Shortly after Easter—when Christ was risen from a grave-cave with a giant boulder in front of it?—the true Holy Day for football fans occurred: Commissioner Roger Goodell descended from Mount Lombardi and shone unto his Zubaz’d believers the 2014 NFL football schedule.
And it was with measured awe, great consideration and studious review that these Busch-bellied prophets then made their own proclamations concerning THEIR particular squadron.
What I mean is, mostly they called in to local sports talk radio and gave their predictions.
And so spoke these gridiron gurus and seers of the unseen.
And while I don’t profess to have a crystal ball, I DID date a stripper named Crystal once, so there’s no doubt in my mind that my predictions are 100% accurate. (And possibly, covered in glitter and Lavender-Mocha Morning Body Mist.)
I did this last year, and I was completely right. About every single game. Feel free to go back and check last year’s prediction piece. I’ll wait. (You won’t, so I’m in the clear.)
So without further ado, here’s how your Kansas City Chiefs will fare.
Preseason: Oh, God, who gives a shit. The Chiefs will go 0-4 or 4-0, or maybe 3-1 or 1-3. If none of these happen, they’ll probably go 2-2. It’s preseason. Nobody except the absolute worst over-analysts, idiots and degenerate gamblers pay attention.
Sunday 9/7, Tennessee Titans: The Titans are terrible and I can’t believe they’re even still a team. Chris Johnson is gone (and was old and slow anyway) and Jake Locker hasn’t proven anything. The Chiefs win this one easily, 55-10. W.
Sunday 9/14, @ Denver Broncos: The Broncos are okay, but they’re not like, the greatest team ever or anything. Come on. Did you even see what happened to them in Super Bowl last year? (More like Super BOWEL, right? LOL.) I think that the barely slide by here, mostly on account of all of the Chiefs being high or something, right Glazer? 49-45. L.
Sunday 9/21, @ Miami Dolphins: I can’t believe that the Chiefs won’t just play their reserves this whole game. Get the big guys some rest, you know? Because the Dolphins are going to be a diarrhea sandwich this year. Give this one to the Good Guys, 49-0. W.
Monday 9/29, New England Patriots: This will be a big one because it’s a Monday night game, AT HOME, against the Chiefs’ dreaded, eternal rival, the New England Patriots. Remember when Bernard Pollard crippled Tom Brady a few years ago? Brady’s never been the same, and I think Pollard will probably do it again. Chiefs win this one big, 55-7. W.
Sunday 10/5, @ San Francisco 49ers: You might look at this one and think it’ll be a loss for sure because man, the 49ers, how ‘bout ‘em, right? But look: Colin Kaepernick will probably be in prison by this point in the season because of legal issues (I mean, have you even SEEN his tattoos? WTF), and Aldon Smith will probably have already been executed for being a terrorist. It’ll be reasonably close, but I still think KC takes it, 49-38. W.
10/12: Bye Weeks are for pussies, and the Chiefs won’t need one. I think they’ll probably play an extra opponent just to prove how unstoppable they truly are. I think the Chiefs fly their practice squad north of the border and manhandle the Toronto Argonauts. 78-12. W.
Sunday, 10/19, @San Diego Chargers: Phillip Rivers has proven time and time again that he’s a mediocre quarterback with a rotten, ugly face. He’s surrounded by miscreants and castoffs, and I’m thinking the Chargers could easily go 0-16 this season. It only stands to reason, then, that Kansas City will demolish San Diego, 63-9. W.
Sunday, 10/26, St. Louis Rams: THIS ONE IS FOR THE GOVERNOR’S CUP, whatever the fuck that means. The Rams are godawful, now and for forever, and they’ll be lucky to win a single game this season. That won’t happen in the I-70 Series, though. Chiefs destroy the Rams, 49-3. W.
Sunday, 11/2, New Jersey Jets: Man, these ain’t Kevin Arnold’s Jets, that’s for goddamned sure. Though they will probably be undefeated at this point in the season—I’m expecting big things from newly acquired (and 2014 MVP) Mike Vick—I don’t think Vick alone is enough to overcome the Chiefs D (which will be best in the league, for sure, or at least top two). KC sacks Vick nine times and comes away with a close one, 45-21. W.
Sunday, 11/9, @ Buffalo Bills: If the Bills haven’t unprecedentedly forfeited the season by this point—and I think there’s a real chance that happens, tbh—I think they will after this game, for sure. Fueled up on delicious wings and Niagaran hookers, I think KC cruises, 58-0. W.
Sunday, 11/16, Seattle Seahawks: This one would be a little bit tougher IN Seattle (Chiefs would still win, though), but since it’s AT Arrowhead, I think 90,000 strong will harness the power of their mullets into one, unstoppable SUPERMULLET and it will whip the hell out of the recently divorced and heart-broken Russell Wilson. Kansas City wins hard, 38-7. W.
Thursday, 11/20, @ Oakland Raiders: I can’t even remember anyone on Oakland at this point. Is Carson Daly still the quarterback? I know they gave up on legendary comedian Richard Pryor’s son Terrelle, which was a terrible, misguided very Oakland-like move. Even though there’s a good chance Bo Jackson will run for 200+ yards in this one, I think the Chiefs air it out against a creaky Raiders’ secondary. It’s another victory, 55-2. W.
Sunday, 11/30, Denver Broncos: Revenge is a dish best served after slow-smoking in hickory for hours, until the tender meat falls apart like cotton candy, KC BBQ-style. After a devastating week two loss to the Broncos, THIS TIME IT’S PERSONAL. I think Bernard Pollard will destroy Peyton “Bradley” Manning’s knee like the dirty, info-leaker he is, and Kansas City celebrates hard after winning 49-17. W.
Sunday, 12/7, @ Arizona Cardinals: Unless the Cardinals find a way to clone 53 Gary Fitzgerald’s before the game, this one is over before the opening tip-off. Chiefs blast the Birds, 72-10. W.
Sunday, 12/14, Oakland Raiders: Goddamn this is a long schedule. Seriously. I can’t believe I’m still typing. No one is reading this, right? Haven’t we all moved on to some introspective piece from Paul Wilson about The Autumn of Our Years? 44-0. W.
Sunday, 12/21, @ Pittsburgh Steelers: Did you know that Pittsburgh was “Pittsburg” from 1890-1911? And there are still close to 30 states that have a “Pittsburg” in them, but none of them have an “h” at the end? There’s only one true home of the cheesesteak, though, and that’s… wait. That’s Philadelphia. Oh, that’s right—Pittsburgh is where they put French fries on sandwiches. Okay. 42-7, W.
Sunday, 12/28, San Diego Chargers: And what a glorious way to cap a magnificent season: at home, against the hated San Diego Chargers. I think Bernard Pollard destroys Phillip Rivers’ knee early in the contest, and KC wins in a landslide, 80-3. W.
So there it is, Chiefs’ fans, the greatest season ever. 16-1, which might be 16-0-1, now that I think about it. (There’s no reason they can’t tie Denver in the second game of the season… no reason at all.) Home field advantage throughout the playoffs, and a virtual lock to win the Super Bowl.
Feel free to make your own prediction in the comments, so long as you understand that, unless you agree with me all the way, you’re probably wrong.