When you’re a fan of Kansas City sports, the end of May and early June is a bleak time. The Royals are typically toast, the Chiefs are just starting OTA junk and collegiate athletics—the ones worth paying attention to, anyway—are stagnant. If you’re an NBA or NHL fan (LOLZ! at that last one!!!), this is an exciting time, though. Playoffs, baby.
In case you missed it—and let’s be honest, most of you probably did—the OKC Thunder ousted the Lakers, the Spurs steamrolled the Clippers, the Heat will probably dismiss the Pacers in short order (though it’s worth noting that the Pacers have made it a close series, at least) and the Celtics and the 76ers—wait, what? Are we sure it’s THOSE 76ers? It is? Well…okay, if you say so—are heading into a Game 7 showdown this Saturday.
So just who in the hell is watching this stuff? The Lakers Executive Vice Cougar, for one.
@JeanieBuss (EVP Lakers, Phil Jackson’s GF, Unbelievably sexy lady)
“Congrats to OK City #Thunder. 1st class organization starting at the top. OKC is OK with me – good luck through rest of #NBA playoffs.”
What a thoughtful, classy tweet from someone who is transparently passing along tidings of well-wishes and… whatever. I can’t do this. I didn’t even read whatever her tweet said. I just included her so I could post her picture. Where have I been? Where has SHE been all my life? How did I have no idea that the Executive Whatever in Charge of Holy Shit was so goddamned hot?! Wow. And she’s ridiculously wealthy? AND wears sexy business suits? I’m sold. And totally in trouble with my wife, now. Let’s move on.
@lilduval (standup comedian)
“U know how boring the nba finals would be if indiana and San antonio make it there?”
Um, yes, yes I do. The Spurs are archaic and would be boring against whoever they play (let’s go OKC!). The Pacers are… the Pacers. They haven’t been fun since Ron Artest was punching civilians in the stands. Thankfully, I don’t think the Pacers are a very real threat. Speaking of Artest—nee Metta World Peace—just how is he handling the Lakers dismissal?
@MettaWorldPeace (LA Lakers, notorious head-case)
“Which OKC fan got my jersey??? Tell her to tweet it do I can sign it for her…. Like 50fans were trying to get it but she had a fatty….”
He’s nothing if not honest, folks.
You know who ISN’T watching the NBA playoffs (aside from you and everyone you know)? This guy:
@GrantWahl (Senior writer, Sports Illustrated)
“Buddy of mine tried to watch NBA playoffs in NYC bar with NBA exec Sat. Got shut down since every place was showing Champions League final.”
And rightfully so. The Champions League Final between Chelsea and Bayern Munich came down to a thrilling shootout after Chelsea’s Didier Drogba tied the match up late in the second half, thereby eliminating my Tottenham Hotspurs from contention in next year’s Champions League competition, thanks a lot for that, YOU COCKSUCKING BASTARDS. (this just in—UEFA’s executive committee will be reviewing Tottenham’s bid, so all may not be lost… I’m sure you were delirious with concern).
Although you’re likely spent after all of this engrossing, deeply thrilling NBA and soccer talk, we must press on. There’s baseball to be had, and despite only minimal signs of encouragement on the major league front:
@Buster_ESPN (Buster Olney)
“Alcides Escobar has taken his OPS up to .340 this year. Steady progress.”
our critically acclaimed minor league talent continues to astound and amaze.
“Wil Myers hit his 2nd Home Run in as many nights at Omaha. Hitting .417 in AAA. He’s got 15 Home Runs on the season.”
Simply put, Ol’ One L is DOMINATING. One cannot stop him, one might only hope to contain him. Will he immediately step into Kaufmann and begin humming dingers? (that sounded strange—my apologies) No, he will not. Would he provide an instant upgrade in the outfield? Quite possibly, but where? He’s playing centerfield right now, but doesn’t project as a major leaguer at the position. Jeff Francoeur isn’t a centerfielder either, nor is Alex Gordon. In a perfect world, Francoeur would pull himself out of his early season mire—lest his skillset be reverting, as seemed the case before signing with Kansas City last year—up his average while exhibiting some power, and be traded to make room. I like Frenchy—he’s great to the fans and seems to be an exemplary clubhouse guy—but he’s not a long term solution in the grand scheme of things.
New starting pitcher Will Smith could be, however, despite his first disastrous start at Yankee Stadium on Wednesday night. Though the game wasn’t pretty, his was a name that spawned a thousand jokes.
@NotESPNsTito (Not Terry Francona—parody account)
“Kansas City Royals recall pitcher Will Smith from AAA Bel Air.”
Can the “gettin’ jiggy” jokes, because that was about as good as it gets. Sam agrees:
@mellinger (Sam Mellinger, KC Star sports writer)
“Feel bad for the #Royals Will Smith. How many times has he had to fake laugh at the same bad joke?”
Well, OUR Will Smith is 22—the rapper/actor/gay-slapper was a household name by ’89 or ’90. You’ve gotta figure the pitcher was 5 before he really understood the significance of his name, he probably gets it AT LEAST a few times a week, so 3 times a week, 52 weeks a year, that’s 156 times a year, multiplied by 17 years—that’s 2,652 times that someone has made a Fresh Prince/Big Willie Style/Men in Black reference. If I were Pitcher Will Smith, I’d probably murder my parents. To death. With a fastball.
But fear not, Royals fans, comedian/actor/reformed asshole Jay Mohr has a plan:
“By the time I get to Kansas City July 7th at The Midland Theater, I will have a plan in place to fix the K.C. Royals.”
This is cool. I have no idea what it means—I’m sure there’s joking afoot!—but it’s always fun when actual celebrities mention the Royals. It fills me with some bizarre, false happiness. It’s depressing, actually.
Meanwhile, elsewhere in KC sports news, the “GREATEST BROADCASTER OF ALL TIME, EVER” (- Craig Glazer) moved on to dirtier, dustier, and more violent pastures. “LOCAL RADIO LEGEND” (- Craig Glazer) Nick Wright, who formerly filled the 610 am afternoons with his “fresh” take on sports, accepted a job with… 610 am. But in Houston. 610 producer Jared Carter put forth a plea—a really, really lame plea:
“#NickWright is a 27-yr-old man and he’s leaving KC for a bigger market. His only wish is to trend on Twitter. RT so his name will live on.”
Yeah, so I don’t think this happened. And really, who gives a shit? People pleading for retweets or attempting to get something “trending” are only (slightly) above people who tweet at their favorite athletes—“YO LADAMELIAN TOMKINSON ITS MY BIRTHDAY HOW BOUT A RETWEET PLEEZE???”—in the hierarchy of online worthlessness.
But I digress—this moment is about Nick, and I won’t ruin it. Someone asked former 610 personality and noted drug and gun-nut Bill Maas if this meant a return to the air:
@BillMaas (Former Kansas City Chief, vice enthusiast)
“I think not. but I really enjoyed working with Nick. We had good synergy. The best I’ve worked with.”
So that was nice. And sweet. Speaking of nice and sweet, Wright himself did something that I couldn’t make fun of if I tried.
“Just bought the 200 #Royals tickets to the game on June 1st. Giving 100 away to Twitter folk. If you want one, email me whatswright at gmail”
Very, very cool. Once I move on to bigger and better things—I’ve got my eye set on you, Gladstone Sun Tribune—I’m taking you all out for whores and red velvet cupcakes. Not good ones, mind you, but whores cupcakes, nonetheless. YOU’RE WELCOME.
But seriously, Nick’s a big fan of mine, and I know he reads this website daily, so I just wanted to say, “good luck.” Whether you liked him or not, he was the only real competition Kietzman had… you know, until I can parlay my gig with the Sun Tribune into my own radio show.
Speaking of local radio, what DID Kevin Kietzman have to say about his rival’s departure?
@kkwhb (810 am)
“Honeycrisp apples are the best I’ve ever had.”
Oh, Kietzman… you lovable, delusional old man, you.
And Steven St. John? Any thoughts?
“Is there any way Bruce Chen could intentionally walk Rex Hudler? #Royals”
Dear God, I agree, I agree, I AGREE. Look, I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. I thought it might take time. I thought that I’d get used to his laid-back, low-key, cool-guy, surf-speak. But I haven’t. Listening to Rex Hudler is like sticking a crocheting needle deep into the recesses of my brain while slamming the door of a 1978 Buick Skylark repeatedly on my nutsack. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. For real.
Finally, we’ll close out this edition with some Classic Canseco. Jose’s been popping up everywhere, lately, for some strange reason. The sports-gossip website Deadspin began a recurring feature, “Jose Canseco Tweets as Motivational Posters,” Bill Simmons’ love-labor Grantland.com ran an interview with the former star, and he was recently on the front page of Yahoo! in a piece regarding his poor debut with an independent baseball team in New Jersey. All along the way, it’s been repeatedly questioned whether or not he actually tweets, or whether he has a ghost-writer. Allow us to put that notion to rest with the following blitzkrieg of unabashed insanity.
First, he got into it with another of our favorites, the Iron Sheik:
@the_ironsheik (Unbalanced former WWF star)
“@JoseCanseco you piece of shit”
“@the_ironsheik be careful old man I won’t take it easy on you like I have averyone else”
I would pay almost everything in my savings to see these two fight. Like, actual for real fight. Despite Iron Sheik’s considerable age disadvantage (he’s 69 [!] to Jose’s 47), he WAS an Olympic caliber wrestler in his younger days. The thing is, both of these guys are so bat-shit crazy, I think someone wins it in a bizarre manner—Canseco chokes Sheik to death with a stray cat, or Sheik bites out Canseco’s throat or something.
This needs to happen.
When our busy boy wasn’t trying to fistfight living legends, he was shilling. Hard. And uncomfortably so.
“Wow Facebook 28 year old CEO worth 20 billion good for him maybe he will invest in my anti aging product I complete you”
“Zuckerberg congrats email me let’s buy a baseball team together Jc7264@yahoo.com”
Hey Jose—Mark Zuckerberg didn’t see this. Sorry, bro. Any other marketing ideas, though?
“Any Investors wanting to get richer please email my agent. Joemelendez@msn.com. We r full of ideas that will make a wise investment.”
Oh, I don’t doubt that AT ALL. Plus, don’t all of the best agents use msn email addresses? I mean, mine uses Hotmail, but he’s a little behind the times, I’ll admit. Any final words?
“I understand your pain haters I would trade pain with you to help you out but mine would kill you instantly cause its much greater.”
Glazer Jose, that was heavy.
“Goodnight I am going to sleep now is when the real horror begins its called nightmares”
And goodnight to you as well, sweet prince. Perhaps in our dreams, we will perchance to meet.