Paula Deen, Racist Baroness of Butter
Deen and her brother “Bubba” are being sued for 1.2 million carbs in a racial and sexual hot mess gumbo.
While your well-coiffed scribe is no fan, a Facebook page sticking up for Deen picked up 225,000 “LIKES” in just two days. I’m assuming the “LIKES” are also Imus in the Morning listeners and fans who hate nappy headed ho’s but love deep fried Crisco on a stick, extra crispy.
Digging into Deen’s dark past they found she used the N-word when a black man held a gun in her face at a bank where she was employed. Kudos to her, that took huge balls. Put a gun in my face and I’ll call you anything I choose; that’s a FREE PASS in my mind.
Deen is also accused of thinking that a slavery-themed wedding was a cute idea. I’m not sure that’s racist, but it’s not very creative and totally redundant. There’s a groom at all weddings a mere five minute ceremony away from becoming a slave.
Apparently Paula’s grease doesn’t fall too far from the pan either. Her brother “Bubba” is charged with showing pornography to unwilling female employees. No word on the the willing one’s takes.
(I don’t mean to offend anyone with this story; consider it a side benefit)
Jardine’s – Still Closed
Rumor has it one of the gay dudes is hatching a plan from prison to resurrect the vaunted jazz club and is currently raising capital from 713 investors to cover the rent until his release. Be assured, KCC is all over this breaking news.
July 15th – The Sweet Return of Twinkies
Hostess closed its doors to prove a point to its union workers, PATCO style. Apollo bought the Twinkies brand and other Hostess cakes for $410 million. In the days immediately following Hostess closing, otherwise normal people turned to eBay, paying hundreds and thousands of dollars for cases of Twinkies that previously sold 10 for five bucks.
I thought these short-sighted fools were hilarious until I remembered that I shelled out $350.00 in 1975 to buy the first red LED wristwatch I’d ever seen at the Consumer Electronic Show only to grimace as prices plunged to around $20.00 over the next 18 months.
Apollo’s head dude is a dude named Leon Black – the Carl Icahn of cupcakes – known for buying troubled brands and turning them around. Black’s had his sticky fingers in Carl’s Jr., Hardee’s, Chef Boyardee and Pabst Brewing among others.
The goodies will taste exactly the same but the new box will say “The Sweetest Comeback in the History of Ever.”
Reportedly, the frequently wrong Kansas City Star wrote at one time that Twinkies had the half-life of Plutonium and wouldn’t spoil for 100 years. I researched that and come to find out, it’s not true. While they spoil more slowly than other bakery goods – about 25 days – Hostess is on record that their typical shelf life is no more than 7 to 10 days.
(I’m sorry, since writing for KCC I’ve been overtaken by the urge to slam the Star.)
A seventh-generation high-wire artist named Wallenda walked a two-inch thick cable 1,500 feet above the Little Colorado River Gorge – a hobby that has killed more than a couple of his relatives. He completed the walk in just under 23 minutes, with no net, while invoking the name our Lord” or “Jesus” nearly 70 times in what seemed to be constant prayer.
I would have been praying “Clean underwear, sweet Jesus, clean underwear!”
Date Night Preparation on the East Side
Kansas City Police are investigating two, possibly three related heists. The first happened at 10:10pm when two men with a gun stormed the Fast Stop on Blue Ridge Blvd. making away with $200, a huge bottle of Crown Royal (the store apparently out of Hennessy), and a carton of Newport’s.
Then at 1:35 a.m., a young scholar wearing the same outfit and sunglasses as the Fast Stop robber entered a lingerie and adult gift store on 40 Highway – solo – with a gun. Dude stole $200 (notice the trend?) from Bang Lingerie and Gifts along with some undies. The booty from their combined efforts left them with a big ass bottle of Crown Royal, some smokes, presents for the ladies and enough cash to make it rain, baby!
Kansas City Police have video of the men, wearing the same outfits in the two crimes and are investigating if crimes could be – wait for it – CONNECTED.
Think about that for a minute; take all the time you need.
That’s “Thank you, I told you so”, in Japanese.
With 98% of Sprint shareholders voting, break out the Saki and telecom fortune cookies, the deal with SoftBank is done.
Old news; we called it here two weeks ago right down to the total percentage ownership. We also told you the Clearwire bid would fall off Dish’s plate. If you want the facts, come to KCC first. This is much harder than calling a Presidential election with two parties and a wildly unpopular Republican candidate; so our detractors can suck it.
The Star released it online, today at 10:31 and 10:36am. Nice job. Two breaking yet identical stories five minutes apart.
Two men are charged with building a death ray that would allow them kill miscellaneous Muslims and New York governor Andrew Cuomo. The plan was for two dudes named Glendon Crawford and Eric Feight to mount an X-ray laser on top of a truck to kill Cuomo by remote control without being noticed.
There were just a few flies in their futuristic ointment.
Crawford and Feight never had a radiation source. The bumbling, moronic suspect’s only expertise and seed capital came from the undercover FBI agents assisting them. Assisting isn’t the right word, encouraging would be better. Crawford’s only other engineering knowledge, prior to meeting their partners at the FBI, came from Wikipedia. The FBI goaded them on even as Feight expressed ongoing unease about participating in the plot, and added that he “would prefer not to know” who was going to operate the death ray.
So basically without the FBI keeping the plan alive, all you had were two idiots and a half-baked idea.
Thank God they’re reading all our emails and keeping us safe.
Still to Come:
The Kansas City Board of Trade leaves, gun play at the OK Bikers Club on Prospect and much, much more.