There are literally 1,313,045 things happening in the world of sports right now that are raping my Twitter feed. So while I usually like to spend my opening paragraph waxing poetic about the modern era of “sports and social media; what they mean to you,” I figure we should treat this like Whitney in the bathtub and dive right in.
First up, Denver, Colorado, best known for their… shit, I don’t know… cheeseburgers? (Seriously—is Denver known for anything other than mountains and John Elway? Help me out here) Anyway, Denver, best known for their stuff, made waves like… Whitney slipping quietly into the bathtub? by signing Jesus H. Manning and then trading Jesus H. Tebow (or did they?! dun-dun-DUN) to the Jets.
Local radio personality/aspiring Mensa member Bob Fescoe watched the press conference and had this to say:
@bobfescoe (610 am)
“Peyton has a huge forehead”
“John Elway looks like the team mascot”
Brilliant, Bob, just… brilliant.
But seriously folks: SO. WHAT. According to multiple sources, the Chiefs were never on Peyton’s radar, he wouldn’t give Pioli the time of day, and blah blah blah.
Here’s the deal: if Peyton is healthy—repeat, IF PEYTON IS HEALTHY—he automatically makes the Broncos a much better team. Duh. But—I repeat: BUT—if he’s NOT healthy but tries to be, and gives the Broncos just enough to keep that contract-a-goin’, it could be a miserable couple of years over in the Rockies.
Peyton Manning is no spring chicken. He’s not even a SUMMER chicken at this point. After 14 years in the league (well, 13 played), two major neck surgeries and a whole stew of cumulative bumps and bruises, he’s a goddamned autumnal chicken, and he’s rapidly approaching Denver’s Winter (Chicken) of Discontent. Oh, and he’s played over half of his professional career IN A DOME. Have fun with your… cheeseburgers, Peyton.
So with the arrival of Sir Manning of Indy, Denver had no choice but to jettison the crack-lipped face of their franchise, Timothy Richard Tebow.
@JayGlazer (NFL Dude)
“Breaking news: Ny Jets have just traded a 4th round pick for Tim Tebow”
Holy shit! Can you PICTURE this? A rabid, eclectic New York fan base and the guy who probably closes his eyes and says a silent prayer whenever he sees two gay guys holding hands? This is too much! They’re gonna eat him alive in NY! But wait… what?
“Breaking: A trade between the Denver Broncos and Jacksonville Jaguars for Tim Tebow is imminent. Fourth and Seventh with JAX picking up $$$”
Oh, whatever. I don’t care. Tebow’s going to end up somewhere, and he’ll probably be really, really average for the next several years, and when my grandkids say, “Pep-pep, tell us about Tim Tebow!” I’ll hit them with the switch I made them cut themselves because I’m suffering from dementia and mistakenly arrived at the impression that they were speaking ill of their dear, late Grand-Mammers.
I don’t care about Tim Tebow anymore, frankly. The sooner he lands and the sooner he begins to rot, the sooner we can all get on with our lives.
(This just in: Tebow’s back to the Jets. I give up on this whole, “internet-trade-rumor” thing.)
In other, extremely un-Christlike NFL news, Gregg Williams, Sean Payton and the New Orleans Saints were trying to murder their opponents, and commissioner Roger Goodell was awfully angry about it.
@AdamSchefter (ESPN NFL Insider)
“ Sean Payton suspended one year. Mickey Loomis 8 game and $500,000 fine. Saints fined $500,000 and a second round pick in 2012 and 2012.”
What Schefter failed to note is that Gregg Williams, the former Saints defensive mastermind who orchestrated the whole thing, was severely punished as well. The Excelsior Springs native– only recently hired as the defensive coordinator for the St. Louis Rams– was suspended indefinitely. Goodell stated that his punishment would be reviewed at the conclusion of the upcoming season.
I said it before and I’ll say it again: this is all terribly stupid.
Bounty programs started back when Dutch Clark was wearing one of those weird, leather aviator helmets and chucking the pigskin for the Portsmouth Spartans. It’s not new, it’s not shocking and frankly, the whole thing comes across as hypocritical from a league that pushes PLAYER SAFETY! above all else, but would love nothing more than to subject participants to an additional two games each season. You know who else agrees with me? JOE HORN, BITCHES:
@LeeZurick (News anchor, WVUE-TV, New Orleans)
“Former Saint Joe Horn says EVERY NFL team has a program like the Saints bounty program. Says in KC and ATL players were paid for cart offs.”
Former Saint AND former Chief, telling it like it is.
What did noted gun and drug enthusiast Bill Maas have to say?
@BillMaas (Former Kansas City Chief, scoundrel)
“What I am shocked about is that people are acting as though this isn’t common place. PC NFL nice.”
And current KC wide receiver “Stevie Phantom”?
“Defensive players are always going to go hard,there is thousands, even millions of dollars n incentives for sack numbers, that not a bounty?”
Perhaps the best, and most honest take came from former KC defensive great Neil Smith.
@theprogramkc (Soren Petro, 810 am)
“Neil Smith says the bounty thing didnt just start. It happened before he was in the league. On the air now.”
“Neil Smith also calls the one year suspension to Sean Payton "ludicrous"”
“Neil Smith says he doesnt believe bounties will stop. Figures players will just do it on their own.”
1) This series of Tweets reminds me of Jimmy Kimmel doing Karl Malone—“Karl Malone say, no runnin’ by pool with scissor.”
2) I was right, and the NFL (and “Rog”) can suck it. Hard.
Meanwhile, in news that wasn’t football related, but was injury-tinged and terribly discouraging for fans of Kansas City Royals’ baseball, ALL OF THE ROYALS ARE DYING. That’s right, before the first real pitch has been made, before the first bag of errantly thrown peanuts has had a chance to whack you in the side of the head, tendons and ligaments have exploded like the world’s worst fireworks display.
After young-stud/recent-long-term-signee catcher Salvador Perez tore his meniscus, it was announced that he needed surgery and would be out 12-14 months. BRILLIANT SIGNING, DAYTON. Okay, that’s not fair, I’m just a little worked up. This really, really sucks, though. “Salvy,” as he is affectionately known (and can we cut that “y” shit out, already? I know it’s old-school, classic baseball, but so is Ty Cobb stabbing a dude and keeping black people in another league. Enough already), is the catcher of the future and figures to be a key component of any potential “Royals Rise to Prominence.” While this isn’t the end of the world—unless it signals the start of long-term health issues—it would have been nice to see what he could do over a full season. Now, even when he returns he’ll be limited in action for the remainder of ’12. Knowing that something monumental HAD to be done, Moore went out and signed a few dudes.
@goldbergkc (Joel Godberg, Host “Royals Live” FSN)
“Royals acquire C Humberto Quintero & OF Jason Bourgeois from Astros for minor league LHP Kevin Chapman & player to be named.”
Quintero is a veteran with a good glove and a sorrowful bat. Bourgeois is Mitch Maier, but a smidge older. Hardcore baseball geeks were a bit miffed by this, because the departing Royal, Kevin Chapman, is a lefty who throws in the almost-mid nineties. And while those guys don’t come around all that often, it’s quite possible that Chapman would have never turned into more than a setup guy. But still…
Bulldoggy Dog Fescoe– who, according to his bleached tips is still stuck in 1999—thinks that 1999’s AL MVP should have been given a look:
“#royals should have signed pudge instead of making trade”
Eh, tomato/tomotto. It doesn’t really matter. Rodriguez is weak and old, Quintero is just weak. Either would do an adequate job as a stop-gap placeholder until Perez returns, and the Royals can then flip fill-in-the-blank for someone in A-ball and some KFC coupons. I’m not mad about this.
Oh, but that’s not the ONLY Royals injury news, and it’s probably not the biggest. It appears that Joakim Soria maybe, just MAYBE, threw his last pitch for KC.
@Royals_Report (Bob Dutton, KC Star)
“News on #Royals closer Joakim Soria couldn’t be much worse. Another Tommy John surgery is possible.”
The good news is, it’s not official. Yet. The bad? The track record of players successfully returning from a second Tommy John surgery is poor (most statistics point to a 20% success rate). Good thing we’ve got a recently inked former closer who can step right in and fill the role, yes?
@jaysonst (Jayson Stark, ESPN baseball insider)
“One scout in Ariz doesn’t see Broxton as effective Soria replacement: "Not close to what he was..more of a middle-relief guy for me" #royals.”
Oops. Greg Holland it is, then!
Look, if this does indeed spell the end of Soria, that’s too bad. At one time, he was one of the more elite closers in the game. His fluid windup, bevy of pitches and adult braces made him an imposing figure for opposing teams to see late in a game. Anyone who watches the team with any sort of regularity, however, knows that he hasn’t been himself in some time. Perhaps his wild bouts of ineffectiveness through most of 2011 should have been an omen; perhaps the Royals should have moved him when he was at the pinnacle of his value. Regardless, I wish him well. May he follow in his father’s footsteps and finally realize his dream of being a dentist. Seriously. He wanted to be a dentist growing up. Godspeed, Joakim.
Finally in MORE baseball-related injury news, the Detroit Tigers’ Miguel Cabrera took a wicked one-hopper off of the eye socket while trying to learn third base all over again. The video is gruesome. I recommend watching it, though I’d discourage you from eating a giant plate of spaghetti while doing so.
@Buster_ESPN (Buster Olney)
“Miguel Cabrera has a small fracture under his right eye, but they have told him he’ll be out only a couple of weeks. He had eight stitches.”
Miguel Cabrera is a douche. This was Karma. I’m glad his injury wasn’t permanently crippling or debilitating, but I’m not sad about it.
In other Marlins-turned-Tigers (and then turned a bunch of other things) news:
@jcrasnick (Jerry Crasnick ESPN baseball writer)
“Dontrelle Willis is signing a minor league deal with the #Orioles, says a baseball source”
This is just… sad. After signing a 1-year/1-million dollar deal with the Phillies in December of last year, he was released in March. Since being released by the Tigers in 2010, D-Train has spent time with the Arizona Diamondbacks, the Fresno Grizzlies, the Cincinnati Reds, the Philadelphia Phillies, and now the Orioles. At one point in time, Willis was one of my favorite pitchers. He was a hot, tornadic mess of gigantic teeth and corkscrew limbs, all topped off with a flat-billed hat. I thought so highly of him that I started a Myspace group in his honor (remember Myspace? Remember “groups” on Myspace? Whoa.) But time waits for no quirky pitcher, and as surely as the sun rises, we also know that it sets. Move along, Dontrelle, for the sake of your legacy.
In other retirement news, a hard-nosed great called it a day in the NFL:
@Jon_Baldwin (Chiefs Wide Receiver)
“S/o to Hines Ward who retired today Class Act stand up guy! Must respect for him and all he has accomplished in his career.”
I completely agree with Jon Baldwin. Unless you were an opposing team’s defenseless defensive back who just got the shit blocked out of you, Ward was fun to watch.
And the Chiefs welcomed fresh faces:
@Leabonics (Todd Leabo, 810 am)
“Brady Quinn says the #chiefs told him Cassel is the starter, but he will have a chance to compete”
Sam from Quantum Leap: Oh, boy.
“Eric Winston says Chiefs weren’t even on his radar. Says he fell in love with the city because of fans. I’m sure the $22 millon helped!”
No, Jack… it was your sexy, sexy flattop.
Yeah, so what about the Chiefs’ best offseason acquisition, former collegiate All American/Houston Texans’ tackle Eric Winston? What say you, Eric?
“Hello Kansas City! Anyone know where some good neighborhoods to live in?”
@karenkornacki (KMBC Sports Monster)
“@ericwinston welcome. we are so happy to have you in k-c. lots of great places to live.”
Eric: DO NOT LISTEN TO ANYTHING KAREN KORNACKI SAYS. HER CLOWN-PAINT WILL DEVOUR YOUR SOUL.