It started like this:
“Well, guilty as charged. We are very much supportive of the family — the biblical definition of the family unit. We are a family-owned business, a family-led business, and we are married to our first wives. We give God thanks for that.”
-Dan Cathy, President & CEO, Chick-fil-A speaking to the Baptist Press earlier this month.
What many people read was:
“FUCK YOU, GAYS. YOU CAIN’T EAT NONE OF OUR CHICKEN SAMMICHES. GO BACK TO BEIN’ GAY AND LEAVE US ALL ALONE.”
-Dan Cathy, President, CEO, Jerk-Ass and Probable Homosexual, whispering sexily into his boyfriend Satan’s ear
So people reacted.
Boston mayor Thomas Menino lobbed the first retaliatory grenade by telling Cathy—in an eloquently penned letter, even!—that his company wasn’t allowed to build a restaurant within city limits.
Ed Helms, star of films like The Hangover and television’s The Office, tweeted “Chick-fil-A doesn’t like gay people? So lame. Hate to think what they do to the gay chickens! Lost a loyal fan.”
Next came Chicago Alderman Joe Moreno. When the feathered empire proposed a second Chicago area store—this one in Moreno’s 1st Ward—he moved to block the opening using a rarely wielded technique called “aldermanic privilege.”
In an opinion piece for the Chicago Tribune, Moreno stated, “Because of this man’s ignorance, I will now be denying Chick-fil-A’s permit to open a restaurant in the 1st Ward.” Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel later released a statement pledging his support for the decision.
So what’s the correct line of thinking here, anyway? IS there a correct line of thinking?
The thing is, Chick-fil-A has been donating to anti-gay groups for years—something that I guess I assumed most people already knew.
They’re not alone in their narrow-minded views.
Wal-Mart doesn’t offer domestic partner benefits to employees. ExxonMobil and AutoZone, same thing. Salvation Army has a notoriously poor track record when it comes to same-sex relations and Dish Network doesn’t carry gay-oriented channels like Logo.
Look, if Chick-fil-A wants to remind me that God Hates Fags while I eat one of their “southern-style” fried chicken sandwich-burgers, that’s fine. That’s their business. I don’t know how sound it is to isolate such a large potential constituency—homosexual folks and their straight supporters—but what do I know about running a chicken sandwich stand? (answer: very little)
And if Boston wants to tell Chick-fil-A “fuck off, we don’t need your hate-chicken and the 90 jobs you’ll bring,”(estimation from Chicago franchisee) then I suppose that’s THEIR business.
Frankly, I’m tired of hearing about it from both of them.
Chick-fil-A needs to simply shut the fuck up. God had nothing to do with the pickle-placement; let’s leave him out of this shit. At the same time, I don’t need politicians making my dining decisions FOR me, based off of their own personal beliefs.
I simply want the right to eat chicken and STILL support dudes’ right to marry other dudes. It’s an artery clogging food-like product, not a goddamn gateway for moral discourse.
I don’t eat with my brain for the same reason I don’t read books with my penis: it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.
Chick-fil-A should stop ruining my experience by talking about butt-fucking, and Boston and Chicago should allow me to eat my greasy, heavy-breaded bird-meat within their city limits if I damn well please.