At this juncture, there’s no point in discussing just how abysmal this year’s Royals team is shaping up to be; everyone knows how unbearably awful they are and almost everything that is worth saying has already been said.
The starting pitching is uniformly poor.
The offense—teeming with youngsters full of promise and talent—has looked overmatched and been ineffective.
The bullpen has been inconsistent and riddled with injuries.
Ned Yost is a complete jackass ill-equipped to manage a t-ball game.
Yes, pontificating on the sorry state of your Kansas City Royals is akin to beating a dead horse—and then repeatedly raping that horse while the young horse’s son looks on, crying.
That’s why I thought it might be beneficial to take a look at the good—and it’s an admittedly short list—that transpired over the first month of the season. With bad, surely there must come good, right? Anyone…?
Let’s start with the obvious:
Hitting for Power.
Since the dawn of Billy Butler, we’ve been promised the rise of a chubby lad capable of busting out stadium lighting with one fell swoop of his maple. Ditto Alex Gordon. And Eric Hosmer, and Mike Moustakas. Power develops over time, however, and rare is the hot young prospect who immediately begins crushing towering shots fresh out of the gate. It seems that now, however, the boys have started piecing it together. Butler and Hosmer have five a piece, which puts them on track to knock in around 30. Gordon and Moose have a respectable four each. Though pickings grow slim the further you move down the stat sheet, it’s encouraging to see our supple young power-potential guys, well, hitting for power.
Playing His Way Out.
When not having his ankles busted with wicked line drives back to the mound, Luke Hochevar is either pitching lights out or getting his shit rocked harder than your douchebag hipster friend at a Jeff Mangum concert. There seems to be no in between, and for the “ace” of a pitching staff, this is COMPLETELY unacceptable. Fun stats with Hoch time, everyone!
– Hochevar’s 2012 ERA of 7.36 is third worst in the American League!
– His career ERA of 5.37 compares “favorably” with other Royals’ pitching legends like BRANDON DUCKWORTH and former staff ace (LOLZ) RUNELVYS HERNANDEZ!
– He’s making $3.5 million this year!
– He’ll turn 29 this season, the magical age at which statisticians say a pitcher is entering their peak!
With any hope, his schizophrenic April is beginning to spell the end of Luke. And no, we don’t need him to spend some time in the minors, and no, he doesn’t need to work some things out mechanically. He’s a terrible pitcher and a complete bust. With any luck, his gigantic, Dumbo-like ears will fly him back to Colorado so that Kansas City sports fans will no longer be saddled with the stink of his failure.
Jonathan Broxton Settles In.
After a blown save in early April against the mighty Oakland Athletics (.500 record!), Big Butter Broxton has “gutted” out some saves and looked “well-rounded” in doing so. His previously “rotund” ERA has dropped to a respectable 1.86, and the shoulder injury that precipitated the Dodgers’ willingness to part with him seems to be a non-issue. Broxton appears ready to carry a “hefty” workload.
Fat jokes, everyone.
But seriously, Broxton looks good which means we can flip him to a contender in July. And though the cities purveyors of fine barbecue may weep, it’s simply a necessitation.
Gloat ‘Em If You Got ‘Em.
You know who has a worse team ERA than the Royals? The BASTAN FACKIN’ RED SOX and the MINNESOTA TWINS. That’s right, suck it, you bean-eating racists and… nice people with mostly pleasant dispositions. Again, this may seem petty, or insignificant, but when you’re a Kansas City sports fan, you take the small victories and act like they’re a really big deal. If you don’t, you’re liable to vomit yourself to death and/or abuse prescription pain medication.
Alright, so I was only able to come up with four. Four, measly (though exciting!!!) things to take away from the first month of the season. Be sure to tune in for next month’s installment where I hope to share the following:
– Ned Yost’s dismissal.
– Yuniesky’s Player of the Month honors (don’t ask).
– Luke Hochevar’s demotion (they won’t release him, unfortunately, but at least it’s a start).
– A THREE GAME WINNING STREAK, YO.
– Hosmer raises his season average to something north of .200.
– Jarrod Dyson uses his speed for something good (triples, stolen bases) instead of evil (hilarious miscues in centerfield).
Until then, we’ll see you in the cellar, sports fans!