Leftridge: Things to Avoid This Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving_The-First-Thanksgiving_cph.3g04961-EThanksgiving is approaching this Thursday and there’s nothing we can do about it…

Like a particularly virulent strain of the Asian flu, it thrusts itself upon us annually whether we’re cool with it or not. No one is immune. And since it cannot be defeated, we can only hope to survive.

Submitted for your approval, here are my thoughts on things to stay away from, should you too wish to avoid the pestilence.

The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade

This used to be cool when it was all just giant, inflatable cartoon characters you knew like Beetle Bailey and Mary Worth, but now every other float is a 14-year-old Disney star you’ve never heard of singing something sugary and shitty about texting at the mall, and the helium-filled demigods are “beloved” characters like “Powerpuff Girls” and “Some Japanese Character Your Creepy Nephew Knows.” Unless you’re a pedophile, The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade should be avoided at all cost.

peanuts-thanksgivingCharlie Brown Thanksgiving

Charlie B’s. Christmas and the Great Pumpkin are okay (though I could make the argument that what you really know and love and remember are the Vince Guaraldi scores), but the Thanksgiving episode is pretty much garbage. For some reason, yet again, a bunch of elementary aged children are in a world without adults, and this time, they have to cook and host a standard Thanksgiving feast.

Holy shit is this dumb.

Instead of burning themselves alive—which is what would actually happen—they realize that Thanksgiving isn’t about turkey, but instead, about the fellowship that accompanies it.

Fuck that. This cartoon is terrible.

Football

Thanksgiving football is the worst. Seriously. The Detroit Lions are good once a decade, and this isn’t that once. They’re abysmal. And they’re hosting the Philadelphia Eagles who are also extra shitty this season. If that wasn’t bad enough, the Dallas Cowboys host the Carolina Panthers in the afternoon game. The Panthers are good, but the Cowboys are clown vomit. And, oh sure, Tony Romo will probably be back, but they’ll still be bad and this game will be terrible. (I guess Chicago at Green Bay could be pretty good in the nightcap, though. The Bears have been playing better than they were earlier in the season and the Packers aren’t as invincible as they have been in the past. So maybe this one is worth watching.)

Plaza Lighting

Unless you’re interested in being continuously elbowed by entitled suburban dickbags, or worse yet, knifed and/or robbed by urban miscreants, stay the fuck away. The Plaza Lighting ceremony is fun once, when you’re an eight-year-old. After that, it’s an exercise in abject restraint. Oh, and terrorists could always show up and totally ruin everything because Donald Trump isn’t in charge yet, nor will he be there with a handgun ready to save everyone, RIGHT CONSERVATIVE READERSHIP?!??!?????

500Turkey

According to the CDC, salmonella sickens 1,000,000 people per year, resulting in the hospitalization of 19,000 and THE DEATHS OF 380. How easy is it to undercook a 20-pound bird, I wonder? Oh, THAT’S RIGHT: RIDICULOUSLY EASY. So unless you’re a vegetarian or someone who bought a professionally prepared meal from trained chefs, ENJOY YOUR VIRUS, FOLKS. Like the CDC says, “People with diarrhea due to a Salmonella infection usually recover completely, although it may be several months before their bowel habits are entirely normal.” SEVERAL MONTHS!!!

You know, OR YOU MIGHT DIE.

That too.

Your family

Look, I know we’re all supposed to abide by the belief that nothing is more important than family, but that is an animalistic, uneducated and antiquated notion. We cannot choose our family; they are forced upon us like Valu-Pak coupon mailings or pubic lice at a discount whorehouse.

There is no better evidence of this than Thanksgiving dinner.

The whole place is teeming with the worst people in the world—people you’d never actually CHOOSE to hang out with: casually racist uncles, secretly racist aunts, nieces and nephews snapchatting their way straight to hell, alcoholic parents who hate their lives and the lives of those around them, and a gaggle of cousins from Ohio who you see once a year but are basically complete and utter strangers.

But oh, hey, wait!

You get to eat a forced meal with these fuck-ups! HOORAY! Don’t forget to tell Aunt Shirley how delightful her green bean casserole is! (The secret ingredient is decades of resignation and the secret that she sired your cousin Lindsey with the Mexican handyman who installed new gutters.)

Anyway, happy Thanksgiving, KCC!

http://www.mb-kc.com/
This entry was posted in Brandon Leftridge and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

33 Responses to Leftridge: Things to Avoid This Thanksgiving

  1. shim sham man says:

    I’m not sure you need medication as much as a noose, a car’s tailpipe, or a shotgun. You’re obviously at a low point, or pretending to be to bring others down, so why wait? Act now! Be the change you want to see in the world, start now by decreasing overpopulation.

  2. Super Dave says:

    This story smells like a Glazer story. Come on Brandon, you are much better writer than this. Only one funny line when your stories are as a rule full of them. Stick to humor, sarcasm isn’t your forte.

    • Tony says:

      How dare you comment on KCC. Get back to my basement and on your knees like usual. I’m missing my fat little lover boy.

      • Don't Call Me says:

        This site is starting to suck like TKC, even the comments are as nasty.

        • paulwilsonkc says:

          Don’t Call Me, that’s what you get when Tony’s regulars, who claim to hate this site and everyone on it, come over to spread a little of their ignorance on KCC. They forget to change from their usual racist, vile spewfest and act a little different if they post here.
          Hence, you get what you get. Its not about KCC, its about the comments they bring. With rare exception, this is a pretty clean place to comment.
          But when your life sucks and you have your head in a toilet all day, you have to make fun of other people, their wives or anything good just to make yourself feel less a nobody. Because if that’s your lot in the life, the whole world looks like a big, smelly turd. Im sure you understand, its the old saying, If you’re a hammer, the whole world looks like a nail.
          Well, Daves a plunger.
          So, I’ll apologize on behalf of KCC. Maybe someone will flush real hard and it’ll go away.

          • Morgan LaCruex says:

            Geesus this site in the end is worse then TKC. Over there you can expect some of the comments as it makes no bones about regulated speech. Here the authors are the trolls feeding the frenzy like chum to sharks. Wilson i’ve read some of your stories and for the most part entertaining but your obsessiveness over what happens on TKC is pathetic. As I stated in a past comment you seem to know who makes such comments and you yourself have done nothing about them. You have not confronted anyone instead hiding behind lawyers and bravado. This tells me you know nothing or as cowardly as those you claim to hate. YOU POST ON THE F’N INTERNET FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. If you take this SH!T serious you are going to live a very miserable life and deservedly so. You clearly cannot take the heat instead you choose to feed the trolls. GET OVER YOURSELF as you look as pathetic as every anonymous comment on TKC.

          • Toilet Plunger says:

            Shut up StupudDave and keep your hands off me!

          • Don't Call Me says:

            Paul Wilson, what is it you are carrying on about? If anyone is showing any ignorance it is you and only you. If the Dave you are talking about is Super Dave, then you have gone on a huge rant that means nothing to me since my comment had nothing to do with what they said. My comment was directed towards the comment, which was supposed to be made by a Tony who I doubt it even was. The only hate I have seen here is from you. What I find even more interesting here this afternoon, is the fact that you made this vile verbal attack on a person within mere minutes of another equally vile attack of what appears to be the same person on another website. You demonstrate very clearly here that you loath to no extent that other website. What made that click in my mind is that it appears I’m not the only one to possibly have that thought or put two and two together. There appears to me to be enough proof that you are either this Harley person or are acting like this Harley person in an attempt to stir the hate pot and making numerous hateful posts in both places. That makes you a very scary person to say the least if in fact this is true and I think it is. The flip side of the coin maybe is that you and Harley both are playing a game here to satisfy whatever sick notions your minds may have.

            If this site is as clean as you would like to portray it as being, then your post and who ever made that Tony post both should have been removed. But I noticed that neither one was. If the so called Tony post had been removed and I not seen it, I would have not made any comment at all. So from that I am inclined to think you and the administrator of this site know who made that post and left it up hoping to as I have pointed out to stir the pot and satisfy your out of control self hatred of others. It appears from another post on here I am not the only one to see your issues.

          • Toilet Plunger says:

            Don’t call, Morgan, StupidDave, you have an email from me directly, telling you I’m fair game but to lay off the vile commebts about my wife or family in any way. You were confronted directly. No bravado, no nothing. You were also warned what would happen if you didn’t.
            FYI – I’ve posted three times on TKC, each time under my name with a picture. I also posted my contact info for anyone who wanted to voice those foul remarks to my face. You call that hiding behind attorneys or bravado? You cowards hit and run. I posted my email and cell ASKING each of you low life’s to give that a shot to my face.
            IF I EVER POST on TKC, it will be under my name, like the ONLY THREE TIMES I HAVE AIN DEFENSE of vile, filthy comments from cowards like you. Prove otherwise or STFU.
            Am I clear?

          • Morgan LaCruex says:

            Geesus Wilson your an idiot. I can assure you i am not SuperDave. I’m someone that has been on the internet for over a decade. You post here then EVERYTHING about you is up for comment or insult. EVERYTHING. And since you clearly can’t handle that you need a new hobby.

  3. 2Scene2 says:

    I don’t know why everyone so whiny. I thought this was funny as hell.

  4. HARLEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! says:

    unfortunately…you live a very tough life Brandon.
    1. the kids love the parades and they love watching them. Your statement
    about pedophiles and therest of the insults about today’s kids is totally uncalled
    for. Why the bad disposition?
    2. Plaza lighting: You only keep the lies about the plaza going with your
    “bad element” comments. We’ve been down there probably 40 times and
    never encountered a single incident. Its a great way to kick off the
    season and the kids love it…so why the bad disposition and everyones
    in a great mood which is hard to find these days.
    3/ Footbball: Its a tradition watching football. This isn’t the first year that
    bad teams have been featured but what the heck we love football and
    it’s better than you watching the marathon of Family Fued reruns!
    4. Turkey: love turkey…especially with all the potatoes and pumpkin pie.
    What better type of day is there where your worries dissipate…you sleep late…
    you can actually relax on a Thursday and then eat your brain out and still get
    three days to work it out of your system before the real parties start!
    5. How sad about your family. I love everyone in my family. And its a huge
    family. And this year we’re celebrating the birth of 3 new cousins. You on the
    other hand have to suffer with your family of drunks…racists (are you sure you’re
    not going to chucks house for thanksgiving?) ….nieces and nephews you can’t stand.
    What a terrible way to go thru life. We’ll be laughing…joking…tell stories…seeing
    family from all over the nation who come in for the holiday…having a few toddies
    and later on a few tokes…and we’ll not want the night to end…and it usually
    doesn’t til about 3am.
    Sorry for your situation. But we don’t get to choose our relative. I guess Harley
    just is the luckiest guy on earth to have such an incredible loving family that’s
    a blast to be with.
    Enjoy life lefty…we’re not all on here forever….and have a happy thanksgiving!

  5. Kerouac says:

    “Things to Avoid This Thanksgiving”

    – extra helpings: Kerouac likes turkey (once a year, then hates it and himself the next 365 days.) By the time Thanksgiving and its aftermath, leftovers evanesce day 2 or 3 (your appetite may vary), am regretting the annual over-indulgence.

    Alas, like an true glutton for punishment (tantamount long-suffering swiss chiefs fans), return dinner table next year get lathered, hosed, mashed and separated from reason once again… pass the taters.

    🙂

  6. Lydia says:

    Sadly, I tend to agree.

  7. Guy Who Says What Others Think says:

    Also avoid anything written by this guy. What a dickwad.

  8. Marcus Webb says:

    Man, why y’all so butt-hurt? Was it the Trump thing? Y’all need to calm down. Dude was clearly joking and y’all act like he slapped ya grandma. Bunch of humorless people up in here.

  9. miket. says:

    who thought this was written by craig? no, this is clearly brandon’s. and whilst not up to his usual standards perhaps, still some funny stuff. i imagine he bashed this out so he can continue researching for his “A Craigslist Christmas Special” — so much to choose from, so little time.

  10. Mary says:

    I’m with 2Scene and Marcus…this was well written, lots of truth and funny as hell.
    Why so grouchy?

  11. Dwight Sutherland,Jr. says:

    A hat-tip to a master humorist! A satirical tour de force,totally tongue in cheek,with that local spin that makes it particularly funny for the KCC readership. Not since Whitney Terrill’s send up of the Plaza Lighting ceremony in ‘The King Of Kings’s County’have I read anything so pitch perfect.

    • HARLEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! says:

      AND this guy is an expert in English literature….must have some family
      issues I guess.
      Money aint everything!

  12. Nick says:

    Concur with the overall funny stuff…with one exception:

    Like a particularly virulent strain of the Asian flu, it thrusts itself upon us annually whether we’re cool with it or not.”

    Probably should read…

    Like your grandma’s overly familiar Chihuahua, it thrusts itself upon us annually whether we’re cool with it or not.”

  13. Jack Springer says:

    I avoid ‘green bean casserole’ — the nastiest food ever invented. Ruining green beans with slime from a can just doesn’t make sense to me.

    • miket. says:

      try velveeta… yellowish, sticky slime much tastier than beige, runny slime.

      • Brandon Leftridge says:

        This year, I’m adding fresh mushrooms sautéed in garlic and butter, sour cream, and finely diced, sautéed honey ham. We’ll see how it goes.

  14. admin says:

    I’m with Dwight!

Comments are closed.