It’s not a holiday in the truest sense of the word. It doesn’t involve the birth of a savior, the independence of a country or a gigantic rabbit rising from the dead in order to gallivant about town laying giant, chocolate eggs. It’s little more than a turn of the calendar, the ever-evolving passage of our existence. There’s nothing we can do to stop it, so I’m not entirely sure why people get such a collective boner about it.
One minute, we’re in one year, and the next, we’re not.
It’s arbitrary and ridiculous, but people really seem (or pretend) to enjoy it.
For some, it’s symbolic of a new beginning: a resolution to drop a vice, drop some weight or stop being such an insufferable asshole. For others, it’s simply an excuse to drink a little too much champagne, get unnaturally aggressive and possibly kiss someone they normally wouldn’t.
The great majority, however, just want something to do. It’s an excuse to abandon the children at grandma’s house, put on something almost-fancy and let loose. If you’re one of these folks—God love you—and you’ve yet to hatch a plan, here are some things happening around town.
Packages range $100-$599
You’re rich, you’re fancy and you’ll be goddamned if you’re gonna spend New Year’s Eve drinking Mad Dog 20/20 at a La Quinta Inn by the airport. This is pretty high-roller shit right here. $600 gets you the “VIP” package which includes valet parking, a complimentary bottle of bubbly, dinner for two in the hotel restaurant (Rosso?) and a performance by everyone’s favorite party band who I’ve never heard of called The Magnetics. Oh, and late check-out at 2pm, which quite honestly sounds like the best part of a pretty ridiculous waste of money. The $100 package is actually just you being allowed to jack-off in the parking garage while a homeless dude asks you for spare change. More affordable, obviously, but with significantly less frills.
The Black Party X
@Californios in Westport
Packages range $85-$125
This is the TENTH ANNIVERSARY of the initial Black Party at Californios, which first happened many years ago (ten?). The website doesn’t list a ton of details—I can tell that there will be some DJs?—and I’m not cool enough to have ever gone, so I don’t know what to tell you about this one. Just a lot of black people partying, obviously.
Science City @ Union Station
Free to Science City members, regular admission rates apply to non-members.
Presumably for the very young—and perhaps the very old and/or mentally infirm—this exclusive soiree runs from noon-8pm, features “science demonstrations, homemade party favors in the Maker Studio and a balloon drop at 6pm.” It sounds pretty cute, but I wouldn’t advise showing up drunk, looking to GET drunk, or expecting to get laid. You should probably just stick to taking your kids and limit your expectations.
Kauffman Center for the Performing Arts
Packages vary, range greatly and confusingly
So, a “Director Package” is $395 per couple and includes “butlered” hors d’oeuvres and “short plates,” some kind of bigger meal (I think?) and an assuredly classic performance by the inimitable DJ Earworm. The “Producer Package” is a $10,000 table (or $1,000 individual seats), includes all of the same things, and I assume you end the night getting sexually serviced by a member of the Kauffman family. If not, I’d probably just use the money to buy a nice, used Toyota.
$10,000. Jesus Christ.
New Year’s Eve Celebration at Argosy Casino Hotel & Spa
Look, I know that casinos are inherently depressing places; shattered dreams, broken marriages, crippling debt, poor decisions, old folks hooked up to oxygen tanks… but this is FREE. There are discounts on meat-steaks (cooked, presumably) and a midnight performance by Liverpool, who I’m guessing is that Beatles cover band that your aunt enjoys.
Yeah, Doug’s parents are upstairs, but they’re old and they’ll be in bed by 8pm, probably. Not exactly 5-star accommodations, but Doug’s got a futon where you can crash. Just bring your own drinks and enjoy the two-types of Doritos flavors he has to offer. Entertainment provided by the bootleg VHS of Molly Hatchet playing at the Kentucky State Fair in ’94. Maybe Doug’s sister will come down to steal some cigarettes. Sure, she’s young, but not like, creepy young. I think she’s 18, at least. She’s GOTTA be, right? I mean, have you seen her tits? Maybe you’ll get to kiss her at midnight, Romeo. (Note: you will NOT get to kiss her at midnight, but that’s for the best because she’s only 16.)
Regardless of where you end up, make sure that you have a safe and happy New Year’s Eve. Old Man Leftridge will be at home, complaining about the bottle rockets all of these assholes are shooting off.
IT’S NEARLY MIDNIGHT. GIVE ME A BREAK.
Anyone know of any other happening bashes that shouldn’t be missed? Leave ’em in the comments.