Man, it’s finally gotten to me, all the thoughtful comments some of you have been leaving…
They’ve made me see the error of my ways. After all, you’re the people who care, want to help me and make the world a better place. You’ve pointed out my lies, shortcomings and such. And now I can’t hide from the truth any longer, so I CONFESS!
WHERE TO BEGIN?
Okay,. First off, I really didn’t go to Arizona State, I went to a city college in Mesa, Arizona.
Stings? Now come on, who could do that while in college? I did pose as an Eagle Scout though and stole tons of light bulbs off Cub Scouts. They were selling them door to door. Later I graduated to stealing sub sandwiches from kids with my partner in crime Don Woodbeck. His real name was Donnie Woodstein, but Woodbeck sounded better. And he wasn’t a war hero, he was in R.O.T.C. in college.
We robbed about 30 sub shops before we finally got caught. Donnie got 30 days and I got off with probation.
After dropping out of Community College, I was hired by local cops to keep an eye on sandwich shops, so you guys are right, I was never a real undercover agent.
Oh yeah, I’m not even in good shape. They used me as a tackle dummy in high school because I weighed like 295 and was only five feet, five. Today I’m down to 265.
What else?
Oh yeah, I did do some time – like 60 days in county jail back in LA. I was there trying to get into the film biz and ended up being a runner for a small time production company. For free. But I got caught stealing some lights and old VHS tapes. The slammer in LA county was tough though, bad food, smelly cells. Yikes.
My Dad, Stan did own Stanford and Sons though. Gave me a job cooking when I moved back home in the 80’s. Later Grandpa Bennie and Jeff, my brother, stole the comedy club from Stan. Bastards. They let me seat the rooms. And hey, I got a new car – a Chevy Nova – still have it today. And some of you guys thought I really had a Lotus. Yeah, right. I did try and lease one, but my credit sucked too bad.
And I don’t live in a fancy half million dollar condo in Johnson County.
I live in my brother Jeff’s basement. He got that after Grandpa passed away. It’s not bad, it has lots of Jimi Hendrix posters on the walls.
In Hollywood, I met several stars and got their autographs. Actress Sandahl Bergman really did go to my high school. I got to say hi to her once in the hall at East. And I really did see her films in LA, but I never met her or dated her or anything. Are you serious?
In fact I’ve only had like 16 girlfriends in my life.
And the Champions Forever films, yeah someone went on IMBD and busted me. I was just an associate goffer. I worked for free because I wanted to meet Ali. He was nice. Even though all five of the movies say I’m the producer on the cover and on Amazon, they’re all lies. See, I went to CVS and had those printed up – I only made seven copies – but Amazon fell for it. Dumbasses.
What else? Oh yeah, all those articles about me….
First off there are only about 29 and Hearne did 25 of them because he felt bad for me.
The others? Well, I just paid off some printer to have them made. Fifty bucks, money well spent. Got me laid by a hot 66 year old fat chick named Margie. All those photos of me with girls on here – they’re fake too – I don’t know any of them.
This is tough, because I’ve sure told a ton of whoppers.
I’m not even sure my name is really Craig Glazer anymore. Oh yeah, the guy on Johnny Dare and all the other radio shows, that’s not me. His real name is Melvin Glazer. He just goes by Craig because he hates his name.
Man, if I did all those stings, worked for the attorney general as a special agent, made all those movies, wrote a book on my life, had all those women, Porsches, Ferraris, Hollywood stars as pals, did radio on five stations, oh and sold my life as a film…then I’d be interesting.
Maybe the most interesting guy in town – or just about anywhere today. Who could do all that stuff? Not ME. And owning one of the top comedy clubs in America, come on now.
P.S. the book is about that Melvin guy and it only sold like 300 copies. It’s number 99 million on Amazon.
Hey, sorry I lied to you guys all this time.
Not America’s Next Top Comic
More evidence that C.Glazer is neither a “scribe” nor a comic. This is pretty hamhanded and yet still retains the key Glazer qualities of narcissism and raging insecurity….You must have watched enough standups to know not to beat a premise to death. Your point was made in the first couple of examples, then you went on and on and on and on…..because you just can’t help yourself. I guess it’s so amazing to be you that you have to share every thought that ricochets through substance-ravaged recesses of your brain.
Can I get that last 5 minutes of my life back, please?
Sheezus what a waste.
Glaze
this article was written by an insecure goombaugh. PATHETIC!
CG
you are a sad, sad man. Every column is a cry for help.
wow.
While I agree with everything written above, a good friend of mine who was in the public eye many years ago said to me…”sometimes a true test of a man comes down to the thickness of his skin.” Either get out of a public forum or grow a pair. Really.
Stinky Fingers
Does Maria always wince like that when you stick a finger up her butt?
I usually only comment on the Chiefs…
but this article contained three additional items that impelled me comment: a pretty girl, a vintage car and a law enforcement badge.
What I want to know is –
* What happened to the lovely Maria Juarez who is pictured with you? She is a classier looking lady than the usually assortment dubious ‘women’ I see pictured most these kcc stories, and she also was worth reading. When is she comin’ back, Red Ryder?
* Probably a random internet pic, but am curious who owns the Chevy Nova? They ruined it by putting on modern wheels – yesteryear rules; as EM Cioran said – “Progress is the injustice each generation commits with regard to its predecessors”… here here.
* Did you employ an actual Special Agent badge as pictured? I have one (retired) via my father who was career law enforcement; sometimes they’re more symbolic in practice than genuine (President Nixon once give one to Elvis in his “fight against drugs”. )
http://www.elvispresleymusic.com.au/pictures/badge_bureau_narcotic_dangerous_drugs.html
__________________
There… now I can sit back and wait for egoli to blow yet another draft & off-season free agency period…
amazing insight to who you really are…..
Life as a Insecure Narcissist
skin like a zig zag rolling paper
I’ve got to hand it to you, even in this pathetic pile of stool that passes for writing, you manage to repeat your entire resume. You think people doubt you or are all goofed up hateraid. Quite the contrary, its just that after reading plug after self serving plug, its boring and weak.
why would you write this?
in your last column you asked for the names of the most hated people…and then you write
this garbage. Poor maria has to take the heat too because you look like your doing something
against her will.
All this does is give more ammo to those who hate you and prove that theres definitely something
missing in your head. To write this crap is to give credence to the haters who you want to fight
and the haters who now appear to be right.
Whats this about. Your needing attention? Your need to be hated….
Well glaze i’m tired of defending you and trying to tell the haters on here to calm down and leave
you alone…but when you put out this kind of trash you deserve all the hate you get.
HATERS OF GLAZE 10 GLAZE 0….GET HEARNE TO PULL THIS OFF…..you can’t fight the
entire world…..
Thank god we can see rock bottom for craig
and it
wow….the hits keep coming
is something wrong with you glaze? If so …get some help.
someone feeling a little insecure today?
Grow up, little boy
. unworthy of time or effort
BYE!!!
Sad
Wow Glaze. When you first started on here I enjoyed your tales of yesteryear and opinions. But then you KEPT on telling me how cool you are .I even wanted to know more about your HGH regimen and which docter you recomend. I defended you over and over until you announced you were pro Obama, then I knew you were an idiot. Now we have this piece de resistance to totally prove the haters right.
Glazer You Are The Bomb
He got all the haters here. Your responses prove he is the ‘man.’ Craig Glazer you are the shit. If you did half what we all know you did and still do at times, you are quite an interesting man. Thats why he’s here gentlemen. Ladies.
Other little-known facts about Craig
1. His legend precedes him, the way lightning precedes thunder.
2. He’s a lover not a fighter. But hes also a fighter, so dont get any ideas.
3. His reputation is expanding, faster than the universe.
4. He once had an awkward moment, just to see how it feels.
5. He lives vicariously, through himself.
6. His beard alone has experienced more than a lesser mans entire body?
7. The police often question him, just because they find him interesting.
8. He has been known to cure narcolepsy, just by walking into a room.
9. When it is raining, it is because he is thinking about something sad.
10. The pheromones he secretes have be known to affect people miles away, in a slight, but measurable way.
Craig Glazer is…the most interesting man in the world.
Just ask him.
I knew it was a lie
when he said he only had 14 girlfriends. More like 4. And one was a doll he rented.
Craig…
Why are you egging these fools on again?
FU Craig
He can’t help it