Leftridge: Let’s Do Away With Father’s Day

Father’s Day is a crock of shit.

Allow me to explain.

There are two types of dads in the world, my dad and my cousin Brian.

See, my dad is great. He made me what I am today. When I was 14 and wanted a pair of Nike Air Force Ones, he did what any good dad would do: he said, “if you want $100 sneakers, goddamnit, you’re buying them yourself.” With this understanding, I did what any normal 14 year old does—I lied about my age and got a job bussing tables at a Japanese steakhouse.

Good fathers are always teaching, always fostering. They take their role as caretaker seriously, using small things like athletic footwear to impart life lessons.

My dad never let me go without, however, on basic life necessities like Rustler jeans, toilet paper and Hot Pockets. He begrudgingly gave me checks for community college tuition, and when I grew into a derelict pizza delivery guy living in a flophouse with a bunch of buddies, he was always there when I inadvertently tangled my beer money with rent money.

For this, I am grateful and forever in his debt.

Then there’s my cousin Brian.

Brian’s first foray into fatherhood was when he impregnated his “alternative school” teacher at the age of 15 (this was AFTER he got kicked out of public school for slicing a kid with a box-cutter). Fearing shame—and possible legal persecution—the teacher fled with the child to Idaho. To my knowledge, Brian has (thankfully) never seen this child.

His next child came shortly thereafter. Though he was never a part of her life (again—thankfully), they share contact on Facebook. It is on this fantastic site of social interaction that she can find pictures of her “dad” wearing Marilyn Manson makeup, and Korn-style braids, a 9mm handgun pressed to his temple while he grins.

She is now 16. He is 31.

Outstanding.

Oh, but this wouldn’t be a story, nor would it illustrate the point I’m trying to make if he were done after only two chirruns, now would it?

After having his second child, he took a brief break (incarceration?) before shooting out children faster than a machine gun spraying a porch in South Central Los Angeles.

He had a second, then a third, a fourth and then a fifth. His inseminatory powers were only felled by his stints in jail, for various transgressions, frightfully hillbillian in nature: domestic violence, statutory rape, failure to pay child support (I know, what??!!).

Though records are sketchy—and to be perfectly honest, he may not even know for sure himself—he has something like eight or nine kids by about four different flowerpots. Again, he is THIRTY-ONE YEARS OLD.

Stellar.

(Bonus side note of hilarity that serves to provide a bit more insight into the mind of this amazing human being: his most recent two children—the only two whom, to my knowledge, he has any sort of contact with, are named Damien Morrison [after the spawn of Satan and the Lizard King] and Cobain Lavey [after the late Nirvana front man and the founder of the Church of Satan]. SPLENDID.)

So my point is, not all dads are created equal. Some dads are grey-meat McDonalds hamburger patties and others are filet mignons. And that’s why Father’s Day sucks. It’s a ubiquitous holiday that forces everyone—except orphans—to honor thy father, when in fact, some dads don’t deserve shit.

Furthermore—and quite ironically so—it’s EASY to get Father’s Day gifts for someone like cousin Brian. You can get your shit-dad a carton of Kool cigarettes, a 5th of Hy-Vee brand whiskey or a hoodie emblazoned with the Slipknot logo. If you’re the conscientious sort, you can even spring for a Groupon on a discounted vasectomy!

My dad, however, is another story.

He’s quiet, stoic and lives his life mostly without hobbies. Every couple of years, he decides he likes golf, but by the time you decide to get him something golf-related, he’s no longer playing. He doesn’t build ships in a bottle, feel particularly passionate about any singular sports team or really like giraffes or cigars.

He is the single hardest person in the world to shop for.

So, while we ply our fathers with ties that will never be worn, grill attachments that won’t be used and gift certificates to have golf clubs recalibrated, let’s stop and think: Is any of this really necessary? Don’t we all love our dads enough already? Is it fair that dirt-bag Brian gets the same day that YOUR dad does?

That’s why I say, fuck Father’s Day. I don’t need a card to prove how much my dad means to me. 

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to buy some felt-covered executive desk doo-dad for my dad’s non-existent work-desk.

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23 Responses to Leftridge: Let’s Do Away With Father’s Day

  1. mike says:

    fathers day is to honor fathers
    Someone like your Dad deserves to be honored even if he is hard to buy for. People like him that were there for their children is who this holiday is for. Your cousin Brian does not deserve to even be referred to as a father. He is a sperm donor. These women he had unprotected sex with must be idiots as well. I feel sorry for the kids that resulted from his selfish and irresponsible behavior.

  2. Super Dave says:

    Lets keep fathers day
    You know Brandon as I started to read this story I was thinking I wasn’t going to like it. But the more I read the more I was thinking “Damn Brandon really is right here.”

    But let’s keep Fathers Day for the dads who are deserving and then let’s have a POS Dad day where the gift of choice by all is a Wal-Mart plastic bag holding a load dumped by a dog so the deadbeats would all know that we view them as a piece of shit.

  3. chuck says:

    That is your very best yet Lefty.
    Beautiful!

  4. smartman says:

    Daddy Dearest
    What’s your point Lefty? That white people can be shitty fathers too? It’s all relative man. If you don’t know you’ve got a shitty dad how do you know? Maybe Tyrone gives Tyrone Jr ten bucks every time he bangs his little sister Shaniqua. Until you’ve driven a stolen Cadillac you don’t know that your Malibu is dreck. Hell, some people think Dale Jr is a good driver and not the recipient of a lifetime of sympathy and obligation to his father who basically built the fucking sport. At least Jr is paying it forward by employing Danica Patrick. For every Bill Cosby, there are one hundred shitheels like Sly James and five hundred Tyrone’s. The Lord says Honor thy Father and thy Mother. That’s tough for some kids today. Although in some cases and cultures patricide could be considered honor. I recommend the .22 caliber into the head behind the ear. Not very noisy so the neighbors won’t notice and that bullet will scramble some grey matter as it richocets aound inside the skull. My dad is the fucking bomb! Great man, husband, father and friend. I honor him every day. Father’s Day is bullshit. I agree. A reminder to kids to make a call or send a card or lug dad to Golden Corral on a day that you’d otherwise enjoy not being around him. But, for so many people, at least they know the answer to the question, Who’s Your Daddy!

  5. Lefty says:

    Obviously…
    …this piece was highly satirical. I don’t think we actually need to do AWAY with Father’s Day– some people (fathers, mostly) really dig it, and that’s fine. But much like Mother’s Day, Valentine’s Day, Christmas, etc., it is now nothing more than a corporate-driven consumer holiday. Some people use it like they should– as a day of paternal appreciation– and they’re doing it right.

    So if any of the readers/commenters are fathers– the good, responsible kind– I say “Happy Father’s Day.” May you have a nice, relaxing day on the course or just being left alone. After all, isn’t that what most dads truly want?

  6. harley says:

    only smartman
    could take a very special great day and make it into something disgusting…and
    horrid. Nice job smarman.
    Fathers Day is not one to show complete hatred and animosity. From the many posts
    of hate that you have posted against almost every other group of people its quite obvious your dad did a shitty job raising you. Great fathers teach compassion/understanding and how to be a good human being without spewing
    crap all the time. Great fathers don’t teach their kids to preach of murder of other human beings…make horrible
    comments about other people. Great fathers teach growing up to be good…maybe you were too busy shooting
    your own mouth off to hear what you dad had to say. Killing? Hate? Stealing? Banging? Hundreds of negative
    comments about kids/blacks/jews/hispanics/catholics/most contained in your first comment on this special day.
    You’re the poster child for hating everyone and everything… is that
    how your father raised you? your comment and jokes and laughing about the death and murder of millions of innocent humans in the concentration camps…is that how your dad raised you? To make jokes of innocent peoples death. Is that the type of upbringing you had? Seriously?
    Thats what your father taught you to speak and talk about? Are you fucking serious?
    The language you spit out on these boareds…that’s what you father would be proud of to say “my son wrote that!!!!”
    I’ve seen every post…disgusting hate and attacks on almost every group of people…you’ve had no mercy on
    anyone….outright horrible references…you speak of “killing” people…”grray matter””……where were you raised buddy?
    …a child “banging” his little sister….where did you get that type of language…hopefully not from your dad!!!!!!!!!
    I honestyl believe your father was a great man…its just the old saying “like father like son” doesn’t apply with you.
    There are plenty of fathers on this site who abandoned their kids…failed to pay child support…thats the
    bad guys…..but to rthlessly go after people you have never met or known…to speak of death and murder
    and hate….not good smartman…not good at all!
    Repent!

  7. harley says:

    commercialized? bullshit
    I couldn’t buy enough gifts…clothes…tools…ties etc. to repay my dad for what he did. Maybe some of you
    should stay at home. For those of us who had incredible dads we can’t do enough to repay them.
    Sure there some men who shouldn’t be dads…and some who never took the job seriously…
    but don’t loop them all togehter…
    a special day for special men…if you don’;t get it…stay home …..

  8. chuck says:

    smartman bends us to his will, and sifts
    opinion through a violent and realistic colander, ever present, ever threatening, always real, and by violent design, never far from any conversation.

    That prism is mostly the color of blood as he acknowledges the change in tradition with respect to all colors of fathers, present and unaccounted for.

  9. smartman says:

    Chuck Gets it
    As for you Harley, I now understand why President Obama prefers Musilms to Jews. And once again your attempt to position yourself as an intellectual equal to the more prominent and distinguished commenters on this blog has FAILED. And lest ye think I give a shit, the proudest day of my life was when my parents told me that I had done more for them then they could ever do for me. Honor thy Father and Mother, Harley. Put a bullet in your head or maybe swallow some liquid Drano. Either way, I don’t care, you sad pathetic, flaccid, pedantic, useless excuse for a human being.

  10. smartman says:

    Hall Ay Lu Jah Harley
    Given my suggestion of patricide for chill runs with not so good daddy’s, I suggest you research the murder of American Nazi leader, Jeff Hall by his 10 year old son and ask you to debate amongst your multiple personalities and online identities whether or not this child didn’t do society a great favor, extenuating circumstances or not.

  11. harley says:

    disgusting…absolutely disgusting
    again the smarman shows that disgusting attitude.
    Hate…hate …hate…is that you what you were raised on? You can
    ‘t get away from it. Is the hate language and attitude part of your upbringing?
    You immediately go to muslims and jews.. more hate…you mention patricide..
    WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD ADVOCATE SOMEONE KILLING A FATHER???
    WHO SMARTMAN?? killing of a father? Is that not disgusting?
    You hate…its all about the hate with you.
    Burn the jews you said!!!!Put a bullet insomeones head….blataNT continuous
    overboARD… REFERNCES TO murder and death….thats the way a maother and
    father raised you? Kill someone….thats what your parents rasied you to advocate?
    Over the top racist and anti semitic burn the jews…kill this group of peoople…..
    who raised you.
    And it continues with your drano comment….honor thy mmother and father???????
    and then it continues on and on.
    And the briliant chuck says…..his opinion is never far from any conversation…what conversation
    chuck? about death…blood…hate….burning of innocent people….killing of a father…patricide..
    that the conversation you have? What about you. violent and realistic? whats realstic….
    whats the conversation chuck? That we need to denigrate every breathing human being..kill..
    shoot…main…murder….destroy….discrim iniate….thats how you were raised chuck?

    HONOR THY MOTHER AND FATHER SMARTMAN…YOU DONT GIVE A SHIT? REALLY?
    tHEN WHY ALL THE HATE…THE NASTINESS….okay…lets kill and burn human beings?
    You have said that over and over…..
    whats the deal? Everything is hate…hate…hate with you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    The abusers…dead beat dads…the father who deserted their kids….the father who
    doesngt speak with their kids…no child support….thats who deserves the anger…
    you are disgraceful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  12. harley says:

    smartman….you are ________________
    sure give one instance….a child killing his father…thats right. What does the law say. Then a child has the right
    to kill his father based on his beliefs. Is that right. Is killing and murder your mode of opeation. It
    ‘s okay to kill a fathert
    No need to research it. Extenuating circumstnace…no need to go into detailll
    Its the continu0ous…never ending….always over the top hate of everyone and everything..
    you aren’t the master or king…you want to kill people…for what?
    is that how you brought up.
    shame.

  13. smartman says:

    @ Harley
    The Lord silences my enemies. Seeing as how you have no weight or standing on this blog, he has once again answered my prayers. And for the record Harley, King David killed hundreds of thousands if not millions in the name of the Lord, so much so, that the Lord had to do that Kennedy and Sinatra thing when it came time for the urban renewal project and turned the keys to the kingdom over to Solomon….but I’m assuming, being the observant Jew that you profess to be you already knew that.

    Bottom line, it’s easier to create meaningful change with a pull of the trigger than a pull of the voting lever. I think Bebe Netanyahu agrees with that. Life is too short for diplomacy to work with irrational people and ammo is cheap right now. I recommend cheaperthandirt.com for the best value.

  14. harley says:

    smartman is a fucking disgrace…
    i received emails from others about you….you are the lowest. Pull of a trigger…sure your dad would be
    proud of you…..and your mom…………..
    MOre crap from the king of crap.
    HATE….its in your heart….forever….
    ammo is cheap….you worthless disgusting pig.
    I’m sure your dad is proud of you today…NOT!!!!!!!
    qoute your religious books…you are nothing short of evil!!!!
    Evil in your heart and mind…who taught you that?
    Men who are abusers…dead beat..abandoned their kids…forgeot their kids..
    thats who you should be angry with. Not the entire human race.
    You need lots of help…but there’s no cure for the hate you carry…..

  15. harley says:

    “the lord silences my enemies’?
    are you serious. with death and murder that you advocate. Killing of fathers. Don’t ever qoute the
    good book.. You don’t even know what you’re talknig about………happy fathers day…
    maybe go find some solcae in the hate of your heart.

  16. harley says:

    smartman knows nothing about history or life
    kill…kill…kill…
    and you think you’re a scholar…wrong….
    you aqoute isreali leaders as if you know something about history. YOu know nothing besides
    the hate and crimes and the desicable language many people on here have said they
    find disgusting.
    You buddy are the evil. Hate fills your heart…
    Your comments on fathers day are absolutely the worst …especially on a day that we set aside
    to celebrate fathers everywhere…black/jew/hispanic…white/spanish/ etc….
    where werke you raised?????????????????

  17. Observer says:

    Not So Smartman?
    For a guy who proclaims himself to be a “smartman” – you sure spend a lot of time arguing with Harley the moron.

  18. smartman says:

    @ the observer
    It’s a task I inherited from Wilson.

  19. paulwilsonkc says:

    Smartman – hahahahaha
    Im glad you inherited it, I just ignore him now. The biggest, most important person on this site told me, “do what I do… when you come to all that zig zag mess, just hit the down arrow and get to the bottom of it as fast as you can, thats what I do!” Its funny he lives in total anonymity, but claims he gets all these emails from others, cheering him on or relaying negative comments about other commentors on here, while 99% of the people dont have any idea who he is. Funny how that works. And funny how you can catch someone in lie after lie…. and they are unphased, OR just reply they are the biggest thing on here, never lie, right ALL the time…. and like I said, move on unphased.

    Fathers Day? I had a great one with all my kids and extended families over for the day and a GREAT meal.

    Take my inheritance and use it for good, not evil, Smartman. Im too busy getting art ready for July’s First Weekend show in the West Bottoms to comment on here as much. Come down and watch $10-15K worth of amazing art furniture fly out the door in 48 hours!

  20. the dude says:

    All the “emails”
    are the voices in his head.

  21. paulwilsonkc says:

    Dude, SO, SO true. And as long as WE know it…
    thats all that matters. 13 DOCUMENTED, large scale, full on, outright lies… just from the ones I tracked and proved, and whats his defense? Attack someone ELSE for being a LOSER. Its pathological. And, as someone who DOES KNOW HIM told me, thats dangerous when someone really thinks that way.

    Im waiting for his next tearful invitation for me to come have a beer with him cause he’s sure Im a nice guy and we know so many of the same people. Yes, we DO, son… more than HE knows. But Im the LOSER. Thats precious.

    OK, I’ve got important things to do that contribute to my on going well being.

  22. Harley says:

    I dont have anything knew to say
    I just wanted
    to
    see ……………..
    my name on here
    agin.
    Thats how I raise mygoogle analytics and convince………..myself I’m a big time contributor on………..KCC lucky for me I found this sight
    by accident googling Kansas Community Collegte
    looking for how to be a nurse
    aid and empty bed pans
    course since I cold
    fill 100 bed pans with my puke comments
    I got nothin else…………………………………………………………
    to do and this makes
    me feel
    impotent

  23. Harley says:

    REAL harley year a disgrace!
    I can’t beleive you approve of domestric violance like you do
    People like you go to jail for that
    please, all my close friends NotsoSmartman, chcuk, dudette, wilsun?, SuperDave join me and take s
    stand agains REAL harley for his unapologetik use of DV and not being sorry for it
    I got emails from my disciples and fan3s who see you at home depoo buying duck tape by the
    case
    what else could it be for
    other than your old habits. (maybe that shouyod have been a (?) im not sure)

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