Tales From the Tweet: Braun Beats the System, Ozzie’s Man-Boobs & Something About a Border War?

With all of the hype going into today’s matchup between Kansas and Missouri, you’d think that Twitter would be a bit more abuzz.

Not so.

Aside from the expected dick-cheese taunts from fans on both sides, it’s been mostly quiet. Oh, the prodigal son will return to check out the game and eat some food (presumably between bursts of pedophilian-protector defense):

“Heading back to KC for the last Mizzou-KU game. Barbecue will be eaten. Winstead burgers will be consumed.”

But somehow, this doesn’t feel as exciting as it may have been a week ago, you know, before the Tigers took a big, fat monkey-shit against the Kansas State Wildcats… AGAIN. Oh sure, it’s a possible final meeting (doubt it), and there’s a lot on the line, but after Mizzou’s narrow escape against the Jayhawks in Columbia just a few weeks ago, this one has disappointment scrawled all over it.

Look, what Mizzou has done this season has exceeded expectations. They’re a fun team to watch, no doubt, but it doesn’t appear as though all of the HEART! HUSTLE! GRIT! DETERMINATION! in Dickey V’s loins is enough to overcome the grotesque size differential. Therefore, I’m taking the Jayhawks to win, teased with IND at NE ( 40) and BAL at Spain (-7). IT’S A TEASER BET. LOOK IT UP! EVERY SPORTS BOOK IN CANADA TAKES TEASER BETS, PUNK.

Sorry—where were we? Ah yes, on with the Tweets.

We’ll jump right in with some sexy, sexy Peyton Manning chatter. Where will he go?! Is he healthy?! Is it true that Nicaraguan surgeons implanted cheetah bones in his neck to speed the healing process?!

@ClaytonESPN (John Clayton, ESPN football turtle)
“The most interesting thought from the combine was the idea the Arizona Cardinals wouldn’t rule out signing Peyton Manning. it’s a long shot.”

“If Manning is released, the Dolphins and Redskins are still the leading candidates.”

SCREW YOU, TURTLE-FACE! That’s not what us idiotic Chiefs’ fans want to hear. PLEASE, someone in the local media fill my head with illogical and unlikely sugar-plum dreams!

@getnickwright (610 am)
“I know a lot of you guys thought I was joking about Peyton to KC being possible, but I’m hearing more and more that it really could happen.”

@bobfescoe (610 am)
“Hearing the #chiefs and tom condon have spoken twice abt peyton manning. Told financials a good fit for kc. We shall see what happens”

Thank you, JEEBUS! The guys at 610 are calling it, folks: Manning to Kansas City! (needle-being-pulled-from-the-record-noise) Okay… or not. I’M calling it, actually, and I’m going on record as saying that Manning will NOT be in Kansas City next year (unless whoever he ends up with is playing at Arrowhead). If I’m wrong, I’ll fistfight Bob Fescoe in the parking lot of Jardine’s, while a crowd of fabulously dressed jazz fans stand by uncomfortably. SPORTS! 

But all fanciful flights of Manning’s-face filling our heads aside, there’s a bigger story about Chiefs’ personnel afoot: will they, or will they not sign their second-best player named Brandon? After signing former Oakland Raider Stanford Routt to a Fatty McFatFat contract, Turtle-Face doesn’t think so:

“With more than $52 million of contracts tied up in CBs Brandon Flowers and Stanford Routt, expect KC to let Brandon Carr walk"

But wait—the Chiefs front office would like you to believe otherwise:

@nate_bukaty (810 am)
“Pioli: "The signing of Stanford Routt does not impact where we are with Brandon Carr." Says Chiefs will still pursue Carr.”

Bull-honky. Brandon Carr is a ghost, a discarded condom-wrapper fluttering in the breeze on a gentle fall evening. I think this Tweet—from Carr himself– says it all:

“Feels kinda good to be back in KC”

Kinda good? That’s not exactly encouraging. Later days, B, it’s been real.

What do teammates think about the almost-certain departure of a beloved friend?

@b_albert76 (Branden Albert, Chiefs’ OL)
“It snow to much in Rochester… I can barley drive…”

…or spell… or tackle proper word usage… or protect your quarterback.

In baseball news, the headline story of this year’s young, supple Spring Training has been the overturned suspension of previously accused performance enhancing drug using scoundrel, Ryan Braun. The reigning NL MVP had been facing a 50 game suspension for testing positive for elevated levels of testosterone. But rejoice, Milwaukee Brewers fans, turns out he didn’t do anything!

“BREAKING: @Brewers OF Ryan Braun has won his appeal challenging his 50-game suspension by the Commissioner’s Office.”

Woo-hoo! Congrats, Ryan! I knew you were one of the good—wait—what’s that? What did you just say, ESPN’s Baseball Tonight host Karl Ravech?

“Appears Brauns team won because a courier didn’t take positive test to fed ex building thought it was closed Saturday night..protocol?”

Oh… oh DEAR. So he DID test positive… UNLESS the courier—who stored the pee-pee in his fridge overnight, reports say—is a bitter Cubs fan who dumped some bull-semen into the cup in an orgiastic nightmare of ultimate revenge! Alright, so that’s probably not likely. The dude cheated, and because the other dude was a complete idiot, the dude who cheated got away with it. Is baseball upset?

@SBerthiaume (Steve Berthiaume, ESPN’s Baseball Tonight)
“Braun test sample collector thought FedEx/Kinkos was closed because it was late on a Saturday. MLB is livid and considering options.”

Here’s an option: HE STILL FAILED A DRUG TEST. SUSPEND HIM FOR 50 GAMES. Furthermore, take away his MVP trophy and make him give it to Matt Kemp of the Dodgers. And THEN, double-test Kemp to make sure HE wasn’t cheating as well. Baseball is so silly. What do Ryan Braun’s fans, friends and teammates think?

@JohnAxford (Brewers’ closer, mustache aficionado)
“All I can say is that Braun has exemplary character is continuing to handle this in an unbelievable manner. #ThereBetterBeSomeApologies”

Apologies for what?! The fact that this stupid courier was improperly trained? The fact that this loophole is letting a CHEATER walk? NO.

Hold on, wait, I take that back. I’ll apologize—I’ll apologize to all of the poor kids who don’t know any better, the ones who look up to Braun and falsely idolize him. I’ll apologize to them, because he clearly doesn’t have the sack to admit that, in an effort to be who everyone wanted him to be and earn his contract, he fucked up and stuck a bunch of shit in his body. He failed baseball fans everywhere by not doing the right thing and NOT owning up to his indiscretions. That’s the truly awful part. Hey Ryan Braun, you suck.

@ClayMatthews52 (Green Bay Packers LB)
“Happy for my friend Ryan Braun. EXONERATED by the TRUTH!!”

Shut up, Clay Matthews. And cut your fucking hair already, will you? You’re not in Lynyrd Skynyrd, douche.

In other, less rage-inducing baseball news, Jose Canseco is playing beisbol in Mexico! What’s better than Jose Canseco playing and tweeting from Mexico? That’s right, Jose Canseco playing and tweeting in Mexico… after (apparently) discovering peyote!

“A little girl told me one time that I should open up a hug store .what a great idea”

“Wow there is a black crow out side my window staring at me what does that mean”

“If you c me in public come up to me and give me a hug ok”

“Let’s everyone all at once tweet I love life come on you can do it”

A)        She was lying to you.

B)        It means you’re dying, Jose.

C)        Tell me this when you’re sober.

D)         Is this seriously happening?

Here’s to hoping we see him back in the big leagues real soon, on any other team aside from the Kansas City Royals. He wouldn’t look too shabby in Miami Marlins… rainbow and black(?), though. He and Marlins’ manager Ozzie Guillen played together in Tampa Bay in 2000 (back when the Rays were still Deviled) and they’re probably equally crazy. Oh, and just how is everyone’s favorite loose-screw skipper adjusting to life in the sand, under the sun?

“Back ti the gym after 10 years I hop is not for one day lol”

“people in south beach take care of they bodies so I may want to be shirtless hahaah no man boobs for me”

Any middle-schoolers looking for a band name? How about, “Ozzie and the South Beach Man Boobs”? You’re WELCOME. Now get out there and win that talent-show, kids!

This week’s Sounds Like a Trouble Tweet stems from Florida as well, and this time, there’s a local connection.

@D_McCluster22 (Chiefs’ RB/KR/Scarecrow)
“Who’s coming to Deuces Sports Bar& Gill in Largo tonite with me and Dwayne Bowe for ladies night and my dads B-day?! U dont wanna miss this”

No, I don’t. And I’m sure the police don’t either. Now, this tweet was written on February 23rd, and though I’ve yet to hear of any cocaine-fueled, stripper-slapping incidents, sometimes these things take a week or so to get out. Keep your eyes peeled.

And finally, for those who don’t have the fiduciary means or emotional wherewithal to travel to Largo and party like rock stars with NFL miscreants, there’s someone in your OWN backyard who I’m sure would be just as much of a blast to hang with. Kevin Kietzman? Close us out, buddy!

@kkwhb (810 am)
“Honeycrisp apples are the best I’ve ever had.”

You. Wild. Man. You.

That’s it for now, folks. Enjoy your NBA All-Star Weekend (which is a thing that is happening, I’m told). 

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5 Responses to Tales From the Tweet: Braun Beats the System, Ozzie’s Man-Boobs & Something About a Border War?

  1. chuck says:

    Best yet Lefty–
    Very funny. 🙂

  2. Lefty says:

    I appreciate that, Chuck. I like your comment, too.

  3. Smartman says:

    HIV POSitive
    How can you talk man-boobs and not mention Jo-Po? He’s looking more and more like his homey Jason Whitlock every day. Wonder if his daughter has an Indy Car ride this season? She’s the next Milka Duno.

    Is Jose Canseco a real life Kenny Powers?

    I’ll bet Kevin feeds Honeycrisps to his pet Unicorn and Danny Clinkscale.

  4. xxMillerTimexx says:

    Great stuff Lefty
    Baseball not taking steroids seriously is a joke. Not a good way to win back the people they lost.

  5. Lefty says:

    An Idea…
    Can we agree to refer to him as “Honeycrisp” Kietzman from now on? Makes him sound like a really awful blues musician from the 1920’s.

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