Leftridge: Royals Shock World With Worst 1st Round MLB Draft Pick Ever


Analysts agree that Dozier’s tight shirts enhanced his draft potential.

“With the eighth overall pick in the 2013 Major League Baseball amateur draft, the Kansas City Royals take O’Jesus Whogivesashit from For Fuck’s Sake State University.”

Or that might as well have been what they said. Because honestly, who SERIOUSLY gives a shit at this point? The team is awful again, the organization is appalling and the ability to draft and develop—it’s mostly a “development” issue, according to analysts—is embarrassingly bad.

So okay, okay, they took shortstop Hunter Dozier, a 6’4”, 220 lbs junior from Stephen F. Austin State University in Texas. The internet (via ESPN.com) said this about Dozier:

“There are amateur shortstops that can stay up the middle. Then there are those who will likely need to move to third base. Dozier fits in the latter category, but it looks like he has the profile for the hot corner. Big and strong, Dozier was putting up gaudy numbers during his junior season to move up Draft boards as the spring progressed.”

Well that’s just splendid. A shortstop who doesn’t figure to be a shortstop. He’s got “good defensive reactions,” though, and the “ball jumps off his bat.” I AM SO SOLD ON THIS PICK.

Oh, wait… They also mentioned that he’s not among the few elite college bats in the draft class. Uh-oh… feeling a little less giddy.


Kyle Zimmer demands to be taken seriously. J/k.

And people who know what they’re talking about—the “experts,” if you will—widely lampooned the pick as the worst in the first round. A real chin-scratcher, really, because, well… Dozier just isn’t that good. Definitely not first round material, it would seem.

Ho-hum. Just another day with the shittiest team in professional baseball!

Why am I even surprised by anything they do at this point?

Last year, the Royals made a seemingly solid move by choosing Kyle Zimmer, a right-handed starting pitcher out of the University of San Francisco. Royals director of scouting Lonnie Goldberg said, “I think he’s got the talent to pitch up here right now.” Well, Lonnie Goldberg is most DEFINITELY the Royals director of scouting, because right now, Zimmer is TEARING his way through the minor leagues. And by “tearing,” I mean “being 0-5 in 11 starts.” With a 5.54 ERA. For the Wilmington Blue Rocks.

2011’s pick—local-ish dual sports star Bubba Starling—is hitting .207 in 51 games for Single A affiliate Lexington. He recently underwent Lasik eye surgery to correct a vision problem, but probably also because the Royals wanted some kind of excuse to justify his bullshit performance.

2010’s selection Christian Colon is currently RAKING in Omaha, batting a cool .231 with eight—yes, eight—total extra base hits.

In 2009, they selected Mizzou SUPERSTAR Aaron Crow, who is not only a really legit threat to pitch the eighth inning, but pitch that motherfucker WELL. Because you know, late inning relievers are almost IMPOSSIBLE to find, which is why ALL organizations waste first round picks on them.

Mike Montgomery, who was selected with a compensatory pick in 2008, is Tampa Bay’s problem now. He was part of the Wil Myers/James Shields deal, so, I guess that part is a total lol @ the Rays kind of thing. (It’s fun to revel in the misfortunes of other organizations; as a Royals fan, that’s often the only way to feel good about things.)

2008’s OFFICIAL pick was your boy Eric Hosmer. Holla at ya Hosmer, yo! Despite a promising beginning, he has turned into a mostly-soft hitting first baseman with above-average defense, peculiar grooming habits and occasional warning track power. Which is awesome, because those are the kinds of things you NEED in a corner infielder.

The year before Hosmer, Kansas City selected Mike Moustakas and I don’t want to talk about him because he’s dead to me, and because HOW IS HE SERIOUSLY STILL ON THE BIG LEAGUE SQUAD? My brain hurts because it makes literally ZERO sense. There’s a ghost at third, and on the ABYSMALLY low chance that he gets a hit, I pretend like it was some bizarre mercy-rule that the umpires foisted upon the Royals.

I mean… doesn’t he WANT to be sent down at this juncture? Doesn’t he just have to be BEGGING at this point? It’s baffling, really. I’d feel bad for him, almost, but then I remember that he gets paid a LOT of money to be really terrible at his job. So, that’s kinda cool for him.

Luke Hochevar was the pick before that, and…

Okay, are you noticing a theme by now?


Bubba Starling has been unable to– wait for it– CAST AWAY THE ASPERSION that he was a pretty bad pick. (someone please murder me in my sleep.)

The Royals are clearly very awful at drafting.

So I guess I shouldn’t be surprised by a WTF pick like Dozier. It’s par for the course, really. Just another puzzling selection by an organization predisposed to making befuddling decisions, year after year.

Now if you’ll excuse me, there’s a game on right now, and I like being kicked repeatedly in the testicles, I guess.

I am on Twitter, @StanfordWhistle

This entry was posted in Brandon Leftridge, Sports and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to Leftridge: Royals Shock World With Worst 1st Round MLB Draft Pick Ever

  1. Orphan of the Road says:

    When I was a boy they were my pride and joy
    But now they only bring fatigue
    To the home of the brave
    The land of the free
    And the doormat of the American League

    Dayton Moore IS Lee Thomas. The Glass Family IS Norman Brayman. And Andy Reid is now stalking me.

    It is like deja vu all over again.

  2. chuck says:

    Funnys stuff as always Lefty.

    The Royals are so depressing.

    I work with a bunch of construction guys like me and we decided last week to NEVER talk about them again, because it was just such a downer. Seriously, we talked about it and decided to never bring the Royals up in a conversation for ANY reason.


  3. Paul says:

    I was going to begin by defending the choice. Many high school and college shortstops move to other positions. Teams usually put their best players at short on or the mound, so nothing untoward in the proclamation that the choice will likely move to third.

    That said, I’m tired of talking about some of the flops. I still think Hosmer and Moustakas will rake in this league. That doesn’t make up for choices like Colon, Zimmer, Montgomery, Starling, etc.

    So I’m taking an earlier commenter’s advice and going to stop talking about the Royals until they are .500 or better. Hopefully that’s not too far in the future, because I have a lot to say!

    • Very well said. I think you’re right about Hosmer and Moustakas, too. Look how long it took Gordon– much longer than anyone anticipated.

      With the Dozier pick, I keep trying to convince myself that maybe it’s a GOOD thing the experts have such low expectations. Most of the folks I mentioned in the piece were considered good-to-great selections… so, a reverse psychology kind of thing, maybe? Time will tell, I suppose.

  4. CG says:

    Hmmm…man you are more pissed at the Royals than me. Yes you hit it on the head, poor organization, no good leadership, worst drafting skills in baseball history, this has gone on for 30 years. They have really found almost nobody, just Beltron and well that’s about it, unless you count Zake Attack. He seems to be just an ok pitcher today, nothing special but his contract numbers. I think Damon was in our farm system as well, also a standout but if Damon and Beltron are about it in 30 drafts. Call Carl Peterson.

    Chiefs are in the same boat, almost. They will only look decent casue their opponents are mostly soft this season or it likely would be 4 or 5 wins, only due to Smith.

    I am amazed at the attendance at Royals stadium, what great fans. Maybe they just have little else to do. Why go except for stadium experience. The team is a minor league group for the most part. Oh wow they swept Houston. So did everyone. They will return to losing 5 and 6 in a row very soon. They don’t have one bat in that lineup, none, even Alex Gordon is just a singles and doubles guy, more singles than doubles. Likely the Royals will break the modern home run record this year. FOR THE LEAST EVER. Will any Royal break 15?

  5. the dude says:

    Man, I thought bringing Moore to the Royals would bring the winning ways he had at the Braves with him but it seems that didn’t happen. Looks like Starling is coming up a bust also. A look across the state shows how it is truly done properly.

  6. Ross says:

    I know this is a Hearne Christopher site, so accuracy, integrity, telling the whole story, etc. are not part of the MO around here. “Snark above all else” should be the masthead of this site.

    So, it’s no surprise that you ignore the fact that we picked up what many consider to be the best lefthanded pitcher in the draft in the second round. If you look at a lot of the Jan/Feb draft hype, many were thinking Houston would take him (Sean Menea) instead of Appel. A late (non-arm) injury, combined with being a Boras client, caused him to fall.

    When you look at the draft rules as they are now (limited pool of money, defined slots, etc), it becomes pretty clear what Moore was doing. Sign your first round for under slot and then sign a higher talent/over slot guy with your sandwich pick (34th overall). This, in theory, saves you money to sign later round draft picks.

    I’m not saying it’s a great strategy, or even one that will work. However, it is a strategy, and one that is acknowledged throughout baseball as a legitimate way to work within the new rules of the draft.

    That would have been an interesting article to write – one that actually explored facts. But, it’s easier to “write” a hearne-style, hack-like, no-research article saying the “Royals are obviously pathetic because they did X” – with absolutely no context. As per usual.

    • Hearne says:

      Do you need a hug or something, Ross Man?

      Yeah, 16 years at the Star, highest read column, one of the few writers making six-figures and front page news stories in every section of the newspaper.

      Pretty miserable track record, I agree

      • the dude says:

        Sounds like both you two sorry schlubs could use a big group hug stat. Come on, you know you need one, make room.

      • Ross says:

        Pass on the hug, but appreciate the thoughtfullness.

        I guess I’m just confused how the defense from the author is “it’s not my full time job, so that’s why it’s not good” and the defense from Hearne is “this was his full time job, so he must be good.”

    • Ross:

      Thanks for reading.

      I really do like the Manea pick—as I’m sure most people do. And while I’d love to write daily, in-depth, exploratory pieces about the Royals, I haven’t the time. This isn’t my job, and I don’t get paid like Bob Dutton to do it. I write a piece or two a week for the very casual fan, and I try to keep them entertaining, and a little bit informative.

      If you want to read REALLY thorough analysis, you won’t find it here. My apologies. If you’re interested in WRITING that kind of thing, shoot Hearne an email. He’s always open to new writers.


  7. admin says:

    No apologies necessary, Brandon.

    You do an excellent job and your mix of facts, opinion and style are in a league Bob Dutton will never ascend to. Not this lifetime anyway. That said, yes, you are not a full time beat writer.

Comments are closed.