Man, it’s finally gotten to me, all the thoughtful comments some of you have been leaving…
They’ve made me see the error of my ways. After all, you’re the people who care, want to help me and make the world a better place. You’ve pointed out my lies, shortcomings and such. And now I can’t hide from the truth any longer, so I CONFESS!
WHERE TO BEGIN?
Okay,. First off, I really didn’t go to Arizona State, I went to a city college in Mesa, Arizona.
Stings? Now come on, who could do that while in college? I did pose as an Eagle Scout though and stole tons of light bulbs off Cub Scouts. They were selling them door to door. Later I graduated to stealing sub sandwiches from kids with my partner in crime Don Woodbeck. His real name was Donnie Woodstein, but Woodbeck sounded better. And he wasn’t a war hero, he was in R.O.T.C. in college.
We robbed about 30 sub shops before we finally got caught. Donnie got 30 days and I got off with probation.
After dropping out of Community College, I was hired by local cops to keep an eye on sandwich shops, so you guys are right, I was never a real undercover agent.
Oh yeah, I’m not even in good shape. They used me as a tackle dummy in high school because I weighed like 295 and was only five feet, five. Today I’m down to 265.
Oh yeah, I did do some time – like 60 days in county jail back in LA. I was there trying to get into the film biz and ended up being a runner for a small time production company. For free. But I got caught stealing some lights and old VHS tapes. The slammer in LA county was tough though, bad food, smelly cells. Yikes.
My Dad, Stan did own Stanford and Sons though. Gave me a job cooking when I moved back home in the 80’s. Later Grandpa Bennie and Jeff, my brother, stole the comedy club from Stan. Bastards. They let me seat the rooms. And hey, I got a new car – a Chevy Nova – still have it today. And some of you guys thought I really had a Lotus. Yeah, right. I did try and lease one, but my credit sucked too bad.
And I don’t live in a fancy half million dollar condo in Johnson County.
I live in my brother Jeff’s basement. He got that after Grandpa passed away. It’s not bad, it has lots of Jimi Hendrix posters on the walls.
In Hollywood, I met several stars and got their autographs. Actress Sandahl Bergman really did go to my high school. I got to say hi to her once in the hall at East. And I really did see her films in LA, but I never met her or dated her or anything. Are you serious?
In fact I’ve only had like 16 girlfriends in my life.
And the Champions Forever films, yeah someone went on IMBD and busted me. I was just an associate goffer. I worked for free because I wanted to meet Ali. He was nice. Even though all five of the movies say I’m the producer on the cover and on Amazon, they’re all lies. See, I went to CVS and had those printed up – I only made seven copies – but Amazon fell for it. Dumbasses.
What else? Oh yeah, all those articles about me….
First off there are only about 29 and Hearne did 25 of them because he felt bad for me.
The others? Well, I just paid off some printer to have them made. Fifty bucks, money well spent. Got me laid by a hot 66 year old fat chick named Margie. All those photos of me with girls on here – they’re fake too – I don’t know any of them.
This is tough, because I’ve sure told a ton of whoppers.
I’m not even sure my name is really Craig Glazer anymore. Oh yeah, the guy on Johnny Dare and all the other radio shows, that’s not me. His real name is Melvin Glazer. He just goes by Craig because he hates his name.
Man, if I did all those stings, worked for the attorney general as a special agent, made all those movies, wrote a book on my life, had all those women, Porsches, Ferraris, Hollywood stars as pals, did radio on five stations, oh and sold my life as a film…then I’d be interesting.
Maybe the most interesting guy in town – or just about anywhere today. Who could do all that stuff? Not ME. And owning one of the top comedy clubs in America, come on now.
P.S. the book is about that Melvin guy and it only sold like 300 copies. It’s number 99 million on Amazon.
Hey, sorry I lied to you guys all this time.