First, this: Never has Kansas City’s cultural/economic divide been so colorfully illustrated than with Google Fiber’s map of the “Haves and Have-nots.” Look at that line! The greens are in—they’ve had enough Fiber pre-registrants that they now count as “Fiberhoods,” or something. The yellow—the color of sour milk, a giraffe’s tears (I made that one up) and psychiatric hospital walls—covers the east side like a fine, urine soaked blanket.
It’s not like I’m SURPRISED, really, but… wow.
Look at that perfect line!
Now, this: There are a few spots of mustard sprinkled throughout the green-zone, places where people just don’t like the internet (not true) or are too poor to afford Google’s $300 one-time installment fee (waived if you sign up for a year of service!). I, my friends, live in one of those sad, depressing “Fiberhoods” masquerading as a regular-ass, lame-duck neighborhood.
And this sucks.
See, I’m in the Crossroads, just north of Crown Center, and just south of the Business District and Quality Hill. All four of those neighborhoods? Dog-piss in the lettuce patch.
The problem is, a majority of these neighborhoods are teeming with folks living in apartments and lofts. And the problem with that is, until the past week or so, most of us apartment and loft dwellers couldn’t register. Here’s Google’s explanation:
“The reason is because collecting addresses for these buildings—also called Multiple Dwelling Units (MDUs)—isn’t completely automated, and sometimes we don’t get the right apartment numbers. The process to fix this has been long and painful. We’re making great progress though, and we thought you should know what’s going on. Since pre-registration opened on July 26th, we’ve been verifying residential addresses reported to us via customer support or website address reviews. So far we’ve been able to resolve over half of the open questions from MDUs and single family homes. The remaining addresses, mainly in MDUs, required a deeper level of verification. In order to confirm these, we’ve been contacting property owners and managers.”
Translation: Blah, blah, blah, we clearly didn’t think this thing through.
And it shows.
I live in a gigantic building with hundreds and hundreds of other white, entitled douchebags (and successful young professionals) who’d love nothing MORE than to wrest control away from the twat-tastic Empire of Suck that is Time Warner Cable and instead give their hard earned money to Google.
But Google won’t let us.
Oh, they’re working on it, but as-of August 23rd, my neighborhood still needs 28 more people.
Also: Google has stated that installation will begin shortly after the registration deadline of September 9, and the folks that get it first are the people who “want it the most!” So congratulations Greenway Fields, Wornall Homestead and a bunch of other neighborhoods that may or may not even be real (note: I know they’re real), you only needed like, 10 people to register, you had that on day one, so you’re getting it first! Yay!!! (weird, creepy whisper) SO HAPPY FOR YOU.
Meanwhile, IF we get the SuperFiber at all (and I’m sure we will, BUT WE’RE CUTTING IT CLOSE, NEIGHBORS), we likely won’t have it installed until sometime in December.
I can live that long, I know I can.
I didn’t have the internet until I moved out of my parents’ house and started living with my buddy Kevin. And even then, Kevin kept his computer in his room, so I had to sneak in there while he was at work in order to look at porn and steal songs from Napster.
But now that I have my own place (well, a place that I share with my wife), my own computer, and I know that I can be watching even MORE porn and stealing even better music, ALL AT 1000 TIMES THE REGULAR SPEED? I need this yesterday.
Thanks, Google. Thanks for NOTHING.
(awesome Google Fiber Rabbit courtesy of designer Shane Griffin)