The divide between fighting terrorism and promoting high fashion has officially narrowed. Thanks to the National Football League and Kansas City Chiefs.
You heard it right, no need to rub your eyes.
Starting this season, the NFL will limit the size and type of bags that may be carried into a stadium. The only bags that will be allowed in are clutches – very small handbags without handles – and one gallon, clear plastic Ziploc bags.
“That’s unbelievable,” says high fashion priestess Kate Spade‘s sister Ann Divita. “Unbelievable. I think it’s very sad that that is where we’ve ended up. I guess the days of glamor are behind us if we have to walk around with all our stuff in a clear Ziploc bag.”
“You’re kidding me,” says former Pitch ad director Britton Hunter. “That’s not cool – not very stylish – that’s bizarre. Honestly, I think at the very least if they’re going to do plastic, it’d be nice if they were not see-through. Do they make opaque Ziploc bags?”
Here’s the deal; clutches don’t hold jack.
No way is there room in a clutch for sunglasses, makeup, car and house keys, a billfold, Kleenex and maybe a pack of cigarettes
or some sunscreen. Let alone all the sundry items that find their way into lady’s handbags.
“We do carry a ton of stuff, but we don’t need to,” says one Mission Hills socialite. “And if you’re carrying contraband or feminine products, no one wants them exposed in a clear, plastic bag.”
Lawrence marketing exec Ann Thompson has another take.
“It’s kind of like going on an airplane, it’s a safety precaution,” Thompson says. “These are highly populated areas and high profile targets for any evildoer. So I don’t mind because it’s a safety precaution. The Boston Marathon bombing was probably a huge trigger for this.”
“Remember that movie, Black Sunday?” the socialite says. “Where they tried to bomb the football stadium.”
The main concern over the NFL purse snatching appears to be safety and how to get people into stadiums without the huge delays it would take in order to thoroughly search every bag.
“My feeling is, you pay a lot of money to go to these games and the NFL makes an absolute fortune,” she says. “So maybe they need to employ more staff so people can search purses more quickly. They need to do that instead of just handing out Ziploc bags.
“If you have people that are willing to pay a surcharge in order to be allowed to go through a shorter line, that should be an option. Like at the airport, where they have VIP service and you don’t have to stand in line.”
Which brings us to the lowbrow prospect of stadiums full of fashionistas charging around clutching giant baggies.
“I can just see everybody walking around the Arrowhead Club and in the suites with their little one gallon bags,” says the socialite. “And it’s going to fall down between the seats off your lap and get all yucky. Where are you going to put the damn thing? You’ve got to hold it. It’s a pain in the neck.”
Hunter has that one figured out:
“I would probably make my husband hold it for me or stuff it in his pocket or something. It would be totally inconvenient.”
Every Chiefs season ticket holder will get one complimentary, clear plastic bag with the team logo on it.
“Bullshit, you’re kidding?” Hunter quips. “Well, if they think that’s an incentive, they’re out of their minds.”
“That is a little bit laughable,” groans Thompson.