Hearne: Caveat Emptor @ Not So ‘Picturesque’ Oceans of Fun

Tis the season…

To go swimming, of course. And with Memorial Day weekend in the rearview mirror, the heat is on for locals to sign up at local swimming holes, hit the country club or in many cases…head to Oceans of Fun. You know, that paragon of pay-per-swim "amusement park" located near Liberty alonside former Chiefs owner Lamar Hunt‘s other brainchild, Worlds of Fun.

Here’s how Wikipedia describes Oceans:

  "A tropically-themed water park that opened on May 31, 1982 in Kansas City, Missouri to celebrate World’s of Fun’s 10th year anniversary. At the time it was opened it was the largest water park in the world. It is owned and operated by Cedar Fair Entertainment Co."

Which doesn’t, of course, speak to the "experience" awaiting families and swinging singles in search of giant slides, wave pools, "lazy rivers" and the like.

Enter Topeka mom Ann Thompson and her 9 and 13 year-old sons who ventured out to Oceans Sunday to capture the experience and launch the summer swim season.

Thompson’s take on her experience was less than she imagined.

"I would never go to with a date," she says. "if a date wanted me to go to Oceans of Fun I would never go out with them again."

Why so harsh?

"Because there’s probably no other place on this planet where I’ve seen more obese, toothless people with back hair – both sexes – ever. Ever!"

The "family scene" wasn’t much better, Thompson says.

"I’ve never seen so many overweight children in my life either," she says. "There was this one woman in line in front of me to get a drink and she had her two-year old daughter with her. And she bought her a really bi, like 64 ounce Coke and her daughter was screaming for it. And when she got it she started gulping it down – it was disgusting.

"I mean, that’s why kids are obese today. Because their parents shove sodas down their throats at the age of two. And the lines were just jam-packed with hot, sweaty, disgusting people. It was so gross. I mean, the largest people on the planet go to Oceans of Fun.

"And the thought of me sharing water with them was disgusting. I never fully submered, put it that way

There’s more…

"There was basically no room to stand in the wave pool it was so crowded," Thompson continues. "I also saw a ton of bad tatoos."

How about the Hotties Quotient?

"There was only one hottie that I saw the entire afternoon," Thompson says. "And he was standing next to me on one of the rides with his little girl. And no babes, not one. It seemed to me the people oversall were better-looking at the Schlitterbahn. I went there the first year."

The sum up:

"I am not going back anytime soon," Thompson vows. "I fulfilled my motherly duties for the summer. Thank god I didn’t get the season pass. My kids had a blast," she says. "But it’s a sacrifice a mother has to make for her children."



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35 Responses to Hearne: Caveat Emptor @ Not So ‘Picturesque’ Oceans of Fun

  1. the dude says:

    breaking news…
    people still fat and ugly in the midwest…. back to your regularly scheduled drivel…

  2. kcfred says:

    No wonder the Star begged you to come back. That’s some riveting journalism there. I gather Thompson must be a friend of yours. WOF was crowded on Memorial Day and our kids are too fat. EXTRA!

  3. kcobserver says:

    Topeka Mom Ann Thompson Doesn’t Like Oceans of Fun . . .
    . . . yep that’s it – the entire story. In related stories to come:

    – Grain Valley Accountant Tom Johnson thinks Bryant’s ribs not as good as they used to be.
    – Olathe schoolteacher Lana Lane thinks Kohl’s spring shoe sale lacking in diversity.
    – Lenexa carpenter Barry Allen doesn’t go to Home Depot for nails anymore, thinks nails at Lowes are superior.

  4. Hearne says:

    Hey take it or leave it…
    And it’s Oceans of Fun, not Worlds of Fun, btw

  5. balbonis moleskine says:

    This is now the 3rd “KC is fat” story you have run in a week.

    You sound like a weird manorexic with all this bile.

  6. Bill says:

    Not a Topeka mom
    Truth is Mancow secretly posed as a mom from Topeka for this story.

  7. the dude says:

    Now that
    I can believe.

  8. mark smith says:

    i almost choked on my deep fried chocolate bacon sammich
    I thought mancow had clinched the shallow douche weasel award for saying he would fuck around on his wife of she weighed 150 #, then you come up with some woman from topeka who was just beside herself over fat people and bad tatts. She is from topeka for fatty arbuckles sake, fuckin topeka. Geez you’d think fat people , bad tatts and hairy backs would be right up anyone’s alley who lives on topeka, and that’s just the women. I’m less concerned about people’s personal business, like weight or what they feed their own children, and more concerned about the priorities of a woman who would put herself and her child in water that contains the piss of a few thousand people. Now that is disgusting.

  9. mark smith says:

    excuse the typos
    My fat Missouri fingers are just too clumsy. Is also like to tell mancow and topeka sue, to eat a bag of dicks. I hear they are low cal and taste like chicken. Jesus hearne those 2 tools make glazer seem like ghandi.

  10. mark smith says:

    meant ann not sue
    I get those names confused, they both have a cornfed Midwestern vibe.

  11. mike says:

    I guess the obese are the last group of people left where it is not politically incorrect to talk about like this. You used to hear the same kind of crap about minorities at swimming pools. Did you just go there to stare at people? Sorry everyone is not up to your standards of perfection. Give me a break!

  12. Guy Who Says What Others Think says:

    Who is going to Oceans of Fun looking to hook up?
    I mean, other than teenagers? Good God. What a stupid article with an even dumber premise. I take my 4 kids there (and WOF) for summer entertainment. It’s a public waterpark. Since when were those expected to be hangouts for the “beautiful people”?

  13. rkcal says:

    “the fat are inheriting the earth” articles
    are getting redundant, but here’s why it matters …..all of us have to pay for individuals that create their own gravitational pull. Sky-rocketing health care costs are directly tied to the gawd-awful eating and exercise habits of Americans. When the Chinese take over, they won’t have to fire a shot; they’ll just throw out cubes of butter and watch us fight to the death over them.

  14. Mary says:

    I don’t care what people look like, but this place doesn’t look like fun to me at all. I dislike large crowds, especially ones consisting mostly of children.

    By the way, what do you think the pee/water ratio must be in a place like that?


  15. mike says:

    There is probably enough chlorine in the water to turn everyone that gets in it into a blonde.

  16. Lance the Intern says:

    Who gives a shit what Ann from Topeka thinks? She can hang out at the pool at Gage park with Fred Phelps.

  17. mike says:

    While we’re at it,
    how about having Jolly do a review on Chucky Cheese and whine about how it is a bad place to meet hot single women!

  18. expat says:

    Yeah people in KC are fat and slovenly
    Whenever I’m in KC I’m always shocked at how fat and unkempt the people are, even ‘upscale’ types who are usually on the KC bound flight with me. The cause is fairly clear though: large amounts of sugar that everyone eats in the form of carbohydrates, sweets and high fructose corn syrup. Sugar is a kind of poison where the body is concerned because it breaks the normal ability to break down fat into energy. Gary Taubes’ Why We Get Fat is a good read on this.

  19. chuck says:

    This many comments, and no one has called it “Oceans Of Scum”.

  20. mike says:

    I love the stereotype that overweight people are all too stupid to know it is bad for them. People complain about being offended by their appearence and then turn around and act concerned about them to justify their ridicule of them. How many of these people that complain about fat people keep their weight down by smoking cigarettes or using meth or cocaine? I would have no problem with an article talking about the health issues associated with obesity. These last two articles have been no more than thinly veiled grade school level ridicule of fat people.

  21. expat says:

    The one thing these articles prove for certain: mike is fat.

  22. mike says:

    I am not huge, but need to lose weight. The reason this hits a nerve is because I was fat as a kid. People think if you are overweight, that justifies being treated with disrespect. Making fun of someones appearence is about the most juvenile way imaginable to elevate your ego.

  23. Super Dave says:

    Well when at OOF just remember that just because it looks like a Baby Ruth floating it can’t be or all the fatties that are suppose to be there would have already ate it.

    Never been to the place and after dealing with pools for over 40 years no way you ever find me in that water. On average people have about 0.14 grams of feces on their bottoms which, when rinsed off, can contaminate recreational water. People who have diarrhea have millions of germs. If a swimmer has diarrhea, he or she can contaminate water if he or she has an “accident” in the pool. A particularly nasty customer that can be swimming alongside you is cryptosporidium, a parasite that laughs at chlorine and can cause diarrheal distress. The approximate disinfectant time in chlorinated water for this germ is nearly seven days. In the very young (say, that newborn you are “flying” through the water) or those with immune problems, crypto can cause severe debilitating illnesses. Some water parks have — charmingly — been described as “diarrhea farms.”

    So no don’t think you will ever find me in that water.

  24. harley says:

    A friend of mine worked there and said they would have divers go into the wave pool to clean it out.
    It was not unusual to find guns/knives/diapers/clothing/condoms and other things much worse than
    After reading super daves in depth comments i think i will be staying away from that place for a very
    long time.
    As far as the obese stories on here and the fact that KC was voted one of the fatest cities in the nation by
    a national magazine. I think the obesity issue goes beyond just a physical matter.
    As we argue about health care I saw a survey that said obese people and the physical problems they
    suffer (heart problems/diabetes and other major diseases) account for a huge lion share of this nation’s
    health care costs. I am iin great shape. Work out consistently. Essentially my health costs have to take
    into account the costs that are incurred by those obese people. My rates go up because of the costs
    to take care of these overweight people. Conservatives and republicans hark about personal
    responsibility so I say if these people continue their obese lifestyle they should have a separate
    insurance program and they should have to pay considerably more. If you’re obese i feel you lack
    personal control. I see people in wal mart in the scooters because they are so fat they can’t
    walk. Hey…if they can’t take personal responsibility for their own lives i say let them go get
    their own insurance and not make me pay for the fact that they can’t stop eating like pigs.
    The same for smokers. I say if you smoke…you don’t get health insurance OR you set up a
    separate system for these people and let me pay for the cost of my healthy lifestyle.
    It’s time for americans to become personally responsible for their health.
    Hearne is right on this point. We have about 33% of americans who are obese…if we conquer
    obesity and get rid of the killer cigarettes we can afford to pay for anything this nation wants.
    The artilce noted that 20% of americans account for about 76% of the health care costs.
    It went on to note that the biggest factors in health care werre obesity and tobacco.
    America should wake up. I’ve been to the events and seen the fat/overweight/ people there.
    Why are we allowing them to c ontinue this lifestyle and the rest of us have to pay for it.
    The first lady has it right…childhood obesity is a major problem in america. And we have to
    do something to fight it. Why haven’t we paid more attention to problems like this?
    Is it right that the lack of control by other people has to force us to ration health care and
    to have to pay such high rates because these other people can’t control themselves.
    And many of these people have the money to pay for health insurance and don’t which causes the
    rest of us to use taxpayer money to pay for their medical costs.

  25. Skeptic says:

    What about smoking?
    Missouri also has one of the highest smoking rates per capita. This is also a legal, personal choice with just as many negative health aspects that we all pay for. Bloomberg is trying to legislate that it be illegal to sell sugary drinks over 16 oz. in NY city. Tobacco has a very strong lobby. Sugar does not.

  26. harley says:

    i agree with skeptic
    smoking is causing huge increases in health care costs. Ban them. Or if someone smokes they don’t get
    into my insurance plan and they go into a plan just for smokers. If you get rid of cigarettes or get people to
    stop we could save billions of dollars in health costs. I’m sick of paying for these weak people to smoke and
    not control their personal actions.

  27. mike says:

    I have no problem
    with an intelligent discussion on the health issues associated with obesity, smoking, drinking, drugs, promiscuity, or any other personal vice. My objection was to ridiculing ones personal appearence. As far as people costing us more due to theri lifestyles, I hate to sound mercenary, but what does it cost the taxpayers when a healthy person lives longer and draws benefits longer versus an unhealthy person who costs more while they are here, but doesn’t draw benefits for as long. The reason I bring this up is that one of the reasons social security is in a financial mess is that life expectancy has gone up dramatically since it’s inception. I really don’t know the answer to this but it would be interesting to crunch all the numbers and look at the big picture.

  28. Skeptic says:

    That’s right, Mike
    My main point is that government should NOT be legislating lifestyle choices be it health, religion, etc. Motorcycles are inherently more dangerous/risky to operate than a car and most states don’t even have helmet laws much less discussions on banning them.

  29. harley says:

    i understand
    some people have no way to stop their obesity. It may be genetic. I’m not a doctor. But while we argue over the
    future of health care in america we need to examine where the money is spent.
    Conservatives and republicans are always spouting personal responsiblity. I agree. But we need to
    examine how the people and their action affect the overall health care situation. If 80% of he dollars are going
    to just 20% of the people we need to look at how those dollars are being spent. Why wait til kids are 20
    years old and having medi al problems ….get to the root and solve this problem.
    As far as payouts for social security we all know that needs to be adjusted and changed. As far as people
    who are healthy living longer i can’t say beause i don’t knwo the numbers.
    What i do know is that smoking and obesity are problems we have to attack. Tv commercials are not
    going to change peoples habits. If we are to be able to afford health care in this nation we have to
    start with the causes of the huge spending we have in health care. Its going to bankrupt us
    if we don’t.
    I have seen obama go after the huge rip offs in medicare that are costing us billions. We need to
    go after the reasons we spend so much in helath care without a correpsonding increase in
    life expectancy. I think canada spends half of what we do per capita and they live longer.
    Same in parts of europe. Why?
    And mike is right…lets get some stats before the politicians screw things up even more.

  30. harley says:

    the government already tells us how to live
    wear seat belts…costs me $20 when i got caught. Theres thousands of instances where the government tells
    us what to do and legislates our lifestyle. But if the taxpayer has to pay for these peoples lack of control
    in their lives…what do we do. Let the costs spiral up.
    Somethings got to be done. I see it everyday at the stores.
    the government is legislating even more liefstyle choicesw everyday…how about contraception? Thats a lifestyle
    choice and the government stuckits ass in that deal.
    If i as a taxpayer have to pay for these people health care…something must be done. we can’t continue
    wtih what we now have…the costs are baknruptcing the nation…
    We see the problems…how do we solve them in a free country?

  31. mike says:

    Your last sentence is the key. If we legislate lifestyles to people, we are no longer a free country. That is a another potential discussion.

  32. Guy says:

    I took my 8 year old to both waterparks last summer and OOF is 100x more fun than Shitterbum. That place is flat and made mostly of concrete with no shade, unless you want to share an umbrella at a picnic table with a stranger.
    The slides suck!!! Every damn one requires a tube to ride on. This not only is a pain in the ass to lug around, when in a crowd on stairs, but also makes for a slow, boring ride.
    I was a lifeguard for years when I was younger, so I know what your are supposed to be doing on the guard stand and what you are not supposed to be doing. At Shitterbaum, most of the lifeguards I saw looked like lil hood rats that had a look on their faces like they couldn’t give a shit less about keeping people safe. Hell, most of the guards I saw had high top, basketball shoes with socks on. How are you going to make a save dressed like that? Good luck swimmin in your Air Jordans.
    Finally, lets talk price and being sold a bill of goods. Shitterbum has promised a complete park for 2 years now. As you will see, if you go there, it is far from finished, yet they want you to pay a ticket price that is not discounted to reflect the lack of completion.
    Bottom line, the park sucks and reminds me much of the cordish group and the way they manage their out of town, money grab. Oceans might be a lil long in the tooth, but it is still landscaped beautifully, the rides are well maintained(shitterbums already had paint missing and rusty stairs going up to the slides) and the attractions are spaced out, giving more room to move. And….the most important factor is the “fun factor”. The Typhoon at OOF still is better than ANYTHING at shitterbum. And one last news flash…..FLUFFY FOLKS ARE EVERYWHERE. Doesn’t matter which park you go to. Deal with it.

  33. the dude says:

    if you think oof is bad
    shitterbahn is a total joke. Lots of promises when they were wanting to build and then proceeded to open a park with only a third of the promised amenities but charging FULL PRICE.

    Unpaid taxes to UG as of 5-31-12:
    2010: $698,494.89
    2011: $662,830.03


  34. harley says:

    dude…what is going on out there
    it seems the business is huge at legends…how does this shliterban get away without paying the taxes??
    is the state of kansas on the hook for this? i hardly hear about it…how is the government down there allowing
    the company to stay i business??/// whos responsible besides the state of kansas? who screwed this up?
    I really havent followed it.

  35. Bob says:

    Couldn’t the same thing be said
    about Glazers comedy club. Speaking of Glazer I noticed that the pictures accompanying this article are of children. Glazer take them? In fact is this really Glazer writing. He went to Oceans to score and all he found was fat kids that refused to watch him have sex so now he is pissed???

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