New Jack City: Jack’s Ode To Colonel Billy & Erectile Dysfunction

When it comes to top notch local TV ads the honors go to NEBRASKA FURNITURE MART...

I don’t know who creates or shoots its spots, but I’ve never felt insulted by one. Month after month and season by season Nebraska’s commercials are themed to particular sales or holidays in eye popping, yet classy ways that blow away the competition.

Granted Nebraska probably has far heftier budgets allocated for the production of its spots, but the image they create and (probably) the sales they spark, put most of its competitors to shame.

Think about some of those other lame furniture store commercials.

Like the vanity ones featuring a business owner and his daughter—to which they’ve just added her newborn baby. Thank god the baby at least keeps its trap shut. Embarrassing.
Which brings me to my most dreaded local TV spots.

# 1—Those shrill, voice shattering spots delivered by Ray Vinson for Vinson Mortgage Group. And now they’ve added a younger Vinson to the commercials. His voice is less grading, but still, I can’t turn my sound down fast enough when they come on.

# 2—I’d desperately hoped we’d lost these dudes forever, However Sonic Drive-In has dug them back up. You know who I’m talking about, those two strange dudes sitting in a car bitching and bickering about nothing. What are they really up to? Weird.

Adding insult to injury, the last time I, uh, dined at the Sonic on Metcalf in Overland Park they charged me for a cup of water with the meal. “Sorry sir, company policy,” I was told.

# 3—The hard sell, over-the-top spots for Olathe Toyota. I’ve never been to its showroom to shop, but those loud, screaming spots make me think twice about doing business with them. I’d settle for Sonny Hill and Platte City Water Tower any time.


Finally, here’s something that’s confused me for the longest time.

Those nationally broadcast CIALIS spots.

If CIALIS is such the perfect cure for erectile dysfunction, what are the couple in its ads doing splashing around in SEPARATE bathtubs?

Wouldn’t they wanna enjoy the fruits of those pills in a single tub?


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24 Responses to New Jack City: Jack’s Ode To Colonel Billy & Erectile Dysfunction

  1. mike says:

    The ones I used to hate were the Smiling Bob for Enzyte and the Burger King commercial where the guy woke up in his bed to that weirdo in the king costume handing him a sandwich. Really creepy in both cases.

  2. smartman says:

    Oh Jackie Boy, you hit my throbbing boner with this one. TV commercials are like kryptonite to me. Nowhere is the absolute stupidity of the American experience more manifest than in the tv commercial. Love those car commercials with the “professional driver, closed course” disclaimer. And tell me why Mike Rowe is supposed to convince me to buy a Ford Product. The motherfucker made his bones wallowing in shit. And will somebody please put a bullet in the head of Jen from Shawnee Mission Kia. Seriously, it’d be a mercy killing for the viewers. Same with Jimmy Fallon and that Capital One baby. How many loads of Lorne Michaels cum did he have to swallow? And what’s the bullshit with the”non-attorney spokesperson”? And should I really care that the Cadillac CTS made it around the Nurburgring in less than 8 minutes? Still gonna take me an hour to get downtown from southern OP in morning rush hour. And what’s with the stupid bitch doing yoga on the beach at the end of the Smart Balance butter commercial? WTF!

  3. mike says:

    Another thing I HATE is when the commercials are twice as loud as the show I am watching.

    • smartman says:

      Especially since the FCC made it illegal for that to happen. The pissant excuse is that more often than not the commercials that are LOUDER are the local market ads that get pimped in on the national broadcast programs. There is no common limit that every broadcaster has to maintain or cannot exceed. Strangely enough, even when I establish a volume limit in my controls the commercials still come through 3db to 6db louder.

      Whenever possible I TiVo everything I want to watch and blow through all the commercials.

  4. Jim says:

    I suppose this is as good a time to throw this one out there for fodder:

    WTF is with the commercials on latenight TV? Really? Can you just IMAGINE a commercial?

    I shake my head every damn time I see it.

    • smartman says: commercials are usually running on programs watched by FAT WHITE Women. You never see a add on BET either.

  5. chuck says:

    Hey Jack, I do like the guys from Boston sitting around talking about how much they love their Dish recievers recording 6 programs at a time. LMAO

    “I’m coitinly not goin to jog.”


  6. mike says:

    I could also do without any ad about diharrea, feminine hygene, body odor, jock itch, or hemmorhoids. They always seem to be on while I’m eating. Speaking of eating, does anyone else notice how they alternate the ads off for high calorie food and weight loss companies back and forth all day and night.

  7. the dude says:

    Pardon me while I use my Schticky to clean up some crumbs off my shirt.

  8. Cliffy says:

    Nebraska Furniture Mart is still on my sh*t list for rolling out the mumbling Mrs. B for all those years. Good god that was pathetic.

  9. Rick Nichols says:

    I can do without all these commercials that make the man of the house out to be a total doofus while the woman is invariably portrayed as being “ahead of the curve,” always calm, cool and collected and very much “in the know.” No doubt it’s females who are writing the scripts for most of the ads we are seeing these days.

  10. mark smith says:

    Rochelle from the carpet corner commercials has a voice that makes me cringe, although I always thought she was doable if you could keep her from talking.
    I remember the Standard Home improvement commerical from as far back as the late 60s early 70s. Westport 1 7100 was the number, its etched in my memory from their commercial.

  11. tiad says:

    @Rick: Wrong. Those ads are written by men who are aiming them at the women who eat them up (the ads, that is, not the men). Only a man is smart enough to know that women will fall for such things in their commercials.

  12. the dude says:

    So women are still not allowed to be copy writers? Mad Men 2012 eh?

    • smartman says:

      I’ve seen women get better treatment in Thai snuff films then they get on Mad Men.

  13. actionjackson says:

    I respectfully cry foul. When Cripple Creek Rock Company and this cat from Quality All-Care Lawn Services don’t make the list, something is amiss. Oh course, the list was documenting “dreaded” local commercials. I find these two rascals’ ads to be so bad they have become both memorial and entertaining on so many levels. Their goals have been achieved…

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