Paul Wilson: How’s Your Scrotum Hangin’, Gentlemen?

Last week I was reading Cosmo

How about that for getting things going with a bang? All because your well-coiffed scribe needs to stay up with the most current trends. Anyway, I came across something that left me a little weak.

For years, men have been getting an increasing number of cosmetic procedures. A number that’s risen 355% from 2000 to 2015 – face lifts, alterations, Botox, all the standard fare. But just when you thought you’d heard it all….

Men have begun injecting Botox……into their scrotums.

I’ll give you a few seconds to catch your breath and remove your hands from your package.

Cosmo reports that “The procedure is called ‘Scrotox,’ a term made famous by a 2010 Saturday Night Live sketch.”

“Scrotox mimics the effect of a warm day: the balls appear lower and look smoother with fewer wrinkles.”

It was then I recalled how many times I’d thought, “I sure wish my testicles were hanging like they do on a warm day!” (said no one ever…)

The focus of the piece was a 29-year-old doctor who said that for he and his girlfriend – also a doctor – the determining factor was that Scrotox made his balls hang lower and looser, allowing for better contact with her skin during sex. Within a week, he felt his scrotum was more relaxed than before.

And as we all know, a relaxed scrotum is a happy scrotum.

We watched Kenny Rogers undergo procedures that left him looking like Joan Rivers and Wayne Newton looking like at 75-year-old lesbian. But nowhere has the cultural and self-imposed pressure been greater than on women today.

Whether it’s the Kardashian factor or pure vanity, it’s getting out of hand and happening and increasingly younger ages. Two weeks ago, 25-year-old single mom of a 1-year-old, Ranika Hall, flew from Kansas City to a Florida clinic to have a Brazilian Butt Lift (BBL) performed.

For those of you who don’t know how this procedure works, a doctor uses liposuction to remove fat from other areas of the body, most often the stomach, hips and thighs. That fat is then injected into the patient to improve the appearance, lift and contour of the butt. It’s risky and has proven fatal on more than a few occasions.

In Hall’s case, she lapsed into unconsciousness, stopped breathing and died. 

She risked her life for a $3,000 procedure to make her butt look better.

I didn’t know her personally, but you’d have to think there were a million other ways that money could have been put to more effective use.

Hall’s mother, Nicole, created a GoFundMe page to pay for Hall’s funeral and expenses as the family could not even afford to bring her body back to KC. To put the whole picture in context, with no additional commentary, I’ve included the GoFundMe plea, exactly as written;

”My beautiful daughter went to miami,Fl to have a high profile procedure done which was take her fatty tissue out her stomach and placed elsewhere.My baby left wednesday 3/15/17 perfectly fine and healthy which was the last time i talked to her and seen her.Her procedure was schedule for 3/16/17 at 1:30 Miami time she sent a text at 11:40 thursday morning letting ys no it was about that time.Never knew that would be the last time i would hear from her.She has a beautiful 1yr old daughter that i need to bring her body back for a proper burial.If you can donate anything please please do so.Thank you”

To date, the page has raised over $10,000.00 from 200 donors.

Culture speaks loudly when the size of a rear end is more important than the gray matter between the ears. Where were this single mom’s priorities? Why did she feel this was what she needed, a year after giving birth? And what for? To get back in the game and do it all over again?

What has happened to our values and self-image? I know a doctor in KC who treats herself to a cosmetic procedure each year for her birthday and it already looks like it took a million dollars to build her.

Is it considered a WIN if you need a casket shaped like a cello? 

Worst of all, not too many years from today a child is going to ask, “What happened to my mom?” and some adult is going to have to explain the story to her.

Will that answer make her child understand why her mom is no longer with her? And what’s the ultimate price of that decision going to be, in the end?

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16 Responses to Paul Wilson: How’s Your Scrotum Hangin’, Gentlemen?

  1. Stomper says:

    Wow, you really did write a piece about scrotums.

    Started out like a comedy piece but turned serious and sad real quick once you mentioned Ranika Hall. We humans are a vain breed, sometimes with very misplaced priorities.

    Thanks Paul. That’s three straight quality pieces. You da man !!

    • paulwilsonkc says:

      Stomper, I never, ever kid about a scrotum. That’s serious stuff. Thanks, as usual, for your too kind comments…

  2. chuck says:

    This story just made me feel old Paul. It’s a good thing.

    I can remember when we grade school urchins were obsessed with whether or not little Suzy was wearing “Falsies” and the sight of a bra strap would send us into a swoon. Now, Hottentot Haute is Hot.

    This quest for physical perfection, has passed us oldsters by, thank God. If I was young and had to chase down these scientifically modified babes in order to quench the fires of carnal concupiscence and the requirements were just huge garbonzas that would be ok. But it’s not. You know it, I know it, we all know it. Pretty soon, the coconuts won’t be enough and guys will be surgically enhancing the old Hang Down.

    Now, the metaphor regarding “Who Has The Biggest Dick”, relates to buying a Sports Car.

    No more. Young men will have to take a month off of work, go get estimates, look at the BBB for references, not to mention checking out newly acquired “enhancements” of their peers and adversaries in order to calculate risk-reward and cash outlay when pricing out that brand new, top of the line, “Tommy Lee 14 Foot Harpoon” that comes with casters, an elevator and a waiting room. Financing available.

    I suppose it is better than a College Degree from Fascist University and probably cheaper.

    It’s a sign of the apocalypse. Really.

    I read that Khloe Kardashian is over 6 feet tall. Have you seen the landing gear on that Amazon? you could film the sequel to “Lawrence Of Arabia” on that baby. Seriously, I think Prester John is in their somewhere. The Lost City Of “Z”. Jimmy Hoffa. Ok, I will stop…

    As for Ranika’s tragic end (Smirk, get it? “end”), I can only say, that in my heart, I believe, this was a taxpayer funded search fro perfection. If no one can afford to fly the body home, then where did the money come for the operation? As such is no doubt the case, I suppose that we should all just hope that Obama Care remains the Law Of The Land and we can distribute the cost accordingly amongst those of us still under the yoke. If we all have to pay for Chelsea Manning, then why not Ranika?

    Guys now days had better plan ahead, or, just resign themselves to waking up in bed with Chaz Bono.

    • paulwilsonkc says:

      Thanks, Chuck, that was a funny piece or writing. I thank God daily for being devastatingly hot at 62.
      I have a t shirt that was given to me. It says,

      All Original Parts

      You don’t mess with perfection.

      • chuck says:

        They are selling my t shirts at Sanford and Sons, with antediluvian references.

        By the way, $10,000.00 just to transport that chick home?

        Man, she must have been dressing out at about 5 bills even before the surgery.

        The chick was “galactic” already.

        (Insert your own “Dark Matter” joke here.)

        • paulwilsonkc says:

          Transport would have been $2-300 bucks. Moms reaching out for full on, top of the line funeral expenses.
          The story shows where priorities are. Family has nothing. Reread the cut and paste of the GFM plea.
          These clinics do this on payment plans if need be. So at 25, one year old daughter, this seems like a toss of decision – $75/month to make my butt desirable, or get a 56″ flat screen from Rent-a-Center?
          It’s more sad that we can imagine.
          And in the scheme of things, the family is too destitute to retrieve her body….
          Food for thought.

  3. Nick says:

    Talk about first world “problems.”

    Give it some time, gentlemen; age accomplishs what Botox mimics.

  4. Jim a.k.a. BWH says:

    PW, took some balls to write that article. Can’t really say it is my bag. The editor should have sacked this article before it got started. OK, I’ll stop.

    A bit of a non sequitur, but I thought I would share a true story that is sort of in the same vein. (OK, I promise I’ll stop)

    Several years ago, I went in for my annual physical as those of us in the 50+ age group do. After finishing up, the doc and I were having a chat and he asked if there were any other issues that I was concerned about. Well, I said, I’ve been having a few pains down in the berries that kind of come and go. he asked if it felt like someone was squeezing or pinching them. Yes, exactly I said. After giving them a second check/feel, he wanted me to go down the hall to the imaging lab for a sonogram. I know what a sonogram is, but wasn’t sure how that whole procedure was going to play out.

    I was in the waiting room of the imaging lab and the door opened to the lab and this absolutely stunning creation looks around the door and said, “Jim?” I looked straight up to the sky and mumbled, “Oh, you have got to be kidding.” I’m talking Playboy Miss October type of looks. A woman poets write about and artists dream of painting. THAT kind of beauty.

    I think, OK she is going to take me back to a room and then Helga the East German immigrant is going to perform the procedure. I’d be OK with that. She asked me to disrobe, lay on the table and put the sheet over me before she left. Moments late, she returns and takes a seat next to me and pulls out the bottle of pre-warmed gel. Up comes the sheet and the gel is applied. Whew. Steady boy.

    During the entire procedure, I stared directly at the ceiling and mentally repeated, “Dead baby rabbits. Dead baby rabbits. Dead baby rabbits.”

    Long story short, everything was all good with the “boys”. What went unrecognized by the rest of the world was this was the greatest example of self-control and mind-over-matter in history. Period.

    Rack ’em!

    • paulwilsonkc says:

      I have to think long and hard before I actually reply to this comment.
      In the mean time, a simple thank you will have to suffice.

    • Phaedrus says:

      It could be a sign of self-control…or maybe on your next visit you should ask your doctor about ED… 😀

      • paulwilsonkc says:

        Phaedrus, I have seen the doctor, and he has seen me. (name that movie)

        • admin says:

          And if Sir Paul hadn’t shaved off most of his mane recently, he could be writing about “man buns” firsthand!

  5. Libertarian says:

    Priorities. We all have them.

    My top priority from day to day is to succeed, even if all I succeed at some days is survival.

    For my entire life, I’ve been told by several ladies that I have a well-sculpted ass, so I see no “high profile” procedures in my future.

    Haircuts however, have become so expensive that I will be setting up a go-fund-me for my next one.

    Stay tuned……

    [That was a worthy read, Paul. The comments you generate are some of the best!]

    • paulwilsonkc says:

      Thanks, Lib. I don’t get the cosmetic thing. Since I left the professional body building circuit, I’ve been happy to leave the fame, popularity and asjulation of the masses behind me.
      But being your well coiffed scribe, I share your hair concerns. My hair, like Fabio, is part of my image. I’m going to share my secret with you. It may look like a steep investment, but at $149.00 the Flowbee is a great investment. Five hair cuts, you’re in the black and on your own schedule. Thanks for your comments; like FOX 4 News, I’m here for you.

      • admin says:

        I faintly recall that George Brett somewhat famously had and used a Flowbee…which seemed kinda lame at the time.

        But after all those hearing aid ads and his hemorrhoid episode, what’s left to embarrass the Hall of Famer?

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