Leftridge: Rousey Ruins Road House

roadhousecoverIt was announced this past week that UFC Women’s superstar Ronda Rousey will be starring as Dalton (though possibly renamed, I’m guessing) in a remake of the 1989 Super Classic Film Road House. As if you didn’t already know, the role was originally and expertly portrayed by the late, great Patrick Swayze.

This is a terrible, horrible idea.

It’s not that I don’t like Rousey; in fact, quite the opposite. Like most people in America, I find her entertaining and beautiful and amazingly badass. In fact, I’d go so far as to suggest that she seems like a legitimately cool person. Furthermore, if she offered to marry me, I would fake my death in a trout fishing accident, move to Sweden, and become her bride-slave, content to spend my days rubbing her feet and my nights preparing her protein-heavy meals of boiled caribou meat and evergreen needles.

Anyway, she’s been in movies before. And although I’ve never seen her act, I’ve heard that she is a perfectly competent actress—surprisingly decent, even.

rousey1But fucking shit, why does anyone feel the need to remake this movie? Road House, for all of its flaws, is perfectly good at being what it is supposed to be: a cornball, schlocky movie about “the world’s best bouncer” who moves to a small town to beat the hell out of the riff-raff and restore order to a bar called The Double Deuce.

I love this movie and it doesn’t need to be remade.

But that’s the thing: Hollywood, apparently, is completely bereft of original ideas. It feels like four out of every five “new” movies is some ridiculous rehash of a film I enjoyed (or hated) as a kid. It’s incredibly lame, and frankly a bit sad.

Why is Hollywood so lousy with recycled horseshit? When did we stop living by the edict that if something isn’t broke, it doesn’t need to be fixed?

Anyway, if Ronda Rousey wants to become a movie star, she should do one of my movies.

And Justice for Al

When data-analytics expert Borlinda Baptiste (Rousey, obviously) returns to her small hometown for Thanksgiving, she is met with terrible news: her sister Al (short for Allie, and I’m thinking she’ll be played by the bosomy middle sister from Modern Family) is struggling with a recent gang-rape at the hands of several redneck townies. Instead of feasting on pumpkin pie, Rousey takes it upon herself to exact a brutal and systematic revenge upon each dick-bag responsible for her sister’s assault. Elements of Last House on the Left and Death Wish, only, you know, with Ronda Rousey.

Ain’t That a Kick in the Head?

After being emasculated during a mugging—and subsequently losing the respect of his fiancée—banker Horace Langer (Paul Rudd) decides to do the only sensible thing: learn karate at a prestigious dojo under Austin’s best sensei. (Character name in the works, played by Ronda Rousey, though.) Will the timid banker become a karate champion and win back his bitch of a fiancée, or will he find truer love wrapped in a cotton gi? (It’s the last one. He and Rousey fall in love.)

Space Fighting

In the year 3055, intergalactic supremacy is determined through one thing, and one thing only: hand-to-hand combat. Does tournament newcomer eXulon 1550Lisa (Rousey, duh) have what it takes to cement Rigel VIII’s status as World’s Most Ultimate Kickass Galaxy? We’ll find out after she fights a space-lion piloting a laser-spaceship (voiced by Jean Claude Van Damme) and some giant-ass purple thing with like, 16 arms. (The Rock in a really expensive alien suit.) This movie will be heavy on the CGI, and light on the imagination. (Because who needs to think when you’ve got CGI punching you up the butt?)

003_Ronda_Rousey.0.0Accidentally Alice

After being killed while backpacking through western Chile by anti-government militants, Scort Hamsley’s (Elliot Gould) three bratty children are left in the custody of his only known, living relative: Aunt Alice (Rousey.) Is this harried Memphis divorce attorney ready for the rigors of parenthood? (Despite a lot of early comedic foibles, yes, it turns out that she is. At least, that’s what happens in this movie. Oh, and she falls in love with The Rock, who maybe plays a widowed judge or something.)

Anyway, Ronda, if you’re reading this, please don’t do Road House. Let me know which project interests you and I’ll start on a script. Thanks!

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25 Responses to Leftridge: Rousey Ruins Road House

  1. Kerouac says:

    Agree re: remakes in general and ‘Road House’ in particular, movies & television. Have seen very few remakes on par with the original, only two that, surprisingly, I felt were better, but that is subjective opine.

    Among those Kerouac personally despises in the way remakes, the 1995 made for tv ‘Vanishing Point’, which, other than use of a 1970 Dodge Challenger same… ‘why’, just WHY? (to be fair, some call the original 1970 existentialist version pointless, but that is in the eye the beholder same as any review, subject personal taste.)

    The 1980’s made for tv remake 1957 film ‘The Defiant Ones’ another effort that comes to mind. The truth is, Hollywood has been remaking originals since the 1920s; a review of films that era affirms; some cases, remakes were being made within five years of the original, the adage ‘nothing new under the sun’ apparently well-worn even then.

    For what it’s worth, a prolixic name-dropping Kerouac apologizes in advance if comes across like that gushing guy KCC, one sporting the 8th letter alp’h’abet first letter his username, who has met everybody in the world and regularly turns what should be a 12 paragraph comment into one long run-on sentence. All to say, met Patrick Swayze.

    As Kerouac would rather talk of originals than knock-offs – and Ronda Rousey might be able to ‘knock off’ Swayze, Kerouac & you – all of us at the same time – Dalton it is.

    Swayze & I were neighbors at his home outside Hollywood, this case in northern New Mexico (I also had occasion meet Julia Roberts, who lived a bit farther north, outside Taos, NM… now I’m bragging 🙂

    Swayze was a quiet guy my experience, one who could be seen (like Roberts) visiting a local Wal-Mart, Patrick’s case often wearing a straw hat (for disguise, I presume.) As reel life does not translate same real, Swayze was actually small in stature (that ‘Road House’ line “I thought you’d be bigger” comes to mind.) Listed as 5’10 170, he was not my opine, but that didn’t stop him from being big on screen & one the ladies liked a lot.

    Though not Alan Ladd small having to stand on a prop, according to a female friend of mine who saw him up close, “he looks like a 12 year old boy”, the magic Hollywood on-screen ‘manipulation’ not on display. That aside, his work in ‘Road House’ and ‘Ghost’ (with Demi Moore, who also lived in NM/more name-dropping & whose late mother lived and worked near where I did northern NM, running a dress shop) memorable, both flicks. So there’s my brush with celebrity, it’s a small world after all, it’s a small, small world.

    • Brandon Leftridge says:

      He always seemed to come across as a pretty genuine, down-to-earth guy. That’s always refreshing.

    • Jim a.k.a. BWH says:

      Interesting stuff, K-Man. Swayze was always one of those guys I just liked. Didn’t seem to take himself too seriously and was a multi-talented guy. His stints on SNL a testament to that. Another decent human that came up on the short end of life’s stick.

  2. Orphan of the Road says:

    Perhaps the only really worthy remake is The Three Godfathers. John Houston did it four times, twice in the silent era. Your experience may differ.

    A remake of the 1960, Queen of the Pirates, would have been a much better move for a remake.

  3. Nick says:

    To claim that Roadhouse is asuper classic is like saying Blues Brother or Ghost Brothers or Star Wars are classics.

    You’re confusing popularly topical films with classics: The Bicycle Thief is a classic, as are Citizen Kane, The Wizard of Oz and The Godfather. Hell, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs is a classic. No, even the original Roadhouse, starring Ida Lupino and Richard Widmark, is closer to being a classic. Swayze’s Roadhouse, on the other hand, is nothing but you typical summer drive-in “B” movie.

    As for “remakes”? Dude, homer complained there was nothing new under the sun; get real.

    • Petula says:

      Homer Simpson said that??

      • Nick says:

        Actually, Homer’s great great great great great great great great great granddad, on his (Greek) mother’s side.

        It explains so much, really.

    • Brandon Leftridge says:

      CLASSIC FILM, NICK. Don’t care what you say.

      • the dude says:

        Total Classic, up there with Big Trouble In Little China and the Rock was to ruin that one too.

      • Nick says:

        Keep on truckin’, dude; it’s a fine day for somethin’…

        • the dude says:

          Like I told my last wife, I says, “Honey, I never drive faster than I can see. Besides that, it’s all in the reflexes.”

        • the dude says:

          When some wild-eyed, eight-foot-tall maniac grabs your neck, taps the back of your favorite head up against the barroom wall, and he looks you crooked in the eye and he asks you if ya paid your dues, you just stare that big sucker right back in the eye, and you remember what ol’ Jack Burton always says at a time like that: “Have ya paid your dues, Jack?” “Yessir, the check is in the mail.”

        • the dude says:

          Just remember what ol’ Jack Burton does when the earth quakes, and the poison arrows fall from the sky, and the pillars of Heaven shake. Yeah, Jack Burton just looks that big ol’ storm right square in the eye and he says, “Give me your best shot, pal. I can take it.”

        • LanceTheIntern says:

          Everybody relex. I’m here.

  4. chuck says:

    Funny stuff Lefty.

    I thought the original was stupid.

    This is worse.

    RR dresses out at 134 and 5’&”.

    I think she is pretty cool and she could kick my butt, but at that weight and height, it is at best, bad casting. The “Cattle Call” will consist of guys who look like Ryan Seacrest and Ellen DeGeneres.

  5. the dude says:

    No. No. No. NO. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

  6. LanceTheIntern says:

    Why couldn’t they pick Next of Kin to remake instead of Roadhouse?

  7. If Rousey is going to get it on with a hot female doctor, like Swayze did in the original, then I’m all for this broad getting the role. And while we’re at it, maybe Hilary Clinton can play the Sam Elliott role as the leather-faced old battle axe who looks like he just fell out of a sarcophagus? She needs some positive pub.

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