Leftridge: I Had My Groceries Delivered Today, Like Some Kind of Big Shot

CTA_Brown_Line_060716I was born and raised in Kansas City, moved to Chicago for a spell, then moved back. KC will always be my one true love, but there are a LOT of things I miss about Chicago. I miss the Brown Line. (And the public transportation in general. I didn’t own a car in Chicago, and honestly, I didn’t need one.) I miss being able to step outside of my door and walk to anything I need. I miss the hustle and bustle of downtown, and working on the 34th floor of a giant building one block down from Sears Tower. (It will always be Sears, no matter what they think they want to call it.) I miss all of the crazy languages you can hear in a one block radius, the weird characters lurking in the shadows, the art, the culture, the seedy bar that was open until 4am just steps from my crummy apartment.

There’s a lot to miss about a place like Chicago.

But most of all, I miss two websites. I miss Grubhub and I miss Peapod.

You’ve probably seen commercials for Grubhub and thought nothing of it; to me, those commercials are little daggers in my soul. They do nothing but serve as a reminder of something I’ll probably never have again: a website that will deliver me any kind of food I want at almost any hour of the day.

grubhubThe premise is simple, really—you plug in your address, and they aggregate a list of every restaurant that will deliver to you at that very moment. You place your order through the site, and the next thing you know, you’re eating Indian food at 3am wearing nothing but socks and a sleeveless Def Leppard t-shirt. (You’re regretting it mightily the next day as you shit pure bowelfire into the toilet, but for those thirty magical minutes where you were drunkenly inhaling Lamb Vindaloo, it was totally worth it.)

Grubhub was magical.

Peapod was just as amazing. See, Peapod was like Grubhub, but for groceries. You’d log on, fill your virtual grocery cart with bison meat and carrots and Laffy Taffy and grape juice, you’d set a delivery time (I think you gave them a two hour window, if I recall), and at that prearranged time, a friendly Ukrainian man would cart his hard-working ass up to your floor and drop off your food, usually with a smile. It was absolutely perfect for a) someone who absolutely despises grocery trips, and b) someone who enjoyed avoiding weekly treks through waist-deep snow to acquire sustenance.

peapodI never thought I’d have something like Peapod in my life again.

ENTER HY-VEE.

In case you missed it, our favorite Iowegian grocery chain recently unveiled online ordering in select areas. HALLELUJAH.

It works just like Peapod, really. (Well, better, perhaps. I’ll explain.) You log on, fill your grocery cart with all of the same bison meat and stew fixings and whatever else you can imagine, and then you set a delivery (or pickup) time. The delivery charge is $4.95, and it’s $2.95 for pickup. These fees ONLY apply if you spend less than $100, in which case you pay nothing. Since I honestly can’t remember the last time I made it out of the supermarket under $100, the fee is a non-issue, at least to me.

So this is one way that Hy-Vee trumps Peapod, who used a sliding scale delivery fee—the more you bought, the lower the fee. (I think you always at least paid SOMETHING, though, no matter how much you spent.)

The other plus for Hy-Vee? Selection. You can order nearly anything they have in their terrestrial location, although I don’t think their store-made stuff (pizza, soups, Chinese) is available, and I don’t think you can have any booze delivered, because the government is full of assholes.

So does it work? You bet your sweet bippy it does.

I tried it for the first time this week and was thrilled with how easy the whole process was. The site itself is pretty user-friendly and simple to navigate. (I actually did it from my phone, which means that, even bereft of flying cars and robot maids, the future isn’t a complete wash: you can now poop and grocery shop simultaneously.)

hy_vee_corydonI placed my order on Thursday night, requesting a delivery between 5 and 6pm on Friday. At around 6:10, a nervous teen showed up at my door in a giant Hy-Vee delivery van. He apologized for his tardiness, explaining that they’d been very busy. I told him to shove his apology up his ass, and round-house kicked him in the throat. I told him it was no big deal. He unloaded everything and was gone within five minutes.

From soup-to-nuts (neither were things I ordered, interestingly enough), this was a pleasant experience, so essentially, I am never setting foot in a grocery store again. (You know, unless they do away with this service. So ensure this doesn’t happen by also participating in grocery delivery. Thanks in advance.)

http://www.mb-kc.com/
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17 Responses to Leftridge: I Had My Groceries Delivered Today, Like Some Kind of Big Shot

  1. Dana says:

    Actually, in the state of Missouri you can deliver alcohol. Missouri is a sin state. Hell you can drink a beer in a car in Missouri. In fact we have to spend 10% of our Federal high-way funds because of this on alcohol prevention. One year MoDOT made these cool urinal cakes that changed color if you had alcohol in your system. But back to the topic check out Alco-Haul in Springfield. They deliver liquor and frozen pizzas in cool 1920’s hot-rods.

    • Dana says:

      delivered —– apparently they closed down. But it is definitely legal to deliver liquor in Missouri.

    • Brandon Leftridge says:

      Ah, I probably should have clarified– I live in KS. That said, I thought I saw that the booze wasn’t deliverable at all. Maybe that’s a Hy-Vee thing, or maybe you CAN get it delivered in MO and I misread something somewhere. I’m sure those who are interested will test it.

      • Dana says:

        I don’t know if, Hy-Vee delivers in Missouri or not. I will find out on Wednesday, as I plan to use the service this week. I just meant that alcohol can legally be delivered in Missouri. IF Hy-Vee doesn’t deliver, its not because the government is full of assholes, its because Hy-Vee doesn’t want to deal with the liabilities. But just because the government in Missouri lets you deliver alcohol, doesn’t mean its not full of assholes, because it is.

  2. Dana says:

    Sorry, but a little bit of a nostalgic flash back. Does anybody else remember these from 2007?

    “Talking urinal cakes may soon be found in several lakefront bars with a message that kicks in as patrons are relieving themselves and warns them to not drink and drive.

    The devices, distributed strategically in Missouri establishments where alcohol is served, will greet male patrons with the following message from a female voice:
    “Hey big guy, going out tonight? Having a few drinks? Make sure if you’re drinking, you find a sober driver. Because if you drink and drive, the next urinal you use could be in jail. Remember, your future is in your hand.””

    http://www.cantonrep.com/article/20070824/NEWS/308249987

  3. Nick says:

    Actually, Michigan began re-distributing the talking urinal cakes back in 2012.

    And, yeah, Lefty – the Hy-Vee food delivery service is the tits. I used to haunt the PV Hy-Vee aisles – now I let them come to me. Friendly, fast and efficient. Like you, with a couple of growing kids at home I’ve never gotten out of their store for less than $100, so in essence the service free. Great idea, beautifully executed.

    As for Chicago…meh. It will never hold a candle to The City.

    • Brandon Leftridge says:

      “As for Chicago…meh. It will never hold a candle to The City.”

      Tulsa?

      I’m glad I’m not the only one using this. Hopefully it’ll stick around.

      • Nick says:

        “Tulsa?”

        Oh, you wacky Kansans and your offbeat sense of humor: first Brownback (good one!) and now mistaking Tulsa for San Francisco.

        I tell ya, you guys slay me…

        I just had Hy-Vee deliver yesterday – the lass I spoke with said they’re hearing great things from all their customers about the service. That’s just the PV store of course, but would expect the same from the rest of them.

  4. undrtkr says:

    Forget Hy-Vee and their stupid fees. I use ZoomIn Market https://zoominmarket.com/ in Olathe. Have for the last year. Order online and pick up at the location. If you order at the right time you can have it in a half hour otherwise it’s an hour window. However most of the time they have your order ready for pickup before the time you’ve requested. They will send an email to you when it’s ready. Their website is a bit clunky but it works. Best thing since sliced bread. I haven’t even stepped foot in a grocery store since I discovered it.

  5. what,again? says:

    Grocery shopping and pooping simultaneously — a phrase I wish I could get out of my head.

    In with the good, out with the bad?

  6. CFPCowboy says:

    I have a brother in law that needs this service. He is in an sdult living community, and he does not own a car. What he has discovered is that Hy Vee will service Belton, but not Harrisonville, so he has found a way to pay his housekeeper or a friend to shop for him. In terms of necessity, the service is needed to allow elderly people to stay in their home longer. For some of us in the country, bringing home the bacon involves shooting the hog. Of course we keep the best cuts for ourselves, giving the lesser cuts to the Hy Vee delivery van.

    • Brandon Leftridge says:

      That is a great point. I use it because I’m lazy, but there are plenty who NEED it.

  7. skybox says:

    this is superior to the alternative, which is getting H-I-V delivered to you by a ukrainian man who works within a two hour window

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