Yesterday, the Kansas City Chiefs announced that they’d join in the NFL’s aggressive push for global domination by playing a game next season against the Detroit Lions in London, England. Unsurprisingly, the announcement was met with calamitous fury from “Chiefs’ Nation,” which is a thing.
Mullets convulsed in furious anger and Zubaz were shitted indignantly. Far and wide, white trash uncles took to Facebook and other social media platforms to extoll their displeasure with a mixture of misspelled cusswords and thinly veiled threats of physical violence.
“WAY TO GO ROGER GLADELL U PEACE OF SHITT I HOPE YOU DIE OF DICK CANCER U ASSBAG!”
“If the Cheifs think Im will going to sit back and let them take My team to England They got another thing comeing!”
“I’ ve held season ticket’s for Fourty years and IF THEY THINK THERE GETTING ANOTHER PENNY FROM ME THEIR DEAD. WROGN.”
But like so many other instances of sports-related outrage, these sentiments are mostly unwarranted and fairly ridiculous.
The two biggest beefs seem to be from season ticket holders who will be missing out on a game (they aren’t paying for it, though), and fans who still feel Arrowhead is a magical netherworld where the Chiefs cannot be beat (it’s not—since 2004, and including this year, Kansas City is 40-44 at home and 31-53 on the road. So yes, they ARE better at home, but they’re far from unbeatable).
In general, settle down. It’s going to be fine. Personally, I think we should simply embrace it. It’s not often that your favorite team gets to play in front of drunken British people at 9 am. And actually, England is a pretty cool place. So in honor of this rare opportunity, let’s learn some neat things about Jolly Old England, okay?
– England was founded in 1710 by African explorer Paul Sorenson, who was kicked out of his native land for practicing a very unfavorable form of witchcraft.
– The legal drinking age in England is not a thing because even babies are allowed to drink, as clearly evidenced by a picture I found on the internet of an English-looking baby sitting by a glass of “ale.”
– England’s national dish is “steak and kidney pie,” which is a pie made of, you guessed it, horse-steak and animal kidneys! YUMMO, ‘IVE ME MORE, ‘UVNOR! (That’s how they talk, btw.)
– Although they love football, they call soccer football, so it’s actually soccer they love. In casual conversation, they refer to the sport as “footsie.”
– Many people are unaware that England is the birthplace of music. Rock and Roll legends such as The Beatles, The Troggs, Herman’s Hermits and Elvis all originally hailed from “across the pond.” Can you imagine music without those guys? Not bloody* likely! Lol. (*Bloody is a thing they say, too.)
-Speaking of entertainment, many famous authors were born in England. I mean, who among us doesn’t love William Shakespeare, Clive Barker, Harry Potter, Steven King, John Grisham, Mark Twain or Edgar Alan Poe? The British certainly have a way with words, and there’s no wonder why—they practically invented the language!
– Even though they speak English (having practically INVENTED the stuff, remember? From the last bullet-point?), they attach different meanings to a lot words and phrases. For example, “I’d fancy a go at her” means “I’d fuck her.” If you’re playing with yourself, you’re not jacking-off or masturbating, you’re “wanking.” And basically, you can walk around and call everyone a cunt. Seriously. It’s nuts.
– The national bird of London is Bald Eagle.
– Most people in England are named Nigel, and global data-scientists have theorized that by the year 2090 (provided anyone survives after ISIS learns to harness and weaponize Ebola), it will be the only name allowed for newborn boys.
– Some parts of England are really pretty with like, nice streams and rolling hills and castles and shit.
– Instead of Christmas, they celebrate Boxing Day, which is when everyone puts previously owned household items in boxes, and then you pretend to be surprised and excited when you un-box the same old goddamned blender that you’ve always had. The holiday was started in 1839 by Nigel Christ (whose last name is just a coincidence, WINK WINK), an unemployed blacksmith and noted son-of-a-bitch.
It’s better than you thought, right?
In short, I hope everyone enjoys their English vacation decides they’re okay with a single, solitary Chiefs game being played in our friendly Neighbor to the North. It seriously isn’t a big deal, I swear.
Your potty mouth needs a good scrubbin’, Lefty. But…some seriously funny shit!
God save the Queen.
Thanks, Jim aka BWH!
funny read …..lefty….this is the kind of stuff you should be doing…
wait…bald eagle…did they steal that from us Yankees?
“This royal throne of kings,this scepter’d isle,This earth of majesty,this seat of Mars, This other Eden,Demi-paradise, This fortress,built by Nature for herself, Against infection,and the hand of war; This happy breed of men,this little world, This precious stone set in the silver sea, Which serves it in the office of a wall, Or as a moat defensive to a house, Against the envy of less happier lands; This blessed plot,this earth,this realm,this England…”
Funny stuff Lefty. Seems like a perfect setting for the contest.
I would think a quid pro quo is in order and suggest Manchester United and Arsenal along with their many fans, adjourn to the Oakland Coliseum, where, we Americans can show our generous spirit by providing all the free Beefeater our brothers from England can drink. Then, replete with the necessary ordnance (It’s America baby and ordnance is readily available.) needed to not only chastize the poor winners and losers of said match, but to cut a swath through the Orcs
http://jocksandstilettojill.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/Black-hole.jpg
and out of the Thunder Dome.
Bring the kids.
This sounds excellent. And you actually raise an interesting point. English clubs play in the States frequently… and against MLS teams, even. I understand that they’re “friendlies,” but I wonder if their home fans get distraught about the potential lack of revenue, or if they embrace it because it’s kinda cool to show your shit off to the world.
They’re okay with it but would not be okay with an EPL game being played over here. But, it is also easy for a fan to go to every single game.
SKC traveled more miles in the last game of the season then an EPL team travels all year.
I dunno, Brandon…
Seems like the “friendlies” are more like the NBA throw away games that play in towns like KC and Des Moines.
Nobody really really gives much of a darn one way or the other except for the people who just want to see some big time hoops stars play meaningless contests.
Will it be on TV? OK, then.
Right?
Best seat I ever had was standing with Frank White and his dad over on the Lincoln HS bleachers watching over the shoulders of the Wolf Pack.
When you’ve been to the 700-level of the Vet, what else is there to see?
I’m with Orphan on this one…
Who really cares when it comes to 90 plus percent of the people who are going to actually watch the game. Plus it will be more interesting given that it’s going down in Jolly Old.
And get real, the awful truth is that Sam Mellinger is jumping for joy at the prospect of getting an all expense paid vacation to London to cover a Chiefs game.
I was amused at his forced effort to spank Clark Hunt for ripping off taxpayers when in fact it’s really no big deal. Pro football is a rich man’s game and there is precious little correlation between the amount of money cities get bilked for with stadiums, etc and bottom line financial logic.
I don’t know for sure, but I think Brandon gets it.
True fans would be happy because of the international exposure of the Chiefs.
Agree, Jack
Waht iff footbell is actuslly soccerd in Englad?
Bryan– you tried really hard with this comment. Great job! Keep up with your cute comics.
hahahahaha
Elvis?
You’re a hoot, young’un.
Wait– was that not right? Hearne really dropped the ball on his fact checking, I guess.
I have to admit to wondering how many of your readers believe Tupelo is between Durham and Newcastle-upon-Tyne.
Yeah and I missed Mark Twain and Edgar Alan, too.
That NyQuil will get you every time!
“an English-looking baby sitting by a glass of “ale.”
– [ caption that pic ] less than half a year old and already be(****faced) sotted…
Of note, the players are not fans of it, most any sport. Not as if copious time spent sight-seeing would result, just a LONG flight there, an 9 a.m. game there (said would be 3 a.m. Kansas City time), and a LONG flight back – even LONGER whence they lose.
This past MLB season, the Dodgers and Diamondbacks MLB traveled to Australia to open the 2014 season… result was player grumbling (former Royal Zack Grienke in particular played the part the ugly American).
Too, Dodger pitcher Clayton Kershaw – the over-hyped one (8 earned runs allowed to the STL Cardinals post season), ended up being injured, either due the long flight x 2, and/or regular season start moved up to March, compared the usual April MLB tack.
NFL Europe didn’t work, ended 2007… that it lacked ‘names’ (wannabes for the most part in lieu stars) does not convince Kerouac that just a few seasons later Europe et al would embrace American football. The NFL was losing $30 million per year on NFLE, and with only 8 home games to a Chiefs regular season home schedule, losing nigh on 13% of the product seems a lot.
Glad a team other than the Royals gets your “comedy” treatment. Please give up on the Chiefs season as well so they can play deep into January.
Man, you’re certainly stuck on the fact that I wanted KC to sell, aren’t you?You’re right– I was the only single person in the world who thought they were done. How embarrassing. How could I have been so blind? For shame.
this is funnier than when grantland compares sports to pop culture!
Well, you’re welcome to try and save the site, but I don’t think the couple of pieces you wrote a year or two ago were very well received. See if Hearne will give you another shot, though.
really dudes…who cares.
it’s one game. with the team worth a billion dollars…with the tax breaks4
the republicansgave the nfl….clark is sitting there saying “f=u” chiefs
fans…we don’t need you anyway. Just show for our parking and tickets..
after that who cares”