Leftridge: Chiefs Formally Introduce New Walrus ‘Stached Overlord

reidfaceDepending on who you ask—and possibly what kind of mood they’re in at that given moment—the Chiefs’ hiring of head coach Andy Reid was either a brilliant move by a sinking ship or a stupid move by that very same goddamned sinking ship.

And then there are those still who take a middle ground, congenial fence-sitters who say things like, “Well, we’ll just have to see, won’t we?” And while this may be an unsatisfying position to take—particularly amongst those who choose to expound their views for public consumption—it is the right one, and I am one of those pussy-footed folks who prefer to take a seat far away from Oceans of Fun’s wave pool.

Simply put, I am not a football genius and I do not know what the Reid hiring will mean in the grand scheme of things. Nobody does, really, no matter their list of accolades, no matter the vibrancy of the pinstriped suit they choose to wear on Sunday morning gridiron roundtables.

Here are some thoughts I have, however, in no particular order of importance.

redichiefs1) Andy Reid has a proven track record of being a good coach. Oh sure, he’s not without his faults. His utilization of the running game is inconsistent. His clock management is, at times, abysmal. He’s coming off a spate of poor seasons. He can’t seem to win without Donovan McNabb. His family is full of drug abusing crazy people. He has never won a Super Bowl. BUT!!!

He DOES know how to win. Under Reid, the Eagles made nine playoff appearances to KC’s three. He won TEN PLAYOFF GAMES over that period, to the Chiefs’… none. He was 130-93-1 in 14 seasons and the Chiefs? Well… remember when they had Trent Green and Priest Holmes?? That was a good time, wasn’t it?!

2) So long Pioli. Though it means we will never perchance to see the opening of his crappy Italian restaurant—Aglio Piolio’s—it also means we will never again be subjected to his poor draft picks, maddening tyranny of ineptitude, or general aura of assholishness. Look, Scott might be a decent guy, and he might even end up being a great general manger someday, but it became very clear some time ago that 2012 in Kansas City was neither the time nor the place. His termination was clearly the greatest result of Reid’s hiring, no

Get John Dorsey, please

Get John Dorsey, please

matter what fortunes the future may bring. Speaking of bringing:

3) Reid brings a whole bunch of new faces. Though he’ll ultimately be in charge of a majority of the executive decisions—as he was in Philly—he’ll round out his cast with a new general manager and new coaching personnel. Green Bay Packers personnel man John Dorsey is supposedly amongst those in consideration for Pioli’s old spot, as is recently axed Cleveland Browns GM Tom Heckert (who Reid worked with in Philadelphia). It has also been rumored that he’ll attempt to wrangle Black Monday’d Brown’s coach Pat Shurmur (again, the pair worked in Philadelphia during Reid’s greatest period of success) and former Minnesota Vikings’ head coach (and last year’s Browns’ offensive coordinator) Brad Childress.

Are we sensing a pattern, yet? BROWNS BROWNS BROWNS BROWNS.

And yeah, that’s a touch discouraging, given Cleveland’s recent (oh, who are we kidding? ETERNAL) struggles, but let us not forget, these guys have won before—with Reid.

And there’s definitely something to be said for a fresh start. Tom Coughlin used to coach the Jacksonville Jaguars. Bill Belichick coached the Browns. Pete Carroll seems to be back on track in Seattle after being fired in both New York and New England. John Fox led the Carolina Panthers to the Super Bowl in 2003 before being mostly awful for the next several seasons. He has since led the Denver Broncos to back-to-back AFC West wins.

So it would seem that a change of scenery provides quite the rejuvenation at times.

But so does:

4) A Quarterback. The Chiefs don’t have one, period. And, because God laughs at a city full of rubes keen on a 2-mile streetcar and an affinity for something as useless as fountains, he stuck the team and their fans with a number one pick in a year in which there really ISN’T a viable, sure-fire, can’t miss, number one quarterback prospect. So they’re stuck with Matt Cassel, a Pioli product of ill skill. (Brady Quinn—who proved soundly that he is NOT an NFL caliber QB is a free agent, and the less said about Ricky Stanzi, well, Ricky’s got pretty hair.)

See, a shiny new head coach and his feisty new GM are fantastic, but if history has proven nothing else, it’s that a team without a quarterback will NEVER win consistently. (And you dissenters can take your Trent Dilfer and shove him up your lotto-winning, struck-by-lightning-twice asses; he is a great exception and not the rule).

Coughlin found his Eli. Belichick found his Brady. Carroll found his Russell Wilson and John Fox found Eli’s big brother. And surprise, surprise, they’re all working wonders.

Get Alex Smith, please.

Get Alex Smith, please.

Andy Reid can’t throw the ball downfield, no matter HOW comedic his attempt might be. Nor can John Dorsey or Tom Heckert or Pat Shurmur or Brad Childress. Therefore, I am of the firm belief that without a real solution at quarterback—no matter how spectacular the suits and whistles may be—this team is destined for continued failure.

So bring in your Alex Smith’s or Matt Flynn’s. Give me your tired, huddled masses of Kirk Cousins’. And if all else fails, why don’t we see what in the hell McNabb is up to?

Can’t be any worse than Cassel.


Follow me on Twitter @StanfordWhistle.




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32 Responses to Leftridge: Chiefs Formally Introduce New Walrus ‘Stached Overlord

  1. Super Dave says:

    He is The Walrus Coo Coo Ca Choo

  2. Super Dave says:

    Todays letter is A, and used in a word we have, assholishness.

    Brandon has a way with not commonly used words, as to knowingly just where and when to use them.

  3. harley says:

    lefty….same stuff we find in other media…just lifted…
    you started off saying you’re not a football genius (obvious)
    you started offsaying you don’t know whatthe new coaches hiring means (obvious)..
    so let the people who know sports tell us aboutthem…
    stick to what you do best lefty…satire…craigslist funnies….etc..and leave
    the sports to someone else.
    It’s like you going to a job interview and before it starts you say…”i don’t
    know anything about this job…or what you do…but hire me”…epic fail…
    glaze…kk….greg hall…they know sports..
    focus on one thing and do it well…
    and the comment about the quarterbacks is purely wrong…theres a ton
    of luck involved in finding a quarterback like brady…or having one as
    successfu l as the mannings…or one year wonders like wilson (how many
    one year wonderful qb’s have been in the nfl….hundreds…..)…so lefty
    before you venture into unknown terriotory…think twice.
    you’ve had a nice roll…stick to the stuff you do well…

    • Excellent points, Harley. My sincerest apologies.

      • harley says:

        thanks lefty…stay with what yu do well..
        and as far as being lucky to get a qb who lasts…look what
        just happened to rg3….probably out for 2013 season…
        not only do you have to be able to find the right college
        qb…you need luck (bad pun) or lack of luck as in what
        happened to redskins. you just never know with a qb…..

      • Super Dave says:

        Ignore harley Brandon you’re doing just fine.

        • Thanks, Dave, but I will not REST until I have Harley’s full approval. Until then, everything I write– all of it– is a complete waste of time.

          (God I hope he likes this comment, God I hope he likes this comment, God I hope he likes this comment)

    • chuck says:

      Lefty’s commentary on the hiring of Andy Reid is a cursory overview of same that has been parroted by most of the local and national sports media over the last 5 days.

      Lefty couches his comments in humor and as he has said, is making no “Sell the Farm” predictions on the hire at this point.

      “…and the comment about the quarterbacks is purely wrong…theres a ton
      of luck involved in finding a quarterback like brady…or having one as
      successfu l as the mannings…”

      That is Gary Lezak telling us it will get cold this winter.

      Lefty is funny.

      Where is Glaze on this most pressing football matter?

      While his personal life and activities draw some fire, his football knowledge is excellent, by way of proximity (“I’m goin to Vegas!!!”) and study (His takes on the upcoming draft are already pretty intriguing.).

      What say you Glaze?

      Halrey’s critique’s on Lefty’s column ain’t exactly Ben johnson on Shakespeare.

      Harley has Shakespeare taking Akili Smith in the first round, passing over Achilles. Hoplite’s jump to attention and tendons snap throughout the Greek camp as Hector drags this forlorn Duck around Trojan walls. “Troilus and Cressida” is ruined. Hector and his new best friend, Achilles promote Persian immigration.

      Glaze, jealous of your absence, we seek you comments throughout the camp.

      First pick?

      Draft or Free Agent QB?

      • Super Dave says:

        Come on Hearne time to go public so guys like chuck know the score.

      • This is an absolutely terrible year for QBs.

        Draft is weak, as is free agent crop. Joe Flacco? Drew Stanton? REX GROSSMAN!

        They need to either trade for Alex Smith, or… it’s “hello Jason Campbell.”

        • chuck says:

          Glaze mentioned the kid outta Arkansas. TYLER Wilson. I never got to see him play, but…

          That way if we lose Albert, they will get the big tacle in the first round and Wilson later…..?


          • No on Wilson. Not with the first overall pick, anyway. You could always move down to take him, but he won’t last past the middle of the 1st round. Same w/ Geno Smith. If you were going to take one, I’d still go with Smith, though. Better consistency, everything else is fairly equal.

      • harley says:

        chuck do you have the glazes sheet stains on your nose you old old fart

          • harley says:

            damn chuck your suck an old fart. let me spel it for ya old chuck. do you have the glazes SHIT stains on your nose you fricking jack o

          • harley says:

            chuckles…i did not write these comments.
            the ones at 1:23 and 1:32 were not written
            by the real harley.
            I may be a critic but those comments are
            not cool.
            whoever wrote them needs to stop….its
            happened before and while i may be
            agressive…i dind’t write that crap.
            i aplogize for the idiots who wrote that stuff.
            i wish hearne would delete it.
            the real harley

          • harley says:

            LET ME REITERATE…..
            AND IT’S WRONG.
            CHUCK…WE ARGUE ON
            STUFF UP.

            the REALHARLEY

          • mike says:

            Harley, if there are 3 of you as you stated when you graded everybody, what is the real you? That is hard to substantiate if there are more than one of you to begin with.

  4. paulwilsonkc says:

    Happy New Year! And yes, he’s baaaaack!

    Chelle lost her Dad Christmas day so we have been building FF miles between MCI and SAT since Thanksgiving. I came back a couple days ago; she stayed till last night sorting out estate issues for her mom.

    Brandon, I really enjoy your stories while being a complete sports agnostic! I read them for entertainment value alone and they are great! While I have client relationships at the highest level of local college and pro ball, I myself barely know what season it is!

    If you go back and look at one of Glazes latest stories on the Chiefs, I accurately predicted Romeo would go within a week of the season’s end, Pioli within another week and I was totally correct. There were those who claimed Pioli’s relationship with the Hunts, Clark’s relationship with the Kraft family, Pioli’s relationship with the Kraft’s or the triad of all involved would keep that from happening. Come to find out, not that or a pile of mac and cheese would stand in the way of what was destined to happen and I’ll accept the WIN on that one!

    I watched with amazement as Clarks plane landed downtown and the metro was treated to a replay of the OJ slow speed chase all the way to Arrowhead! What is it with this town and the level of seriousness given their football??

    While this was the focus of Camerohead fans, my church raised $1.3 million over 5 nights of Christmas Eve Candlelight services that is given, 100%, to needs in Africa and to 6 Kansas City inner city schools we adopt! And by given, I mean 100% of the money is given away! The schools remodeled, playgrounds rehabbed, libraries replaced, PTO’s funded and backpack food programs put in place and maintained! Then mentors are put in place to keep it all going!

    I bet even Reid hasn’t even seen this level of football love in his past, as evidenced by the look on his face at the mass of cameras waiting at the door of the Capital Grill as he just tried to go to dinner!! Priorities, people…….

    • “What is it with this town and the level of seriousness given their football?”

      Obviously we know how crazy this town is about football– been that way for years– but yeah, I was actually pretty surprised at the media fiasco for a coach. I think if they would have landed Manning this past offseason, the whole city might have exploded into a cloud of BBQ sauce and affordable tract housing.

    • chuck says:

      Hail and well met Paul!

      Good to see ya back.

  5. tiad says:

    Great goddamned article, Brandon. I didn’t goddamn read past the first goddamned paragraph.

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