New Jack City: Annoying Questions, Greetings, Buzzwords That Piss Jack Off

Let’s start by not even including the obviously annoying, pretend question; How Are You?

Does the inquirer really freaking care? Course not. Next time you get hit with that one, tell ’em ‘Terrible’ and watch ’em squirm.

Then start unloading further with, "WHY? Do I look sickly or something?"

Maybe he’ll think twice next time before ever asking the most overused, insincere question known to man.

Here’s an annoying greeting I got recently at a local Office Depot:  "What brings you here today?"

Hey, I could’ve been a smartass and said something like, "My lawnmower blades need sharpening." Because frankly, having to tell some dude I need paper clips seems so lame.

 
And how about the server at the restaurant who says, "No Problem" when you ask for more iced tea?

Of course it’s not a problem—especially if he or she expects a tip.
 
A couple movie questions I’m often asked as a critic include, "What’s It About?" To which I (sometimes) answer, "About 95 Minutes."
 
Or to "What’s Good At The Movies?" My answer; "The Popcorn."

To be fair, it should be noted I usually apologize after delivering either line.
 
Finally, here’s my dirty dozen of overused phrases and buzzwords
 
1.- You know?
 
2.- Whatever
 
3.- Awesome!
 
4.- It’s not rocket science
 
5.- At the end of the day
 
6.- Synergy
 
7.- Think outside the box
 
8.- Get on the same page
 
9.- No way!
 
10.- Seriously?
 
11.- Value-added
 
12.- Win-win situation
 
So next time you’re about unleash any of the above in my presence…do us both a favor and don’t.

You’re very welcome.

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14 Responses to New Jack City: Annoying Questions, Greetings, Buzzwords That Piss Jack Off

  1. mike says:

    You know. I see what you mean. Whatever, at the end of the day it’s not rocket science. not using all the cliches is a win-win for both the talker and listener. Seriously? You bet. It would be awesome. No way? yes way! They would then be on the same page and have synergy. Sometimes it requires you to think outside the box but at the end of the day it’s no problem.

  2. the dude says:

    How are you today Jack?
    Just wanted to ask because at the end of the day we know this synergy thing is not rocket science but you do need to make sure you think outside the box, you know? If we can get on the same page I think we can get some value-added synergy to create a real win-win situatuin to make whatever into awesome! Whatever.

  3. paulwilsonkc says:

    Dude, Mike, SERIOUSLY? Thats all you’ve got?
    Just no value added in you guys at all. Awesome, just awesome.

    That did me less good than someones rehash of why Jardines failed.

    We’re looking for a win-win here. YOU right something funny and interesting, I READ IT! You act like this is rocket science.

    Keep writing like that and, at the end of the day, you’ll be confused with KCC’s most hated step child, you know?

  4. paulwilsonkc says:

    NO WAY! I meant you “WRITE” something funny….
    … reading some of this rubish has rubbed off on me. At least my lines are still straight.

  5. smartman says:

    Recommended Reading
    Jack, let me recommend a great book, The dictionary of bullshit by Nick Webb. I think you’ll absolutely LOVE it. I always measure my response to stupid ass questions by the sincerity with which they are delivered. When people ask , How are you?…..my range of responses is Better than I deserve to None of your fucking business. I do welcome being asked what I’m looking for when I enter a store and usually take the opportunity to turn the askee into my personal slave / shopper. By and large 80% of the people I encounter piss me off. Stupid people make me furious. My options were incarceration, meds or The Serenity Prayer. I chose the latter. Give thanks Brother Jack. We could all be in a much worse set of circumstances. Sing to the Lord a new song….you just better not sound like fucking Yoko Ono when you sing it. Be Calm, Carry On.

  6. Super Dave says:

    I swear smartman and I must go to a lot of the same places. I say this because it’s somewhere around that number of the people who piss me off as well or least make me want to scream. Had a waiter once who no kidding was at the table like every 5 minutes of less wanting to know if everything was ok. I snapped at last and said no you are bugging the shit out of me.

    100% of the time I think a hello is all a greeting a person needs to make. I mean you walk into the doctors office and the head clown greater is “Hi how are you today?” Well gee must not be to good or wouldn’t be in this fucking place being asked a stupid question.

    And the number one thing I hate is “Did you find everything you needed today?” Well no I didn’t because your boss is an idiot and has no clue how to run a store and some of what I wanted was stuck 15 feet up in the air instead of in the empty place down on the shelf and what are you going to do about it, make 20 people behind me wait while you run and climb like monkey up the shelf and get it down for me? No I didn’t think so.

  7. chuck says:

    LMAO!!
    Jesus what a bunch of cantankerous grouchy-get-off-my-lawn sour pusses!!

    Goddamn are you guys grouchy.

    It is just amenities you grumpy bastards. People are just breaking the ice in as inoffensive and respectful way as possible.

    Thats it for you fuckers, NO MORE COFFEE OR RED MEAT!!

  8. Super Dave says:

    Hey Chuck maybe I don’t want my ice broke, LOL

  9. Lance the Intern says:

    Phrases….
    Like “win-win”, “synergy”, and “think outside the box” remind me of Action Item, Professional Superhero! Check him out here:

    http://professionalsuperhero.com/

  10. paulwilsonkc says:

    Chuck, email me,
    Ive got one for you. Youre deep enough into the news you may or may not know, but an incredible event from 10 plus years ago and I accidentally ran across the victim.

  11. jack p. says:

    Forgot to mention a few of my (non) favorite phrases…..
    ….so I’ll add them here:

    # 13—(this movie was) “INSPIRED BY….”
    # 14—(it’s what’s) “TRENDING RIGHT NOW”
    # 15—(she’s) “SMOKIN’ HOT”—or “THAT’S HOT!”

    ….So Mr. G., “TEAR DOWN THIS WALL!”

  12. paulwilsonkc says:

    Jack, I HATE this “trending now” thing!
    980/98.1 KMBZ news talk has started using that as the intro to the news, “…trending NOW on KMBZ” and it makes me want to stop listenting!! God I HATE THAT!!

    Thanks, once again, to the twitter world for that little gem. That is NOT HOT and pisses me off.

  13. Mark X says:

    … my personal favorites.
    “What brings you here today?” … my car

    “How are you?” … I ALWAYS answer; “Not good at all” … Half the time the response is “Thats great!” … about 40% do not reply – … about 10% DO follow up with concern or an additional question …

    “Did you find everything you needed today?” … always “No, I need to find ______ ” –my response varies, depending on the IQ of the clerk..

  14. chuck says:

    @ paul
    I did.

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