We interrupt this Dick Clark and Royals wake to bring you a few distractions from….
The national media circus that continues to surround ousted Arkansas head football coach Bobby Petrino. You know, the dude who was slated to become the poster child for Missouri‘s new SEC football rivalry with the neighboring state that will replace Kansas?
Unfortunately, the 51 year-old Petrino had the romantic misfortune of banging bodies with a 20-something volleyball hottie who was engaged to another Arkansas coach. All of which fell asunder after Petrino dumped his motorcycle recently, babe aboard, and all heck broke out in the biggest college sports sex scandal since Penn State.
Or was it Syracuse?
In any case, it appears the Star kinda skipped this story for its print readers – you know, the paying customers – but there’s been plenty of fun stuff written elsewhere, so why not share?
Take the "6 Awesome Things About Bobby Petrino’s Resume" Houston Press writer Sean Pendergast set forth earlier today.
"The Bobby Petrino Saga. It won’t go away. And that’s good because I can’t look away," Pendergast begins.
That in reference to the Freedom of Information Act unearthing more than 100 pages of documents related to the scandal. But while almost everybody else was zeroed in on the s-e-x, Pendergast’s poolside reading focused on the Petrino’s resume.
"If you’re like me — a self-respecting American who’s had to apply for a job before — you’ll appreciate just how ridiculous this document is," Pendergast begins. "How much do I love this resume? Let me count the ways."
"It’s entitled ‘Resume’ at the top of the page," Pendergast continues. "Usually when someone is sending you their resume, it’s kind of understood that that’s what it is, but maybe the good people in Arkansas need to be reminded exactly what ‘that there dockyment that has all that feller’s old jobs listed’ is called. Either that or maybe Bobby Petrino feels the need to entitle all of his personal documents, and if that’s the case did he put ‘PUNK ASS EXIT LETTER’ at the top of the note he left for his Falcon players when he skulked out of Atlanta in the middle of the night?"
Which brings us to the accent mark Petrino added to resume – as in resumé. Except Petrino wrote, resume’
"First of all, I don’t know of a single English speaking person who feels compelled to place an accent on the long e at the end of the word ‘resume,’ but whatever," Penderast says. "Bonus points for Petrino for trying to be worldly, I guess. Very European, Bobbo…However, if you’re going to ‘accent up’ the word ‘resume,’ then you need to…use an actual accent mark. An apostrophe is not an accent mark. Using an apostrophe as an accent aigu is the punctuation equivalent of farting in the bath tub and calling it a jacuzzi."
Then there’s that Petrino calls himself "Bobby" on the resume.
"This is funny on two levels," Pendergast writes. "First, the general rule of thumb with resumes is to use your full given name, and unless Petrino’s parents named him ‘Bobby,’ then the appropriate protocol is to use his full name of ‘Robert.’ Second, and more importantly, you have a grown man referring to himself as ‘Bobby.’ Isn’t there an age where you cease being ‘Bobby’ and you become ‘Bob’? Like, 12 years old?"
In addition Petrino included zero contact information on his resume.
The kicker being that Petrino misspelled the name of his alma mater on the resume as Carol College instead of Carroll College.
"I don’t have official confirmation on this fact, but I believe this makes Petrino the first and only person to ever spell the name of his alma mater incorrectly on his resume and still get selected for a job paying nearly $3 million per year," Pendergast says.
More to the point of the document discovery, "The hot stuff started when Bobby Petrino and Jessica Dorrell were sitting in a car having lunch together and she asked him, ‘Are you going to kiss me?’ " writes San Francisco Chronicle writer Scott Ostler. "Petrino revealed that tender moment while he was being probed by Arkansas athletic director Jeff Long, whose notes were obtained by the Associated Press under what is now known as the Freedom of Too Much Information Act.
"When Dorrell asked Petrino about the kiss, sirens should have gone off for the married 51-year-old (then) coach," Ostler continues. "We all know what ‘Are you going to kiss me?’ leads to. It leads to, ‘Are you going to take me to the prom?’ "
In addition to coughing up a 20 grand Christmas present that Dorrell hid under her mattress and later used to buy a black Acura, Petrino showered her in – would you believe? – Hot Tamales. You know, the candy.
"Petrino was fired, so we’ll never get to experience the fan reaction whenever his Razorbacks played on the road," Ostler says. "(But) fans would have (probably) pelted Bobby with Hot Tamales…"
The discovery also included fun facts like Arkansas athletic director Jeff Long writing down notes like, "Kissed on lunch outing" and "Why would she say she expected the relationship to continue if the motorcrash didn’t occur."
Then there’s the poor slob Dorrell was engaged to, who naively told Long that, "Football gave her a bonus to get the car" because "football has a car guy."
Worse yet, Dorrell apparently used a portion of Petrino’s $20,000 gift to help pay for her upcoming, but presumably now-cancelled wedding.
Which brings us to what is supposed to be Dorrell’s final payoff from the Petrino affair.
"Dorrell resigned from her position in the football department Tuesday and received a $14,000 settlement to not attempt to sell or profit from her affiliation with the athletic department," the Arkansas News Bureau reports.
Call me a skeptic, but no way she’s going to pass on a book, movie, magazine or Playboy shoot on this deal.