Leftridge: Giants Win Super Bowl, Brandon Remains Unconvinced

And when the dust settled, only one could truly be called a champion.

Or some such bullshit.

But seriously, what a great game, right? If you had no rooting interest, if you hadn’t laid any money on the line, how could you possibly disagree with how awesome this game turned out to be? You can’t, plain and simple.

Oh wait… I can complain (shocking, right?). Again, as an unbiased, financially inculpable party. And why’s that? Because now, in the wake of Eli Manning’s second Super Bowl victory, as his brother sits by, nursing a broken-neck/tingly arm/age problem, the pundits will begin to decry, “Eli is the better Manning! Eli has two—count ‘em TWO rings to be placed in his safe!

But those people are idiots.

Dan Marino never won a Super Bowl. Is Eli Manning a better quarterback than Dan (Fucking) Marino? Of course not.  And is he a better quarterback than his brother? No way.

If we all know one unflappable fact about football, it’s that it’s a team sport. Occasionally, there will be one person who tries to single-handedly do it themselves, but it usually doesn’t work out too well (for a very recent example, see Tom Brady um, like, last night).

So Pats fans, what in the hell happened?

Were you guys outcoached? Well, no. The Grand Lord of the Dark Science did just about everything he could—within his wizardly power—to seal a victory. Oh sure, Manningham’s sideline catch late in the game—right in front of Bill Headband, by the way!—was a stupid challenge, but it was one that I think that everyone in his position would have taken. Grandpa Tom Coughlin, meanwhile, burned two of his three timeouts like they were spliffs, under some sick guidance of renegade commissioner Ricky Williams.  

Was your defense overmatched? Well, shockingly, not really. The Patriots’ much maligned defense, widely accepted as the worst ever (for all intents and purposes), actually held it together. Mostly. Brother Eli finished 30 for 40 with 296 yards and 1 solitary touchdown. All things considered, it could have been much, MUCH worse. I could have thrown for 296 yards against that weak-ass secondary (and been much more handsome doing it).

The Giants ground-game, spearheaded by two demonic backs who’s just as soon spit in an eye as buy a dehydrated man a bottle of Dasani, was affective, but not overwhelmingly so. They weren’t the difference. Bradshaw coughed up the ball like a kid with unchecked tuberculosis, but much to New England’s chagrin, it never resulted in an actual turnover.

Special teams was pretty even. Fantastic punting, fellas! Bully!

So what in HELL was it?

Honestly, I have no idea. Mario Manningham? Seriously, if it wasn’t for his 38 yard grab with 3:39 left—and the Giants down by 2—this game would NOT have been the same. At all. And that play? It had nothing to do with Eli. He heaved it, desperately, and the Tyree-like reception was all about Super Mario.

So was the the difference? Microcosmically, yes.

But what’s the REAL story? There’s a bigger story out there, waiting to be told. Something big, with a Danny Elfman score and amazing cinematography.

Well, the Giants won. Period.

 And last night, they were the better team. But not by much, and probably, if this game is played 100 times, the Patriots win it 75, maybe 80 of those times. I truly believe that.

But for now, the Giants are 2-0 against the Pats in recent Super Bowl history, Eli is the greatest thing to happen to NYC since Jay-Z and Beyonce’s baby, and Tom Brady, with his cascading plugs, supermodel wife and beautiful, straight teeth sits on 3 championships, perhaps one good linebacker away from immortality.

Football is both a whore teeming with gonorrhea and the love of your life on the day you got married, and sometimes, the two seem inseparable. So keep your head up, Tom. Gisele (probably) doesn’t have an STD.  And you’re only 34. And if Billy sticks around, and you guys don’t fuck up the draft (as you’ve been wont to do over the past few years—tight ends being the notable exception), you’ve got a long, winning road ahead of you.

That being said, keep your devilishly handsome eyes on the Giants, Tommy. I’m STILL convinced they’re not THAT good, but man, they sneak their way through the playoffs like a meth’d-out lab-rat in search of copper wiring, and once they get there, they’re fucking RELENTLESS. And they seem to have your number. Good luck.

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9 Responses to Leftridge: Giants Win Super Bowl, Brandon Remains Unconvinced

  1. chuck says:

    Get Karl Mecklenberg on the line.
    The Pats no look like Elway’s early Super Bowl teams. Elway carried them. Elway, the best QB that ever played. We all hate the guy and we should, but he was a stud.

    The Giants, in the AFC East, with an ongoing rivalry with the Pats, where you could establish a pattern with current players, win 4 out of 5 games with the Pats.

    Today Grasshopper, for you football studies, I would suggest a “Sabermetric” approach to football, as you are way off of base.


  2. Super Dave says:

    Held My Attention
    I am not a real football fan but the game held my attention and have to say it was what I thought one of the better games of late as goes a Super Bowl game.

  3. Smartman says:

    They Might Be Giants
    You had me until you went off the reservation. Dan Marino would give several vital body organs for one of Eli’s rings. If the Pats and Giants played 100 times the Pats would not win 75 or 80 times. That’s the chingon Glazer in you talking. When Eli and Peyton are bunking together at the nursing home and Peyton is kicking his ass in wheelchair races Eli will always be able to fall back on , yeah, but I got TWO RINGS. You know that chaps Peyton’s ass. When it comes to which brother has a better chance of another ring I’m betting the house on Eli. If I was Archie Manning I’d be selling bottles of my frozen jizz on Craig’s List.

  4. Orphan of the Road says:

    What’s the difference
    Between the Patriots and Linda Lovelace? Linda never chocked on a big one. The Interception caused all the tin-foil hat theorists screaming FIX!!!! LOL

    Ultimately the ham-and-eggers who make up the new NFL fan base know as much about football as Craig Glazer does about abstinence.

    Super Bowl rings are hard to come by and so they are given more importance to a career than their value. I remember the announcers saying after Marino and the Dolphins lost, he will have many, many opportunities for another one. But it wasn’t to happen.

    When the Patriots would move the ball, Robin would break into song. Eli’s Coming….

  5. Merle Tagladucci says:

    New England is so one dimensional, it was a joke they were even favored in this game. They strolled into the Super Bowl on a fat record thanks to playing in a weak division. Look at the last 7 regular season games the Patriots played. Real juggernaut opponents – KC, Philadelphia, Indianapolis, Washington, Denver, Miami and Buffalo. Then they get to the playoffs and get to play Denver, arguably the worst team to ever make the playoffs in the history of the NFL. Then the next week in the AFC Championship they get BAILED OUT by Lee Evans dropping the game winning TD and Billy Cundiff shanking the game-tying FG. BAILED OUT. They wobbled into the Super Bowl. How they ended up being favored over a clearly tougher, stronger, more balanced Giants team that had ALREADY BEATEN THEM is a Vegas mystery. Must have had something to do with how they try to control the money that comes in on both teams based on the line they set. Either way, New England favored by 3 points was ridiculous.

    Somewhere, Gisele is waiting for an elevator cussing at the air.

  6. Orphan of the Road says:

    God said to Archie, gimme a son
    Archie said man, you gotta be puttin’ me on
    God say no, Archie say what
    God says Archie next time you see me better run
    So Archie say where do ya want this killin’ done?
    God said down on Highway 61

    So Cooper was the lamb sent to slaughter so Peyton and Eli could reign supreme?

    Here’s a clue to all you invisible friend in the sky folks, God hears all prayers but usually his answer is NO.

    That safety made a lot of bettors happy and unhappy.

    Every opportunity during the game I would break into singing Eli’s Comin’…

  7. xxMillerTimexx says:

    Greatest line ever
    If I was Archie Manning I’d be selling bottles of my frozen jizz on Craig’s List.

  8. HARLEY says:

    smartman comes up again…
    frozen jizz…i laughed for an hour thinking about that…almost as big a joke as glazers
    sliding record in predicting games.

  9. PB says:

    “And that play? It had nothing to do with Eli. He heaved it, desperately, and the Tyree-like reception was all about Super Mario. ”

    The argument over whether Eli is better than Peyton is definitely premature, but this statement is almost equally idiotic. While Mario’s catch was amazing, he doesn’t make it without Eli’s exceptional throw. To say he just “heaved” a ball that went some 50 yards in the air with precision into a fairly tight window AFTER sliding out of the pocket and recognizing the breakdown in coverage in the first place is not giving him enough credit. Perhaps there is too much emphasis on Eli and his two SB rings and while obviously both were team victories, it’s not like Eli rode the Johnson/Dilfer/McMahon Express and coat tailed especially stout defenses to victory. Conversely he was a HUGE part of both SB wins and the playoff victories that preceded them so I’m not sure I see your point. Is he better than Marino, perhaps he is when using championships as a barometer which right or wrong, has ALWAYS been the case when measuring QB play.

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