It is a shot-to-shit 1983 Nissan Sentra with blown shocks, blood stains on the cloth interior and a cool 298K on the odometer, all highway! all yours and all for $300.
It is a Puerto Rican transexual hooker with a hidden switchblade and a dusting of venereal disease, her oddly effeminate pimp hiding in the closet.
It is also a fairly decent digital marketplace for people to unload the useless shit that clogs their existence; the 50 water-bloated issues of Spiderman from mom’s basement, or the autographed POWER Team! poster that you reluctantly accepted at a church carnival because you didn’t want to look like a hedonistic dick.
But often, it’s nearly impossible to separate the wheat from the chaff.
That’s where I come in.
Here are my favorite posts from craigslist over the past few weeks. I implore you to RUN out—no walking—and procure these items immediately. If the broken chainsaw with the Hello Kitty stickers isn’t there when you arrive, it’s not my fault. It’s not like I didn’t give you sufficient notification.
From the Free Section:
“Free Scrap wood, small ramp, good for bon fire….
If you are interested in the wood, come get it.
If the ad is up, there is still wood to get!
Free Dirt – fill dirt
dirt is in the front of house on either side of the front door
dirt is mixed with small gravel/rocks
If you are interested in the dirt, please contact via e-mail first to ensure someone will be home!
reply to: firstname.lastname@example.org
No, friend, thank YOU. This reads like the worlds most depressing soliloquy about… well, free dirt and wood. My biggest takeaways from ee cummmings’ CL offering? The fact that the dirt is on either side of the front door, AND it’s that kick-ass dirt that’s mixed with small gravel/rocks. I just wonder what kind of magical palace this classified poet lives in?
Couch and matching love seat (Independence mo)
Come pick up, they need cleaned but look ok and are steardy for pick up info cal (REDACTED)
reply to: email@example.com
“Look ok” is such a subjective thing. These things look like a woman spent 50 years sitting on them, chain-smoking and petting dirty outdoor cats before she was bludgeoned to death by a meth-head (it’s Independence, so I’m making an educated guess here). I do not want your couch, nor does anyone else, ever.
I had a couple of extra kombucha mushrooms if anyone is interested.
reply to: firstname.lastname@example.org
Wait… seriously? Is this really the kind of thing you want to get from some Gladstonian weirdo on the internet? Second, you HAD or HAVE? Because if you HAD some, why are you still offering me some? And why am I writing this like you’re reading this? FUCK YOU.
SONY 60″ Big Screen TV (Overland Park)
FREE TV, you pick up.
Picture is intermittent-may be a quick fix! Have not had anyone look at it. The sound is perfect.
Call or text- (redacted)
Donna could have quickly given this monstrosity away if she had only posted a little differently. Next time, Donna, try this:
Attention visually impaired power-lifters. Boy have I got a tv for you. The picture comes and goes, but you obviously don’t give a fuck because you’re blind. I hope you have a large place to put this, because it’s one of those 1980’s jobs roughly the size of a small moving truck. Please come and get it, or I will be forced to burn my house down in an effort to rid myself of this beast. Thanks.
From the Not-So-Free Postings:
8 PRIME PLOTS – CALVARY CEMETERY
8 Prime Lots. Near entrance.
Please E-Mail for more info.
$2,000.00 A Lot
reply to: email@example.com
A) You’re right, Crypt-Keeper, that IS a lot.
B) Thank GOD they’re near the entrance. I’m sick of going to visit dead relatives and having to travel ALL THE FUCKING WAY to the back of the cemetery. That’s for chumps, and poor people. I want my sexy-ass corpse FRONT AND CENTER so all the mourners can come early and often to celebrate my passing.
Calvary Cemetery Plot Salesman, you’ve got yourself a DEAL, bro.
Bar Soap from Glenwood Motel – $3 (KCK 66102)
48 bars of motel soap from the Glenwood Motel that was recently torn down on Metcalf. These are dated 1960. These are in good condition. If you are seriously interested please call (redacted)
We are located near I-70 and 18th Street in Kansas City, Kansas. If interested call or text (redacted) to set up appointment.
Set up an appointment?! To see old soap?! Is this really happening right now?
Dog Food Hills Prescription Diet D/D – $30 (Northland)
28 pound bag for sensitive skin plus 5 cans of same formula. 6 days old. Bought from vet for 103.00 but my dog will not touch it. Probably 8 cups gone from bag.
reply to: firstname.lastname@example.org
So you’re offering a 60%+ discount on dog food because “my dog will not touch it”? Look, lady (I assume it’s a lady because it doesn’t seem like many guys would go for this), FUCK YOUR DOG. This is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. IT’S A DOG. The beauty about dogs is that they shit outside, don’t try to take control of the remote, and they fucking eat what you tell them to. If your dog is refusing to eat the ONE HUNDRED DOLLAR FOOD you bought it, you’ve lost. You are officially your dog’s bitch. Congratulations.
Golf Monopoly Art – $50 (Olathe)
“Custom made. First Street Gallery in Blue Springs, MO. label intact on back. The frame alone is worth $300. Measures approximately 33 inches by 33 inches. Would make a gift for the golf-loving man in your life.
Cash Only. No Delivery. If the ad is up then the item is still available. I will not respond to emails asking “Is this still available?”, those are marked as spam and deleted. To view my other items for sale type in “DLH062″.
reply to: email@example.com
Let’s review this, line by line.
Custom made (So is my poo, but I don’t try and sell it). First Street Gallery in Blue Springs, MO. label intact on back (Um…okay?). The frame alone is worth $300 (Wow. You got ripped off, bro.). Measures approximately 33 inches by 33 inches. Would make a gift for the golf-loving man in your life (You know, if you can’t get him clubs, or a fitting, or some tees, or some reservations, or some attire, or some balls… you know, if you’ve got $50 to spend and none of those are good ideas).
Cash Only. No Delivery (You’re making this really hard on me, pal.). If the ad is up then the item is still available (TODAY… today. I CONSIDER MYSELF… consider myself…THE LUCKIEST MAN… luckiest man…). I will not respond to emails asking “Is this still available?”, those are marked as spam and deleted. (You are a complete dick with a bizarre sense of entitlement) To view my other items for sale type in “DLH062″. (I will do no such thing).
See what I mean about Craigslist being a bastion of amazement and wonder?