Hearne: NFL / Chiefs Declare War on Womens Handbags

11492103It’s official…

The divide between fighting terrorism and promoting high fashion has officially narrowed. Thanks to the National Football League and Kansas City Chiefs.

You heard it right, no need to rub your eyes.

Starting this season, the NFL will limit the size and type of bags that may be carried into a stadium. The only bags that will be allowed in are clutches – very small handbags without handles – and one gallon, clear plastic Ziploc bags.

Ziploc-BagsWomen’s purses no longer will be allowed.

“That’s unbelievable,” says high fashion priestess Kate Spade‘s sister Ann Divita. “Unbelievable. I think it’s very sad that that is where we’ve ended up. I guess the days of glamor are behind us if we have to walk around with all our stuff in a clear Ziploc bag.”

“You’re kidding me,” says former Pitch ad director Britton Hunter. “That’s not cool – not very stylish – that’s bizarre. Honestly, I think at the very least if they’re going to do plastic, it’d be nice if they were not see-through. Do they make opaque Ziploc bags?”

Here’s the deal; clutches don’t hold jack.

No way is there room in a clutch for sunglasses, makeup, car and house keys, a billfold, Kleenex and maybe a pack of cigarettes



or some sunscreen. Let alone all the sundry items that find their way into lady’s handbags.

“We do carry a ton of stuff, but we don’t need to,” says one Mission Hills socialite. “And if you’re carrying contraband or feminine products, no one wants them exposed in a clear, plastic bag.”

Lawrence marketing exec Ann Thompson has another take.

“It’s kind of like going on an airplane, it’s a safety precaution,” Thompson says. “These are highly populated areas and high profile targets for any evildoer. So I don’t mind because it’s a safety precaution. The Boston Marathon bombing was probably a huge trigger for this.”

“Remember that movie, Black Sunday?” the socialite says. “Where they tried to bomb the football stadium.”

The main concern over the NFL purse snatching appears to be safety and how to get people into stadiums without the huge delays it would take in order to thoroughly search every bag.

Hunter has a black_sunday solution for the latter.

“My feeling is, you pay a lot of money to go to these games and the NFL makes an absolute fortune,” she says. “So maybe they need to employ more staff so people can search purses more quickly. They need to do that instead of just handing out Ziploc bags.

“If you have people that are willing to pay a surcharge in order to be allowed to go through a shorter line, that should be an option. Like at the airport, where they have VIP service and you don’t have to stand in line.”

Which brings us to the lowbrow prospect of stadiums full of fashionistas charging around clutching giant baggies.

“I can just see everybody walking around the Arrowhead Club and in the suites with their little one gallon bags,” says the socialite. “And it’s going to fall down between the seats off your lap and get all yucky. Where are you going to put the damn thing? You’ve got to hold it. It’s a pain in the neck.”

Hunter has that one figured out:

“I would probably make my husband hold it for me or stuff it in his pocket or something. It would be totally inconvenient.”

brilliant+ideaTo mitigate the initial chaos, the Chiefs have hatched a truly brilliant idea.

Every Chiefs season ticket holder will get one complimentary, clear plastic bag with the team logo on it.

“Bullshit, you’re kidding?” Hunter quips. “Well, if they think that’s an incentive, they’re out of their minds.”

“That is a little bit laughable,” groans Thompson.

Stay tuned…



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28 Responses to Hearne: NFL / Chiefs Declare War on Womens Handbags

  1. Super Dave says:

    “not very stylish”

    Its a football game not an evening at Kauffman Center. People want to feel safe at huge public events but don’t want to go along with what it takes to be so. Guess we could just do away with the stadiums and make all the games pay per view and folks could just stay home and watch all the games. But in the end there is no real solution to the problem. If a nut wants to whack out a bunch of people they will figure out how to get around all the so called security measures being made. This is a case where safety in numbers isn’t always true. The larger the crowd the easier to deliver mayhem if that is their intention.

    • admin says:

      It may be a football game for dudes and the football fervent, but women don’t take their purses lightly.

      Try asking one.

      And for the folks on the Club Level, at the stadium club, in suites and with 40 or 50 yard line premium tickets it might surprise you how nicely women in those areas dress.

  2. bschloz says:

    Won’t be long until they announce opening of a Walgreen’s on main concourse.
    I went to a few games last year. I find the so called live NFL experience lacking in a few ways. First of all you can’t even get a data connection in the stadium with Sprint? Most of the fans are involved with Fantasy Football and the whole gambling thing. You would think that for a few hundred $ you could get some live highlights and better coverage of the league. Instead we get a barrage of Farmland Brats ads.
    As discussed in the past with the advent of HD ,Direct TV , Red Zone etc it will be hard sell for NFL to fill these stadiums up especially with a mediocre team and experience.

    # on Chiefs this year is 6.5 … everyone I talk to says they will win 8 or even 9.
    Chuck? Kerouac? I say they win 7.

  3. paulwilsonkc says:

    Here’s what’s most upsetting; we suspect THINGS, not people. We profile THINGS, not people. We focus on THINGS, not PEOPLE.
    You still take your shoes off at the airport because one nut job thought he could take down a plane with a shoe bomb, and FAILED, but YOU still take off your shoes. They are suspect of your SHOES, not the profile of the man who tried to blow up the plane with HIS shoes. Not the profile of all the men who have ever taken down planes.
    And don’t give me Timothy McVey, he was an anomaly but could have been found to, with or without a Patriot Act.
    You take your five items to TSA in their clear bag to make sure you aren’t carrying liquid explosives. They are suspect your toiletries, not who typically does something like this.
    And now, the Chiefs and lady’s purses, not the profile of the person who most likely would try to take out 70,000 people. From white trash chicks to the elite suite dwellers, each and every one alike, the purse is the suspect with no further cause than that, no more science or sense than that.
    Forget the purse, let’s look at the PERSON. You call that “profiling” and it’s bad? Guess what is lurking at each terminal of KCI on certain days, at certain times watching certain flights? Federal officers trained in the psychological science of PROFILING and they are looking for drug dealers and human pack animals transporting drugs for the dealers. They watch specific incoming and outgoing flights from the minute they come in the terminal till they get on. They watch the profile of the person, the body language and actions as they check in to depart or when they come in and wait at baggage claim. It’s done daily. They watch for people who come straight in the terminal from parking and go straight to a bag claim, people who clearly didn’t come in on the flight. Why do they get by with that? Because these are nasty drug dealers., so it’s all ok.
    But to profile someone who may just want to kill you, that’s BAD profiling. They may want to kill 70,000 people at Camarohead Stadium, but their skin color or religious beliefs leave us neutered to take the same precautions we take at the airport looking for drugs. We profile all the time where we want to. You know what metro cops look for in profiling? Cars with 20 air fresheners stacked up, hung from the rear view mirror. You know what the ratio is they find from cars fitting that profile and weed in the car? Astronomical.
    I PROMISE you this; if a bomb goes off at the stadium or the next plane that comes down, it’s not going to be because of something hidden in a lady’s purse, it’s not going to be a shoe or something in a toiletries bag.
    Once again, it’s going to be something where everyone watches the news and says, “Daaaaaamn… I never thought of THAT!!”

    • admin says:


      Why such an abbreviated comment?

      • harley says:

        sure Wilson….there will nothing be hidden in purses..
        remember boston marathon.
        I think this change in security came about because of
        another fail on your part!
        oh and Wilson….most of the drugs coming in don’t go
        thru the airports…they come in cars dude.
        the traffic from Colorado has increased dramatically…
        and please…I’ve been to hundreds of chiefs games…
        referring to chiefs fans as “white trash chicks” might
        get you in trouble with women who attend the games….
        didn’t that woman teach youa lesson before?

        • Interesting Facts says:

          I understand be cuz your reading skills are no better than your spellin and grammar but Wilsun clearly drew a comparison of purse suspects, “from white trash girls to suite dwellers” meaning indiscriminate searching moron.
          And I’m friends with a drug agent assigned to KCI. I don’t care what you or Wilsun say, I know myself that’s for real. You failed on that one too, Harlinator. And I won’t mention where Wilsun b itch slapped you on your IRS scandal fail you said it’d die end of May, it’s still on.
          You and Glaysures go back to TKC where you said you’d never comment at KCC again. Three Harlinator fails in one post. Epic fail. Go sell crazy somewhere else. You were nothing before your little defection and less now.
          If you haven’t noticed your largely ignored here now. I just had to do a little in your face on three of your fails. I’ll now go back to ignoring you too. It’s a new day and your not in it.

          • harley says:

            sorry Charlie….the irs case is dead…was dead
            from the start….the little guy in the house keeps
            it alive…but now its not even on
            drudge/huffington/red state etc….
            dead storyfromthe start and then a week after
            it comes out they find it never got to the
            white house.
            Where is it son…this is the end of June….
            maybe you needa calendar stupid fool.
            But you old guys continue to be wrong on
            every issue…. I canprove it…
            the boys blew the stalking case….blew the elections…politics…they
            got their rears kicked when they used
            racial and religious slurs and remember a broke
            clock is always right twice a day.
            I get emails about the comments regularly and
            they come from people who are intelligent…
            I work with the top people in this town…
            I know what i’m talking about and if you check
            my stories going way to the first ones
            I’ve written I’ve been right on.
            Some people on here can’t handle it…my
            posts contain facts and if you need to know
            anything contact me…
            No oneignores me.I get more responses now
            from hearne than almost anyone. He always
            comments about what I say….and he does
            it in a fun spirited way.
            When you call a woman ” white trash” no matter
            where she came from…that shows total
            disrespect for the woman and all women.
            Figures though…if you look real “deep” you’ll
            see thatthere are patternsthat reflect attitudes.
            No…no harm done…Harley takes the hits
            from these nobodies and keeps on rolling
            No purses in arrowhead…not a bigdealin my
            book. The terrorists use shoes…books…
            cream bottles….etc. andfrom what we saw
            in boston i’d rather play safe than sorry.
            That’s the society we live in boys. Hopefully
            you angry old guys with the negative attitudes
            might udnerstatnd that someday.
            How can you be so angry all the time…
            you can’t gt awayfrom me…
            You can’t ignore me…I’m the only one
            with stats/dataetc. to back up claims…which
            makes me more reliable.
            I was right about irs…nothing new there…
            another wild ass attempt by issa that now
            even fox news doesn’t pay much attention to.
            just like Benghazi…and all the other gossip
            crap they tried to create by issa.
            Read boys…you’ll learn something.
            Just because you’re 65 doesn’t mean you
            can’t learn new things every day.

          • Interesting Facts says:

            “but now its not even on
            drudge/huffington/red state etc….
            dead storyfromthe start and then a week after
            it comes out they find it never got to the
            white house.
            Where is it son…this is the end of June….
            maybe you needa calendar stupid fool.”


            In your face, Harlet, you F’ing dolt. This is the end of June….maybe you needa calendar stupid fool!

            You lose again. Youre wrong, you know youre wrong and the worst is youre not man enough to admit it.

            Two words, you be wrong. Wait, that was three words, but you cant count, so Im still right, its just two words. (like your own logic?)

            You can’t walk this one back loser. Now, back to our collective happy place which is, ignoring you, like everyone else is if you havent noticed.

            The new writers and old commenters are the best around, thought you said you’d never come back here. Now we can add liar to wrong. Bye bye Mr Hard Rain.

      • paulwilsonkc says:

        Because Im a busy man, I didnt have time to include all my thoughts.

        • harley says:

          interesting fact…of course its on drudge…another
          right wing pos. site. One I’m sure you read.
          But its not the top headline boss…go somewhere else
          and maybe like one of the mainstream media…
          ….even barely a mention on the fox news crap network.
          Evening news….abc/cbs/nbc…hardly a mention and
          if you read the drudge site several days ago…you
          would have seenthat issa even said it doesn’t
          go to the white house….readmy man….
          get educated….this was another phony straw attempt
          to link the president to another scandal for the
          millionth time.
          Low i.q. readers like you hang on that stuff…the
          top people knew it was phony…and even issa showed
          his real colors when he realized it was going nowhere.
          Fools like you who fall for the crap on drudge are
          exactly what they’re looking for. I’m sure you subscribe
          to newsmax and that “nutjob” magazine.
          It was a non story from the start. I said the president
          would never get involved in something like that.
          And I said its beenused before against left wing
          tax payers. And most of all…it was cleared up quickly.
          Okay I was off a week…so give wilsom some
          credit and yourself (you’re probably Wilson) …but
          after you guys had egg all over your face over the
          stalking kid stories…the amc move on july 4th…the
          rest of the “conspiracy” theories….the elections…
          the electoral college….and about a dozen other
          stories you’ve tried to raise..i think you best goback
          to the basement you came from.
          You low i.q. people still hangto the thin string of
          hope that something willgo bad. You’ve prayed that
          the nationwould have problems. You’ve wrote with
          glee when you had some fool come upwith an idea
          to take down this president…you hoped for the
          economy to go bad…you wanted the guy to fail….
          but in the end..like one other reader so eloquently said…
          you’re attempts to prove me wrong again fail!!!!!
          you can’t handle it!!!!! I win every time…..sorry
          guys….Harley is right again.
          come on by…i’m buying the beer…hahahahahaha

    • chuck says:

      Dead on the money Paul.

    • bubba says:

      “Damn, I never thought of that”.

      I have one for you. Let’s pretend we are drunk party dickhead’s. We are tailgating. We put our mini Weber under our pickup truck’s gas tank that is near empty with plenty of gas vapor as opposed to liquid gas to cool so it won’t be stolen and walk away. Do it early enough before the masses head to the gate, if you plan right, you could probably do more damage than the Boston bombs.

      In fact the nonsense that the NFL allows inside their stadiums and parking lots is far more dangerous than anything that will come out of handbag.

  4. Orphan of the Road says:

    Take a nap, Wilson. We’re always fighting the last war. As I’ve traveled around I’ve found the most dangerous person to be a whiteman in a golf shirt with a cell-phone in his ear.

    It is the government (and their Overlord Maters of Business) to keep the public riled up at some disaster, usually built out of gossamer wing and strawmen.

    I guess they will install incontinent products now in the rest rooms.

    And while you’re gnashing your teeth over the hipsters being displaced, consider what is brewing on foreign shores. Makes the NYC soda ban look sensible.


    • paulwilsonkc says:

      I love me some Perez Hilton!
      I could have gone all day, however, without knowing about John Gamel, professor at the University of Louisville, and his thoughts on his “scatter urine”.
      Thanks, Orphan…….. I may do a KCC story on “The Joys of Regularity” now….. also done from a sitting position.

      • Orphan of the Road says:

        I think that idea skews the demographics a bit.

        Unless you’re going for a sex angle.

  5. smartman says:

    Wow! Yet another way to use the term “douchebag”.

  6. Kerouac says:

    Bear with me here, I’ve never heretofore found a forum express the following, but as this one may be close as ever found, a slightly off topic excursion…one not so far from the realm possibility, however.

    ‘Terror’ as ‘ism’ where you find it, yourselves wrong time, place and/or circumstance, imagine if you will a stadium (we could call it ‘Arrowhead’), packed with some 75,000 fans, give or take. Forewarning ignored/mi$calculated, TORNADO touches down.




    What if? Why has said never happened to my knowledge in tornado alley Kansas, Oklahoma, Nebraska, Texas? Planes have crashed, killing whole sporting teams… what backup plan NFL deal with such tragedy, to include the loss an entire team?

    What of the remaining games a season schedule/forfeits?

    What of opponents schedules same, or compromised?

    Perhaps hurredly assembled replacement players?

    What of the deceased fans, players?

    What of future/prevention?

    Fate or otherwise, ‘**** happens’ goes the adage, despite the best laid plans man…

    • admin says:

      Pardon me but, huh?

      • Kerouac says:

        Leaving the NFL to its own contingency plan in place terms the football aspect (the wikipedia link explains), I remain surprised a tornado has yet to destroy an NFL stadium or any human life within.

        Talk about sitting ducks, while more common earlier months than during football season the fall, history shows tornadoes can/do occur in each & every month the year. With changing climate/weather patterns now augmenting Missouri/Kansas already favored position as landing spots, I suspect it’s just a matter of time until a tragedy visits one or both the course a football game, pro or college (or a baseball game/other same, that matter.)

        Thence, it will not matter what type of handbag be it a Gucci or NFL/Chiefs see-through style, one dies with in hand… terror or ism, dead just the same.

  7. paulwilsonkc says:

    Kerouac, as usual, you show up and bring the deep, probing, uber intellectual insight. I, not being you, only have the answer to one of your questions;

    “Planes have crashed, killing whole sporting teams… what backup plan NFL deal with such tragedy, to include the loss an entire team?
    Perhaps hurriedly assembled replacement players? ”

    I’ve made it clear I’m a sports agnostic but do have some insight from client relationships with most professional and college sports teams in the area. The KC Chiefs do have a disaster recovery plan in the event of a tragedy as you outline above. They would reach across the parking lot and contract with the Royals, who are clearly in their off season during football. The Royals line up would become the starting team for the Chiefs. Others would come from Labor Source and other temp agencies.

    Hopefully, someone can address your other questions.

    • Orphan of the Road says:

      Of course corporate America has plans


      One year at Pocono International, we were in the pits and a thunderstorm hit. The bowl filled quickly and a few people drowned in their tents.

      Awoke to tent “floating” and got the family into the van and on higher ground.

    • Kerouac says:

      “They would reach across the parking lot and contract with the Royals, who are clearly in their off season during football.”

      – it’s always the ‘off season’ at Kauffmann…

  8. paulwilsonkc says:

    This came up earlier today in a conversation with Hearne. I have no idea if people think they are really doing something or what you to think that they are. The topic of “duck and cover” came up from my grade shool days. Each month we watched the film strip of what to do in case of an “A BOMB” attack.
    We were told to stand, kneel under our desks and cover our eyes. Now, anyone in the government was smart enough to know in case of a hit, you’d have a second or two of bright light then every last thing would be vaporized! So what was the point? To make us FEEL like we were being protected? To save us that dreadful 1/2 second where we’d see little Mary vanish, or what?
    Same with todays measures at the game or airport; my question remains, who’s zoomin who?


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