If you listen to Johnny Dare you probably know my girlfriend Chocolate Becky...
Make that, former girlfriend.
Anyway, her "White Devil Weekend," on The Rock is a funny, popular piece. Becky does the five minute rant each week and it’s played several times on Thursdays and Fridays. Of course, she always ends it with taking jabs at yours truly. She got the job because she called me a million times and left mean but very funny messages like, "That’s why I always hate you, you cheap ass little dick bastard. You never leave me any money. You make me drive all the way over there to pick up $10. Burn in hell, you bastard. I’m gonna get a sniper to shoot your ass."
I mean, you can’t write that kinda stuff.
By the way, I know some of you want the "little dick" part to be true, but it’s not.
Black girls are used to having well, some pretty big ones, so all white guys take that hit, even if its false. And they know it pisses us off.
In real life I went out with Becky’s beautiful sister back in the 90’s before she moved to New York. And little, cute sister Becky was just jumping for joy to step in for big sis after she left.
It was Westport 2000 so Becky became a once in awhile come-over girl.
She always meant well, but let’s just say, she’s limited – the girl can’t keep a job. Truth is, for all of the radio jokes the only black girls I dated over the past decade were Becky and Black Barbie. The rest of the women who came by were not.
Barbie’s a major beauty, Becky’s cute, but a headache.
So somehow I kind of became her guardian as well. Ten bucks here, 20 there.
"I can’t pay for my phone (tears). Help!"
So yeah, Becky became almost more of a ward than a girlfriend. And she calls me all-the-time.
It’s funny but very annoying. Of course Dare loves it and has had her on to attack me. But in her wacked out way she loves me and is just a lost soul. She’s not a bad or wicked girl, she’s just always broke and has no real family help.
GET A JOB GIRL…Damn.
Last week was one of the best. She bought a little used car from one of those fly by night dealers who sell to the needy and the poor with no credit. They charge 12 grand for a car worth 4 grand and people pay like $200 every two weeks. Then if they miss a payment the dealer picks it up and sells it again. They sell these puppies three times over and make like ten grand a car.
It’s sad, but legal.
So sometimes I lend / give Becky a few bucks to keep it up. Oh, man. I told her it had to stop, that we all have bills. That she’s not my girlfriend, not my responsibility.
So last week at 6 AM comes this call…
"Mister Glazer, this is Pastor Johnson…Can you find it in your heart to give poor little Rebecca one hundred dollars to save the girl’s car? She needs money to feed her poor puppy. The girl is starting a new job and she needs her car. The girl needs to eat. How will she feed herself? Mister Glazer, even $95 will help, sir."
I started to say something but…
"Mister Glazer, the girl is one day gonna ride that big bus to heaven. And you could be next to her on the front seat, Mister Glazer. If only you can find it inside you to give little Rebecca $85. Can you find the $85? I can stop by today to get it. The church is covering the rest, Mister Glazer."
Then I asked, ‘Well, that’s only about 85 more dollars – how many members do you have?’
"Mister Glazer, we have just over two thousand."
And I thought, WTF did each person put in a couple pennies?
"Mister Glazer, you want to be on that bus with little Becky. Can you find it in your heart sir to leave this poor Pastor $80 today? Can you?"
I said, STOP, I’ll leave you the one hundred, but don’t ever call me again. And I DON’T WANT TO BE ON HER BUS TO HEAVEN. I’LL TAKE THE OTHER BUS.
"But Mister Glazer, we don’t know what direction that bus will be headed sir."
I said, THAT’S FINE – JUST ANY BUS SHE ISN’T ON. Come get the money and leave me alone….
CHOCOLATE BECKY on 98,9 THE ROCK WEEKLY.
My pain can be your laughter. Just don’t judge.