Paul Wilson: Stop the Snow Blower Madness

Talk about blow jobs…

The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission estimates that each year there are approximately 5,740 snow blower related injuries in the United States that require medical attention.

One problem in the design of some snow blowers is that snow can build up in the auger, jamming it and stalling the motor. This is complicated by the fact that the auger can deform before applying enough resistance to the motor to turn it off.

Then if the jam is cleared by hand, it’s possible for the auger to return to its natural shape suddenly and with great force, possibly injuring the user.

Snow blowers are a leading cause of traumatic hand and finger amputations.

“Snow blower injuries tend to happen when someone stops paying attention for even a few seconds,” says Dr. R. Michael Koch, chief of the microsurgery and replantation services of the Westchester Medical Center in Valhalla, N.Y. in a news release.

Ralph 12-27-2010 Snow Blower WEBAs a result of our recent storms, one local hospital reported 12 people coming in during just a six-hour stretch with snow blower related injuries!.

It’s time something is done and the Government steps in and protects people from this terror.

“The snow blower got jammed up multiple times,” one of the patients told Action News. He said he tried sticking his hand in to get out snow, but it caught the tips of his fingers.

imagesWhen they stop this madness? When will the government start protecting us from this clear and present danger?

This has been a concern of mine that I’ve researched for years. I have hundreds of pages of facts; I know the biggest manufacturers of snow blowers in the nation; I hang with many of the big players in this field and consider them friends.

For five years now, Ive written a newsletter on the topic with 563 subscribers to date.  I’d be glad to share my findings with readers here on KCC.

Simply email me at

Here’s a very brief summary of what I’ve learned to date:

article-2160471-13A38322000005DC-261_233x423Saudi Arabia has banned snow blowers and its ban has proven to be a model
we should look to. Snow blower accidents have decreased nearly 100% since the ban.

It’s time we set our differences aside, gain some humility and learn something  from our Muslim brothers. Hey, they gave us our President, we need to follow their lead in this area as well.

Civilians DO NOT NEED snow blowers.

Our Government can clear the roads and solar power will melt the rest of the snow after we, you know, shovel.

I know the fear; if they ban snow blowers next they’ll come back for my manual shovel…then my AK-47 and so on.

That’s the idiotic fear mongering being spread by the right wing media.

The Second Amendment doesn’t give us the right to own, borrow or use these
death machines and the truth is, we need to be protected from ourselves.

Snow Blowers are counter productive to home safety.

fat20and20smokingThe chance of some of you fat losers venturing out of your mom’s basements after reading this and commenting here on KCC, then falling on the snow and breaking a hip is NOT made safer by the ownership of this machine.

You’re far more likely to kill yourself in its operation than any offsetting benefit you derive through its snow clearing ability. Which btw has yet to be proven to my satisfaction.

You’re far more likely to inure a child with a snow blower than the chances of them getting caught up in mass school shooting.

Defending your own driveway with this tool of amputation is more likely to do more harm, inadvertently, to your neighbor even than what your own safety is worth.

Objects hurled from its mighty, chopping blades can travel like shrapnel for blocks, much like an errant bullet at a shooting range or careless New Years Eve celebratory shot into the air!

Ordinary people, when operating a snow blower, can inadvertently turn into slaughtering butchers, but when its taken out of their hands, they revert to totally
normal human beings.

Coincidence? I think not.

Willow+Palin--Snow+BlowingWomen are just as intelligent as men, but a woman operating a snow blower is an accident waiting to happen!

I’m way beyond tired of hearing about proper training and registration of snow blowers. People don’t intentionally hurt themselves with snow blowers, snow blowers hurt people, plain and simple.

We don’t need more training and better, stronger gloves, we need fewer snow

There are a few small concessions I would agree to, outside of a total
ban, but not many.

***A 1/8th horsepower limit to the engines, less power, less threat of danger.

***Limiting gas tanks on snow blowers to one pint of gas. If you have to
stop more often to refuel, you will more likely go inside, warm up, and come back more alert, more capable of managing this dangerous, unnecessary tool.

***Requiring garage safes so these monsters can be put into them when not in use so one can not be started and engaged accidentally or by a child.

I’m taking my proposal to Topeka next week.

Remember, I’m looking out for YOU!

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32 Responses to Paul Wilson: Stop the Snow Blower Madness

  1. Orphan of the Road says:

    This has gotten out of hand. All the oral sex in the snow. The crass racism of the white, fallen snow.

    Snow blower is just “code” for for a Dark Barby.

    Give it up wilson, just a BCH of the work of the scribbler.

  2. Trish says:

    Misogyny run amok!
    Mr. Wilson your humor never fails to captivate me…and that tongue is stuck so far into your cheek, methinks I see it poking out the other side!
    Time for me to gear up my blower in this Central Oklahoma blizzard. Oh that’s right, WE never saw it!

  3. mike says:

    I agree with you Paul. The problem is that what you propose probably will never happen. The NSA has a very powerful lobby due to all the super PACs they give money to. The politicians care more about getting the money they need to campaign than about the safety of the citizens they supposedly represent. We all need to write our representatives and let all our voices be heard before any more innocent people get hurt.

  4. smartman says:

    Snow removal, like sex, requires LOTS OF LUBRICATION.

    Best way to keep your snow blower from getting clogged, or keeping snow from sticking to your shovel is to coat all surfaces liberally with WD40. Again ALL SURFACES, auger, chute, EVERYTHING.

    As for coital lubrication it calls to mind a verse from one of my favorite songs.

    “A rich girl uses vaseline, a poor girl uses lard, my girl uses axle grease and it makes me twice as hard”

  5. chuck says:

    Yeah, I am so DONE with this stuff!!


    Funny stuff Paul!


  6. paulwilsonkc says:

    Sweet baby Jesus; one poorly chosen opening line and the comments are going to swirl down the giant posting toilet! I expected that of YOU, Smarty; but Orphan? I figured he’d post some esoteric vintage motor cycle reference, like how a ’64 Norton could break your leg if you didnt kick start it right, making it no safer than a snow blower! But nooooo, it takes the OTHER path.
    Next up; Chuck’s comparison to the snow being a analogy to the white man, the snow blower; the black man and the violence that naturally flows forth from life on the third rock from the sun!

  7. smartman says:

    Chuck, Wilson, you gotta get over to youtube. Lil Poopy just dropped another bomb.

    • chuck says:

      The Dominican Festival one?

      I love that one.

      He drove there himself, dirty, on a suspeded license with an older woman, she was 9.

    • chuck says:

      Look like “Little Poopy” flew a little too close to the sun.

      Social Services wants to melt his wings and speak with his parents.

      “Parents”–now there is a concept.

      If your 9 year old is singing about whores, cocaine, ordnance and puzzy on viral videos designed and produced by your parents, then yes, you are goin to prison.

      We have come a long way since “Sittin at the back of the bus” was a National disgrace.

      • chuck says:

        “Shooting up the bus” —

        is now just another day in the life of a culture so bereft of any redeeming value, that it should sicken and disgust us all.

        “Little Poopy” is a precocious, natural result of the filth and necrosis that permeates what passes for entertainment now in America and encourages the already hyper-violent cretins populating our urban core to the next level.

        Sagging pants will soon pass. Der riguer for the streets will soon look like the Liberians in wedding dresses, fright wigs, hyped up on coke and palm wine.

        Hope and change baby!!

  8. Super Dave says:

    I’m at a loss for words

  9. Glenn says:

    The sexism is neither clever nor funny. This is 2013. Does the woman in the picture know you’re using her image for your crude attempt at humor? No? I think I’ll track her down and advise her to sue your nuts off. Dolt.

    • It is clever and it is funny.

    • paulwilsonkc says:

      Glenn, I’m sorry if I upset you, this was meant to be satire. As for the girl in the picture, I’m sure she “knows” in some way. She was my wife and that was one of my favorite pictures of her. She was my mentor in satirical writing but I lost her a few years ago. I used that picture in honor of her; I guess I saw her looking down from heaven and being proud of me writing this. It made a small, salty year run down my cheek. I’m so not sexist, just satirical, but I apologize just the same. Have a great day, Glenn.

      • Glen can pizz up a rope.

        • paulwilsonkc says:

          Lt. Uhuru, thanks, but when you step out and do something like this it’s the equivilant of wiring a lightening rod to you beeehind! It doesn’t bother me in the slightest, this place is about people’s opinions and expression of them. Not everyone is going to agree or sing your praises; actually the comments in disagreement are just as interesting.
          Not everyone is as skilled at reading between the lines, which can be even more fun!

          • Trish says:

            She was so beautiful Paul and I hope Glenn “feels your pain”. May she rest in peace knowing that her legacy lives on.

          • paulwilsonkc says:

            Thank you, Trish, and Im so thankful you were there, with her, till the very end. Few people knew her better and Im grateful. I dont blame Glenn, there isn’t a way he could have known. I love him in Gods way, anyway. You define what a true friend is. One of the funniest things she ever said, near the end was, Paul, I want you to be happy, I want to you move on, just please, swear to me, you won’t marry Trish! And, as we can all see, I didnt. Now, that may have more to do with Norman than he final wishes, but it ended, as she wanted, regardless.

        • mike says:

          That is impressive. It is really hard to actually piss up a rope. He should get on “America’s Got Talent” and do that.

          • paulwilsonkc says:

            (I’ve never really understood that phrase…not am I capable of seeing any positive or negative out come. Could it be one of those “it’s cold as hell outside” terms?)

          • mike says:

            I always found a urinal to be more convenient so I never tried pissing up a rope. Oh well. To each his own.

    • mike says:

      I think that tracking down women you see in pictures is a little bit sick myself!

      • paulwilsonkc says:

        Yeah, Mike, some people see it like that. But theres another side to that too. Before I met Chelle, I had started collecting pictures of her I found on the Internet, her FB page, etc.. It wasn’t really sick and twisted as much as I didnt have a lot of art on the walls back then, she’s very pretty, I had a color printer, so I considered it “decoration”.

        Now, some people thought the ones over the altar where I keep some candles was a little odd, but everyone loves candles, for Gods sake!

        Later, I found out she hung out at a local Starbucks so I started getting my coffee there. I mean, I didnt exactly PLAN on being there when she was, maybe it was just by chance. It had nothing to do with her driving by my house, before she knew me, either. I wasnt following her, I just got thirsty and seeing her car go by reminded me; Its time for coffee!

        We ended up meeting, that went well. The first time she came over she acted a little shocked, but I think that was just because I’d done my place up so well. LOTS of great “art” on the walls and she is, after all, an artist! We ended up married, so, my whole point is, dont be so fast to judge someone over wanting to hunt someone down over a picture. Now, maybe doing it to have that person sue someone is in bad taste, I can understand that.

        Regardless, thanks for your kind words. As I said, not everyone can read between the lines or understand satire when its presented to them. And for that, I apologize. If it wasnt for the language or sarcasim Im not sure I could speak.

  10. the dude says:

    Eh, after this last storm the muscles are kinda getting used to the shoveling. I gave two snow blowers away because I figured I could use the workout.

    Funny article wilsun, I liked it.

  11. balbonis moleskine says:

    That girl in the sportsbra looks like my ex, minus the look of boredom and vague contempt.

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