When Hearne came to me a few weeks ago and said, “yo, Lefty… look, man. I’ve got some stuff I need to uh, take care of in Mexico. Some, um… some things that need to be buried in the desert—rotting things—so I was uh, wondering if you could maybe pick up some of the slack? Just for a week or so. I’ll bring you back some tequila and a switchblade,” I accepted the challenge. I knew, deep within my heart-of-hearts that I did not have the dedication and drive to come up with a post a day for over a week, but I lied… I REALLY needed that booze, and that blade.
And much as I suspected, the steam finally ran out.
So as I was sitting on the internet today, trying to pull a magic post out of my ass, here are some random things I learned after falling down a Wikipedia-wormhole.
-F. Scott Fitzgerald slept with a prostitute to prove to his wife Zelda that he was not, as she thought, a “fairy,” who was having a homosexual affair with Ernest Hemingway. She attacked him after she found the condoms that he bought for the occasion. F. Scott Fitzgerald was kind of an idiot, because his wife was pretty hot… In a weird, old-timey kind of way. She was considered America’s first flapper.
-The UNABOMBER (which is always in all caps for some reason) derived his name because he started out bombing UNiversities and Airlines. UNA. Bomber. UNABOMBER. (I may be an idiot for not knowing this, but I guess I never questioned the meaning.)
- Rocko, the animated star of Nickelodeon’s now-defunct Rocko’s Modern Life, was voiced by Carlos Alazraqui, the Mexican guy from Reno 911. He also voiced the Taco Bell dog (makes more sense than an Australian wallaby) and Peter Griffin’s boss from the Happy Go Lucky Toy Factory on Family Guy. Talented man.
- Super Hot Chick Ione Skye– best known to me because she was married to the Beastie Boys’ Adam “Ad-Rock” Horowitz– is the daughter of 60’s rock legend Donovan, whose seminal hits include “Mellow Yellow”, “Sunshine Superman” and my personal favorite, “Hurdy Gurdy Man” (a song which, interestingly enough, was name-checked on the Beasties’ 1992 classic album Paul’s Boutique). After their marriage, she dated Asian “supermodel” Jenny Shimizu (right), who I’m pretty sure actually has a penis.
- The founder of Sav-A-Lot grocery stores, a chain started in Indianapolis, IN., was a serial killer responsible for the deaths of 11 homosexual male prostitutes. Side note: “homosexual male prostitute” is probably the most dangerous job you could ever have. Those dudes are ALWAYS getting axed to pieces. Anywho, he killed himself when he was right on the verge of being caught.
- There is no widely accepted scientific explanation for Spontaneous Human Combustion, a rare means of death wherein a person burns the fuck up for no apparent reason. Often times, their body is virtually incinerated where it sits, while the surrounding furniture remains unblemished. It makes me wonder if the furniture is then re-sold to unsuspecting rubes.
-Cole Ford, a kicker with the Oakland Raiders from 1995-1997, quit football after he went crazy. REALLY crazy. He was arrested in 2008 after firing a gun at the Las Vegas home of entertainers Siegfried & Roy, stating that while he did not intend to harm the performers, he wanted to “warn the world of the illusionists’ unhealthy danger to them and to animals.” He went on to say that he believed the performers had a sexual relationship with their animals and it was a factor in the development of the AIDS virus.
He and his beard pleaded guilty.
- A number of 27 year old musicians have died… everyone knows about this, the so-called curse of the “27 Club”. Kurt Cobain, Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix, Amy Winehouse, Janis Joplin. What people DON’T know, however, is that there are many, MANY other notable musicians who died at that age:
Brian Jones (Rolling Stones)
Robert Johnson (super influential blues musician; sold soul to devil at Crossroads)
Ron “Pigpen” McKernan (keyboardist for Grateful Dead- had droopy mustache)
Dave Alexander (bassist for the Stooges, Iggy Pop’s punk band)
Peter Ham (lead singer of Badfinger—“If You Want it, Here it Is, Come and Get It”)
D. Boon (Minutemen, known to masses for composing them song to “Jackass.”)
Pete de Freitas (drummer for Echo and the Bunnymen)
Kristen Pfaff (bassist for Hole)
Jeremy Michael Ward (multi-instrumentalist for the Mars Volta)
Richey James Edwards (Manic Street Preachers. Kinda creepy because he disappeared at 27 and has since been declared legally dead)
- Eduard Einstein, Albert’s estranged son, suffered from schizophrenia and died in an institution in his early 50s.