Leftridge: Google Fiber Fails Downtown Core

Click to enlarge. Seriously.

First, this: Never has Kansas City’s cultural/economic divide been so colorfully illustrated than with Google Fiber’s map of the “Haves and Have-nots.” Look at that line! The greens are in—they’ve had enough Fiber pre-registrants that they now count as “Fiberhoods,” or something. The yellow—the color of sour milk, a giraffe’s tears (I made that one up) and psychiatric hospital walls—covers the east side like a fine, urine soaked blanket.

It’s not like I’m SURPRISED, really, but… wow.

Look at that perfect line!

Now, this: There are a few spots of mustard sprinkled throughout the green-zone, places where people just don’t like the internet (not true) or are too poor to afford Google’s $300 one-time installment fee (waived if you sign up for a year of service!). I, my friends, live in one of those sad, depressing “Fiberhoods” masquerading as a regular-ass, lame-duck neighborhood.

And this sucks.

See, I’m in the Crossroads, just north of Crown Center, and just south of the Business District and Quality Hill. All four of those neighborhoods? Dog-piss in the lettuce patch.

The problem is, a majority of these neighborhoods are teeming with folks living in apartments and lofts. And the problem with that is, until the past week or so, most of us apartment and loft dwellers couldn’t register. Here’s Google’s explanation:

“The reason is because collecting addresses for these buildings—also called Multiple Dwelling Units (MDUs)—isn’t completely automated, and sometimes we don’t get the right apartment numbers. The process to fix this has been long and painful. We’re making great progress though, and we thought you should know what’s going on. Since pre-registration opened on July 26th, we’ve been verifying residential addresses reported to us via customer support or website address reviews. So far we’ve been able to resolve over half of the open questions from MDUs and single family homes. The remaining addresses, mainly in MDUs, required a deeper level of verification. In order to confirm these, we’ve been contacting property owners and managers.”

Translation: Blah, blah, blah, we clearly didn’t think this thing through.

And it shows.

I live in a gigantic building with hundreds and hundreds of other white, entitled douchebags (and successful young professionals) who’d love nothing MORE than to wrest control away from the twat-tastic Empire of Suck that is Time Warner Cable and instead give their hard earned money to Google.

But Google won’t let us.

Oh, they’re working on it, but as-of August 23rd, my neighborhood still needs 28 more people.

Also: Google has stated that installation will begin shortly after the registration deadline of September 9, and the folks that get it first are the people who “want it the most!” So congratulations Greenway Fields, Wornall Homestead and a bunch of other neighborhoods that may or may not even be real (note: I know they’re real), you only needed like, 10 people to register, you had that on day one, so you’re getting it first! Yay!!! (weird, creepy whisper) SO HAPPY FOR YOU.

Meanwhile, IF we get the SuperFiber at all (and I’m sure we will, BUT WE’RE CUTTING IT CLOSE, NEIGHBORS), we likely won’t have it installed until sometime in December.

I can live that long, I know I can.

Rainbow Rabbit

I didn’t have the internet until I moved out of my parents’ house and started living with my buddy Kevin. And even then, Kevin kept his computer in his room, so I had to sneak in there while he was at work in order to look at porn and steal songs from Napster.

But now that I have my own place (well, a place that I share with my wife), my own computer, and I know that I can be watching even MORE porn and stealing even better music, ALL AT 1000 TIMES THE REGULAR SPEED? I need this yesterday.

Thanks, Google. Thanks for NOTHING.

(awesome Google Fiber Rabbit courtesy of designer Shane Griffin)

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28 Responses to Leftridge: Google Fiber Fails Downtown Core

  1. chuck says:

    “Are we there yet dad?”

    “NO!!! Sit back in your seats and be QUIET!!”

    Jesus Lefty, you sound like my kids used to. :)

    Christmas will be here before you know it.

    “QUIT SHAKIN THOSE PACKAGES!!!”

    • Brandon Leftridge says:

      IMPORTANT BREAKING NEWS: We’re good. I woke up this morning, we needed eight more, and we got it. Hearne was apparently out Fiat’ing around town and didn’t get a chance to publish this before the news became official.

      NEVER FEAR, Lefty gets his super-speed sexy-movies.

  2. Rick Nichols says:

    At this point I’m interested in Google only if they can somehow do a search and find some rain for us. At any rate, this company should never be looked upon as some sort of potential economic savior for the Kansas City area. The number of jobs they’re creating here is minimal.

    • Super Dave says:

      But Rick was never about the jobs it was always about the speed of the internet you would get.

      • chuck says:

        I am far from a computer mensch, but I went to one of the Google deals at The Well and there were business people there (I didn’t ask what they did.) and they were giddy.

        If your business was WAY paper heavy (Legal, Scientific, Hospitals, Schools etc.), wouldn’t it be an advantage to have those places of business in KC with Google?

  3. smartman says:

    The google tv package is shit. Only about 10% of residential users will notice a substantial difference. Google is to making your Internet experience better what Enzyte is to making your dick bigger. Somewhere though, Bob is smilin. Better to get fucked by the Google bunny than the Time Warner Road Runner I guess.

    • Brandon Leftridge says:

      I’m a little miffed due to the channel lineup- no Royals games, no FX, no AMC- but they claim they’re “always adding more!” I’d assume those are three channels they’ll be looking aggressively to add.

      • Super Dave says:

        Time will tell on what Goggle will have to offer. I am sorry but in the end I can’t see how their TV will be all that much cheaper than the rest in the long run. I mean I bet everyone out there is paying about the same price for what ever shows they have to offer the customer.

      • smartman says:

        Prisoners in jail have access to more channels than Google will offer. And unless you are a ravenous online gamer, downloader of copious amounts of music or video or need to transfer large files quickly to the Chinese or Russian governments you won’t notice a difference in speed. Don’t waste your money.

        • Brandon Leftridge says:

          No waste– it’s $20 more a month, and I think that will MORE than make up for the slow download times on things like 4 minute youtube videos, more than occasional service interruptions, and the previously alluded to shitty customer service… At least that’s what I’m banking on. Time Warner really sucks, but in my building, they’re the only option.

  4. the dude says:

    No Walter White and no Don Draper means no dolla from this dude.

  5. Mark X says:

    …. hmmmm… looks like redlin’ to me

  6. Super Dave says:

    If Google wants to really make a huge impact in KC internet then my suggestion to them is to do it in the area of customer service. TWC is known for making you wait a week or more for a service call and I will admit my provider as well can be a week sometimes. So in todays market outside of a damaging storm 7 plus days for a service call is unexcusable.

  7. bschloz says:

    Google….sure sign me up!
    Neighborhood Pods ? Are you kidding me. What a weak roll out.
    TWC is tough Comp ATT is tough Comp… I doubt GOOG is going to give you FREE 6 MB for life– they will chip away like they all do.
    Thought Google going to turn Wyandotte Cty into a digital hotbed?
    Now they are signing up the Metro area 10 people at a time

    • Brandon Leftridge says:

      I agree with the strange rollout… I think they’re really just trying to test the waters. If this works here– which I’m sure it will on most levels– this is going to be HUGE for the digital landscape of the whole country. Re: the free service, they DO offer it– Up to 5Mbps download, 1Mbps upload speed, free for life with the one-time installation fee of $300.

      I really don’t know about ATT, but I don’t think Time Warner poses ANY kind of competition once the ball gets rolling. They’re doomed. They started a campaign today trying to hype some sort of ULTRA-HIGH SPEED-SUPERNET! or something. Huh? They called everyone I know. Seriously. I’d feel bad for them if they weren’t so awful.

  8. katie s. says:

    You likely won’t have it until well after December. KCK hookups start in September since they’re the city that was initially granted the opportunity. The Fiber website says KCMO installation won’t start until early 2013.

  9. Lee says:

    Please come to Mission Hills, Prairie Village and Leawood where all the rich white folks live and want high speed. We will all sign up.

    • Brandon Leftridge says:

      If I’m not mistaken, JOCO is the next stop. I think it’s liable to spread pretty quickly. FIBER FEVER. Catch it!

    • Andrew says:

      I’m rich, white, and in Brookside, and I’m getting it long before JoCo. I point this out only because it sure has been funny listening to lame suburbanites cry and wail about not being included in something that they were never told they were getting. But even though north Johnson County is going to get it, it will be long after me, and long after those in north and south KC. So have fun waiting, Lee.

  10. the dude says:

    I wants fiber in my HOOD! Gimme!

  11. mark smith says:

    Does this blazing speed mean there wont be any motion blur when Alexis Texas does the ass clap?

  12. The answer to this problem is time and access.

    Access to Google fiber will be available in schools, libraries and community centers. We can help bridge the digital divide, by sharing what we know and encouraging others to participate in these community access opportunities.

    Let’s all get involved and help bridge the divide.

    Michael Henry

  13. FRUST 8 says:

    more hitches– the property owners have to allow the installations…. no one at fiber central has mentioned this.