Like a particularly virulent strain of the Asian flu, it thrusts itself upon us annually whether we’re cool with it or not. No one is immune. And since it cannot be defeated, we can only hope to survive.
Submitted for your approval, here are my thoughts on things to stay away from, should you too wish to avoid the pestilence.
The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade
This used to be cool when it was all just giant, inflatable cartoon characters you knew like Beetle Bailey and Mary Worth, but now every other float is a 14-year-old Disney star you’ve never heard of singing something sugary and shitty about texting at the mall, and the helium-filled demigods are “beloved” characters like “Powerpuff Girls” and “Some Japanese Character Your Creepy Nephew Knows.” Unless you’re a pedophile, The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade should be avoided at all cost.
Charlie B’s. Christmas and the Great Pumpkin are okay (though I could make the argument that what you really know and love and remember are the Vince Guaraldi scores), but the Thanksgiving episode is pretty much garbage. For some reason, yet again, a bunch of elementary aged children are in a world without adults, and this time, they have to cook and host a standard Thanksgiving feast.
Holy shit is this dumb.
Instead of burning themselves alive—which is what would actually happen—they realize that Thanksgiving isn’t about turkey, but instead, about the fellowship that accompanies it.
Fuck that. This cartoon is terrible.
Thanksgiving football is the worst. Seriously. The Detroit Lions are good once a decade, and this isn’t that once. They’re abysmal. And they’re hosting the Philadelphia Eagles who are also extra shitty this season. If that wasn’t bad enough, the Dallas Cowboys host the Carolina Panthers in the afternoon game. The Panthers are good, but the Cowboys are clown vomit. And, oh sure, Tony Romo will probably be back, but they’ll still be bad and this game will be terrible. (I guess Chicago at Green Bay could be pretty good in the nightcap, though. The Bears have been playing better than they were earlier in the season and the Packers aren’t as invincible as they have been in the past. So maybe this one is worth watching.)
Unless you’re interested in being continuously elbowed by entitled suburban dickbags, or worse yet, knifed and/or robbed by urban miscreants, stay the fuck away. The Plaza Lighting ceremony is fun once, when you’re an eight-year-old. After that, it’s an exercise in abject restraint. Oh, and terrorists could always show up and totally ruin everything because Donald Trump isn’t in charge yet, nor will he be there with a handgun ready to save everyone, RIGHT CONSERVATIVE READERSHIP?!??!?????
According to the CDC, salmonella sickens 1,000,000 people per year, resulting in the hospitalization of 19,000 and THE DEATHS OF 380. How easy is it to undercook a 20-pound bird, I wonder? Oh, THAT’S RIGHT: RIDICULOUSLY EASY. So unless you’re a vegetarian or someone who bought a professionally prepared meal from trained chefs, ENJOY YOUR VIRUS, FOLKS. Like the CDC says, “People with diarrhea due to a Salmonella infection usually recover completely, although it may be several months before their bowel habits are entirely normal.” SEVERAL MONTHS!!!
You know, OR YOU MIGHT DIE.
Look, I know we’re all supposed to abide by the belief that nothing is more important than family, but that is an animalistic, uneducated and antiquated notion. We cannot choose our family; they are forced upon us like Valu-Pak coupon mailings or pubic lice at a discount whorehouse.
There is no better evidence of this than Thanksgiving dinner.
The whole place is teeming with the worst people in the world—people you’d never actually CHOOSE to hang out with: casually racist uncles, secretly racist aunts, nieces and nephews snapchatting their way straight to hell, alcoholic parents who hate their lives and the lives of those around them, and a gaggle of cousins from Ohio who you see once a year but are basically complete and utter strangers.
But oh, hey, wait!
You get to eat a forced meal with these fuck-ups! HOORAY! Don’t forget to tell Aunt Shirley how delightful her green bean casserole is! (The secret ingredient is decades of resignation and the secret that she sired your cousin Lindsey with the Mexican handyman who installed new gutters.)
Anyway, happy Thanksgiving, KCC!