Look, we’ve all got mom’s, you know? (unless your mother is dead—in which case, I’m very, truly sorry for bringing it up. What happened, anyway? She was so young!) But anyway, moms… gotta love ‘em. Be they biological or a step, in-law or kidnapper, they’ve been there for you your whole life. She was there when you graduated high school and accidentally shit your pants with the compounded nervousness of being on a stage in front of thousands of people. She stuck up for you when you were learning to ride a bicycle and you accidentally crashed it into your douchebag neighbor’s Ferrari and put a scratch in it and that greasy Mexican screamed at you and called you a worthless piece of shit, berating you until you felt like ending your life at the tender age of 5.
Moms: God bless each and every one of them. But the truth is, you haven’t done enough for her. Trust me… you haven’t. But the good news is, you can start this coming Sunday. Selecting an appropriate gift is one way of beginning to build the bridge you burned when you stole $15,000 from her savings account and ran off to Thailand where you met a chick who didn’t turn out to be a chick at all (not that you knew that before you married it in a regrettable opiate haze).
Choosing a gift can be tricky, though. What kind of mom is she? Is she a nice mom, or a really nice mom? Does she like to sing, or does she like Singer sewing machines?
Mom’s are like snowflakes; no two are alike and an accumulation of them can cause car-accidents. Knowing your mom is the first step in selecting the perfect gift. If you don’t know your mother at all, and shudder at the idea of learning more about her, why don’t you just buy something I suggest? Problem solved.
For the mom who likes to golf:
Buy her some golf tees. They’re cheap, useful and sometimes, you can find tees painted to resemble teeny little penises. Wouldn’t that be hilarious? Your mom hitting the links with a bag full of baby penises? What a hoot!
For the mom who likes sex:
Get your mom a prostitute. (but don’t skimp!!!) The options here are limitless. Does she like greased up black dudes? That can be arranged. Needle-marked, unwed teenaged mothers? Check. Little Chinese boys who have been sold into sex slavery? Sick.
For the mom who likes Don Cheadle:
This one’s easy. Hyperion’s Don Cheadle Collection on Blu-Ray. Featuring 8 of Cheadle’s best known works (Traffic, Boogie Nights… um, that one where he plays that guy… was he a cop? Shit. He was really good in it! You know the one I’m talking about). Anyway, if your mom likes Cheadle, she’ll fucking go nuts for this shit. Each movie has a commentary done by Cheadle himself and the collection comes with an autographed 8 x 10 photo of the Donster.
For the mom who doesn’t like Don Cheadle:
Sex in the City on Blu-Ray. Are you kidding? Who doesn’t fucking love Don Cheadle? Your mom must be a world class idiot.
For the mom who likes the outdoors/wildlife:
The possibilities here are wide open. You can get her some fishing lures. Or bug repellant. Maybe she needs some new waders or some hiking boots. Who knows? The folks over at www.daddybear.com have some great info, I’m sure (I’m not positive, though… I didn’t check it out, but it’s the internet. What could possibly go wrong, you know?)
For the mom who likes to read:
Kindle out of your price range? Get her a library card. She can check out VHS copies of forgotten 80’s classics like ‘Gung Ho’ with the delightful Michael Keaton, in addition to all of the “Choose Your Own Adventure” books her feeble mind can handle. The gift that keeps on giving (kind of).
For the mom who likes cars:
Check it: get her a Hot-Wheel of her favorite classic car. Include a card with it that says some bullshit like, ‘If this car were as big as the love for you in my heart, you’d have the real car.’ That’s pretty fucking lame, but sometimes, moms like that.
For the mom who likes food:
Get her a gift certificate to Don’s Tacos in Belton. The tacos there are really cheap, so even though you’re only spending $10 ($20 if you’re a real money-bags) she can take her boyfriend and that asshole’s daughter and only end up spending like, $15-$20 out of her own pocket. Just tell her to stay away from the margaritas! Don mixes them strong and the last thing your mee-maw needs is another DUI!
For the mom who likes her family:
Spend some time with her. Maybe you can grill out in the backyard or watch a dance competition on the television. It’s free—which means you won’t be spending any of your hard-earned plasma-selling money—and she’ll appreciate it. (you cheap, sad, son-of-a-bitch)