And while I plan to unleash a full explanation for my absence shortly, this was just some low hanging fruit from a vacation I couldn’t pass up.
The question I’ve been wrestling with since last Saturday in the Buzzard Bar at Big Cedar is this; do all douche bags wear “Affliction” clothing or do you put Affliction on and instantly turn into a D-bag? I find it hard to believe 100% cotton can wield that much influence and power over a human being, still I think it’s a valid question.
According to Wiki, Affliction Clothing was founded in 2005 by a handful of dudes with close ties to mixed martial arts, or MMA. Maybe that’s the answer right there; it’s an extension of the TapOut and Ed Hardy curse. You put it on and you think you’re an instant bad ass.
Interesting aside: it only took until 2009 for Maxim to label Affliction clothing the “douche bag de jour of shirts.”
Not that I have anything against the clothing line, outside of it being ugly and the primary design concept seeming no more creative than, “When in doubt, slap a skull on it.”
Second only to the company’s use of skulls is the application of the French Fleur-de-lis symbol. Because most wearers of Affliction’s attire don’t appear to have sufficient IQ points or culture to know the fleur-de-lis a stylized image made up from a bound lily.
And a compliment in passing of, “That’s a very pretty French flower on your shirt, son,” would likely leave them feeling a lot less bad ass.
You know, I’d assume.
Which brings me back to that night at the Buzzard. Axe Body Spray filled the room as 5’8”, Crown and Coke drinking Danny D-bag and his friend strolled into the bar, taking the table next to me where I was having drinks with friends. Danny had the fully blown out Jersey Shore hairdo. And his man pal instantly reminded me of the Monday-Friday CPA who breaks out his Harley wear on Friday when he closes the office and heads to bike night with the other weekend biker bad boys.
None of whom were wearing rings of any kind. CPA’s gal could have passed for his daughter. Danny Boy’s lady – either rented or there by choice – was more age appropriate. And clearly the dudes were of means, unless they just drove down from Springfield for dinner, since the going rate at Big Cedar is like $800 a day.
Their conversation was sprinkled with the all too frequent use of the term “brah” when referring to each other and the entire repartee between the two men revolved around their personal feats of manliness, covering the entire span of their bromance.
They had to be close friends because their conversation skipped from 502 horsepower dune buggies jumping hills, to their latest boat project with “two new turbos this year,” drunken nights in various cities, etc..
Most captivating was the retelling of, “Remember the time you were in the boat and I flew over the lake in my plane, rolled it upside down and flew over you 10 feet above your head, pacing the boat at 100mph under the bridge?”
Of course, it goes without saying – although it was mentioned 50 times – that the “brahs” were VIPs no matter where they went.
Both girls were virtually silent during the entire two hours of “Let’s top that story with a bigger one” and brah-to-brah jerk offs. The women would occasionally glance at one another with a disgusted smirk then stare back into space.
The men, with thick necks and small bladders, left together twice to go to the rest room, serving as the only occasion I heard the girls speak in whispered tones bemoaning the plight of their evening.
Bragging about their toys did not cover the dudes mega douche status, no matter how hard they tried and the women knew it.
Fads: how do they begin and why do they hang on so long?
There was a brief moment in w003 when Von Dutch t-shirts were kinda cool – but only when worn by people who followed the pin striping and rat rod trends. And it took Maxim nearly five years to label this one for what it is.
So there you have it; now, you’re no longer “unique” wearing Affliction’s $80 dollar, poorly designed t-shirts. Kinda like tattoos; now you’re considered more unique by not having one.
Maybe it wasn’t the clothing line’s fault, maybe it was just two self-absorbed gas bag dudes who didn’t realize they were with two really nice, hot girls. Or, maybe it was that the girls weren’t going to become important until later in the evening,
I’m betting they didn’t need to talk then either.