Paul Wilson: Why We’ll Never Be Visited by Intelligent Life

American values with a side of humor…

You can’t make this crap up, who would believe it?

A Manhattan Mom hires a handicapped person to be their “tour guide”, as people in wheel chairs can take up to six guests with them, skip the lines and “fast pass” to the head of the pack. You can hire your own “cripple” for $130 an hour, $1,040 for the day from Dream Tours Florida.

“My daughter waited one minute to get on ‘It’s a Small World’ — the other kids had to wait 2 1/2 hours. You can’t go to Disney without a tour concierge. This is how the one percent does Disney.”

I can imagine another quote from this Mother of the Year candidate; “Kids, don’t touch the cripple. Don’t talk to him and don’t look him in the eye. He’s not our friend, he’s just like your nanny except he can get us to the front of the line!”


A nude painting of Golden Girls Bea Arthur sold for $1.9 MILLION dollars at Christie’s this week. It sold to a phone bidder. Clearly the buyer didn’t want anyone to know who he was; how could you ever live that down? Arthur never sat for the painting; the artist worked off of a picture of her fully clothed and his imagination of what her 44 longs looked like.


Three Officers – all assigned to and some in charge of the Sexual Harassment and Assault Response Prevention (SHARP) / Equal Opportunity Program – were arrested recently. For what? Sexual harassment, what else?

There’s something to be said for consistency.

Lt. Col. Jeffrey Krusinski was charged with miscellaneous groping, Sgt. Gregory McQueen for allegedly running a prostitution ring and the sexual assault of another soldier while Lt. Col. Darin Haas, the manager of Fort Campbell’s program was charged with stalking his ex.

And while we’re on the topic of the military, the Air Force acknowledged this week it dumped the ashes of at least 274 service members into a Virginia landfill. A story in The Washington Post showed that 976 fragments from 274 military personnel were cremated, incinerated and taken to the landfill.

To make matters worse, the Air Force confirmed 1,762 additional unidentified remains were collected from the battlefield and disposed of in the same manner. According to the Post, those fragments had been “too badly burned in explosions to undergo DNA testing, pushing the total number of cremated fragments dumped in the landfill above 2,700.”

Former protocol was for remains to be buried at sea, but in these cases, something went wrong and apparently the landfill was closer. My heart goes out to the families of these brave men who gave it all and ended up getting dumped in the dump.


Once again this week, Kansas City has been shown to be the Mecca of fine parenting as a nine year old little girl was held captive in her basement for bladder control issues and a three year old was found wandering, trying to cross Truman Road at 5:20am in underwear. Why did the three year old cross Truman Road? To get to the other side!


Finally yesterday, Chris Mathews, with Reverend Al as his guest (just where does he preach, anyway?) says the reason everyone is upset about the IRS and are criticizing the White House for its scandals is because of racism.


We are sending Interstellar radio messages into space looking for intelligent life. Whoever is listening is laughing their asses off and putting us on the bottom of their vacation list.

Have a great weekend, Kansas City!
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13 Responses to Paul Wilson: Why We’ll Never Be Visited by Intelligent Life

  1. harley says:

    this is more like it wilson.
    stick to humor (like the rest of your other articles)and you don’thave
    to feelbad when I offer facts and figures that you seem to leave out.
    Nice “short” article wilson.
    Keep it up.

    • the dude says:

      Wilsuns article was good but you always find a way to really crack me up harlinator.

  2. Skeptic says:

    So much better than Kelly’s Starbeams. Keep it coming, Paul.

  3. Skeptic says:

    So much better than Kelly’s Starbeams. Very enjoyable, Paul

  4. chuck says:

    Funny stuff Paul.

    Gotta tell ya, I think sending messages out into space to attract the attention of our “nighbors” is insane. The billions of galaxies out there, no doubt have trillions of life forms, most of which will have, imo, little if any appreciation for the “Housewives of New Jersey” culture we live in.

    We can take small comfort in the knowledge, that, unencumbered by any social stigma or metaphorical scarlet letter and if there is a God, when the Alien Captain says, “Fire at will!” we will see Al Sharpton take the first strike. Hopefully, he will be speaking at the SCLC to a full house.

  5. paulwilsonkc says:

    Chuck, you crack me up. Thanks as always.
    Skeptic, I enjoy Kelly’s pieces! I wasn’t really channeling him, this just seemed to be an odd week in the news. I just may start doing a Friday wrap up of all the news that’s not.

    • Orphan of the Road says:

      That Was The Week That Was rebooted. Good idea.

    • smartman says:

      Wilson, please. Enough with the “team player” stuff. That’s so 90’s. You’re not at Sprint anymore.

      Next time KU writes something genuinely funny or interesting will be the first time. Hearne should move him to where no one comments. Although all the comments there may be telepathic since people that live in Lawrence are far superior to we mere mortals.

      Nice to see you and Mr. Sutherland classing up the place. It’s like going into the bathroom at the Fying J and having all the graffiti replaced with Kierkegaard quotes.

      Taking a whiz while reading “Life can be only understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards” is a big change from “harley can’t satisfy me, I’m in the white Nissan Altima in the parking lot” XOXO

      • paulwilsonkc says:

        Smarty, I appreciate the reference to the K-man, or Soren, as I call him. While most of these wankers are droning on about how big and important they are, he and i would sit around and develop quotes. Once, I turned to him and ask, “what is the sound of one hand clapping?” Thinking Id struck on something profound, he mumbled something about it being stupid so I didnt push what I saw as a valid question.

        You made an observation about Altima girl and her quandary. Soren said, ” Life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced.” She experienced her reality. She was left wanting. That’s life. (Feel free to leave that at Flying J.

  6. paulwilsonkc says:

    Oh Smarty……I’m going to comment when I can catch my breath and stop wiping tears! I’m in the white Altima…..xoxo, priceless!
    I’m sorry for acting like a team player; I was just sucking up to maintain my position as The Genuinely Coiffed Scribe, as Balbonious NewSkin put it.
    I hate Kelly, Hearne, most everyone on here but you, Balbo, Chuck, Dude, SD, Mike, Mysterious, and the poor under served girl (or guy) in the Altima!
    Is that better?

    • balbonis moleskine says:

      I decided to take your advice and write another one for the site, so expect 1 or 2 lifestyle articles by Friday. Should be fun. It’s no Sprint takeover but it should be fun.

      Nice couple of articles btw Pauly I’ve enjoyed your writing here.

  7. paulwilsonkc says:

    Good for you, Balboa! I look forward to it and thanks for the kind words!

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