KC Confidential

There’s entirely too much for you to watch this weekend. Seriously…

And since you’ll be wildly drunk most of the time, the only decision you should be left with is whether or not to sexually harass the Domino’s driver who barely speaks any English (hint: you shouldn’t… she’s a sweet gal).

To make it easy, I’ve compiled a list of must-see sports, things you’ll wish you could be watching when you’re in a detention facility because you ignored me and showed the poor lady your who-ha.

Check it out!

Jacksonville Jaguars @ Carolina Panthers (Sun., 12 p.m. CDT)

When the Panthers drafted Cam Newton with the first overall pick, I was securely in the ‘skeptic’ camp, I’ll admit. I had him penciled in as Mike Vick-lite (and his penchant for sanctioning kitten death matches did nothing to dispel this illusion).

Turns out, I—along with a billion others—might be wrong. With back-to-back 400 yard passing games, he immediately became one of the most electrifying players in the game. Oh, and Mizzou alum Blaine Gabbert gets the start for the Jags. I was never sold on Gabbert, either. Call it the ‘Prove Me Wrong Bowl.’

New England Patriots @ Buffalo Bills (Sun., 12 p.m. CDT)

Face it, there really just aren’t a lot of outwardly compelling NFL match-ups this weekend. One game that does have some potential, though, is NE at Buffalo. The Patriots have been steamrolling so far this year, and Pretty Boy Brady will bust the 1,000 yard mark, likely in his first offensive series.

FIVE MINUTES INTO THE SEASON’S THIRD GAME.

That’s video game shit. Couple this with the fact that Buffalo’s Ryan Fitzpatrick seems to finally be putting things together, and you’ve got yourself a decent shot at a game. And hey, the Bills proved they can hang with the Pats last September when they narrowly won in Foxborough.  

Sprint Cup Series, Sylvania 300 (Sun., 1 p.m. CDT, ESPN)

Restrictor plates! Checkered flags! Mountain Dew-showers! Who will win this Sunday’s coveted Skoal: Boysenberry 500 in Paducah? Will it be Tug Dribbler? Clay Newton? Bob Gobbler? The only way to know for sure is to tune in to the racecar program this Sunday at 1 p.m. on ESPN. Don’t be the only yokel who can’t confidently discuss the crashes come Monday morning, ya’ll!

Boston Red Sox @ New York Yankees (Fri., 6 p.m. CDT, MLB Network)

Though it has become somewhat anticlimactic to discuss the Yankees and Red Sox at this time of year (usually, they’re both securely locked into playoff spots), this time there’s something to play for, goddammit. Over the past couple of weeks, the Sawx have pissed away a mighty Wild Card lead to those pesky Tampa Bay Rays AND the resurgent LA Angels of Anaheim, and with only a fistful of games to go, the heat is on. That’s right, I just quoted ‘Big Daddy’ Glenn Frey (and gave him a nickname, I guess).

With a 70 year old Tim Wakefield taking the hill on Saturday, and the awful ghost of John Lackey pitching on Sunday, Jon Lester has to set the tone with a win on Friday if the BoSox want to see the playoffs.

Missouri Tigers @ #1 Oklahoma Sooners (Sat., 7 p.m. CDT, FX)

Like my grandpappy used to say, “Lightning ain’t apt to strike the same dog’s ass twice, I reckon.” Yeah, pops said a lot of crazy, nonsensical things in his later years, but with regard to the MU/OU matchup in Norman on Saturday night, he’s probably got a point. A lot has changed since the two met last year in Columbia. Mizzou probably won’t win this one—call it a hunch—but the experience should be huge for a young Missouri team.

Osmosis Jones (Sun., 7 p.m. CDT, KSMO 62)

“Inside the body of a zookeeper, a white blood cell tries to foil a plot by a deadly invader to kill their host from within while pretending to be a cold virus.”

Oh, shit. How’d this sneak in here? PLEASE do not watch Osmosis Jones.

#2 LSU Tigers @ #16 WVU Mountaineers (Sat., 7 p.m. CDT, ABC)

So LSU is stacked… what’s new? And while they’ve been challenged plenty this season– West Virginia will be their third ranked opponent in a very young campaign– playing the potent offense of the Mountaineers IN Morgantown will be especially taxing. Led by junior QB Geno Smith, WVU boasts the 6th best passing attack in the country. Geno hasn’t yet come across anything like the Tigers seminal d-line, however. Something’s gotta give.

Manchester United @ Stoke City (Sat., 11:30 a.m., FSC)

Nobody can beat Man U. They literally look like the most invincible team ever, kind of like that ladies college basketball team from a year or two ago who went something like 543 and 0. They’re playing insane ‘futbol‘ right now, and it doesn’t seem as though anyone else in the EPL poses a real threat. Enter Stoke City… Okay, so Stoke City is average at best, and they will not win this game. Or probably even come close. I’ll be tuning in to see my favorite player, though, City’s own Peter Crouch. If you’re unfamiliar—and I’m assuming you are—look for the 6’7” guy who looks like what happened when a giant made beautiful love to a skeleton. His specialty is the header and sometimes, if you’re lucky, he’ll do the robot after a goal.
 

With one awkward landing, a fantastic grimace and the collective gasp of hundreds of thousands of fans, Jamaal Charles effectively dashed this town’s playoff hopes against the rocks of reality.

Okay, so I’m being melodramatic.

This season was likely lost before Charles’ knee turned into a quivering mass of gelatin early in Sunday’s game. Had he not gone down, and had all of the stars that were rapidly plummeting to earth remained securely tucked in the heavens, this was still nothing better than an 8 win team. At absolute best. But truthfully, they’d been shaving wins off of the turkey’s carcass before the season even started.

Tony Moeaki gone in the preseason.

Eric Berry gone after one game.

And this, the final nail in the coffin, the fat lady singing her greasy heart out, her arteries clogged by years of barbecue-abuse. So we chalk it up as a lost cause, a “Suck for Luck” campaign that is gaining traction with each passing Sunday. The real concern, though, is that of the future.

The anterior cruciate ligament is nobody’s punk. Short of complete and total paralysis, it’s the biggest nemesis of most speed-based skill players in the game. While a quarterback may not have as big an issue with rehab and the healing, it’s a much more daunting task for a running back or a safety to transcend.

And there have been those on this site that are crowing that this means the end of Charles and Berry as we know them; that we’ve seen the best they’ll ever give… perhaps, that they’ll never play again.

  This could be true.

But it goes without saying: everybody is different. With modern medical advances, a torn ACL– even in its most severe incarnation– isn’t necessarily the death sentence that it was back in the days of ballplayers named ‘Bronco’ and ‘Youngblood.’ Today’s professional athletes are much better equipped to handle such violently devastating injuries. Oh sure, Charles may never be the insane speedster that we were privileged to watch these past few years, but in all honesty, he may still be a pretty good fucking halfback.

So before we link arms and tandem-jump from the roof of the spooky, soon-to-be abandoned AMC building, let’s take a quick peek at some others who suffered similar injuries and how they fared in overcoming their ACL uh-ohs.

Edgerrin James— whose teeth are up 100% since his retirement in ’09—tore his ACL in 2002 and averaged 1,280 yards per year in his next six seasons.

Willis McGahee suffered an ACL tear while in college and has had a respectable seven year career featuring three seasons where he eclipsed the 1,100 yard rushing mark.

Jamal Lewis tore his in college as well. In a nine year pro career, he averaged 1,178 yards per season including a lunatic-like 2,066 in 2003.

Wes Welker tore his in the last game of the ’09 season. Though it was anticipated he’d be far from ready by the start of 2010, he ended up playing in 15 games, catching 86 passes for 848 yards. 

Braylon Edwards had an ACL injury in 2005. Though he hasn’t quite lived up to his original expectations, he caught 80 passes for 1,289 in 2007. Oh, and his ACL didn’t affect his ability to drink and drive, so that’s nice.

Antonio Cromartie tore his in 2005… and, well, he’s Antonio Cromartie, one of the better cornerbacks in the game. Additionally, his malady didn’t put a damper on his dingus. A prolific procreator, he has 9 children with 8 women in 6 different states—talk about some stats!

Roman Harper, Saints safety, started all 16 games in 2007 after tearing his ACL midway through the ’06 season. He’s a subsequent two time pro-bowler and Super Bowl champ.

Warren Sapp’s vicious facemask take-down caused Jerry Rice to tear his in 1997. Over the next five years, he averaged 80 catches per, for an average of 1,028 yards.

Look, I know there’s an argument to be made—that the running backs named were less dependent on finesse and speed than our hero. And that’s true. But the fact of the matter remains, even if Charles fails to recapture the entirety of his abilities, he’s still got a chance to be a very dangerous back.

Here’s the science and math behind all of this, all broken down in one simple equation:

Jamaal Charles at 80% > Thomas Jones at 120%.

There. Now don’t you feel a little better?

A headbutt.

A hug and a kiss.

A cheap (legal) shot.

And that was all she wrote.

Floyd Mayweather (42-0), undefeated, undisputed champion of everything not MMA, knocked out local(ish) boy Victor Ortiz (29-3-2) in the fourth round of Saturday night’s battle in Las Vegas. The hook he threw that connected solidly with Ortiz’s chin was about as hard of a punch as Mayweather throws—but it didn’t come without controversy.

After a fairly intentional looking Ortiz head-butt, an awkward apology where Ortiz kissed and hugged Mayweather (?), and a separation, Ortiz left his hands at his side, waiting for the ref’s signal. Unaware that all was a-go, he took a shot to the mouth and went down like a whore on prom night.

And that’s too bad, really.

Ortiz is a real-life Rocky. An underdog kid with a less than stellar upbringing that would make Sally Struthers cringe. He grew up in Garden City, KS, the product of a mother who left the family when he was seven and an abusive, alcoholic father who mercifully checked out not too long after. He spent the rest of his childhood in foster families before discovering his outlet and winning the Golden Gloves.

Mayweather is the brash, unblemished asshole with impeccable defense, amazing stamina and enough arrogance to make Ali blush.

It was pretty clear who should have won this bout, at least in the court of public opinion.

But unfortunately, Ortiz’s inexperience—why was your guard down, kid?—ultimately corrupted his efforts. He was losing, he made a very illegal head butt and he ended up taking a very legal punch.

So where do they go from here?

Well, Ortiz is young. A loss to ‘Money’ Mayweather is nothing to be embarrassed about. He’ll continue to fight and will undoubtedly see more success down the road. Unfortunately, no challenge is likely to be as big as the one he had Saturday under the hot Las Vegas sun. This may have been a once in a lifetime shot at eternal notoriety and he blew it by getting frustrated.

Mayweather, everyone’s favorite love-to-hate boxing personality, will continue to dodge Manny Pacquiao, the only person who really poses any tangible threat. To Mayweather, his untarnished record is his legacy… but he’s failing to realize that until he faces off with his greatest competition, he’ll never join the pantheon of great pugilists.

And that’s a shame.

The ship done sank before it left the dock…

Everything that you need to know happened in the first drive. Back to back 15-yard penalties against the Chiefs. A fumbled interception by Jon ‘Yee-haw’ McGraw. Our newly minted $50 million dollar man getting blasted for a touchdown.

The summation of the game reads like some sort of Kafkaesque nightmare crafted specifically to cost a head coach his job. Six turnovers. An anemic offense. A porous defense. Eight penalties for 70 yards to their 4/35. You’re never going to win this game on the road. EVER. You’re rarely going to pull this kind of thing off at home.

And perhaps the biggest blow of all was the injury to Jamaal Charles. Look, almost nobody in their right mind thought that the Chiefs would be winning the division this year, but strident optimists thought that maybe they’d be able to crap out 8 or 9 wins. If Charles is out for any extended period of time, however, all bets are off. It will mean that they’ve firmly planted themselves in the Andrew Luck sweepstakes, though.

Elsewhere:

On Saturday night, the Royals made it 7 in a row.

When was the last time the boys in blue won seven in a row? September of 2008. You know, when Eric Hosmer was sweating his way through Hop on Pop. It’s a crying shame that they can’t pull this off in July when it actually matters. Rookie Everett Teaford had a second consecutive start brimming with encouragement. Moose homered. So did Frenchy.

Hell yes, boys, taste that sweet nectar of success. Live it, love it, hopefully find it early and often in ’12.

*******

Kansas is a fluke, and they proved it handily on Saturday by getting curb-stomped,  66-24.

They gave up more yards than anyone ever in the history of yardage (as far as a I can tell; I didn’t bother to consult the record books). 10th straight overall road loss for the Hawks, 768 total yards allowed. Good luck with that fellas.

If you’re playing the Leathernecks of the Football Championship Subdivision, greatness is anticipated. The Missouri Tigers fulfilled that prophecy by trouncing Western Illinois 69-0. Though Mizzou set a team record with 744 yards of total offense, let’s go ahead and not pencil in similar results for next week’s game with top-ranked Oklahoma.

K-State continued their yeoman-like effort with a 37-0 pounding of Kent State. Except it didn’t seem as impressive as the score made it sound. You know, because it was Kent State. Sorry, Wildcats. Oh, and by the way—best of luck next week on the road against Miami. 

*******

This Week’s Winner:

The Corpse of Donovan McNabb. Despite the Vikings loss to the Bucs, he likely staved off the unemployment line for one more week with his blistering 228 yards on 18 of 30 attempts. And yes, it’s fair to call this ‘blistering’ after last week’s 37-yard passing debacle that disguised itself as an effort.

This Week’s Loser:

It’s too time-consuming to lambast the whole Chiefs organization, so we’ll pick on one person in particular. Over his last four games, Matt Cassel is 57-109 for 437 yards, with one solitary touchdown and nine pickoffs. His quarterback rating over this period is ‘negative penis.’