Okay, it’s not the exact midway point in the season yet, but we’re close enough for me to write a column about midseason stuff and have it stick. Seeing as how I’m writing this on the 100th anniversary of Archduke Franz Ferdinand’s assassination, I am reminded that life is fleeting; postpone a column such as this, and it may never be written. (Although it seems unlikely that there is a Gavrilo Princip waiting for me in the dark, I could like, choke to death on a taquito or something. Later tonight, even.)
So all tomfoolery aside, let’s find out who’s taking home this year’s coveted Completely Useless Nonsensical Trophies.
It’s been a banner year for the Boys in Blue, statistically speaking. As it stands today, there currently isn’t anyone on pace to hit 20 homeruns or drive in more than 90. Were it not for a mostly stellar pitching staff and spectacular defense, this team would be flat-out awful. So how do you name an MVP on a team like this? I don’t know. You throw a dart at a board, I guess.
There really isn’t much Gordon can’t do. He leads the team in OPS and doubles, and is tied for the team lead in HR. There isn’t a team in the league that wouldn’t take him as their starting left fielder. All of that being said, his numbers aren’t typically what you’d hope for from your squad’s best offensive piece. He could easily be the third best bat on a contender, but with a team as offensively starved as Kansas City, you’d hope there’d be at least one fella with more pop. Nope. Long live Alex and all of his talents.
2014 Midseason Pitching MVP Where Dartboard Wasn’t Needed: Greg Holland
I thought about blowing some fucking minds here, man, and picking Wade Fucking Davis brah, but while Davis has been a total king-hell-bastard of amazement, Greg Holland is still Greg Holland. He leads the AL in saves, has a microscopic ERA, and with the exception of just a couple of missteps, has been absolutely perfect. As long as Davis continues to dominate the eighth, and Holland is there to shut shit down in the ninth, I have zero worries at the end of a game. Speaking of:
2014 Midseason Pitching MVP I Changed My Mind: Wade Davis
Okay, actually Wade Davis has been amazing. Literally amazing. I am amazed by the things he has done while pitching baseball this season. His WHIP is 0.87 and his WAR (1.6) is higher than his ERA (1.30). I mean, this last thing probably isn’t even any sort of stat, but it seems impossible for a relief pitcher to have a higher WAR than ERA. I don’t get it. Wade Davis is like a child born with a heart growing out of its head: a scientific anomaly. And speaking of:
That’s an admittedly shitty title and I’m still working it out, to be honest. The Star’s excellent, new-ish Royals’ beat writer Andy McCullough coined the duo “Shake and Bake”—or, took a suggestion from a reader, maybe—and it’s okay, but not great. All I know is that they’d make a perfect pair cruising around the mean-streets of KC in a brown Dodge Challenger, cracking cases, sipping from flasks and giving mobsters the what-for.
Best Guy Who Runs Like Vlad Guerrero, But is Really Pretty Fast: Lorenzo Cain
I love Lorenzo Cain. I’d marry him, if I didn’t have a wife and he didn’t have a wife (who’s a bodybuilder, actually) and he agreed and my state allowed me to marry people of my same sex. He seems like a really great guy and he makes this team immeasurably better. He also runs like former superstar Vlad Guerrero. I don’t get it. I went to grade school with a kid named Will who had one leg that was considerably longer than the other. He wore a special shoe with a giant heel, but he still walked with a lopsided gait. This is how Lorenzo Cain runs. I don’t understand it.
I wanted to like him so much. I really did. I lauded the signing, only to have it turn around and shit in my cereal. To date, the greatest things Aoki has contributed to the Royals are a bunch of bizarre, epileptic-ballerina-like swings that create beautiful, disturbing photographs. Other than that, he’s been slower than expected, subpar in the outfield and mostly embarrassing at the plate. Aoki-Dokey indeed.
Most Likely to be Confused for Jon Lovitz: Jason Vargas
And this isn’t meant to detract from Vargas’s abilities at all. As much as I championed the signing of the aforementioned Aoki, I lampooned the Vargas acquisition. And I’m pleased to admit that I was terribly wrong. That said, he looks like Jon Fucking Lovitz. A young and in shape one, sure, but Jon Lovitz nonetheless.
Not since NBA legend Dikembe Mutombo has a professional athlete more accurately embodied everyone’s favorite sugary-snack addicted muppet. Seriously. Just listen to him carry-on in his loveable monster voice. Can’t you just hear him clamoring for an Oreo or a Chips Ahoy? Outstanding.
I could go on and on, but I’ve already written 900 words about absolute ridiculousness, and again, life is short and nothing is promised. As happy as I am to get this piece out to you, the reader, I also don’t want to expire while writing it. And I’ve got some taquitos calling my name. So…
Until next time, Go Royals!