Star Search: Forget Dick Clark & This Year’s Royals, We’ve Got Bobby & Jessica

We interrupt this Dick Clark and Royals wake to bring you a few distractions from….

The national media circus that continues to surround ousted Arkansas head football coach Bobby Petrino. You know, the dude who was slated to become the poster child for Missouri‘s new SEC football rivalry with the neighboring state that will replace Kansas?

Unfortunately, the 51 year-old Petrino had the romantic misfortune of banging bodies with a 20-something volleyball hottie who was engaged to another Arkansas coach. All of which fell asunder after Petrino dumped his motorcycle recently, babe aboard, and all heck broke out in the biggest college sports sex scandal since Penn State.

Or was it Syracuse?

In any case, it appears the Star kinda skipped this story for its print readers – you know, the paying customers – but there’s been plenty of fun stuff written elsewhere, so why not share?

Take the "6 Awesome Things About Bobby Petrino’s Resume" Houston Press writer Sean Pendergast set forth earlier today.

"The Bobby Petrino Saga. It won’t go away. And that’s good because I can’t look away," Pendergast begins.

That in reference to the Freedom of Information Act unearthing more than 100 pages of documents related to the scandal. But while almost everybody else was zeroed in on the s-e-x, Pendergast’s poolside reading focused on the Petrino’s resume.

"If you’re like me — a self-respecting American who’s had to apply for a job before — you’ll appreciate just how ridiculous this document is," Pendergast begins. "How much do I love this resume? Let me count the ways."

"It’s entitled ‘Resume’ at the top of the page," Pendergast continues. "Usually when someone is sending you their resume, it’s kind of understood that that’s what it is, but maybe the good people in Arkansas need to be reminded exactly what ‘that there dockyment that has all that feller’s old jobs listed’ is called. Either that or maybe Bobby Petrino feels the need to entitle all of his personal documents, and if that’s the case did he put ‘PUNK ASS EXIT LETTER’ at the top of the note he left for his Falcon players when he skulked out of Atlanta in the middle of the night?"

Which brings us to the accent mark Petrino added to resume – as in resumé. Except Petrino wrote, resume’

"First of all, I don’t know of a single English speaking person who feels compelled to place an accent on the long e at the end of the word ‘resume,’ but whatever," Penderast says. "Bonus points for Petrino for trying to be worldly, I guess. Very European, Bobbo…However, if you’re going to ‘accent up’ the word ‘resume,’ then you need to…use an actual accent mark. An apostrophe is not an accent mark. Using an apostrophe as an accent aigu is the punctuation equivalent of farting in the bath tub and calling it a jacuzzi."

Then there’s that Petrino calls himself "Bobby" on the resume.

"This is funny on two levels," Pendergast writes. "First, the general rule of thumb with resumes is to use your full given name, and unless Petrino’s parents named him ‘Bobby,’ then the appropriate protocol is to use his full name of ‘Robert.’ Second, and more importantly, you have a grown man referring to himself as ‘Bobby.’ Isn’t there an age where you cease being ‘Bobby’ and you become ‘Bob’? Like, 12 years old?"

In addition Petrino included zero contact information on his resume.

The kicker being that Petrino misspelled the name of his alma mater on the resume as Carol College instead of Carroll College.

"I don’t have official confirmation on this fact, but I believe this makes Petrino the first and only person to ever spell the name of his alma mater incorrectly on his resume and still get selected for a job paying nearly $3 million per year," Pendergast says.

More to the point of the document discovery, "The hot stuff started when Bobby Petrino and Jessica Dorrell were sitting in a car having lunch together and she asked him, ‘Are you going to kiss me?’ " writes San Francisco Chronicle writer Scott Ostler. "Petrino revealed that tender moment while he was being probed by Arkansas athletic director Jeff Long, whose notes were obtained by the Associated Press under what is now known as the Freedom of Too Much Information Act.

"When Dorrell asked Petrino about the kiss, sirens should have gone off for the married 51-year-old (then) coach," Ostler continues. "We all know what ‘Are you going to kiss me?’ leads to. It leads to, ‘Are you going to take me to the prom?’ "

In addition to coughing up a 20 grand Christmas present that Dorrell hid under her mattress and later used to buy a black Acura, Petrino showered her in – would you believe? – Hot Tamales. You know, the candy.

"Petrino was fired, so we’ll never get to experience the fan reaction whenever his Razorbacks played on the road," Ostler says. "(But) fans would have (probably) pelted Bobby with Hot Tamales…"

The discovery also included fun facts like Arkansas athletic director Jeff Long writing down notes like, "Kissed on lunch outing" and "Why would she say she expected the relationship to continue if the motorcrash didn’t occur."

Then there’s the poor slob Dorrell was engaged to, who naively told Long that, "Football gave her a bonus to get the car" because "football has a car guy."

Worse yet, Dorrell apparently used a portion of Petrino’s $20,000 gift to help pay for her upcoming, but presumably now-cancelled wedding.

Which brings us to what is supposed to be Dorrell’s final payoff from the Petrino affair.

"Dorrell resigned from her position in the football department Tuesday and received a $14,000 settlement to not attempt to sell or profit from her affiliation with the athletic department," the Arkansas News Bureau reports.

Fat chance.

Call me a skeptic, but no way she’s going to pass on a book, movie, magazine or Playboy shoot on this deal.

Would you?

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12 Responses to Star Search: Forget Dick Clark & This Year’s Royals, We’ve Got Bobby & Jessica

  1. the dude says:

    Nothing better than
    a nice Petrino/arKANSAS scandal. With it being arKANSAS I am surprised it wasn’t his sister or first cousin he was a kissin’
    What did they (arKANSAS) think they were getting when they hired this jerk? Maybe he can get a job with Kiffin at USC, they seem to like hiring contract breakers.

  2. paulwilsonkc says:

    My sports star diatribe….
    …spoiled little boys, who never grow up, who are never told no, who are set apart as kids when they show talent… and are trained that THEY are DIFFERENT. THEY are better! They have “skils”. Then to college, where thats reenforced with tutors, ways to cehat the system, as they continue the trail of misdeeds until they get to the pro levels where its fully manifested in outrageous behavior.

    Yes, I know that Joe Normal does the same thing, but its shown at an alarming level in this little segment, where you can take the kid out of the hood, but you can’t take the hood out of the kid. That goes for white players/coaches too!!

  3. the dude says:

    That resume looks
    like the average arKANSAS University tenured professor, probably a little more polished. Using fancy words like coordinator and experience.
    I am surprised it didn’t include whittlin’ or moonshinin’ as hobbies.


  4. Merle Tagladucci says:

    ” the biggest college sports sex scandal since Penn State”

    So, the biggest sports scandal of the past 6 months? Sandusky was arrested in November…barely six months ago.

    And isn’t this Kansas City? Why do we care about Arkansas football?

  5. Cliffy says:

    You need to keep up, Hearne. The Petrino story is so two weeks ago …

  6. kcfred says:

    Uh huh
    This is what an $18 million piece of ass looks like.

  7. paulwilsonkc says:

    kcfred.. thats hilarious, but more to my point..
    if you put things in perspective, on balance with the rest of the world, thats what a $100K piece of ass looks like and its STILL TOO EXPENSIVE!

    IT’S FOOTBALL. Its A GAME for god’s sake!! $18M my ass! I do NOT understand how these guys carry the value they do any more than some of our CEO’s who are paid 10 times that in severance to LEAVE a company they successfully flew down the toilet! We are a confused society.

  8. balbonis moleskine says:

    paul, to thine own self be true.

    At first blush, it certainly seems ridiculous that these coaches make too much money. But you have to remember that Arkansas Football is a 100 million dollar business with a profit margin of around 10-20%, enough to pay for every other athletic program.

    You were a person successful in the corporate world. You know the importance of having a good leader and face for the organization. You also know as a capitalist that you can’t begrudge someone for getting what the market will bear.

    When I played they would haul us out for handshakes and meet and greets in our Jerseys when the rich alums with deep pockets visited. Our program, unlike Arkansas’, was not a program run in the black by itself. But when you factor in alumni donations that were made because they were sports fans (donations which went to build rec centers that had an athletes-only area, etc) the university came out far, far ahead.

    I will bang the drum for the idea of paying players in college. You could give them a small stipend. You could take the revenue from licensing and place it in trust, only to be claimed if they graduate. It wasn’t that big of a deal where I played, we were students who played FB. I suspect it is not the same at Arkansas or your average SEC powerhouse.

  9. Hearne says:

    Easy Cliffy this was an update…
    The Freedom of Info stuff just broke late last week, and the stuff I wrote about were hot off the presses yesterday. Now, who needs to keep up?

  10. paulwilsonkc says:

    Bologonous, you make a good point, free enterprise
    and all that jazz and I agree with the $100 million empire stuff, but, being a non sports guy, I guess I just cant allign all that with…. a GAME.

    And, yes, while I can draw a comparison to a great corporate leader being the face of the charge… I also have the same problem there. Hearne would battle me with the rebuttal, that XYZ CEO is there to build stakeholder value and he’s right. But being far less Republican than I used to be, I have a difficult time thinking one man is worth $50M a year. Or, in my past, that one man on one deal gets $8M for the signatrue of a deal, $8M for FCC approval of said deal and $8M for its one year anniversary, only to have it end up being one of the worst deals ever all along the way.

    This whole value thing, to me, has just gotten out of hand. But, like I said, Hearne, coming from the trading end of things, could likely debate me into the ground on my argument and make an equally good case.

    With regard to the stipend for players, YOU BET!! Why should a college make that kind of bank off kids who dont have gas money to get to campus, and if given $20, they are investigated??

  11. the dude says:

    Value, values…
    where have they gone? i think the question is more on why do we value the things we do as a culture?

    Why do we say education is important but pay primary and secondary teachers salaries a pittance above the poverty line? While athletes and entertainers who can probably do no more than spell their name and address garner millions of dollars and have more money than they know what to do with.

    Values indeed, missplaced value and values.

    Rome is burning and we are entertaining ourselves to death.

  12. Cliffy says:

    YOU need to keep up, Hearne. The info may be new but the story is OLD. Nobody cares.

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