Christmas: a wondrous, magical time of year when people of all races, religions and sizes come together as one to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, president of Christians and the lord/savior…
But if you’re anything like most Americans, you’re out of work and living in a tent city near a river. (Or at best, you’re under-compensated and swimming in debt.)
So if you’re struggling, how do you make Christmas fun and giftful? By doing what people have been doing for centuries: finding shit on Craigslist.
Don’t worry, I’ll help.
For the Foodie in Your Life:
Free food (Raytown)
“Medium box of food Free a few canned goods a few boxes goods some noodles and a bag of onions and cherries a couple boxes of cereal “
We all know one, don’t we? Someone who rants and raves about how “non-GMO, organically raised, cage-free, farm-to-table, sustainable and hormonally anti-biotic food is the only thing I’ll put in my body,” right? Well, shut them the fuck up with this grab bad of goodness! Who doesn’t love “some noodles!” or “a bag of onions!”? Nothing says “Merry Christmas” like a box of scary, free food from Raytown.
For Your Boss:
“GREAT LEARNING TOOL”
If there’s one thing bosses are known for, it’s their love of golf. If there’s ANOTHER thing they’re known for, it’s their love of periodicals. Kill two birds with one stone by giving them a big ass stack of someone else’s magazines about golf. What’s that smell, you’re asking? Oh, PROBABLY JUST A RAISE! Lol.
For Your Half-Brother:
Partial Bicycle in Lees Summit (Lees Summit)
“Free Partial Bicycle”
This seems pretty self explanatory. If they’re only half related, they only get half a bicycle. Duh.
For Your Wife:
Free cleaning supplies (Gardner)
“Assorted cleaning supplies some are used but most are full/ mostly full.”
If there’s one thing I know about wives, it’s that the LOVE to clean, but the weirdest thing is, you always seem to go through cleaning supplies at an unbelievable rate. Like, you JUST bought Swiffer refills YESTERDAY and how the fuck are they already empty? You didn’t even see her using the Swiffer, man! Anyway, this is a very practical, very thoughtful gift that will probably end up getting you laid. (Or divorced.)
For Your Friend Chris Who Drives a Mazda 3 But Got His Stereo Stolen:
Mazda 3 radio (wellsville)
“Free and it works. would be good for parts. Missing one button”
You know, this really only works if you have a friend who drives a Mazda 3 with a missing radio.
For the Friend Who Likes Unique Furniture and Only Has Half-an-Ass:
Unique rocking chair-needs new cushion
“Unique rocking chair-needs new cushion”
This is kinda like the Mazda 3 radio thing, but for people you know who like unique furniture and have half-an-ass. (Bonus points to this poster for just copy-pasting the title to the body of the ad. That’s what I call efficiency.)
For Your Grandpa:
Christmas tree stands (2) (127th & Antioch, OP, KS)
“Looking to give these tree stands to a good home(s). They work fine, I just no longer need them.
Come take them and If you care (not obligated) to make a donation of few cans of food or boxes of cereal for my church food drive, I would gladly accept you contribution.
I will take this post down when they are gone.”
It’s like the old cliché, “grandparents always have at least two Christmas trees, but they never have enough stands.” Well, NOT ANY MORE! Give your pee-paw the ability to fully unleash the potential of his trees by granting him the means to stand them up! No more climbing over trees lying on the ground when you go over to visit, those motherfuckers will be UPRIGHT and radiant.
For the World Traveler:
Free luggage (Olathe)
“Free American Tourister suitcases great condition “
This is some straight-up motherfucking Golden Girls looking shit right here. I bet this shit was HOT in like, 1988.
For the Special Little Girld in Your Life:
Toys n books for girld
“I have a box with Toy it is mostly kids girls books Barbies I have no clue to what all is in there they are free I’m in Harrisonville Missouri come get the whole box.”
Show your ddaughter how much she means to you by giving her a big-ass, random box of shit. Is she into flip-flop, Frankenstein books and creepy naked dolls? Even better.
For Your Mom:
Sofa Sleeper Couch (Gardner)
“Is not in the best shape but does pull out into a bed. Must pick up in Gardner. Free.”
OK, so maybe you should only give this sleeper couch to your mom if you don’t like her. Because seriously, look at this piece of shit. Clearly some drunk passed out on it with a lit cigarette and burned the hell out of the cushion. Nobody should ever have to sit on this thing ever again, but, well, here we are.
For Your Dog:
3 Frisbee’s (Olathe)
“If your dogs likes frisbee’s, and you would like these email me and they are yours. Please pick up in Olathe Thanks”
Human life is a fragile, fleeting condition, built on a landscape of terminal disappointment atop a bedrock of insidious chaos. We believe in fate and a greater purpose, a higher power puppeteering our existence perhaps. But this is a narcissistic, fanciful notion; for one moment, we are perusing Craigslist for free Christmas gifts, and in the next, we are being stabbed to death in Olathe before being buried in an unfinished basement, all for trying to pick up “Frisbee’s” for our dog.
Happy Christmas, KCC!