Leftridge: Christmas Gift Ideas for the Thin of Wallet

Like it or not, it’s that time of year. The stockings have been hung by the chimney with care, some guy named Black Pete may or may not be coming to frighten your children to death, and everyone everywhere (except in unholy nations who do not believe in a Jesus-person rising from the dead) is eagerly anticipating the spoils of Christmas morn.

Unfortunately, our economy is robustly in the shitter. This is an undeniable truth plagued by still-catastrophic unemployment numbers (we know, we know—it’s been widely reported that our numbers are “the best they’ve been in years!” but we also know the statistics these figures fail to incorporate), a lack of borrowing ability, Obamacare concerns, money markets paying 0.01% interest and the inevitable “Thelma and Louise convertible ride” toward the terrifying reality of a fiscal cliff crash.

But hey—Christmas waits for no man, regardless of socioeconomic status. Your kid needs a Tickle-Monster-Elmo, a refurbished Furby and a bike that will resolutely be stolen the moment they lock it up outside at the bike-rack of their unaccredited school.

So before you embarrass yourself by touching your cousin’s boob at your family Christmas engagement, get your shopping done in style… on Craigslist. For free.

You’re welcome in advance.

Small bag of food a bag of yound boys cloths and shoes and a few toys (Northeast)

“Mostly beans and prunes dates a couple cans nothing big 3-4 pairs of shoes and cloths and a few toys must be able to pick up between 8-8:30am on sunday thank you”

This is sad, and I don’t even want to make fun of it, so I won’t. Seriously. Wait, what happened to the yound boys? WHY DO THEY HAVE A BAG OF BEANS AND PRUNES DATES? What weird child’s death is prompting this ad? Jesus, shit. If you go here for your Christmas shopping, I hope you get what’s coming to you… you know, some kid cloths and a bag of assorted food-stuffs. This is saying, Merry Xmas, fam, I HATE YOU, OBVIOUSLY.

Small box full of security tags (KC North near Liberty)

“I have a box full of security tags (probably 200+ ) like the ones used in clothing stores to prevent merchandise from being stolen. I do NOT have the device that removes the tags. Come pick them up if you can use them. In KC North near Liberty.”

If I can use them? Are you fucking KIDDING? My kids LOVE playing “MALL SECURITY COP” and I always hit them because they go about it all half-assed. What good is your playtime if you DON’T have real-life security tags, you little shits? It’s no good, that’s what.

But seriously, someone in the Northland has a box-full of security tags, the kind that are used to prevent clothing thefts. For some reason. They DO NOT have the device that removes the tags, though. Don’t be an ass, and don’t ask for it. And may all your Christmases be bright.

hedge apples (blue springs mo)

“lots of them under several trees—–free if u pick up—-dave @ (redacted)”

FREE HEDGE APPLES? TO WHAT DO I OWE THIS PLEASURE?? But seriously, if you’re poor, and you know a good recipe for hedge-apple pie, you’re fucking set. Also good for asshole kids who like to chuck shit at other kids’ heads. And let’s face it, if you’re trolling craigslist for free Christmas gifts, you probably qualify for both of the things I just mentioned. Your wife/cousin makes a mean-ass hedge-apple pie, and your son/second cousin has a penchant for throwing hard objects at other people.

Play Set (1320 Lawrence Ave LV, KS)

“This is in my way! I need it gone. Wood is good. Easy to lay in back of trailer and drive away! bring a 16 ft trailer and knock on my front door. First come, First served!”

Let’s examine this posting, sentence by sentence because initially, it seems like a FINE post for someone trying to buy a Christmas gift for their kid.

1)   Why is it “in your way”?

2)   Okay?

3)   Wood IS good, but that’s a bizarre, seemingly unrelated statement.

4)   Sounds like you’re propositioning me.

5)   Nope.

6)   I think you meant “first come, first raped, mutilated and buried beneath my play set.”

In conclusion, no thanks. There’s a serial killer loose in Leavenworth, folks, and he has a plan to make you a victim. Don’t fall for his cryptically blurry photo of a play-set. IT’S ALL A RUSE!!

posters-horses (liberty)

“PPU-if not picked up, will go down list. Thanx. Have 2 bundles of pic./ posters dating back to early 70’s, some are horse mag. Pull outs. Also have a pic. That you use a black lite on. Some child interested in horses? Please pickup soon or goes in trash. 1 pic of just 1 of the posters.”

Look, there’s a lot of lingo going on here that I don’t understand… PPU? Horse mag? Pull outs? Given craigslist’s penchant for harboring unrepentant perverts, I’m loath to suggest this posting to ANYONE, even IF “some child interested in horses?” That said, I’m sure they have some FINE free horse posters up in Liberty. All I’m saying is that you need to acquire these at your own risk.

Also: Harley? Is that you?

American Standard toilet bowl, comfort height, 1.6 g bolt holes 5.75″ (south kc)

“Good condition, must also take 4 other bowls, trying to clean up some space”

Does little Kaydon like to shit? I mean, does he REALLY like to shit? Like, a LOT? Is it his passion? Well then here you go, your Christmas shopping is finished (and SO cheap!) with one trip to south KC. All I ask is that you say a silent prayer of thanks to me when your beloved child is having a blast pooping in one of four free toilets.

Free Hot Tub (Independence)

“I have a hot tub Free To anyone who comes to pick it up. The heater needs replaced in it. You will need a truck and three strong men to move it. It must go asap.”

First of all, is this a haiku? Not quite? Oh. Well, anyway, is your child an international playboy? National playboy? Statewide lothario? Look, does your kid get laid in the McDonald’s Play-Place? We all pray he (or she!!!) doesn’t, but around here, we’re realists. You’re in the KC metro. Your kid is 10-15 years of age. Your kid HAS a kid, no doubt. Well, gramps, if you’ve accepted the inevitable, you’re due for a relaxing hot tub. You know, so Dakota can go about his business as KC’s youngest, most available sleaze. If you’ve answered yes to any of the following questions, GET THIS FUCKING HOT TUB. It’s free, and I’m pretty sure the boiling water kills most of the illnesses… and if it doesn’t? The gift recipient has them anyway. Circle of life?

Also: Smartman– you’re welcome, buddy.

18 Bags of Leaves (NKC)

“I have 18 bags of leaves sitting out in front of my house at (redacted) just off Barry Rd. Take as many as you can. I apparently missed the citys pickup date. Do not knock or email. Just stop by. I will remove the add when they are all gone.”

Can I REALLY have your free leaves? To do anything that I want with them??? Holy shit! This right here… THIS is a dream come true– the kind of thing that pulls people from Cuba and validates a Russian’s response to what makes America great.

Wait—does your kid like leaves? Bags and bags of leaves?

Alright… I lost it. I can’t do it anymore. These leaves pushed me over the edge. Nobody wants free leaves, no matter how poor they are. Leaves are fucking free everywhere, and nobody needs an invitation to revel in their leafy goodness.

Fuck you, Craigslist, you’re just ridiculous.

Merry Christmas, KCC. Follow me on Twitter @StanfordWhistle.