning streak, and no, they won’t finish 11-5, but they will make the playoffs as a Wild Card, and they will defeat someone (Cincinnati or Pittsburgh) in the first round. Everyone in Kansas City will overturn Ford Festivas and make babies and then the Chiefs will lose the following week. Probably to the Colts.

 

The Royals Will NOT Make the Playoffs, Still

It pains me to say it, but there will likely be a regression. Ervin Santana is gone, Justin or Jason Vargas was added as his “replacement” in the rotation, and the team’s fourth or fifth starter (or maybe fourth AND fifth) will be Wade Fucking Davis and/or Luke Hochevar.  A few decent upgrades on offense (Aoki and Infante) won’t be enough to overcome a rotation that figures to take a big step backwards. Sadly.

And then James Shields will be gone and “hello, sweet embrace of eternal misery.” Just kill me now, please.

 

The Miami Heat Will Win the NBA Championship

Yeah, I don’t know. I honestly don’t know anything about the NBA, but this seems like a lock, right? Maybe? They’ve still got LeBron James, don’t they?

 

sotchi-pictos-2The Winter Olympics Will be Tarnished by Multiple Controversies

Mostly because it’s happening in Russia, and Russia ranks behind only Florida, Germany, Ohio and the Middle East on the list of “Places Where Insane Shit Happens, but it’s Not Surprising Because it’s in Florida, Germany, Ohio, the Middle East or Russia.”

 

There Will be a Brief Period in Late August Where Americans Will be Wildly Interested in Tennis

I haven’t figured this one out yet, but trust me. Maybe it turns out a popular lady tennis player has a penis, or maybe someone bludgeons someone else with a racket during an event. We’ll see.

 

An NFL Player Will SHOCK THE WORLD by Coming Out as Gay

Kidding. It’ll be a backup left guard for like, the Jacksonville Jaguars who played parts of three seasons in the early 2000’s. Nobody will give a shit, but it’ll ignite a whole new slew or HOT SPORTS TAKES and thoughtful op-ed pieces about the culture of professional sports and its relationship with homosexuality.

 

Brent Musberger Will do Something On-Air That Will Usher in His “Retirement”

He’ll probably use the n-word or start talking about his weird, old-man boner. It’s always an adventure with Musberger!

 

andrethegVince McMahon Will Reanimate the Corpse of Andre the Giant for Wrestlemania 30

And will I buy my first ever wrestling pay-per-view? Absolutely. McMahon has proven himself time and time again to be a shrewd, forward-thinking, business genius. After recently introducing his $10-a-month, unlimited content, WWE specific media outlet (television channel?), he’ll one-up himself by bringing Andre back from the dead to fight the Undertaker at this year’s biggest WWE event. You crazy for this one, Vince!

 

A Famous Boxer Who Almost Everyone Knows Will Die

It could be George Foreman or Larry Holmes, but the smart money—sadly—is on Ali. This will then initiate no less than eight posts from The Scribe about the time he met The Champ for 15 minutes while working on the Heroes Forever video series.

So get ready for that.

JK, Craig. We love you, buddy.

 

I’m Pretty Sure That the Dodgers Will Beat the Red Sox in the World Series

But not confident enough to make it one of my Accu-Lock 100% Predictions. So don’t hold me to it.

…okay, or any of these, really. But wouldn’t it be awesome if I got them all totally right? I’d never shut up about it.

Happy sports-watching in 2014, sports fans!

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14 Responses to Leftridge: Totally Solid 2014 Sports Predictions

  1. mike t. says:

    no predictions on tiger? i think it’s a sure bet he wins at least one major this year – my money would be on The Masters, and places second at The Players, despite a hole in one on the island hole 17th, and he surpasses sam snead’s all time tournament win record.

    • Funny you should say that… I DID have a Tiger prediction in my original list, but for some reason, I failed to include it in the piece. I basically said exactly what you did– that I think he wins a major. I was thinking Masters, as well.

      • mike t. says:

        i was obviously joking about the hole-in-one on 17 at sawgrass, but why not tiger? anyway, he might also have a good shot at The Open; he’s won before on that course, and he might have a shot at the US Open, being played this year at Pinehurst.

  2. CG says:

    Lefty…just FYI, I worked with Ali for a few weeks as did our crew. I interviewed him a couple times for quite a bit. One of the interviews was on the newer pic, the one out in 2010, CHAMPIONS FOREVER, ALI…of course those are edited down.

    I am surprised Ali has been able to live this long. He has been ill to a great extent since he lost to Holmes back in 1980. It’s a modern miracle he lived another 30 plus years. It was an honor to work with all the guys, Ali,Foreman, Frazier, Norton and Holmes. I spent more time with Kenny and Joe after the movie. Kenny lived in San Diego and I visited him a few times, Joe and I were in court with the Ali group, so he and I hung out for a few days years later.

    I worked hard on the edit of that picture and its kinda not too cool to say ” I worked with Ali for fifteen minutes.” I know it was in jest but that movie, Champions Forever, to this day is one of the best and most sold sports doc’s in history, worldwide, several million sold and continues to sell. To this day it is on Amazon.com and in many stores that sell DVD’s around the world. I was proud to be a part of doing a picture on the lives of those men, especially Ali, who was my childhood hero in sports. So thanks for the mention and hope he continues to live long and prosper.

  3. the dude says:

    Brady and Bellichek are going to sink the S.S. Manning once more with feeling.
    You are wrong good sir!!

  4. Paul says:

    Brandon, I’ll bet you a Winstead’s Double Steakburger that Davis and Hochevar don’t start ten games between them, with all or almost all of those being by Davis. If I lose, it means the Royals have seriously hit the skids, which I don’t think will happen.

    I keep reminding myself that Santana was 9-13 with an ERA over 5 the year before he came to KC. The ballpark and defense should help Vargas.

  5. Kerouac says:

    Two quibbles from Kerouac, 2014 crystal balling… LA Dodgers & KC Chiefs

    Dodgers (my faves since ’58) will chalk up year 26 without making (let alone winning) a World Series; they are the finest – check that – ‘most expen$ive’ collection ‘I’ndividuals that money can buy; alas, they are not a ‘team’.

    Football, franchises that existed previous to but haven’t made it a Superbowl since the merger in 1970:

    Kansas City… NY Jets… Detroit… that’s it, just three teams (e-m-b-a-r-r-a-s-s-i-n-g)

    In the 44 years since, each of the Chiefs AFL West peers have made it to a Superbowl, some more than once (OAK & DEN, each multiple (X 2) Superbowl winners; DEN may make it 3 Championships soon enough; SD & CIN have both made it, if not prevailed.)

    Newer expansion teams have not: the Houston Texans (born 2002), Cleveland Browns (re-born 1999 aft the original Browns left for BALT) and Jacksonville & Carolina (both born in 1995); the old adage ‘you are the company you keep’ comes to mind… loserville, case Chiefs (‘welcome to loserville’… wasn’t that a captioned pic a recent KCC column?)

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