So here we are, yet again. Another year has shed its skin, and along with it, all of the nastiness and strife has been washed away. We are ready to be born anew into the healthy optimism of an entirely new existence. And although nothing has changed but the turn of a calendar page (as if anyone anywhere actually USES a paper calendar anymore), the slate has been wiped clean. The blood you spilled and the tears you shed in 2012 are but a distant, hazy memory; the frozen burritos you ate naked in the kitchen at 3am are expunged from your record. You are a new person and you are absolved of any prior guilt.
And to this end, you must celebrate.
You’re too old (or smart) for the Power and Light however, and due to budgetary concerns, renting a tuxedo for something a little more opulent is out of the question.
And so you’ll host a party.
But to ensure that your party is a hit, you need some help.
To this end, please enjoy “Brandon’s Awesomely Lavish List of Spectacular Party Ideas for the Eve,” or “BALLS PIE,” if you will.
Without question, a very important party consideration is food. People like to eat. In fact, it has been reported in some scientific communities that people NEED to eat, even. Therefore, you want to feed your party guests. If you don’t, they may die, and unless you’re hoping to capture a truly magical Weekend at Bernie’s type of evening full of guffaws and madcap hilarity, you probably don’t want dead party guests.
Eating at a party is a delicate balance unlike eating a normal meal at home, or even a meal at a restaurant. There will be dancing, and movement, so things covered in gravy are a recipe for disaster. Here are some things NOT to serve at your party:
- Chicken fried steak
- Beef Wellington
- Elaborate casseroles
- A whole goose
- Roast chicken
- Rice Pilaf
- Other Pilaf
A good rule of thumb might be, “if a knife and fork need be deployed for consumption, cast the sustenance aside!” Instead, think of things that people can “eat on the go.” Portable provisions are a fine idea, and the options are virtually limitless. Consider:
- Pizza (cheese, sausage, pepperoni, NO VEGGIE OPTION)
- Chicken wings (with bones in them, not the pussy kind)
- Clams Casino
- De-pooped shrimp
- Doritos (multiple flavors)
- Hot Pockets (again, multiple flavors)
- Cheese Nuggets (this is probably a thing)
- Corn, cobbed (be sure to provide butter!)
- Whole fruits (apples, bananas, kiwis, pears)
- Meatball grinders (from Mario’s)
- Salmon (fresh only. Or canned. Fresh or canned only)
- More Doritos (everyone loves Doritos)
- Other kinds of chips (everyone loves other kinds of chips, too.)
So your guests are full, their stomachs swimming in the inequity that you’ve prescribed, and now it’s time to drink. After all, what good is a belly-full of slop without the lubrication that will later promote gratuitous regurgitation? Enter Johnny Booze. Now, there are three different routes to take when it comes to libations: the uber-classy approach, the hilariously lowbrow offering, or some sinister combination of the two.
I’d suggest just visiting the liquor store and filling a shopping cart WITHOUT spending $100. That kind of scratch can get you a lot, really, as long as you’re not buying champagne. In fact: DON’T BUY CHAMPAGNE. It’s a sham. And people don’t really like champagne. They just say they do so you won’t think they’re a dirt bag. Newsflash: you already know they’re a dirt bag. So can the pretense and pick up some of the following:
- Hamms cans (for your hipster friends)
- Michelob Light (for your mom’s boyfriend)
- Tecate (for any Mexicans that might show up, and hipsters)
- Tsing Tao (for wealthy Asian businessmen)
- Mad Dog 20/20 (multiple flavors)
- Boone’s Farm (Strawberry only)
- Egg Nog (just because it’s nog season)
- Bartles and James (LOLZ- remember the 80’s?!)
- Wild Irish Rose (this will make your guests very, very violent)
- Purple Passion (holy shit, do they still make this?!)
- Aftershock (for all of the sexy teens who might show up)
- Goldschlager (mix it with the Aftershock for a Shockschlager, then die)
- Root beer schnapps (for anyone who might be drinking for the first time)
See? That wasn’t that hard. So now everyone is sauced and ready to get loose. You need tunes! The traditional route would be to tune your boombox to a local radio station or your cable television to the “Music Choice” channel. But if you want to really make the night special, steal your little sister’s iPod and program a playlist that’ll have the dudes bopping and the gals hopping. (That means they’ll be dancing. Or fucking. I’m not sure.) Here are some suggestions of what people like to listen to when they’re fuckdancing.
- Anything by The Doors (especially anything where Jim Morrison rambles incoherently about coyotes or the desert or whatever for like, 25 minutes)
- Anything by Lou Bega (or, you can just play “Mambo No. 5” for an hour straight until everyone wants to kill themselves.)
- Jock Jamz Vol. 3
- Led Zeppelin’s first three albums
- Anything by Tom Waits
- The Beastie Boys entire catalogue
- Jeff Buckley (for when the night is winding down and everyone is crying and/or has puked)
- Early 80’s rap, before it got scary (Slick Rick, Doug E. Fresh, Grandmaster Flash, Kool Moe Dee)
- Actual Kool Moe Dee performing live (if you’ve got $325 to shell out)
- Boston, Kansas, Alabama, or Black Oak Arkansas (for your dad)
- Steve Winwood (for your mom)
- Paul Revere and the Raiders (only the “Cherokee” song, though—it’ll terrify the shit out of everyone.)
- Anything by Connie Francis or Skeeter Davis
- Motorhead (if you want THAT kind of party)
- Ween (if everyone at the party is huffing VCR head-cleaner.)
- Wesley Willis (if it’s the kind of party where people might enjoy songs called “Suck a Cheetah’s Dick” or “I Whooped Batman’s Ass” performed by a large, [dead] schizophrenic black man.)
- One Direction (I don’t know what they are, but I’ve heard the young ladies love them. One Direction+Shockschlager=You Getting Laid)
And there you have it, folks. The essential ingredients for one kick-ass New Year’s Eve bash. You’ve got your food, you’ve got your drink, and you’ve got music guaranteed to encourage a lot of animalistic fuckdancing. That’s really all you need. And if anyone suggests a board game like Monopoly or Twister or Pictionary? Kick them out. You don’t want those kinds of assholes at your party.
Perhaps most importantly, I wish you all a happy, SAFE New Year’s Eve. Don’t drink and drive and you probably also shouldn’t ACTUALLY listen to anything I wrote prior to this. Sorry about that.
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