Perhaps you’ve been ostracized from your immediate family because last year, you had too much Mad Dog and you stood up and pooped in the middle of the dinner table. Maybe you were orphaned after your parents perished in a hot-air ballooning accident. It could be that you just got out of prison for some poor music pirating decisions and you find yourself alone in a cold, cruel world that refuses to remember you for the man you once were.
The bottom line is, it’s Thanksgiving, and you’ve got nowhere to go.
I’m sorry, I truly am. Unlike the summer months, you cannot spend your days ogling the scantily clad people at the community swimming pool; the holiday season is a bad time to be an outcast.
Look, I’d invite you to my gathering—the one with the beautifully roasted, steroid-infused Frankenturkey, the free-flowing wine and the familial fellowship—but I don’t know you. To me, you’re a random internet reader, (one who’s alone on thanksgiving, no less) and I don’t trust that you won’t axe-murder me and my family after we’re all sluggish from the 3 kinds of pie.
Therefore, I’d like to make a suggestion: rather than wallowing in your own misery, angry and despondent at a world that has scorned you, make your own Thanksgiving feast.
And no, one needn’t prepare a 15 pound fowl with all the accoutrements—you’re a single weirdo, for Pilgrims’ sake—but turkey is practically a legal requirement, I think. And because you’re “frugal,” and you have “the taste buds of a rail-car rider who has spent the last 30 years dining on discarded pizza crusts and expired medications,” you have a very simple, very wonderful option: the frozen turkey TV dinner from Banquet.
I’m not going to lie: I love these things. I grew up eating them and the only reason I don’t eat them now is that I forget to pick them up when I’m at the store (and because of science and health—I do not buy them for science and health reasons).
Oh sure, each remarkably small serving contains a January sidewalk’s worth of salt, and there really isn’t much of a discernible taste between the turkey, the stuffing (croutons), mashed potatoes and peas, but there’s something magical about the bland offering that transcends normality and plunges you deftly into the realm of deliciousness. Oh, AND they’re usually somewhere between $0.99 and $1.09. You can buy two of these beauties, a 5th of Wild Irish Rose and forget that nobody loves you for less than $6.00.
Remember, holiday memories are what you make them. Who needs a family when you’ve got Banquet? Nobody, that’s who.
Happy Thanksgiving, KCConfidential. You’re the best in the biz.
If you need company on your lonely holiday, come see me on Twitter: @StanfordWhistle