Do me a favor. I want you to sit back, close your eyes, and think of the craziest Iranian person you know. I know, I know, this might take a second, but I’ll wait patiently.
There, you got it? Good.
Look, I don’t know who you thought of—the guy who runs the place where you go to get your car fixed, the one who runs the lunch place who makes you feel slightly uncomfortable (because he never smiles while you scarf down your shawarma)—but I promise, unequivocally, that the person who thought of isn’t nearly as insane as the Iron Sheik.
Born Robert Edelman in Adina, Minnesota Hossein Khosrow Vaziri in Tehran, Iran, “Sheikie,” as he refers to himself, is absolutely, certifiably nuts. Cocaine fueled rants on Howard Stern aside, one need look no further than his brilliantly disturbed Twitter feed. Let’s examine.
@the_ironshiek
“i watch the lebron i watch the kobe. if i want i beat the living fuck out of both of them make them cry like virgil. still i respect them”
One of the former WWE Heavyweight Champion’s favorite running themes is hatred of his 1980’s wrestling colleagues. Is this shtick? Can he not break character, lo’ these many years removed?
“Fuck the justin bieber he look like mr fuji.”
“If the tito santana was most famous mexican in history and I was the mexican I would never respect the Mexican”
“Mexican people know I beat the fuck out of the mexican jabroni tito santana. He not worth the taco fuck”
“I love my job I love my business. I don’t love the tito santana he not worth the fuck”
So I’m confused… how does he feel about Tito Santana, anyway? (and seriously—who hates Tito Santana that much? You know, aside from Tito Santana’s kids, I assume)
The Sheik isn’t bashful when sharing his feelings on various aspects of pop culture, either. Listen as his thick, pointy-ended moustache drips with venom:
“the glee is the gay”
“glee show is worse than ultimate warrior and hulk Hogan”
“Fuck the lady gaga”
I’m wondering if I should go ahead and preemptively cancel the “Elton John’s Greatest Hits” compilation I had planned on sending him for Valentine’s Day. Seems like the Sheik may not be a fan of the man-to-man love. Speaking of Valentine’s:
“The Obama wife have same eyebrow as the sheikie. I hope he buy her the wax for eyebrow for the valentine day”
“Chris brown deserve the king kong bundy for the valentine day”
“Chris brown deserve the ultimate warrior and hulk hogan grandmother for the valentine day”
So wait a minute… the guy who rails against Mexicans, gays, and “grasshopper dicks” like the Hulkster and the Ultimate Warrior is taking a stand against lady-punching R&B singers?
Iron Sheik: he’s more complex than you know.
Speaking of “complex,” everyone’s favorite backstabbing-‘Roider-rat is back at it again.
@JoseCanseco
“I am in Mexico with my valentine Leila”
That is SO. SWEET. I’m glad these kids seem to be working things out. Say, Jose, what are you doing in Mexico?
“Looking forwrd to bp tomorrow and launching some bombs into the jungle .happy”
…huh?
“I am going to play this year.”
Oh, sweetmonkeyrapture. I was hoping and praying (yeah, I waste God’s time with this kind of shit) that Jose was kidding. A quick search of the Googles told me that alas, God doesn’t care about my prayers.
From the Chicago Tribune:
“Jose Canseco, who has not played professional baseball in 11 years, will try out with the Quintana Roo Tigers of the Mexican League, the team announced Sunday… Canseco, 47, last played in the majors for the White Sox in 2001, when he hit .258 with 16 home runs in 76 games.”
The embarrassingly named Roo Tigers, who play home games in Cancun, are considered to be a Triple-A product though they have no affiliation with a major league team. Godspeed you tanned emperor, Godspeed.
In other baseball news, the Royals *yawn* did this:
@goldbergkc (Joel Goldberg, Royals Live host, FSKC)
“Royals announce they have picked up the option for Ned Yost for 2013”
And Vlad the Impaler (still one of the coolest, most intimidating nicknames in sports, despite his hobbled, James Caan-via-Misery-knees) said this:
@Buster_ESPN (Buster Olney, ESPN baseball know-it-all)
“Vladimir Guerrero has made it known to the Yankees that he wants their DH spot. IMO, Raul Ibanez still the frontrunner to sign w/NYY as DH.”
Raul Ibanez? THAT Raul Ibanez? LULZ @ the Yankees. He’s a spent, peanut-shell of his former self (and I won’t speculate on steroids, because he likes to sue bloggers). Have fun, Evil Empire!
Oh, and other sports were happening, too!
Since we’re technically in “Hot Stove” territory, but the stove is as hot as it’s gonna get, and tea is boiling over and sizzling on the coils, let’s talk a little offseason football news. Unfortunately, offseason football news doesn’t have some cute, folksy name like “hot stove.” It’s just… offseason football news. And the biggest of the big? Just what in the world will happen to Peyton Manning? He’s due a bajillion dollar roster bonus if he’s still with the Colts on March 8th, and that seems unlikely at this juncture. So where’s a dude to go? According to Nick Wright, Arrowhead could be like, totally feasible you guys!
@getnickwright
“So Chris Mortensen just told me that the Colts doctors DID clear Peyton Manning to play…”
“#Chiefs have 63 MILLION in cap room… KC could sign Carr, Bowe a top O and D Lineman and still offer Peyton 1yr $30M. No reason not to.”
See, I disagree. I don’t think that the Chiefs are “one QB, one O and D lineman” away from serious Super Bowl contention. I just don’t see the rationale of bringing in an aging, swan-necked quarterback for a single, solitary year and failing- once again– to address the long-term need of a franchise QB. This team is starved for depth at nearly every position, and has three huge pieces coming back from serious injury with a general manager who still hasn’t proven he knows how to draft quality players. I don’t think Wright’s plan is the BIGGEST mistake the Chiefs could make, but I also don’t think it accomplishes much other than wasting a pile of cash.
Elsewhere, former Saint, Dolphin, Argonaut and Raven Ricky Williams made a big announcement: dude—we’re out of pizza rolls, brah! Uh, scratch that. He’s retiring.
@SI_PeterKing
“Ricky Williams says he’s retiring. Have a lot of admiration for him. Smart guy, multifaceted. Good human being. Good luck to him.”
Ricky’s an interesting cat and a fascinating case-study for those who believe (quite erroneously, it should be noted) that you CAN’T get addicted to weed. That said, I wish him many happy bongs from here on out.
Finally, former embattled Chiefs coach Todd Haley landed on his feet. I mean, REALLY landed on his feet.
@Englishscope24 (Kim English, Mizzou basketball)
“#Steelers hire Todd Haley as their Offensive coordinator!!! #YESSSSS #Ravens #AfcNorthChamps”
@Mellinger (Sam Mellinger, KC Star)
“If I can play armchair psychologist, Haley’s biggest strength and weakness is that he’ll believe he’s the best coach on the #Steelers staff.”
English, a native of Baltimore and an unabashed Ravens’ fan, made me smile with his youthful exuberance; Mellinger makes a good point. Regardless, Haley must have been praying to the right person and bowing in the proper direction because he went from one of the grossest, least desirable jobs in the NFL to a solid gig that could almost immediately put him back on the fast track to a head coaching spot. Well played, crazy-man, well played.
We’ll close things out with an absolutely “LINsane” tweet from everyone’s least-favorite loud-mouthed asshole, Floyd “Money” Mayweather.
@FloydMayweather
“Jeremy Lin is a good player but all the hype is because he’s Asian. Black players do what he does every night and don’t get the same praise.”
“I’m speaking my mind on behalf of other NBA players. They are programmed to be politically correct and will be penalized if they speak up.”
By now, you’ve probably heard all about New York Knicks phenom Jeremy Lin. The Harvard bred, undrafted youngster has been wowing the nation with his finesse, his hustle and his heart. You’ve probably also already heard an assfull about Mayweather’s Tweet, which was racially insensitive, ridiculous and flat out stupid.
Look, we like Lin because of what I JUST SAID. He went to Harvard. He went undrafted. He was an underdog, an afterthought. As Americans, we ROOT for the lovable loser who makes good against opponents who are bigger, faster, stronger and more gifted. Quite honestly, it doesn’t matter WHAT color they are. Jeremy Lin could have magenta skin with a rainbow colored wang and turquoise colored balls. Is he running circles around genetically blessed freaks of nature who make more taking their post-game constitutional than he’ll make this entire year? Yes. And he’s nailing 3’s as time expires before shrugging his shoulders in a humble, aw-shucks manner.
We root for that guy. WE LOVE THAT GUY.
For someone who makes a living not getting punched that often, Mayweather’s got some serious brain damage. A few thoughts:
A) Does anyone oversee his Twitter account?
B) If so, fire this person.
C) Mayweather is an idiot.
D) Mayweather is not worth the taco fuck.
E) I’m sure the NBA players are SUPER excited that he’s speaking on their behalf.
F) Dikembe Mutombo always reminded me of the Cookie Monster.
G) Now I’m trying to decide who would win in a fight between the Cookie Monster and the Count.
That’s all for this installment folks, tune in next week for more Iron Sheik. (I’m being serious. He’s magnificently prolific.)
Cookie Monster, no doubt
With that thick fur and walrus-like form from the all-cookie diet there is nothing that puny late night numerologist could do. Hell, he’d probably get eaten (or turned in to little chunks and thrown about the set).
Jeez
DO NOT read the Iron Sheik’s tweets at work. I think he has Tourette’s….
Oops!
Haha– yeah, sorry. I suppose I could have added an “NSFW” disclaimer.