Leftridge: The One Where I Equate Enjoying the KC Royals to Sex with a Unicorn

royalswinSince Justin Maxwell was acquired at the trade deadline, he’s done nothing but hit home runs. (Well, two of them.) That still doesn’t mean I think giving up pitching prospect Kyle Smith was the right move.

I begged and pleaded for MONTHS to send Mike Moustakas down to Omaha, and although he’s turned it around by becoming an authentic threat in each at bat, I still wonder about how many games he might have cost the Royals with his early struggles.

Even though Ervin Santana continues to astound, Luke Hochevar looks like a totally different pitcher, Bruce Chen made some sort of pact with Satan and Greg Holland is arguably the best closer in baseball, I still think about what kind of haul they could have brought in if they’d been shopped.

James Shields has been every bit the ace Dayton Moore said he was, but Wil Myers? The guy Kansas City gave up for Shields and would have controlled for years and years? He’s likely to be rookie of the year and, given a full season, probably would have led the Royals in most major offensive categories.

And, you knowOld Man Tejada is pretty much the regular second baseman at this point.

Look, if ifs and buts were candy and nuts, something something I’m an idiot. This is why I’m a part-time internet columnist and guys like Moore make the big bucks, right? But in my defense, the Royals STILL aren’t going to make the playoffs.

Twins Royals Baseball.JPEG-07e3eThey’re just… not. I assure you. Despite owning the best record in baseball since the All Star break, they’re still 8.5 games out of first in the division (in third place, actually) and 4.5 out of the Wild Card. According to most projections, they’ve got a percentage chance in the low single digits to secure any kind of postseason berth.

And that absolutely blows.

It seems as though somehow—with some magical twist of the knife by a vengeful, Kansas City hating God—for every win the Royals get, the Detroit Tigers get two. (And worse still, the Cleveland Indians manage to get one-and-a-half.)

Call it “The KC Curse,” I suppose.

All of this being said, this is FUN, right?

It has been a virtual eternity since the Royals were relevant this late in the year. It’s a foreign feeling that most people under 30 don’t remember, and folks older than that have all but forgotten. I mean, the Chiefs are playing their first preseason game tonight, and I honestly don’t care. For the first time in forever, football doesn’t spell a mercy-killing end to the baseball season; it’s sitting quietly in the backseat and minding its own business instead of throwing a worn Tootsie Pop at that back of your head and demanding attention.

So I’m through worrying about the moves they didn’t make. It’s a useless exercise in futility. I vow with every fiber of my being to just sit back and relax the rest of this season, to enjoy good baseball and relish the sweet scent of hope, no matter how realistically fruitless it might be.

Though we may not be getting any at the end of the night, the cheerleader still agreed to go to the movies with us, so let’s act like a gentleman, buy her some Red Hots, and not pull that move where we stick our dick through the hole in the bottom of the popcorn bucket. If we play our cards right, maybe we’ll get a shot a little later. You know, after we’ve…found a franchise second baseman?

sexy_unicorn_by_louievega-d5851vuThis metaphor has me so confused right now, guys. But I guess that’s what happens when you live so long without real success. You get REALLY excited and start entertaining absurd notions like, oh, a .500 record, say. It feels like drinking your first beer, or making love to a pretty unicorn. You just want to savor the moment and hope that your mom doesn’t walk in, or something.

Anyway, GO ROYALS!

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6 Responses to Leftridge: The One Where I Equate Enjoying the KC Royals to Sex with a Unicorn

  1. bschloz says:

    I’m convinced the bimbo in the fountain is the inflection point of this epic rally. Her owning that water and subsequent shimmy up the bullpen wall has sent a serious message to MLB.
    I sold that under after O’s series.

    Chiefs look like they have a QB — those who say he is about = to Matt Cassell stop it.

  2. She’s the Royals’ Rally Monkey, as it were? I’ll buy it.

    And yeah, I like Smith, man. If you go back, way back to last year, he’s the QB I wanted them to land. (Every once in a while, when you’re right, it’s fun to brag.) That line last night was quintessential Smith. Hopefully we see a lot of that this season.

  3. Super Dave says:

    I seem to remember back in the 80’s more than once when the Royal’s had KC all fired up and then……………..

  4. Nick says:

    The Royals have been mismanaged, in some cases deliberately, since late ’94; it will be remarkable should they finish the season respectably above .500.

    Sure, that will disappoint you (and others.) But no one outside a crap Disney flic goes from afterthought to contender in one season. That will take at least 3, maybe 5 seasons.

  5. Spotty says:

    Get past the Tigers. Then we can talk. Until then stop staking out your spot on the parade route for Christ’s sake.

  6. Super Dave says:

    The story we really want to hear here Lefty is the part about the Unicorn , so time to fess up.

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