“With the eighth overall pick in the 2013 Major League Baseball amateur draft, the Kansas City Royals take O’Jesus Whogivesashit from For Fuck’s Sake State University.”
Or that might as well have been what they said. Because honestly, who SERIOUSLY gives a shit at this point? The team is awful again, the organization is appalling and the ability to draft and develop—it’s mostly a “development” issue, according to analysts—is embarrassingly bad.
So okay, okay, they took shortstop Hunter Dozier, a 6’4”, 220 lbs junior from Stephen F. Austin State University in Texas. The internet (via ESPN.com) said this about Dozier:
“There are amateur shortstops that can stay up the middle. Then there are those who will likely need to move to third base. Dozier fits in the latter category, but it looks like he has the profile for the hot corner. Big and strong, Dozier was putting up gaudy numbers during his junior season to move up Draft boards as the spring progressed.”
Well that’s just splendid. A shortstop who doesn’t figure to be a shortstop. He’s got “good defensive reactions,” though, and the “ball jumps off his bat.” I AM SO SOLD ON THIS PICK.
Oh, wait… They also mentioned that he’s not among the few elite college bats in the draft class. Uh-oh… feeling a little less giddy.
And people who know what they’re talking about—the “experts,” if you will—widely lampooned the pick as the worst in the first round. A real chin-scratcher, really, because, well… Dozier just isn’t that good. Definitely not first round material, it would seem.
Ho-hum. Just another day with the shittiest team in professional baseball!
Why am I even surprised by anything they do at this point?
Last year, the Royals made a seemingly solid move by choosing Kyle Zimmer, a right-handed starting pitcher out of the University of San Francisco. Royals director of scouting Lonnie Goldberg said, “I think he’s got the talent to pitch up here right now.” Well, Lonnie Goldberg is most DEFINITELY the Royals director of scouting, because right now, Zimmer is TEARING his way through the minor leagues. And by “tearing,” I mean “being 0-5 in 11 starts.” With a 5.54 ERA. For the Wilmington Blue Rocks.
2011’s pick—local-ish dual sports star Bubba Starling—is hitting .207 in 51 games for Single A affiliate Lexington. He recently underwent Lasik eye surgery to correct a vision problem, but probably also because the Royals wanted some kind of excuse to justify his bullshit performance.
2010’s selection Christian Colon is currently RAKING in Omaha, batting a cool .231 with eight—yes, eight—total extra base hits.
In 2009, they selected Mizzou SUPERSTAR Aaron Crow, who is not only a really legit threat to pitch the eighth inning, but pitch that motherfucker WELL. Because you know, late inning relievers are almost IMPOSSIBLE to find, which is why ALL organizations waste first round picks on them.
Mike Montgomery, who was selected with a compensatory pick in 2008, is Tampa Bay’s problem now. He was part of the Wil Myers/James Shields deal, so, I guess that part is a total lol @ the Rays kind of thing. (It’s fun to revel in the misfortunes of other organizations; as a Royals fan, that’s often the only way to feel good about things.)
2008’s OFFICIAL pick was your boy Eric Hosmer. Holla at ya Hosmer, yo! Despite a promising beginning, he has turned into a mostly-soft hitting first baseman with above-average defense, peculiar grooming habits and occasional warning track power. Which is awesome, because those are the kinds of things you NEED in a corner infielder.
The year before Hosmer, Kansas City selected Mike Moustakas and I don’t want to talk about him because he’s dead to me, and because HOW IS HE SERIOUSLY STILL ON THE BIG LEAGUE SQUAD? My brain hurts because it makes literally ZERO sense. There’s a ghost at third, and on the ABYSMALLY low chance that he gets a hit, I pretend like it was some bizarre mercy-rule that the umpires foisted upon the Royals.
I mean… doesn’t he WANT to be sent down at this juncture? Doesn’t he just have to be BEGGING at this point? It’s baffling, really. I’d feel bad for him, almost, but then I remember that he gets paid a LOT of money to be really terrible at his job. So, that’s kinda cool for him.
Luke Hochevar was the pick before that, and…
Okay, are you noticing a theme by now?
The Royals are clearly very awful at drafting.
So I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by a WTF pick like Dozier. It’s par for the course, really. Just another puzzling selection by an organization predisposed to making befuddling decisions, year after year.
Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s a game on right now, and I like being kicked repeatedly in the testicles, I guess.
I am on Twitter, @StanfordWhistle