Tis the season…
To go swimming, of course. And with Memorial Day weekend in the rearview mirror, the heat is on for locals to sign up at local swimming holes, hit the country club or in many cases…head to Oceans of Fun. You know, that paragon of pay-per-swim "amusement park" located near Liberty alonside former Chiefs owner Lamar Hunt‘s other brainchild, Worlds of Fun.
Here’s how Wikipedia describes Oceans:
"A tropically-themed water park that opened on May 31, 1982 in Kansas City, Missouri to celebrate World’s of Fun’s 10th year anniversary. At the time it was opened it was the largest water park in the world. It is owned and operated by Cedar Fair Entertainment Co."
Which doesn’t, of course, speak to the "experience" awaiting families and swinging singles in search of giant slides, wave pools, "lazy rivers" and the like.
Enter Topeka mom Ann Thompson and her 9 and 13 year-old sons who ventured out to Oceans Sunday to capture the experience and launch the summer swim season.
Thompson’s take on her experience was less than she imagined.
"I would never go to with a date," she says. "if a date wanted me to go to Oceans of Fun I would never go out with them again."
Why so harsh?
"Because there’s probably no other place on this planet where I’ve seen more obese, toothless people with back hair – both sexes – ever. Ever!"
The "family scene" wasn’t much better, Thompson says.
"I’ve never seen so many overweight children in my life either," she says. "There was this one woman in line in front of me to get a drink and she had her two-year old daughter with her. And she bought her a really bi, like 64 ounce Coke and her daughter was screaming for it. And when she got it she started gulping it down – it was disgusting.
"I mean, that’s why kids are obese today. Because their parents shove sodas down their throats at the age of two. And the lines were just jam-packed with hot, sweaty, disgusting people. It was so gross. I mean, the largest people on the planet go to Oceans of Fun.
"And the thought of me sharing water with them was disgusting. I never fully submered, put it that way
"There was basically no room to stand in the wave pool it was so crowded," Thompson continues. "I also saw a ton of bad tatoos."
How about the Hotties Quotient?
"There was only one hottie that I saw the entire afternoon," Thompson says. "And he was standing next to me on one of the rides with his little girl. And no babes, not one. It seemed to me the people oversall were better-looking at the Schlitterbahn. I went there the first year."
The sum up:
"I am not going back anytime soon," Thompson vows. "I fulfilled my motherly duties for the summer. Thank god I didn’t get the season pass. My kids had a blast," she says. "But it’s a sacrifice a mother has to make for her children."