If you’re anything like me—and honestly, there are worse ways to be, I promise—you’re pretty much an abject failure when it comes to gift giving. Oh sure, you have moments of brilliance—something someone was pining for, or something intensely personal that made the gift one of the all-time greats—but those magical moments are few and far between.
My gift giving is mostly composed of, “oh, hey, I saw you watching an episode of Green Acres that one time when it was 3 am and we were drunk, and I KNOW you said it was an awful show, but anyway, I REMEMBERED that, right? And I think I thought you were just saying what you wanted me to hear, and that you ACTUALLY like the show, so anyway… here’s the complete collection on VHS. I ordered it from eBay from a guy in Vancouver. And I’m sorry the tapes themselves reek like American Spirits and guinea pig urine… he was the only seller who had the COMPLETE collection.”
It’s even worse when it’s Valentine’s Day, a terrible Hallmark-generated holiday-bot engineered for the sole purpose of making you look like an asshole, no matter how hard you try.
Chocolates and flowers are boring, and an expensive meal is shat out shortly after consumption, leaving little in the way of long-term memory making. And though this year’s V-Day is safely in the rearview—are the flowers still living, even?—I want you to know that there ARE options. In fact, Craigslist is TEEMING with solutions sure to melt your lover’s panties… and when they DO get melted? Don’t worry… I’m sure you can find some that are “gently used” for a reasonable pittance.
Let’s see what you COULD have given (for free!!!), shall we?
“Free 27″ Panasonic TV. Works well. Do not need it anymore. Sitting on front porch, first come first served.”
Does your lady (or man) like watching television? Do you not HAVE a television already? Or maybe, do you not have one as nice as this 27” not-flat-screen TV that probably weighs 250 pounds? Do you like to get shit off of porches? (because that’s not weird, or anything.) Then HERE YOU GO! But you’d better hurry… I bet this kind of thing goes FAST. I mean… how could it NOT? Christ in a handcart!
“I have HUNDREDS of CD’s that have collected over the years, and I don’t really need them sitting around anymore!
Would you like to use them for an art project?
Maybe an interesting wall piece, or a mobile, or “ceiling tiles” look?
Do you want to listen to some new (or old) music, or use some random software installation discs?
Really, you could use them for ANYTHING! Come take them off my hands!
Um, I really don’t know that I have anything to add to this one. It’s seriously a BUCKET OF COMPACT DISCS. Holy shit. Seriously. Look at that picture! Have you ever wondered what a BUCKET FULL OF CD’s looked like? I have, and now I know. So… I guess if your lady is really into shiny shit (maybe she’s developmentally disabled?) this would be a BADASS gift. Glue them to your car! Make a SUIT out of them! Listen to THOUSANDS OF HOURS OF MUSIC that someone else used to like! The possibilities are endless… you know, supposing they ever begin.
Free Hot Tube (Lees Summit)
“Free 8 person Hot Tube, you pick-up and take away. Worked when I got it in November of 2012 and it was used then, the wood frame starte falling apart when I moved it just need to be put back together easy fix if you know how to use a saw and cut some new wood, just let me know if you want it.”
Okay… wait. Hot tube? Do they mean hot TUB? This is SO confusing! Wait—I’m just getting word that Smartman has claimed this for resuscitation purposes. Sorry, ladies!
“Orange Chair missing cushion. Been outside on back deck for one month. Does not appear to have any mold or weather damage.”
This is a GREAT gift for the special lady in your life who likes to rest, but HATES sitting on cushions. Do you know anyone like that? If so, you’re welcome.
“2 free TVs. Not sure if they work, but I do not think they work. Just want them gone.”
Remember earlier? The post about the nice porch-tv that was free for the taking? Well, suppose your gal may or may NOT like to watch television… this is a GREAT DEAL, because these televisions may not even work! So if your princess says things like, “I like the idea of MAYBE watching TV, but I also like the idea of maybe not being able to,” sweet baby Jesus is this the perfect gift.
“Powers on but when you stand on it it does not move.
At end of driveway. No need to knock just take it.
I will take inside tonight.”
This is the perfect gift to give someone who you want to THINK you think is fat, but you don’t REALLY think they need to lose any weight—you just want to harm them emotionally. Ladies and gentlemen: a broken treadmill. But watch out—it may have been taken inside tonight. If it’s not on the lawn, I’d suggest just going into the house, Romeo; you’ve got a significant other to confuse.
“Two free used toliet both pulled from a working environment. I don’t know the age. Both have a 12 inch rough in. Other than that, that’s all I know. Please don’t bombarded me with a bunch of questions, they are free if you want them. If not they’ll go to goodwill.
Email me with the address and the first one to show gets them.”
Remember that Saturday Night Live commercial parody about the Lovers’ Toilet, or whatever? Where you shit back-to-back? (or maybe it was side-to-side?) YOU CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN. FOR FREE. But look, do NOT bombarded the seller with questions, okay? As much as you might want to.
What is the age on these toilets?
Can you even shit in these things?
12 INCH ROUGH IN?
DON’T ASK, ASSHOLE. Either you want them, or you don’t. Happy shitting.
“Have some gasoline, from a generator. Probably a couple of years old. Generator ran fine. Just didn’t want to risk old gas, when I needed the generator. Sitting by the street. No need to knock. Will take ad down, when I see that it is gone.”
Everyone needs to get somewhere, and times are tight. Your lady probably has a job. She probably has to fill up. Again, times are tight. Enter “free, old gas.” Her ’83 Nissan Sentra has probably seen worse, I promise. Nothing says, “I love you, honey,” like topping off her tank. With old gas.
3 story Barbie doll house=100% free (kansas city )
“As a single mom all i want for my daughter is happiness.. now she’s too old for this dollhouse I’m willing to give this to a mom who have a daughter who likes to have a dollhouse, you can pick up anytime tommorow email me”
This is fucking heart-breakingly sweet and I have nothing snarky to say about it. Jesus.
“Just had a Sweetgum tree cut down. Solid wood. Needs to be split. Come over and get it.
Will have two more trees cut down in the next couple weeks.
Okay, so it’s not a great GIFT, per se, but nothing sets the mood like a nice, romantical fire to get your lady’s sweetsauces boiling, right? And if you want the hot-sauce, nothing works better than “sweetgum” wood. (Maybe. I don’t know. What in the fuck is a “sweetgum” tree? Sounds AMAZING.) Anyway, bring your axe. And be prepared to have a weird conversation with someone about the merits of the sweetgum tree. I mean, it’s not specifically STATED, but it’s clearly intoned, right? This “giver” can (and will) bend your ear about sweetgum. Look out.
“Tags still attached. Bought last year to give to our neighbor, but ended up giving her something else. Non-smoking home. We do have a dog, but this has been sitting in a bag in our closet for the past year. First come first serve- will not hold so please don’t contact me unless you can be on your way. Will NOT deliver. Located in North Overland Park, KS near Johnson Dr. and Antioch. Will remove ad when gone, so no need to ask if I still have it.”
We’ll close it out with this, because, HOLY SHIT, here’s a FOR REAL thing that someone is offering on Craigslist that is meant specifically as a Valentine’s Day gift (that was originally intended for the “neighbor.” Huh? Okay.) I mean… there it is. A stuffed dog, crotch-fucking a heart. And it looks like maybe the heart opens?? (hide some weed in that shit, son!) But, yeah. If you ACTUALLY pick this thing up, I’d caution AGAINST telling your wife/girlfriend/mistress that you got it for free on Craigslist. Seriously. That’s the kind of shit that gets a dude’s dick chopped off after he passes out from huffing too much (free, old) gasoline.
So there we go. You’re welcome. Remember, Easter is a month or so away. Does your child like broken televisions and/or free firewood? Because I might have the perfect solution.
Until then, visit me on Twitter, @StanfordWhistle.