Look, I don’t know where Craig Glazer is and you don’t know where Glazer is, and maybe that’s just the way things are going to be. (You know, unless you believe D.S. Whinery’s awfully fishy sounding piece from earlier.)
The last I heard from him, he was leaving me a choppy, frantic sounding voicemail, and all I could really make out was something about the Brooklyn Dodgers, space aliens, Totino’s frozen “Party Pizzas,” and a dead Panamanian hooker in the trunk of his rented Ford Festiva. It cut off abruptly, and, because he has a habit of calling from throwaway, Cricket Wireless phones, I was unable to call him back.
Circle of life, I suppose.
And while whether or not his 25 weekly contributions to the site will be missed seems to be a hotly debated topic, there is no debating Craig Glazer’s greatest contribution to the entirety of the internet: his football picks.
If you happened to perchance across anything he had written in the last five months or so, you’ll know unequivocally that he is the greatest gambler in the history sports betting. On the season– before his secret and sudden departure– he had gone somewhere in the neighborhood of 130-10. And because he was fond of “teasing” his bets (whatever that means), he had ACTUALLY gone a perfect 225-0.
As Craig himself would so eloquently articulate, “suck it, haters… Lotus… stripper tits.”
But alas, I am not Glazer. My working knowledge of gambling begins and ends with the lyrics to Kenny Rogers’ greatest hit. Outside of wholesome high school girlfriends from days gone by, I don’t know how “teasing” works, and I only recently figured out what a “line” meant. I am 31 years old.
But these are all just excuses and excuses are like anuses (anii?) and we all have them and they all don’t smell very good unless they’re freshly scrubbed.
There are two games tomorrow, two VERY IMPORTANT GAMES that will decide which teams make it to the Super Bowl, and which teams we won’t remember having had played in the conference championships within three weeks. (It will take another three weeks to forget who lost the Super Bowl, and approximately eight MORE weeks to forget who won. This is because of terrible television shows like “Honey Boo Boo” and “Swamp Brides” and because our brains are old and slowly rotting.)
So here’s how I see these games playing out.
We all know about the Falcons playoff struggles under the reign of quarterback Matt Ryan. They’re well documented and have been beaten to death by nearly everyone in sports media. If you think I’m making the case that, after last week’s squeaker against Seattle they are cured, however, you are wrong. The monkey is most certainly NOT off their back. They barely outplayed the Seahawks, at home, in Atlanta. The defense struggled to keep up with the comically feisty Russell Wilson and, for reasons we will never understand (perhaps God is a big Coca Cola drinker), he spared the Birds so that they could play another day.
HOWEVER, this very same Seahawks team obliterated the 49ers about a month ago, 42-13. And while a team can evolve a decent bit over that period of time, Niner’s quarterback Colin Kaepernick will NOT have the video game style sickness that he had last week against the Packers. It’s simply impossible. He’ll likely settle into some sort of middle ground, making a handful of plays that astound you, but also making a couple of mistakes that a rookie quarterback who has only started EIGHT GAMES in the NFL is apt to make.
It will be a close one, and a shootout, but in the end, I think Matt Ryan, and TONY GONZALEZ! and a loud-ass home crowd make all the difference.
Atlanta 31, San Francisco 28
Baltimore Ravens at New England Patriots (-8)
Here’s the blowout.
Tom Brady is the greatest quarterback of his generation, Bill Belichick is the greatest coach of his generation and, when everything matters, no matter how out of sorts they may have appeared earlier in the season, they always seem to magically morph into an unstoppable juggernaut that simply gets shit done in January.
As a Kansas City sports fan who suffers through abject misery year after year, I hate this. I HATE perennial winners because I am petty, and I can’t stand to see other franchises succeed so frequently and so thoroughly. But I digress.
The Ravens are good, but not great. Quarterback Joe Flacco—despite what he’d like you to believe—will NEVER be elite, and, like Kaepernick, will not duplicate last week’s impressive showing. He was playing above his head, almost guaranteeing that he’s more than due for a 17 for 43 type of effort with NOT the three TDs he threw against the Broncos, and perhaps a rogue turnover along the way.
And, although it feels like I’ve been saying it for years now, this defense is finally, officially old. I mean seriously, can you believe it has been THIRTEEN YEARS since linebacker Ray Lewis murdered two dudes??? Time flies when you’re making millions and not in prison, I guess.
Anyway, I think the Patriots steamroll the Ravens, sending Lewis off in less-than-memorable fashion. (And Ed Reed too? Probably Ed Reed, too.)
New England 38, Baltimore 17
Come make fun of me and my picks on Twitter, @StanfordWhistle.