Leftridge: Christmas Gift Ideas for the Thin of Wallet

399px-ZwartepietLike it or not, it’s that time of year. The stockings have been hung by the chimney with care, some guy named Black Pete may or may not be coming to frighten your children to death, and everyone everywhere (except in unholy nations who do not believe in a Jesus-person rising from the dead) is eagerly anticipating the spoils of Christmas morn.

Unfortunately, our economy is robustly in the shitter. This is an undeniable truth plagued by still-catastrophic unemployment numbers (we know, we know—it’s been widely reported that our numbers are “the best they’ve been in years!” but we also know the statistics these figures fail to incorporate), a lack of borrowing ability, Obamacare concerns, money markets paying 0.01% interest and the inevitable “Thelma and Louise convertible ride” toward the terrifying reality of a fiscal cliff crash.

But hey—Christmas waits for no man, regardless of socioeconomic status. Your kid needs a Tickle-Monster-Elmo, a refurbished Furby and a bike that will resolutely be stolen the moment they lock it up outside at the bike-rack of their unaccredited school.

So before you embarrass yourself by touching your cousin’s boob at your family Christmas engagement, get your shopping done in style… on Craigslist. For free.

You’re welcome in advance.

Small bag of food a bag of yound boys cloths and shoes and a few toys (Northeast)

“Mostly beans and prunes dates a couple cans nothing big 3-4 pairs of shoes and cloths and a few toys must be able to pick up between 8-8:30am on sunday thank you”

This is sad, and I don’t even want to make fun of it, so I won’t. Seriously. Wait, what happened to the yound boys? WHY DO THEY HAVE A BAG OF BEANS AND PRUNES DATES? What weird child’s death is prompting this ad? Jesus, shit. If you go here for your Christmas shopping, I hope you get what’s coming to you… you know, some kid cloths and a bag of assorted food-stuffs. This is saying, Merry Xmas, fam, I HATE YOU, OBVIOUSLY.

 

Security Tag 002Small box full of security tags (KC North near Liberty)

“I have a box full of security tags (probably 200+ ) like the ones used in clothing stores to prevent merchandise from being stolen. I do NOT have the device that removes the tags. Come pick them up if you can use them. In KC North near Liberty.”

If I can use them? Are you fucking KIDDING? My kids LOVE playing “MALL SECURITY COP” and I always hit them because they go about it all half-assed. What good is your playtime if you DON’T have real-life security tags, you little shits? It’s no good, that’s what.

But seriously, someone in the Northland has a box-full of security tags, the kind that are used to prevent clothing thefts. For some reason. They DO NOT have the device that removes the tags, though. Don’t be an ass, and don’t ask for it. And may all your Christmases be bright.

 

hedge apples (blue springs mo)

“lots of them under several trees—–free if u pick up—-dave @ (redacted)”

FREE HEDGE APPLES? TO WHAT DO I OWE THIS PLEASURE?? But seriously, if you’re poor, and you know a good recipe for hedge-apple pie, you’re fucking set. Also good for asshole kids who like to chuck shit at other kids’ heads. And let’s face it, if you’re trolling craigslist for free Christmas gifts, you probably qualify for both of the things I just mentioned. Your wife/cousin makes a mean-ass hedge-apple pie, and your son/second cousin has a penchant for throwing hard objects at other people.

 

playstar_playset_P1010085Play Set (1320 Lawrence Ave LV, KS)

“This is in my way! I need it gone. Wood is good. Easy to lay in back of trailer and drive away! bring a 16 ft trailer and knock on my front door. First come, First served!”

Let’s examine this posting, sentence by sentence because initially, it seems like a FINE post for someone trying to buy a Christmas gift for their kid.

1)   Why is it “in your way”?

2)   Okay?

3)   Wood IS good, but that’s a bizarre, seemingly unrelated statement.

4)   Sounds like you’re propositioning me.

5)   Nope.

6)   I think you meant “first come, first raped, mutilated and buried beneath my play set.”

In conclusion, no thanks. There’s a serial killer loose in Leavenworth, folks, and he has a plan to make you a victim. Don’t fall for his cryptically blurry photo of a play-set. IT’S ALL A RUSE!!

 

posters-horses (liberty)

“PPU-if not picked up, will go down list. Thanx. Have 2 bundles of pic./ posters dating back to early 70’s, some are horse mag. Pull outs. Also have a pic. That you use a black lite on. Some child interested in horses? Please pickup soon or goes in trash. 1 pic of just 1 of the posters.”

Look, there’s a lot of lingo going on here that I don’t understand… PPU? Horse mag? Pull outs? Given craigslist’s penchant for harboring unrepentant perverts, I’m loath to suggest this posting to ANYONE, even IF “some child interested in horses?” That said, I’m sure they have some FINE free horse posters up in Liberty. All I’m saying is that you need to acquire these at your own risk.

Also: Harley? Is that you?

 

toiletAmerican Standard toilet bowl, comfort height, 1.6 g bolt holes 5.75″ (south kc)

“Good condition, must also take 4 other bowls, trying to clean up some space”

Does little Kaydon like to shit? I mean, does he REALLY like to shit? Like, a LOT? Is it his passion? Well then here you go, your Christmas shopping is finished (and SO cheap!) with one trip to south KC. All I ask is that you say a silent prayer of thanks to me when your beloved child is having a blast pooping in one of four free toilets.

 

Free Hot Tub (Independence)

“I have a hot tub Free To anyone who comes to pick it up. The heater needs replaced in it. You will need a truck and three strong men to move it. It must go asap.”

First of all, is this a haiku? Not quite? Oh. Well, anyway, is your child an international playboy? National playboy? Statewide lothario? Look, does your kid get laid in the McDonald’s Play-Place? We all pray he (or she!!!) doesn’t, but around here, we’re realists. You’re in the KC metro. Your kid is 10-15 years of age. Your kid HAS a kid, no doubt. Well, gramps, if you’ve accepted the inevitable, you’re due for a relaxing hot tub. You know, so Dakota can go about his business as KC’s youngest, most available sleaze. If you’ve answered yes to any of the following questions, GET THIS FUCKING HOT TUB. It’s free, and I’m pretty sure the boiling water kills most of the illnesses… and if it doesn’t? The gift recipient has them anyway. Circle of life?

Also: Smartman– you’re welcome, buddy.

 

rg_leaves_866218 Bags of Leaves (NKC)

“I have 18 bags of leaves sitting out in front of my house at (redacted) just off Barry Rd. Take as many as you can. I apparently missed the citys pickup date. Do not knock or email. Just stop by. I will remove the add when they are all gone.”

Can I REALLY have your free leaves? To do anything that I want with them??? Holy shit! This right here… THIS is a dream come true– the kind of thing that pulls people from Cuba and validates a Russian’s response to what makes America great.

Wait—does your kid like leaves? Bags and bags of leaves?

 

Alright… I lost it. I can’t do it anymore. These leaves pushed me over the edge. Nobody wants free leaves, no matter how poor they are. Leaves are fucking free everywhere, and nobody needs an invitation to revel in their leafy goodness.

 

Fuck you, Craigslist, you’re just ridiculous.

Merry Christmas, KCC. Follow me on Twitter @StanfordWhistle.

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13 Responses to Leftridge: Christmas Gift Ideas for the Thin of Wallet

  1. Super Dave says:

    Hey Brandon just had an idea how we could get rich an retire to some sandy beaches with that guy named Paul.

    See we make this home security tags kit (using free tags we get) for parents to use on their kids to keep them out of the mall. They just attach a tag to all the kids clothes and they sent off alarms when trying to get into the store at the mall after being told to stay home and security just licks them out telling them to go home.

    I mean this has to work we sell on craigslist and make millions.

  2. Pingback: Leftridge: Christmas Gift Ideas for the Thin of Wallet | KC Confidential | Merolog Web Host

  3. harley says:

    seldom do i laugh on kc confidential…except when chuckles the clown…wilson..
    mark smith…smarmyman write stupid comments that they expect people to
    believe as fact.
    But lefty…i love these craiglist articles. Seriously..your best work…you need
    to start a website (funniest craigs list ads..like people of wal mart site) or do
    something on abigger basis with this stuff..
    I know its hard to read from harleys keyboard…but this was very..
    have a great x mas lefty.
    p.s….i have added you to harleys list of fans/followers/disciples and readers!

  4. harley says:

    oh wait…i just read your reference to me on the horse posters.
    NO LEFTY…i’m not a horse enthusiast…we used to have a barn and horses
    in our back yard but wasn’t my favorite thing.
    Now i understand you at age 30 don’t have a car which i’m sure hurts your
    standings with the ladies…so maybe you need to look into a horse…or
    a some type of transportation besides that bus that you decribe as
    disgusting…maybe you might be ableto get some women (lol)..
    and lefty….go see Neil at Neils Finance Plaza…the guy would love to
    finance you on a vehicle.
    lefty…no harm done..i still wish you and your fellow street walkers a
    merry merry xmas.

    • Rodney Jameson says:

      Harley! Your point is curious! Sorry, I had my headphones on. Anyhow, as far as the standings with the ladies go, I’d say the Blue Jays are looking pretty strong. I guess it would be necessary for you to agree with this provision.

  5. mark smith says:

    harley said he had a horse in his BACKYARD..wink wink.

    Funny stuff Lefty. Have a good Christmas everyone.

    • the dude says:

      Harley was Mr. Hand’s photographer butt-buddy. I guess a perforated colon will dampen anyone’s interest in animal husbandry, eh Harley?

      • harley says:

        and the dude…1am on a sunday night…whats up with that.
        waiting for the shift to start on your trash truck route.
        run out of porn to watch at 1 am so you come on with some
        comments…
        all you losers…like mark smith and the dude…please
        say something that requires some brains. You’re just
        the biggest losers. On sunday nights this is what you
        do? at 1am..?.
        UH…DUDE…GET A LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • harley says:

      mark is no doubt one of the biggest losers on kcc.
      truthfully the guy said he would stop writing on here if romney lost..
      well we know what happened…mark smith the idiot was wrong again…
      as always…and then he was given another chance by hearne and myself
      to be able to comment. Out of the kindness of our heart we allowed this
      loser to come back on despite the fact that he’s not even smart enough
      to write something intelligent.
      His comments are absolutely stupid and any loser having to post this kind
      of comment at 10pm on a sunday night at 10pm is one big fucking a-hole…
      since we let him continue to post on here i suggest he stop his childish
      ways and grow up. Having to make comments after all my comments
      shows he’s just another angry butt old guy.
      He’s not made on single intelligent comment on here. No wonder he’s
      up at 10pm on a sunday jagging off and trying to impress people who
      now realize he’s a fool.
      he’s a l o s e r!!!!!!!

      • Lance The Intern says:

        ” any loser having to post this kind
        of comment at 10pm on a sunday night at 10pm is one big fucking a-hole…”

        Says the guy posting before 7 am on Christmas Eve.

  6. Rodney Jameson says:

    I ate a security tag once. Didn’t do shit. So, I think we’d all agree that’s one option to do with them. Secondly, I’ve seen Bear Grylls use free leaves to make an oven, insulation lining for a coat, illegal narcotics, and a 2004 remake of Some Like It Hot. So maybe the problem isn’t free leaves, maybe the problem is the free people who don’t know what to do with them? #enslave the masses with free leaves

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