Leftridge: Chiefs Crush Cardinals; Fake Scribe Predicts KC Super Bowl Win

Dexter McCluster, Greatest Wide Receiver Ever

Mark it down. I’m not mincing words. I AM the greatest football predictor in the history of predicting football, and here is my bold, completely thought-out and aggressively accurate assertion about this year’s Kansas City Chiefs: THEY WILL WIN THE SUPER BOWL.

Jamall Charles will rush for 3,000+ yards, Matt Castle will win the MVP and throw 82 touchdowns passes, and Dewayne Bowes will receive 218 passes and be elected as our nation’s first black president in this November’s upcoming election.

And so it shall be, as the Fake Scribe has spoken.

LOLZ! INTERNET JOKES, Y’ALL!!!

All right, but for real, it’s the preseason, and the preseason is awful. There is no possible way you can truly gauge the gameday competency—or incompetency—of a team. It just doesn’t make sense.

Players are getting their footing, they’re still working out the kinks, dudes are playing against dudes who will be working as landscapers in six weeks, people are going at half speed.

Cyrus Gray eludes Cardinals’ tackler, has awesome name

So, yeah… garbage, really.

But there are some takeaways. Like the food reviews of the late, great Reid Jolly (just kidding—he’s not dead… I don’t think…probably), there are ALWAYS takeaways. Here were some observations I made while watching this never-ending, long-form practice.

  • The first team KC offense looked good against the first team Cardinals’ defense. Now that’s not saying a TON—the Cardinals’ defense was below average last year in most measurable categories—but considering what an anemic, disappointing offense the Chiefs routinely displayed in 2011, it was refreshing, nonetheless.

Matt Cassel looked energized and enthused and, well, didn’t fuck up. And really, that’s the key to Cassel’s success: not getting in his own way. He kept it simple and in doing so, found an efficiency that mirrored his better performances from 2010.

  • We also witnessed the triumphant return of the Tres ACL Amigos, and it looked encouraging. Jamaal Charles, who stood to suffer the most long-term negative repercussions from last season’s injury, had 3 carries for 12 yards, plus an 11 yard reception. And he made cuts… not blistering, shake-you-outta-your-shoes-cuts, but come on, it’s the preseason. Nobody does that. But he looked healthy. And his workload will be made infinitely easier because of:

Peyton Hillis. If Hillis can stay healthy—and refrain from succumbing to the mysterious “maladies” that plagued the end of his stay in Cleveland—the Chiefs could have a very serious one-two punch. All Hillis did was carry the ball 4 times for 41 yards, and catch an eleven yard touchdown pass. That’s not to say ol’ Meat Neck did it all by himself. He had help from:

  • A new and improved offensive line, led gloriously into battle by new right-tackle Eric Winston. The O-Line, which went from the best in the league to simply the oldest, before morphing into a young, talentless, disappointing one—all within the span of a few seasons—finally seems to be making strides. I loved the Winston pickup when it happened, and I have a good feeling I’ll be loving it all throughout the season.

But the real story, the one that everyone came to see play out under the bright lights at One Arrowhead Drive, was the battle for the backup quarterback spot. Former first-round draft pick Brady Quinn looked Quinn-essentially Brady Quinn-like (see what I did there? That’s called “taking a Urich.”). He was pedestrian, and he did nothing to win the backup spot. His completion percentage was just a shade over 50, which is correspondent with his career figure. He also threw an interception (which, one could argue, wasn’t entirely his fault).

  • Ms. Iowa signs autographs after practice

    Meanwhile, I finally realized what Ricky Stanzi is good at: he’s a really, really pretty lady. In fact, I’ve no doubt that no matter what happens throughout the rest of this preseason, he WILL be elected Homecoming Queen, goddamnit, and Brady Quinn will make a handsome King. (Seriously, Stanzi. Cut your fucking hair. Your parents are SO sad right now, bro.)

Luke Hochevar is still horrible, and as long as he’s continually being anointed the ace of this staff, the Royals don’t stand a chance at a post-season berth. He’s maddeningly inconsistent, which is the worst part. He lulls you into a false sense of hope and security with three average to slightly-above-average starts in a row, and then he takes a gigantic dump all over the mound by giving up 7 runs to the Baltimore Orioles.

Wait… what?

  • Screw the Royals, and especially Luke Hochevar. Let’s celebrate the winners, instead. Winners like Steve Maneri, who went from being a doughy offensive lineman in 2011, to a svelte, sure-handed tight-end prospect in 2012. He dropped 45 pounds this off season by NOT eating Applebee’sTwo for $20” by himself (seriously—this was on the broadcast), and is returning to his high school and college position. Last night, he had 3 catches for 69 (HA!!!) yards including a crucial 19-yard grab in the 4th that set up a touchdown run by:

Previously fat Maneri makes catch as offensive lineman, is leveled by Troy Polamalu

Cyrus Gray. Gray looked good: 65 yards rushing on 15 attempts, and the aforementioned TD. Plus, HIS NAME IS CYRUS GRAY. That’s some serious, old-school, black-dude shit right there, you guys. Do you think I could get away with naming my son Cyrus? Would that work? I need to figure this out. I will procreate SOLELY for the purpose of naming my child Cyrus. He has to be born black, though, which could be tricky because both my wife and I are whiter than the back of a leprechaun’s knee. But over on the other sideline:

  • Jesus, it must suck to be a Cardinals fan. You run out and sign the hot, young  (mostly unproven) gunslinger to take the place of your departing Hall of Fame QB, only to find out that the hot, young QB is actually pretty shitty. That wreck of an investment then finds himself in a battle for the starter’s job against John Skelton, a real NFL player (!) who has a career QB rating of 66.9. Meanwhile, one of this era’s most gifted receivers is sitting there like, “oh, shit… is this for real?” while his braids grow ever greyer.

Somewhere, a Seattle Seahawks fan is sitting quietly, staring at a poster of Matt Flynn that has been carefully tacked to the wall. It won’t happen to us, he vows, his clammy, Pacific Northwestern hand gripping tighter on his coffee mug.  

And in brief:

  • The replacement refs looked awful and unsure on almost every call. They seemed to have about the same average of accuracy as the normal officials, but they looked like my mom every time they tried to explain a penalty. It was awkward, and I felt a little uncomfortable watching it.

 

  • Analyst Trent Green stated that Dontari Poe was, “a biscuit away from 360 (lbs),” which I thought was pretty outstanding.

 

  • I was mortified to learn that I am now older that EVERY SINGLE PLAYER on the Chiefs’ roster. I am 31.

I’m going to go drink bleach now, hopefully until I die, or at least until I go into a coma where I cannot be perturbed by disgusting facts like that.

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15 Responses to Leftridge: Chiefs Crush Cardinals; Fake Scribe Predicts KC Super Bowl Win

  1. Rick Nichols says:

    How did the fans do on the National Anthem? Have all of them learned the right words yet? Or did some not-so-lucky nice folks, having already shelled out big bucks for tickets and parking, have to listen to that silly “home of the Chiefs” crap? Inquiring minds want to know.

    • Brandon Leftridge says:

      I missed it, but I think we both know the answer to that.

      I was at the 9/11 game last year (I think?)– and they did the “home of the Chiefs” shit. On the 10th anniversary of one of this country’s greatest tragedies. Classy.

      • balbonis moleskine says:

        God enough with the 911 shit. Let it go. I’ll yell “home of the TOWERSTHATHAVEBEENREDUCEDTORUBBLEANDNOWWEAREBUILDINGANEWONEBUTNOTASHIGH” next time.

        • Brandon Leftridge says:

          That would be OUTSTANDING. In fact, I think we all need to adopt that practice.

          Look, I’m not a pussy about this kind of thing at all, and I’m truly not a whiny bitch about the whole, “NEVER FORGET” aspect of it, but I just felt embarrassed for everyone who couldn’t get the Chiefs-cock out of their ass long enough to pay a proper measure of respect by NOT acting like a bunch of inbred, simple-minded jackasses. That’s all. No big deal.

          I’ve been puzzled by the whole, “home of the Chiefs” thing since the first time I attended a game. I don’t think it’s “out of line,” I just think it makes everyone who shouts it look like fucking idiots.

          • harley says:

            lefty…you’re now the best writer on this
            blog…you’ve stepped up your game.
            even though i disagree with ose of your
            stuff…you’re doing some very good stories..
            how about more craigslist funny listings..
            maybe you’ll find some of smarmymans
            listing for used hot tubs and toilets on
            craigslist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111

    • Markus Aurelius says:

      Yawn. This argument is so old it has become a localized KC forum meme. However, you’ll find the answer to your question at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHg5SJYRHA0.

  2. smartman says:

    This here is the story of KC Chiefs fan
    One generation removed from bein’ in the Klan
    His ex wife works at Walmart, His current one does too
    This is all I gotta say when I talk to you

    Chorus
    White trash with cash, whatcha gonna umm buy, buy, buy?
    Whatcha gonna umm, buy, buy?
    White trash low class, whatcha gonna umm buy?

    Sitting’ in the upper deck workin’ chew and beer
    Wondering’ if Kelly Urich really ain’t a queer
    Needs another fifty bucks to finish up his tat
    Tryin to figure out where he’ll get it at

    CHORUS

    He don’t like no negroes and Mexicans is thieves
    Did he were his boxers or did he wear his briefs?
    It’s all about the land of the free
    And home of the FUCKIN’ CHIEFS!

    CHORUS

  3. Chuck says:

    A “Biscuit away from 360.” That kills me.

    My good buddy Reid Jolley is alive and well, serving up cold beer at Coaches at 103rd st.

    Funny stuff Lefty. :)

    • mark smith says:

      agreed. That biscuit line is fucking golden. I’m stealing it.
      Funny stuff Lefty , even harley stopped eating pudding with his fingers, in front of the fridge, long enough to give you his stamp of approval. It’s gotta be a proud moment.

  4. Kerouac says:

    Well I’m convinced… aft viewing this weekends game(s), I’m convinced the Denver Broncos and San Diego Chargers are the best two teams in the AFC West (pending OAK’s game Monday night, which will probably just affirm the silver and black will battle KC little red to be the division’s caboose.) The fact DEN and SD played better teams to start their seasons than KC did also factors into my sentiment, GB/CHIC > ARIZ.

    Game 1 review, KC: Charles fumbled on his first carry, Hillis was stuffed on his intial and Cassel overthrew a wide open Charles – on a screen pass. How do you overthrow someone on a screen pass? Here in KC, we spell medicore c-a-s-s-e-l.

    Charles did not look crisp to me (a bit tentaive even); on the other, Poe looked like a lot of bacon (if he did not exactly sizzle on the field.) Jonathan Baldwin? Once again, an training camp ‘hero’ wilts like a 10 cent orchid actual game; overhype the word – Bowe knows, the poor man’s Otis Taylor wearing #89 still does not.

    OT Winston will be a hard man to replace when/if he gets injured 2012… KC has zero depth of note behind him/Albert. Pioli’s idea of competition: Quinn (medicine woman) -Stanzi (a RH’d Palko.)

    Defense, visions 2011: ARIZ gouged KC in the run game. Cardinals were missing two starters on offense as the game began, RB Wells & QB Kolb who is injured, as well one starter on their defense (which was horrid in 2011 and looks to be in mid-season form already, 2012.) Berry’s back? Let’s see how he does against the real deal SD’s Gates, who is also back in 2012. Moeaki did his Greta Garbo impersonation… when a former OT (Maneri) outshines you, the jury that’s been out just returned an indictment.

    The referees? Gesundheit. The greedy Goodell/NFL et al can’t be stupid enough to allow ‘replacement’ types to officiate during the regular season, can they? If Rozelle were around now this wouldn’t be happening (he’s probably going round & round in football Heaven with Al Davis right now, R.I.P. both.)

    All considered as well the ever-unknown fate factor visits teams/players every annum, 5-11 in 2012 looks about right for my Chiefs…

    • balbonis moleskine says:

      Actually I think 3rd round draft pick Jeff Allen did a great job playing the majority of the snaps yesterday. He’ll be the offensive line depth they need.

  5. Super Dave says:

    And so it shall be, as the Fake Scribe has spoken. You mean Glazer is the fake scribe right?

  6. Orphan of the Road says:

    It was a practice game. At least I didn’t throw up in my mouth like the last few years.

  7. smartman says:

    From the things all guys need to know department. This may pose problems if you live east of Troost.

    Study: Oral Sex Cures Morning Sickness
    August 10, 2012

    Gordon Gallup, morning sickness, NCBI, oral sex, pregnancy, PubMed, SUNY-Albany
    ALBANY, N.Y. (CBSDC) – Pregnant women have used natural remedies such as a teaspoon of ginger or a mint to help battle morning sickness. But now, one medical professional believes you can add oral sex to that list.

    According to Gordon Gallup, a psychologist at SUNY-Albany, the best way to cure morning sickness during pregnancy is sperm.

    But not just any sperm, it should be the sperm of the person who got you pregnant.

    Gallup believes the reason a pregnant woman gets morning sickness is due to the unfamiliar semen in their body due to the pregnancy.

    Gallup says in his findings that the woman’s body will initially reject the father’s semen as an infection and react to it by vomiting.

    Gallup says the best cure for morning sickness is to ingest the father’s semen so her body can build up a tolerance to what’s already in her body.

    Gallup agrees with the 2000 abstract from the National Center for Biotechnology Information, which showed that oral sex and swallowing sperm is correlated with a diminished occurrence of preeclampsia.

    PubMed Health defines preeclampsia as when a pregnant woman develops high blood pressure and protein in the urine after the 20th week, which is usually in the late second or third trimester of pregnancy.

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