It was announced this past week that UFC Women’s superstar Ronda Rousey will be starring as Dalton (though possibly renamed, I’m guessing) in a remake of the 1989 Super Classic Film Road House. As if you didn’t already know, the role was originally and expertly portrayed by the late, great Patrick Swayze.
This is a terrible, horrible idea.
It’s not that I don’t like Rousey; in fact, quite the opposite. Like most people in America, I find her entertaining and beautiful and amazingly badass. In fact, I’d go so far as to suggest that she seems like a legitimately cool person. Furthermore, if she offered to marry me, I would fake my death in a trout fishing accident, move to Sweden, and become her bride-slave, content to spend my days rubbing her feet and my nights preparing her protein-heavy meals of boiled caribou meat and evergreen needles.
Anyway, she’s been in movies before. And although I’ve never seen her act, I’ve heard that she is a perfectly competent actress—surprisingly decent, even.
But fucking shit, why does anyone feel the need to remake this movie? Road House, for all of its flaws, is perfectly good at being what it is supposed to be: a cornball, schlocky movie about “the world’s best bouncer” who moves to a small town to beat the hell out of the riff-raff and restore order to a bar called The Double Deuce.
I love this movie and it doesn’t need to be remade.
But that’s the thing: Hollywood, apparently, is completely bereft of original ideas. It feels like four out of every five “new” movies is some ridiculous rehash of a film I enjoyed (or hated) as a kid. It’s incredibly lame, and frankly a bit sad.
Why is Hollywood so lousy with recycled horseshit? When did we stop living by the edict that if something isn’t broke, it doesn’t need to be fixed?
Anyway, if Ronda Rousey wants to become a movie star, she should do one of my movies.
And Justice for Al
When data-analytics expert Borlinda Baptiste (Rousey, obviously) returns to her small hometown for Thanksgiving, she is met with terrible news: her sister Al (short for Allie, and I’m thinking she’ll be played by the bosomy middle sister from Modern Family) is struggling with a recent gang-rape at the hands of several redneck townies. Instead of feasting on pumpkin pie, Rousey takes it upon herself to exact a brutal and systematic revenge upon each dick-bag responsible for her sister’s assault. Elements of Last House on the Left and Death Wish, only, you know, with Ronda Rousey.
Ain’t That a Kick in the Head?
After being emasculated during a mugging—and subsequently losing the respect of his fiancée—banker Horace Langer (Paul Rudd) decides to do the only sensible thing: learn karate at a prestigious dojo under Austin’s best sensei. (Character name in the works, played by Ronda Rousey, though.) Will the timid banker become a karate champion and win back his bitch of a fiancée, or will he find truer love wrapped in a cotton gi? (It’s the last one. He and Rousey fall in love.)
In the year 3055, intergalactic supremacy is determined through one thing, and one thing only: hand-to-hand combat. Does tournament newcomer eXulon 1550Lisa (Rousey, duh) have what it takes to cement Rigel VIII’s status as World’s Most Ultimate Kickass Galaxy? We’ll find out after she fights a space-lion piloting a laser-spaceship (voiced by Jean Claude Van Damme) and some giant-ass purple thing with like, 16 arms. (The Rock in a really expensive alien suit.) This movie will be heavy on the CGI, and light on the imagination. (Because who needs to think when you’ve got CGI punching you up the butt?)
After being killed while backpacking through western Chile by anti-government militants, Scort Hamsley’s (Elliot Gould) three bratty children are left in the custody of his only known, living relative: Aunt Alice (Rousey.) Is this harried Memphis divorce attorney ready for the rigors of parenthood? (Despite a lot of early comedic foibles, yes, it turns out that she is. At least, that’s what happens in this movie. Oh, and she falls in love with The Rock, who maybe plays a widowed judge or something.)
Anyway, Ronda, if you’re reading this, please don’t do Road House. Let me know which project interests you and I’ll start on a script. Thanks!