Hearne: Yeah We’re Fat, So Rank Us

Enough with the phony surveys..

A funny thing happened during yesterday’s breakfast interview/meeting with Mancow in Chicago. In what came across quite innocently – at least at first – Mancow called out the women in Kansas City for being overweight.

Fat, actually.

"Are you shocked by how big the women in Kansas City are?" he mused. "They are so huge."

Hey, it’s not like this comes as a news flash or anything.

The Cowtown’s been on the receiving end of countless "Fattest Cities" surveys over the years.

Personally, I don’t put much stock in these "reports." Fittest, fattest, best place to raise kids, start a family, retire, party – the list is endless. The way I view them is as contrived means for magazine’s like Men’s Fitness to bolster flagging readership and sales by working up phony formulas that they know will get picked up, reported and discussed by local newspapers, magazines and radio and television stations.

Instant PR.

Aside from the contrived hype, it’s not like there’s zero basis for reaching some of these conclusions. Take Men’s Health‘s 2010 ranking of KC as the country’s 6th fattest city…

You needn’t go much farther than the Plaza to support that case, but have you been to Topeka lately?

And after spending a few days wandering around Chicago I can see where Mancow’s coming from. The sidewalks are crawling with people of every age and stripe here, who with rare exception appear far skinnier that the people we see waddling about in KC.

So yeah, from my observations there are far fewer women of great weight roaming the streets of Chicago than Kansas City. It’s fairly obvious.

That said, after assigning an F to Kansas City in fattness, Chicago barely eeked out a D from Men’s Health, coming in as 22nd fattest. Frankly, I don’t get it?

Most of the fat people I see in Chicago here look like they’re from out-of-town.

Like from Kansas City or Topeka.

Or that state I rambled through on the way here – what’s it called? – oh yeah, Iowa.

You can’t get much fatter than Iowa. Yet the only city out of like 100 to move Men’s Fitness’s Fat Meter was Des Moines with a C- and in 39th place.

Look, I just have one question:

Who is Men’s Health trying to kid with these bogus rankings?

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22 Responses to Hearne: Yeah We’re Fat, So Rank Us

  1. bschloz says:

    Monsters Of The Midway
    Hearne, where are you doing your survey? Michigan Ave… W Hotel? Go check out the Golden Corral or Costco in Buffalo Grove and get back to us. Beware of runaway Rascal Scooters!

  2. KCMonarch says:

    an interesting survey idea
    The city with the shallowest blog site? I’m sure this gets my i.p. address blocked again but it is so worth it.

  3. Super Dave says:

    Who is Men’s Health trying to kid with these bogus rankings?

    People like you Hearne who read that shit then try and write a story about it.

  4. Smartman says:

    Jim Croce Lives
    On the east side of the city
    That’s the fattest part of town
    If you go out there
    You better just beware
    Of a gal named Shaneekwah Brown

    Shaneekwah likes her chicken
    She likes watermelon too
    And if you got food stamps
    When she’s got the cramps
    She’ll beat the shit out of you

    Big phat phat Shaneekwah Brown
    Phatest gal in the whole damn town
    Ass about six feet wide
    When it shakes from side to side

    Shaneekwah heard these crackers
    Named Mancow and Hearne
    We’re making’ fun of her
    So she said no sir
    I’m gonna make them peckers learn


    She found that Hearne and Mancow
    On Chicago’s southern side
    The Fiat wouldn’t start
    So she lit a fart
    And them two crackers fried.


    The moral of the story
    Is that fat girls need love two
    You’re gonna have to beg
    Cause the story Craig
    Is she got eyes for you


  5. rkcal says:

    KC Phat rules
    1. Sedentary lifestyle
    2. Poverty rate
    3. Cultural cuisine is meat with a meat side and bacon on top
    4. racists (see above) feel impotent so eat more to compensate

  6. paulwilsonkc says:

    I’m doing my part in tipping the scales….
    …. but only to fulfill a committment. I don’t know if you guys ever heard of Luciano Pavarotti , but he was a good friend of mine. I knew a girl who lived in the same town as his producer and she, well…. its a long story. Anyway, I was with him in his final days. One of his last requests is that I would carry the torch and assume his role as leader of the sexy chubby guys. I apologize for my onwership in tilting the KC scales, but I couldn’t let him down. It was his dying wish.

    RKCAL? Where can you get meat with a meat side and bacon? Im munchy!!

  7. chuck says:

    Turandot car around, we passed Gates Bar B Q.

  8. Jim Croce says:

    I like your version better smartman.

  9. Smartman says:

    Handsome Harley Racist
    Forgot to point out that there is a direct connection between intelligence and overall health, wellness and fitness. So the fact that the metro is crawling with so many stoopid fucks doesn’t help matters any. You can thank LBJ and Arthur Benson more than you can blame Arthur Bryant and Ollie Gates.

    Wilson if you do the meat+meat+bacon with Kobe beef +Bison+turkey bacon it’s pretty damn healthy.

    Hey Royals fans! Wake me up when it’s OUR TIME!

  10. randyraley says:

    we’re all fat
    The whole country is fat…or sorry, Rubenesque.
    “…mama mama mama leve your skinny girls at home, I want to make it with a big fat blonde…”
    2+1= tons of fun

  11. balbonis moleskine, says:

    We are fatter because BBQ is better than Chicago Dogs
    I thought only latent homosexuals who masturbate to pictures of men’s abs read Men’s Health magazine.

    Well Hearne does drive a fiat.

    I don’t doubt the people you see walking down Michigan Ave were quite fit. However, income and weight are correlated (inversely). The more money you make the skinnier you will be on the average. I doubt the view from the front windows of your boutique hotel provided a big enough sample size.

    And I could give a shit whether the rest of the city is fat. Just as long as my girlfriend isn’t and Im not too fat to get a hot girlfriend.

    Did you get a chocolate shake at the Weiner Circle?

  12. paulwilsonkc says:

    Smartman, dont do that to me….
    …when I dont have anyything handy to wipe the droooool off my mouth!!

  13. Kerouac says:

    She ain’t heavy…
    she is (a real) woman, hear me roar (with approval). That statute of Marilyn Monroe in an uplifting dress (main picture this story) – the flesh & blood version MM would be considered ‘fat’ today, for crying out loud.

    Give me ‘The Blonde Bombshell’ and her doughy look 24 / 7/ 365 in lieu modern silicone / trout-pout / sunken eyed / tweeker-looking gals.

    Mystery (false eyelashes, torpedo bras & girdles as the rest) is one thing… medicinally enhanced ‘frauds’ another.

  14. Hearne says:

    I did try the Chicago Dog at Portillo’s…
    I’ll park that disappointing memory right next to my first Deep Dish Pizza in Chicago years ago. And the ribs there at Portillo’s – they tout them heavy duty – were between poor and awful.

    Good point on Michigan Avenue but check out the Plaza sometime and see how the comparison holds up.

  15. balbonis moleskine says:

    I would but every time I go there I am besieged by “urban youths” 🙂

  16. the dude says:

    Bienvenidos a medio oeste,
    They are just as fat if not fatter in cheecago, just a stone’s throw away from Milwaukee, the dairy state.

  17. Wendy says:

    Chicago sucks
    Seriously, Chicago can kiss my KC-fat-a$$!

  18. pokeman says:

    kc is not filled with just fat ass fuckers
    its filled with lazy/worthless/lying/old/crabby/ugly mother fuckers! HAHAHA

  19. mike says:

    reply to pokeman
    I’m SURE you’re the one exception, Harley/JoJo/Asshat!

  20. the dude says:

    Look out Glazer!
    Shaneekwa Brown got eyes fo’ you!

  21. paulwilsonkc says:

    Mike exposes Asshat!! well done!
    I’m proud of you son. Here’s on other tip on how to find him any other time; go South till you smell him, East till you step in it. Go MIKE, the newest, official Asshat detective.

  22. 610fan says:

    Smartman.knock it off
    I know Harley, harley is………………..a friend of mine and yur know Harley………………..
    .you toilet licking blad fat old no future guy…………..
    Harley works with sum of the biggust law firms in the nation and he nos people and you better hope to god I dont tell him you said……………………………. hes a racust or that he looks like handsome harley and I dont no what you really meant so Im jus going to be safe ………and say you ment both of them and ……………….your going to pay now fat ass.

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